Dear So & So: Being Enough

Dear So & So,

Our conversation yesterday left me with a lot to think about today. I don't know why I can't shake this feeling of being not good enough lately. All I try to do is to leave others in a better place than I found them. I try to love others to the best of my ability. I always try to make sure others know how thankful I am to have them in my life; never forgetting to tell them or show them just how much I love them.

Because tomorrow really is promised to no one.

I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but if I do, I will always wonder if I was enough.  Did I love enough? What did I leave behind? What is my legacy?  Did I do enough to make a difference in this world?

Ever since I could remember,  I have wanted to be a mom. Somehow, I feel inadequate without a child. Incomplete. Like there's a part of me missing. Deep down I know, I am not honoring who I'm supposed to be.

That is not to say that my sole purpose on this planet is to be a parent; it's not. However,  I cannot seem to quiet the desire in my heart that knows there is more to this life than I have been living.

I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes.  I have wished for do overs. As much as I try to live without them, I do have regrets.  There are things that I have wished I said, others that I have wished I had not spoken. And in most cases, I will not get a do over.

Yesterday,  I said I was mad at God, but today, after much thought,  I know that's not true.  What is true is I'm frustrated at life's circumstances. No one promised life was going to be easy,  but no one said it would be this hard either. I know I have made it through tougher times, but knowing that does not make this eaiser.

None of this is easy. I am not asking it to be easier. I just want to know that I will make it through this tough time, and I'm not on this journey alone.  I want what everyone wants... I want to know that I really do matter and,  in the end, that has to be enough.

Love,

My Heart's Desire

For as long as I can remember, Jake & I have wanted child.  Actually ideally we would have loved to have had more than one child. However if I've learned one thing in life, it's that life never works out the way you expect.

I would like to say that we have been open about our struggles with fertility, but we haven't.  In fact, for many years our struggles were kept only between us.  As the years went on, we shared our journey with only a selected few.

The truth is, along the way, not everyone has been supportive.  Sad to say, there are a lot of people who think that I don't have the right to be a mom simply bc I have Cerebral Palsy or am in a wheelchair.  And this includes some people who were in my life & even some doctors.

You just would not believe what some people say - right to my face - when they are confronted with the truth I try to live in daily.

Truth is, CP is not genetic.  And just bc someone is in a wheelchair, it does not mean they cannot be a good mother.  It most certainly does not mean I don't deserve a chance to be a mom, if that's what my heart desires.

Then there is Jake who deserves to be a dad just as much as I deserve to be a mom.  You should see him interact with the children he works with.  He's amazing.  I can honestly say that one of the privileges of volunteering where he works is getting to see this firsthand.  He has truly found his sweet spot & the place where his heart lives.

And this is the journey we have found ourselves on... we certainly expected that we would have some challenges to deal with along the way & some things to figure out. To be honest, along the way, many things, which includes our many emotions, have not been easy at all.

And years later, we are still here. Waiting & praying. Knowing that one day things will fall into just the way they are meant to be, whether we are parents or not.

Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope.  What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times.  Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting.  Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple.  When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of  blogging, something I have always loved.  Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do.  All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.



I do not know what's in the future for me.  All I know is what I have been through & where I have been.  And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.

Blog Hop: Letter to the Teenage Me

{This Blog Hop has you write a letter to your younger self. Here is mine.}

Dear Shannon,

It'll be years before you'll understand this, but trust me, it's all true. I know your having a difficult time. Right now, you are deep into your depression, your relationship with your mom is hostile, your dad is no where to be found, your brother, Damon, is sick & Lea is just trying to do the best that he can to figure things out for himself.

I know you've lost so many friends & love ones to death & people who are trying to comfort you tell you that in time you will feel better. They mean well, but they are lying. It doesn't get easier. At all. There will always be an ache in your heart, like part of your soul is gone. You will never stop yearning to feel their presence or to get just one last day to spend with them. You will however get through it, but even then it will always hurt.

Believe it or not, you won't always be depressed. There is a light in this blackness that you feel, & one day, it will just be there. The truth is it's always been there. The darkness just covers it up & makes it hard to see. I know there are times when you want to die. Stick it out. Believe me, it'll all be worth it. And one day, you will be glad your attempts were not successful & others, some who you haven't even met yet, will be glad you are still here too.

