Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Update: Daisy

Daisy is well. She made it through the surgery with flying colors. The vet said she is just doing absolutely beautiful. We have to return in a couple of days to get her bandage off then she remains on restriction for two weeks  more until the staples come out.

I was ecstatic to hear that she did so well; now, I'm just praying that she heals nicely & that the infection that remains leaves quickly, now that the source of the infection is gone.  The most difficult part of this all, is watching her be kenneled all the time & not able to have her understand that it for her well being.  She just doesn't understand this all & I think that she thinks she is being punished.

We are managing her pain & she does not seem to be in a lot, but we've been really good about being constant with it, so that she is a comfortable as possible.  She has more anxiety than anything, but she seems to remain calm the most when Pop is around her.

I'm so glad that after she is healed, she won't be in pain anymore & can be happy & healthy again.  I wonder if she knows how much we love her & what a big part of our family she is & always has been. 

Daisy In Prayer

Daisy, my FIL's 13 year old dachshund, is in surgery just about now. A risky surgery, but a very much a needed one. I'll spare you the details, only that it has to do with removal of numerous tumors & a badly infected uterus with a very long & over do spay.

Everything about this sucks. The risk suck. I'm scared. She is such a sweet dog, who is very loved. We all love her.

Daisy was Jake's mom's dog. Well loved & well taken care of by her. Ms. Barbara died in April 2000 & completely changed this whole family, even Daisy - who very much was grieving too. She stopped eating & became super protective of her family very much. So much in fact that in the summer of 2003 when I started dating Jake, Daisy still only ate dog snacks - no food, just snacks

There is no doubt that Pop loves her. I also think Pop likes to avoid certain things & is in denial about other things. Other things like Daisy's health. He loves her, no doubt, but I think if he doesn't take her to the vet, the vet can't tell him bad news. News that he just doesn't want to hear.

So here we are - hoping & praying for the best in a difficult surgery that is complicated by Daisy's age. God, I love her so. She is such a great part of this family & Pee Wee loves her.

I must admit, that part of me has had to distance myself, not from daisy but from the situation, out of pure frustration at times. She is not our dog, but his. And he has made that clear. I wish I had the money to completely care for her, but I don't & that brakes my heart.

I love our vets (it's a family practice), & have much confidence in their abilities. I have faith & have said lots of prayers. And as for the rest, well, the rest, is not up to me.

Here I Am

So, it seems like forever ago since I have blogged & I guess, in some strange way, it has been. Almost a month now.

My computer is not feeling so well at the moment & I'm not quite sure what's going on with it or how to fix it, so I have to log on to my FIL's computer & I don't like to spend a lot of time on there if I can help it.

I always find time fascinating. How it continues on despite everything. It's the one constant that is an entity of its own.

Dad has been gone for over eight months now. And in 2 days, Mandy will be gone for two years. That's crazy. I'm baffled really.

I have found, at least as it relates to me, time does not heal wounds, as the cliche implies, but rather changes things. Or perhaps it is me who changes. If I had to guess, I would say it is a little of both.

I'm just been thinking a lot about everything & everyone. I've been reflecting on a lot of stuff lately, that of which all falls under the great & all encompassing umbrella of life. And death, I suppose.

I do not have all the answers, but then again, I never claimed to. All that I am certain of is that I am changing & growing, as I struggle to find my place among the living again.

Not that I died, but when you are dealing with grieving, no matter what or who you are grieving for, it feels as if a part of you has died. And parts of me did die, in a sense.

So, here I am. As time goes on, so do I. Despite it all.

Missing In Action: When it Rains

So, I have been MIA, but I have good reasons.

Family.

For starters, a few weeks ago, Jake's dad wasn't feeling well & long story short - he ended up in the hospital & underwent some test. The test came back showing he had some blockages in his heart.

The doctors are trying to treat it medically with medicine at the moment & my FIL is trying to make some lifestyle changes so that his heart can get better & he can be healthy, which will allow him to stay around longer.

My FIL has no history of heart trouble before this, so you can imagine how crazy it was for me (& Jake, for that matter) to be going through this yet again, merely weeks after losing dad. Still, through it all, I tried to stay focused & not worry until there was reason to do so.

And so, I went into crisis mode & stayed there for awhile until it was safe for me let my guard down. I am so at home in crisis mode, or shall I say - it is a place that feels all too familiar. For now, & hopefully a long time, FIL is doing well, & taking better care of himself.

Then there is Damon. Damon is my brother, 8 years my senior, 2 years Lea's Junior. I know I have never really went in depth about Damon on here before now. I guess this was simply bc I didn't want to just say some stuff about him without giving him & who he was the time & attention he deserved.

Damon is my older brother who has had paranoid schizophrenia since he was a teenager. He lives in one of the few state intuitions that our left in the country & has for going on 18 years or better.

Well, Saturday morning I got a call from my grand mom asking me if I heard from anybody about Damon. When I said no, she then told me that she got a call from a trauma nurse stating that Damon is about to undergo surgery for a badly broken leg.