Oh, and that God you are so mad at - He is still there too. Even as you say horrible things to Him, push Him away & blame Him for all the bad things in your life - He is still there. He will always be there. In fact, you will come to know Him on such a personal level, it may be hard for others to understand. That's okay, it doesn't matter who understands. Your realationship is personal. It is real. And full of love.

I know there are people you cling to right now. They are your best friends & they have pulled you some tough times & will pull you through things that haven't even happened yet. Right now, they are your world. And that's okay, for now...

Please trust me when I say, that some people - even your best friends - aren't meant to stay in your life forever. You will forever be thankful to them & they will always have a place in your heart. Believe me - a place in your heart & a place in your life are two different things.

I know you think you will never find someone to love. Who would love someone who is disabled & emotionally broken like you? Right? Wrong. You are oh so wrong. The truth is that we are all broken. Every single one of us. Not one of us is perfect, untouched, without flaws.

You will meet your husband in a couple of years, & even though she won't believe you, you will tell Thea that you are going to marry him someday. You will go away from him for many years, but God will make sure that just when you are content with who you are & where you are. It is then your paths will cross again.

Your marriage, like the rest of life, won't be easy. Especially, in the early years. You will come close to leaving him several times, but you stick it out. That's what you do. Besides, you realize that you love him too much to ever leave him.

As for being a mom, after trying for years, it'll happen when you least expect it. Even though there are times when you doubt, you know without question that God is in control. He will give you the perfect addition to your family that comes along at the perfect time. You see, as hard as it may be to see (& it's even more difficult to admit) God loves you & wants the best for you. And that means doing things on His time, not yours.

Trust me, Shannon, where I sit now is so far from where you sit as you read this. So far, in fact, that it will seem like two totally different lives of two totally different people. You will have changed so much.

You are strong. And it will be tough. Life is is no way ever easy. Ever. You will go through things that others can't comprehend. It's okay. Just remember that "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy." And in the end, you are never alone & are loved. Always.

With Love & Gratitude,

Easier Said Than Done

As I sit her & type this post, Lisa, our two year old niece, is asleep in our bed.

I don't talk about my deep desire to be a mom much. If you knew me in real life, you would know that people say that I would be a great mom & that I love being around children. One friend even told me once that my soul lights up when I'm around them.

I don't know how 'great' I would really be, but I can tell you that I've wanted to be a mom since I was very young. And now that I've been married for going on 5 years, I'm here to tell you - I just don't know if God has that in the plan for me.

Sometimes, when you want something so bad for so long, you think you are never going to get it. I think that's what's going on here, but then again, maybe not. It is His plan, not mine. And if it's one thing I've learned, it's never to confuse my plan with His. My plans are flawed, His are not. I think I know what's best for me, He does know what's best for me.

With that being said, I'm frustrated. Most of my friends have children. Children that, if I'm lucky, they allow me to love. And I can't put a price on that. Ever. I will forever be Aunt Shannon, no matter if I have children of my own or not. It is a job & role that I love.

However, I can't deny wanting something more. Deeper. There is a void in my life. An emptiness that longs to be filled. And at the moment I am doubtful that it will ever be filled by becoming a mother.

And on top of it all, there is some things in my past that I've put behind me, or tried to at least, that I need to come to peace with as well. So, on the off chance that being a mom is not in the plans, I can at least live my life more peacefully.

In the end, everything will be how it is supposed to be. It may not be how I would like it to be, but it's still my life & I have to live it - regardless if I'm a mom or not. The problem is that right now living life without something I want so badly & deeply desire is easier said than done.

Ten Months

Dear Mandy,

Can it really be ten months since you have gone from us? Still there are days that I can't wrap my brain around everything. Sometimes, I still think that I will wake & it will be a dream. No, a nightmare. There is so much I wish I would have said to you. Things that you know already, but I still wish I would have said. It doesn't make any difference now. I know that your love is still here. With me.

It isn't fair - for someone who loved life so much - that you are not here. I know there are so many things we wanted to do together & never got to do. So many places that we wanted to go together. You loved New York so much & I would have loved to be a tag along on one of your trips. Or one of the many cruises you took. So many missed days with you.

Sometimes, I miss you so much I just want to drop to my knees & scream out. If I could get off the floor without calling the firemen to safely help me up. Like when I fell yesterday & got a nasty (very painful) bruise on my arm. Some people would have a problem with calling 911, but whatever... it is what it is. Kinda like your death. It is what it is, but it doesn't make the hurt go away.

Some days are better than others. Today is not. I know I will see you again, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It's a shame you missed the biggest historical blizzard of 2010. They are saying it is like the biggest storm in 100 years or something like that. My mom has said she has never seen snow like that since she has been alive. I want the Big Melt to happen fast so spring comes & you can send me butterflies again.

God, I miss you. It's not like I haven't lost people before. Best friends even. But you - you are different. Although to put in words just how & why you are different is impossible for me. Some days, I just don't know how I make it through. I hate that I'm crying so hard right now I can't breathe.

It sucks here without you. The world just isn't as bright without you.

Love, Your BFF & Beyond,

100

100 things about me for the 100th post (in total randomness):

1. I cannot believe this is my 100th post!

2. I can talk to anybody & often do, even if they are a total stranger.

3. I have a great memory.

4. Over a year ago, maybe even two by now -I was in Coldstone Creamery & said to a lady in line, "Hey, I know you. Your name is Carrie & we went to elementary school together." I was right & it had been over 25 years since I saw her.

5. I hate green beans & will only eat them on very rare occasion. This is bc my mom had them all the time when I was a a kid & used to make me eat them.

6. I love reading & often use it to escape.

7. I just finished a novel called The Lightning Thief. It is the first book in a series. It's a lot like Harry Potter, but it encompasses Greek mythology, instead of Magic. I know it's deemed as a kid's book, but I could not put it down. I read it in a day and a half. The movie of this book is coming out Presidents Day 2010.

8. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know when that is.

9. I am grateful that I like to (sometimes) read books that aren't really for adults. Sometimes, I just need a break from my very adult life.

10. My eyes are green.

11. I'm in love with people's eyes. They can tell you so much.

12. Sometimes I wish I had a sister.

13. I'm fat & I'm okay with that. Why aren't you?

14. I haven't had a hair cut since September of 2008, which is unheard of for me.

15. I need to update my profile picture, but haven't found a replacement picture for it (Note: Since this post is taking me forever to write I have found a new picture. What do ya think?).

16. I've been slowly withdrawing from my friends, & I'm not sure why.

17. I hate Barney.

18. I love Jesse, really I do. Lately, I've been wondering why he wasn't so damn LOUD in the store? What the hell was I thinking?

19. I am not a girly girl.

20. My favorite color is Purple. Although it has changed throughout the years. I also love Periwinkle, which was the color of my wedding. Periwinkle is also my mom's favorite color.

21. I have a scar in my back from when I was a kid & visiting my Mom Mum in VA & tried to climb a fence... Somebody really forgot to tell me I have CP. {:)

22. There are somethings I wish I could do over about my wedding.

23. Hell, there are things I wish I could do over. Period.

24. I hate hospitals.

25. I will however go to the hospital if it means seeing or spending time with someone I love. Even if it is to say goodbye.

26. I hate goodbyes.

26. I miss Mandy. More than anyone realizes.

27. I really was a "Poster Child." One day, I'll tell you about it. Maybe.

28. As a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. When I told my mom this (I think I was 3 or 4), she started to cry. I then asked, "Can I at least be an ice skater?"

29. The longest friendship I have is with Thea. We met when we were 2. Although I have to say there were years that we were apart in between there.

30. I met Jake in 1995. We were best friends. I liked him back then. He had no clue.

31. I asked him out on March of 2003. He tells me if I didn't ask him, he would have never asked me. Nice, Huh? {:)

32. I have loved Bonjovi since I was in the 5th grade. I will always love him.

33. I wasn't always the best picture taker. I got better over the years.

34. Even though I try to live my life with no regrets, I have many.

35. I wish I was disciplined enough to read the Bible from cover to cover.

36. Mathew 7:13-14 used to be my favorite passage. Now it's James 1:2-4, which is at the top of this blog.

37. My faith is more personal than my religion. And I think that's the way it should be.

38. I miss the churches I went to as a child, but they just don't fit with who I am now.

39. I am allergic to pork. I wasn't always. I miss bacon.

40. I was hospitalized once bc of it. Not fun.

41. Pork is in more things than you realize. Like gelatin (unless it's marked kosher). Gelatin is in every thing from dips to marshmallows. I miss s'mores.

42. I have a secret love affair with cheese.

43. One of my favorite cheeses is Brie. Brie taste different cold than it does warmed up, which is my favorite way to eat it.

44. While I do not hate it, American cheese is my least favorite. Now, Swiss on the other hand - I do not care for at all.

45. My father wanted to name me Nora Jean. I am so very thankful for my mother intervening.

46. I have had the names of my children picked out since I was little. They have not changed. People who know that often ask, "What about Jake, doesn't he get a say? To which I reply, "They get his last name." However, Jake tells me that he likes the names anyway. Maybe one day I'll get to share them with you. {:)

47. I have a beta fish that sits on my desk. His name is Aka, which is the word "red" in Japanese.

48. Pee Wee thinks he is a great mouse hunter. He's not... Most of the time.

49. The older I get, the less I want to deal with people. Really, life is not all about you.

50. If we were to get technical, life is all about Him. Then again, that is my option. It does not have to be yours.

51. I have friends & family with different beliefs than me. Some are even atheist. It's okay. I am still their friend & love them regardless. Always.

52. I have a friend that was murdered in 2003. I often wonder if they ever caught the person(s) who killed him.

53. I have a brother in Heaven. His name is Brent.

54. My brother Damon has paranoid Schizophrenia. I love him dearly & I visit him often. He can't help the way he is anymore then I can help having CP. A disability is a disability. One day, I will tell you about him.

55. We have 2 mixed Cds I made of some of my favorite Christian music. That's all we listen too anymore.

56. My favorite time is when we are going to church & we are jamming out to those CDs. I spend a lot of time talking to God then.

57. I'm a night owl.

58. I wonder if this will change if we have children. I think it will for a while, but I will always be a night owl.

59. I know that if I didn't have Pee Wee, I would go insane. I am so glad I have him - even if he is "just a dog." (Note: I don't say that bc to me his not, but to others that's what he is.)

60. I will listen to just about any kind of music, except for rap. I just will never be into it.

61. I know a lot of sign language. I learned it years ago, before I ever dated Jake. Who knew that my future brother-in-law & his wife would both be deaf? God's funny like that.

62. I often wonder why sign language isn't considered to be another language like Spanish & French.

63. I used to go to a camp called Camp Greentop for Disabled children & adults. The last summer I attended was 2003. It is an awesome camp & I would highly recommend it. Some of the greatest people that I know on earth, I met from there.

64. Sometimes I toy with the idea of going back to camp, but I think I am just in a different place in my life now. Plus, now with all the budget cuts, there is no way I could swing it money wise.

65. I do not like dead things, such as dead fish, dead hermit crabs, dead mice. I know it happens... I just don't like seeing it. It creeps me out.

66. I miss Jakes maternal grand father. He died in July of 2005 We called him Grandpop. He lived here with Jake & his dad (& me when I moved in). He never left this house. Seriously - for eight years, except to go to his daughter's funeral in April of 2000.

67. I never knew Jake's mom. I saw her once when I was at college & Jake never introduced us though. I always have wished I knew her. And I always wished she was here now. I would have really loved her & in some strange way - I do.

68. I could spend hours in Barnes & Noble.

69. I miss walking.

70. We just found out tonight that our GPS was stolen from our car. The charger is gone, the mount & the unit, but they left the bag we stored it in. We can't believe nothing else was stolen. Jake said he must have left the door unlocked & not knew it while he was at his job (apparently, the lock is acting up). I am glad that they didn't take the nice bag we stored it in bc Mandy gave that to us for Christmas 2008. Three months after Christmas, she died. I would have been heartbroken, if they had taken it.

71. Even though we go to church every Sunday, sometimes, I miss it during the week. I miss the connection with people & the hugs. They are the only hugs I get all week.

72. I am an extrovert. Very outgoing. Often loud. Most of the time I don't mean to be. And if I'm nervous, I get loud without realizing it.

73. When I'm upset, I get quiet. When I got a lot going on, I withdraw.

74. Jake used to be my safe place to fall. He's not anymore. I don't have one. I miss him being it.

75. People are so used to me telling them that it will be okay. Sometimes, I need to hear that too.

76. I love water. I drink about 4-5 liters of it a day sometimes more.

77. I love swimming & can do great things in it - like handstands. Go figure.

78. When I was a a 6 year old child at Camp Greentop, they put HUGE blocks of ice in the pool & called it a Polar Bear swim. I was not amused. And said, "What are you insane? Don't you know kids with CP freeze up (as in their muscles tense, it's hard to move & quite pain full - at least for me) when they are cold!" And for those who know me in real life - yes, in many ways, I was the same at 6 as I am now.

79. I love crafts.

80. One of my good friends, Regine & I met at oil painting class at the local senior center. We were 8.

81. I used to be terrified of dogs. I got bit by one when I was a kid.

82. I am grateful I do not have that fear anymore. And so is Pee Wee.

83. Even though I've done it 3 times, I am afraid to fly.

84. I love to work with kids.

85. Tonight, I gave Pee Wee a new treat. It is a dried, smoked cow's nose... ewwww! It is bigger than his head. He has been chewing on it for 2 hrs now. It is supposed to be great for cleaning his teeth. And when he first saw it, he just looked at it & sniffed it, gave a little lick & looked at it again, then looked at me as if to say, "Thanks, Mom! But how do I eat this thing?"



86. I've love Rosie O'Donnell & have met her. Twice. She even sent me tickets to her show once. I know some people do not like her. She has radical views & is outspoken. I don't care. To me, she is just a very real person who has a huge heart & is passionate. It makes me love her even more.

89. I love to sing & I used to be in Gifted & Talented choir in high school.

90. I used to be on Tech Crew too. I loved it. In fact, my Sr. year I was the Tech Director. I even used to climb the spiral stair case to the spot room. That made some people nervous & they didn't want me to do it. I didn't care. I did it anyway. A lot. In some strange way it made me feel normal - as in those with out CP - like the other kids & I loved it.

91. I am very stubborn.

92. I miss my Mom's mom. A lot. She died when I was 9.

93. When I was in third grade & at a new school, someone said that I stole some chalk. I did not. Ms. Chashen believed them. I got in trouble. I wonder who stole that chalk?

94. There is nothing that I tell people about Jake that I have not told him or would tell them in front of him. This is sometimes hard for people to understand. He's my husband. I am who I am. I will not hid how I feel or what I think from him. Good or bad.

95. My favorite season is Spring.

96. My Birthday is July 23rd. I share that birthday with my friend Thea, my niece Corrinne, my friend Travis, & several other people whom I have met, know & love.

97. Sometimes, even though I didn't have the greatest relationship historically, I miss living with my mom. For those of you who know the whole history, I know this statement is totally crazy. And to that I say, she is my mom & I love her deeply.

98. My favorite word is onomatopoeia.

99. Jake has never read this blog. He knows it exists. I've told him where to find it. I have even told him to read it. He never has. Sometimes, I wish he did. He says he'll read it when I post this post. And to tell you people out there in Blogland that he will. I don't think he will read it on his own, without prompting. We will see.

100. It has taken me 9 days to write this post & it's really hard to come up with 100 things to say at random - even if it is facts & thoughts about my life. This post will actually go live 11 days after I started it, which will be 8 days short of a year since I started this blog. It is one of the best things I could have ever done.

Waiting For Things To Fall

Am I missing something?

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I can't really say much more, partly bc I haven't figured it all out myself yet & partly bc I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what? Well, I can't really answer that either. If it's one thing I have learned is not every question has an answer that I have the privilege of knowing, & even if I do find the answer - I just may not like the answer.

When I married Jake (& really, if I'm to be honest - ever since I was little), I had big dreams of having a family. I still do. And it's no secret that we desperately want to be parents. We do not hide this fact, but there are times when we just don't go screaming it from the nearest rooftops either.

Marriage & life has not been easy for us at all. Truthfully, we have struggled more than most. I am not asking for things to be easy. I don't want that. I would never want that, unless that is in the plans for us.

It just seems that lately everything is coming at us all at once. We can't get a break to gather ourselves before we are thrown into another round of hardship. Trust me, if God wants my attention, He's got it.

I try really hard to all the time be thankful for the blessings we do have, especially in difficult times. It is thanks to my FIL & my mom that we have most of our blessings. Well, really my blessings are from God in the form of FIL & my mom. Without them, I don't know what we would do.

Here's the thing though - I am tired. I'm exhausted. I can't keep putting out fires or waiting for the other shoe to drop, always trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make sure we make it through. I am tired of just getting by.

I want things for us. Our own family. Our own place. Our own peace of mind at the end of the night. I know this may be a lot to ask, but still I have to ask. I would be crazy not too.

So, here I am. As always, I'm waiting. Waiting for things to fall...waiting for things to fall into place. Still... still giving thanks for it all.

Enough Questions

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

I wonder that all the time. Am I doing enough as a wife? Am I doing enough as a daughter? Or a sister? Or friend? Often times I wonder if I'm doing enough as a Christian. I must confess that what ever the version of the question is the core remains the same. Am I really doing enough?

Having lost so much in life has given me a unique outlook. I am in no way naive or in anyway sheltered. I am a person who feels deeply & thinks (& rethinks) often. Although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, I often find myself wondering if I were gone tomorrow would this be enough? Would my life matter? What would my legacy be?

Jacob & I have been married for 4 years & 8 months exactly today... Sometimes, I am tortured by the fact that we don't have children yet. It bothers me. And I know that it bothers Jacob. I know that things will happen in time, to be more specific God's time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less or the aching subside.

As much as I love the people in my life who have their own children & am so very grateful that they allow me to love their children as if they are my own, there is always a reminder that I am still childless. At the end of the day, they get the the kisses, the snuggles, the tucking in for the night's sleep (hopefully), ect...

Most of the time I don't let it bother me. I tend to look on the positive side rather than the negative. It's not what I don't have as much as it is what I do have. However, every once in a while, I'm blindsided & the tears flow freely like the dam burst & I'm exposed.

Like on this past Christmas morning when FIL allowed my nephews & niece open gifts before I was even told they were here. I couldn't control myself & I lost it. I remained unusually quiet, as huge tears fell with each blink, my face turned some shade of red (I'm sure) & my nose became instantly stuffy. As FIL said he was sorry & just simply said:

"It's just that we don't have any children to watch on Christmas morning..."

So forgive me if it bothers you that I'm riddled with huge questions. The questions are always there - just bc I choose not to focus on them all the time doesn't mean they don't exists. And at the days end I just hope that who I am & what I've done is enough... for now.

With Older Eyes

As this day draws to a close, I find myself lost in thought. I spent the day with my mother helping her with preparing food for her annual holiday girl's gathering tomorrow. We worked for over 9 hours, & still didn't get it all done. Craziness, I tell ya.

Me & Mom, Christmas 2009

I love my mother. I really do. Despite having a rocky relationship historically. People change, relationships change & for that I am so thankful. Can you imagine if I never had the chance to have a semi-normal relationship with someone whose primary job is to care for me & love me?

What I see now, & understand now as an adult, is no matter how bad things got - & trust me, at times, they got too bad for words - she still loved me. And I truly think that even though I knew that in my heart to be the truth, I didn't believe it then. How could I? At the time I was living in my close personal hell, unsure if I would make it out alive.

I never wanted for anything... Well, nothing physically, at least. She always provided for me, we had a great house filled with everything we ever wanted. I never had to worry about going hungry or the food we were going to eat. She made sure we had everything we needed, even if she had to work 3 jobs to get it. She was a single parent doing the best she knew how, & I was disabled to boot. Can you imagine?

What wasn't there was the emotional part. I longed for her to be my soft place to fall. To have a loving supportive relationship that I had seen my friends have with their mothers. I wanted to be safe & feel loved. I wanted her to be my best friend.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that she couldn't give me what she didn't have. She is only human & has many flaws. She was just a woman doing the best she could, even if she made mistakes or did things she shouldn't do. I am positive there were many times when she felt unloved, under appreciated, depressed & angry. She had doubts, questions & concerns. Again, she was human.

Perhaps I can see things more clearly, from a different point of view, bc I so deeply desire to be a mother myself. And she so deeply desires to be a grandparent. I don't know if that is what God has planned for us.

What I do know is that God planned for her to be my mom & for me to be her child. Taking the bad with the good, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, she was the best mom she knew how to be when she knew how to be it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just A Little Venting

I will be the first to tell you - I am not perfect. Not by a long shot, just not at all.

I don't know it all or even pretend to know it all. I want certain things I can't have, some not right now, some not at all:

I want to have a family;
I want to have my friends here with me, instead of not.
I want to stop being tortured by Mandy's death &
I want answers damn it (don't I deserve that?);
I want to cure cancer;
I want to be able to freely admit - I am pissed & that isn't going away, not soon!
I want people to understand that feelings are not wrong, no matter what they are -
I want to believe what I know to be true.
I want to not worry about certain things;
I want to stop doubting;
I want to know that things are going to be okay;
I want a safe place to fall!

Wow, it's a short list, but that's a lot & at least it's truthful. And I know that I could go on longer, but don't have the time or the engery. Hey, if I can't vent, WTH is a blog good for anyway?

Happy 1st Birthday, Beautiful Blue Eyed Boy!

It's New Year's Eve, but more importantly to me, someone very special turns one today.

His name is Christian Soren. And the first time I laid eyes on him when he was only a day old, I fell in love. Can you tell?

His mom Stacey & I have been friends since high school. She was one of my best friends. In fact, she still is. There are times when I truly would be lost without her. I don't have any sisters, but I as far as I am concerned, she is part of my family.

Remember when I wrote this? Well, Stacey is one of those people who helped me fight against the darkness. I would not be who I am today, if she were not the friend she was back then.

Yes, there were others who helped too, but not like her. She was & is very different. One of her best assets is her ability to make others laugh, especially me. And back then, there wasn't much to smile about - much less laugh, but she always found a way. Not to mention, she has this uncanny no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is attitude, & I love that about her.

It brings me nothing but joy to share in her happiness to be a mother.

Some people who don't have children, but want them badly (like me), don't care to be happy for others who have what they desire. I am not that way. I just can't be. How can I not be happy for her? She would be happy for me, if the situation were reverse. As for her being a mother, just like she is a friend, she is a fantastic mother.

In fact, she waited, wanted, desired & prayed to be a mother for more than seven years, probably longer. And then, when she & her husband, Kevin, least expected it, along came Christian. In fact, Christian is due to have a sibling in March of 2010! How exciting! If you would like to know more about Stacey & her wonderful family, you can do so on her blog.

Now, back to the Birthday Boy... He the bluest eyes I think that I have ever seen. And trust me, I've seen some eyes!

His gaze is as intense as his eyes. It's as if he can see right through you to your soul. His smile can warm the coldest of nights & make the darkest of days bright. His laugh is infectious.

Never in my life have I seen cheeks like these or a dimple like this:
They just beg to be kissed, don't you agree?

So, Happy Birthday, Little Blue Eyed Dimpled Darling. May you continue to grow, be healthy & happy while bringing joy & laughter into every one's life that you touch. You are very loved & will grow up passing that love on in ways yet unknown. I just know you are destined to do great things!

Waiting For Something Better

It has been forever since I have written. In reality, only 6 days, but if feels like forever.

Christmas is in 3 days & I'm not ready. The tree is up with lights, but it is not decorated. Saturday came & went & dumped 2 feet of snow upon us. It is a mess in Maryland.

Everything is in slow motion & I hate it. I am not being humbugish, but it is true that I just want this holiday to go away. I want nothing more then to wake up on the 26th & things to be done & over with.

I just don't have my heart into it this year. I miss Mandy, Momma Nancy, Lynne & Pete. Oh how I wish I had a child to throw my energy into right at the moment, but I don't. Not that a child would make it all better.

I'm a firm believer in children should not be born with a job, such as those who have children in an attempt to save a relationship*. However, I know me & the truth is that I know that if I were a mom at this very moment, I would focus on making Christmas enjoyable for my child.

*Let me make it clear that even though Jake & I are having our struggles at the moment, our marriage itself is not in jeopardy.

Truthfully, I want nothing more then to make this holiday about me connecting with my husband & us both connecting with the God who wants nothing but the best for us.

It seems that over time this holiday has lost its focus. Family dwindles away. It becomes about what you get instead of focusing on what you already have & the intrinsic things you can give or the gifts that cost nothing.

And another thing - while I love & am very grateful for the children that our a part of our lives - I get tired of being Aunt Shannon to OPC* sometimes & wonder when it's our turn to be parents.

* Other People's Children

The most frustrating thing at the moment is trusting. Truthfully, I will readily tell you that I have trust issues. I always have. And I must admit that even as strong as my faith is sometimes those trust issues carry over to trusting God.

Over time, He has showed me that His plan that happens on His time is far more superior than my plan. In fact, it is not only superior, but the result that often occurs when I submit to His plan is far more greater than I have ever could have imagined.

So, for now I wait. Trying to trust bc I know there is something better for me. There has to be.

Honest Scrap Award

Today, I became aware that I received this award On July 21, from Marcelle at Making Babies. How cool is that? My first award! Keeping with the requirements to receiving the award. Here are 10 things most people do not about me:

1. I want to be a mom, more than most can imagine.

2. I hate it when I can't get stuff from the kitchen frig or anywhere else for that matter. I think BOTH Jake & his dad should have to spend a solid week in a wheelchair. Then, maybe things would change around here and actually STAY changed (not just for a week or two).

3. I have no tattoos. But I've seriously considered getting one since Mandy has passed.

4. I think about people, friends and family, that I loss touch with or who are not as present in my life (or me in theirs), for whatever reason, everyday. Sometimes, several times a day.

5. I love my church. We travel about an hour (one way) to it every Sunday. I love the people, and I love the community. They are very open, excepting, contemporary, and accessible - in more ways than the physical sense of the word. We have looked at several churches to try to find one closer, without luck. Not bc we want to leave our church, but it would be nice to have one closer so I can get to it when Jake cannot take me. Like when he had that other position at work for a year and was required to work on Sundays.

6. I have many issues with certain things (like trust), but I will tell you what they are and fully admit and acknowledged them.

7. I am a very private person, especially lately. People confuse me being outgoing with being open. Their are many things my best friends don't even know. Even some that no one knows.

8. I will talk about or share my past with just about anyone, if there is a reason to do so. Even if it makes me uncomfortable. I truly believe you have to share your story in order to respect it.

9. I often get annoyed at people. And please note, this is NOT to anyone specific, but EVERYONE. So, if you just happen to be reading this and think is about you, you are WRONG. It is not. Everyone, means everyone. My biggest annoyance is if you want me to know something, tell me. I gave up my mind reading skills a long time ago. Many people rely on many things to communicate things. Be direct. Do not rely on text, or e-mail or other people to tell me things, especially if I don't respond back. Call me (I secretly hate e-mail). BE DIRECT. In addition, there are many who get mad when I don't respond to whatever or however they want. I'm sorry. I cannot be who you want me to be. I can only be me.

10. I wish people would stop asking me, hinting at, referring to me having a baby, putting pressure on me, ect.. about having a child or trying to have a child. God has the ultimate plan, and if it is meant to happen it will - in HIS time, not mine or anyone else's for that matter. Frustrating, I know. But very true.

I am passing this award to 2 people: Stacey at Musings of A Passionate Mind. Who hasn't blogged in forever, but is always honest when she does. And El at Profoundly Seth. Who shares not only the good parts in life, but the not-so-good parts also, with a difficult honesty that I secretly admire.