We are still unsure of what happen & we are trying to piece together the truth from the many different stories we are hearing from multiple sources. All I know for sure is that my brother now has 8 pins in his leg & has an external fixation attached to his leg & is do for at least one more surgery.

This week has been long & tiring... all these weeks have. I feel like lately that is all I'm doing is going from crisis to crisis. People have said to me, when it rains, it pours, which, in all honesty, I'm sick of hearing.

This is just life, & sometimes it happens like this. I just gotta keep going - moving on, moving forward bc if I stop, I may get stuck. And I want to be anything but stuck.

Wordless Wednesday: For The Love of Grandsons

Kevin, Pop, & Jason, 6.28.2010

Blogging Boldly: About Last Night

Dear Jacob,

I hate it when we fight. It is like something is not right in the universe. I hate the distance it puts between us. Especially when things have been going so great with us like it has recently. We don't fight often, but when we do it can get nasty. The good thing though is we don't stay mad for long.

Last night, we both said things we didn't mean. And acted in ways that was unbecoming of both of us. In reality, we both should treat each other a little nicer. I just get so irritated that I can asks for something to be done & it won't be done for months, yet your dad can ask you to do the same task for him & you make it a priority to do it for him, without a second thought.

I know you father says he has to wait for you to do things for him too, but it's not the same. Only days compared to my months. I guess I'm just wondering when your going to make me & our family a priority.

I know your frustrated & exhausted. I am too. You say I don't listen, yet I listen to every word. On the other hand, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know your thoughts unless you tell me them. And you shouldn't expect me to know things you haven't told me.

I am not prefect, by any means. And God knows I am not the prefect wife. If you asked me, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what a perfect one would look like. I just know it is not me. Likewise, I'm in no way asking you to be perfect either. Just better. I know I can do better too. We both can do better.

So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Love you. Always.

Happy 6th Birthday, Jason!

February 20, 2010

Dear Jason,

Today is your birthday. I remember when you were born. I was so happy for your mom, dad & Kevin. I never got to see you at the hospital. Something about your Grandpop saying "If you see one baby, you've seen them all." No matter how much I pleaded, neither he or Uncle Jake seem interested in taking me to see you.

I think if they had it to do again, things would be done very differently. I was so upset, especially since when you finally did come home, I couldn't see you then either bc your home has lots of steps that I could never get up, even if i tried. And, even though you live right across the ally, February is really cold. I like to say the first time I saw you I fell in love with you, but that is not the truth. The truth is I loved you before you were even born.

You are the funny, silly & your laugh is infectious. You are a silent thinker. You sit back & take the world in. You are so smart. You are sensitive. You are my little helper not bc you have to be, but bc you want to be. You are always thinking of others.

You are great little brother & a great big brother too. You always want to do everything Kevin does, even though he is 3 years older than you. You love playing with Lisa & love to teach her new things. I remember a couple months ago when I taught you how to tie your shoes & you finally got it. You beamed from ear-to-ear. And although you didn't say it to Kevin, I knew that part of the reason you were so happy is bc you could finally do something that Kevin couldn't at the time.

I just want you to know that Uncle Jake & I love you very much. And you can never do anything to make to make that change. I am so grateful to be a part of this family that let's me love you, Kevin & Lisa. And I can't wait to see you grow up & be the man you will become. Wait...on second thought - don't grow up so fast. I have all the time in the world.

Love You Always,
Aunt

Happy 2nd Birthday, Little Lisa

My Dearest Lisa,

Today, is your second birthday. I can't believe how big you have gotten. It seems like just yesterday that you were in the NICU. I have to wonder where the time has gone. Uncle Jake & I don't have any cousins for you to play with yet so it brings me lots of joy to watch you & your brothers grow up, & we get to see you almost every day since you only live right across the ally.

Before I go any further I should thank you. It is bc of you that your mom & I have the relationship we do. I spent many hours with her at the hospital doing my best to relay messages to her from the staff when they didn't have an interrupters for her. And when they did have one, I got to have actual conversations with her like I never had before. I must admit, it still baffles the heck out of me that your daddy grew up in this family & no one (besides me) knows any signs around here.

You are the first girl to be born in this family for 40 years. Everyone is smitten with you. You have them wrapped around your little finger & you know it. And just in case you haven't realized by now, you have a ton of people who love you, but I think you hold a special place in you Grandpop's heart. Shhhh... Don't tell your brothers. {:)

You are a happy child & are always smiling. You hardly ever cry. You provide us with many laughs, something we don't have enough of around here since your Grandmom died almost 10 years ago. You are very smart; in fact, I think you are smarter than all of us put together at times. You already know many signs, you can count almost to 10 & know several of your letters.

I cannot wait until you grow up to see the young lady you will become, but pretty please with sugar on top don't grow up too fast. We enjoy every minute with you & want as many as we can. You can be anything you want to be. And I know, even this early, that whatever you will do, you will be great at it. You & your brothers can do anything you set out to do & I believe that God has a special plan for each of you.

Well, My Little Niece, I want to thank you for everything you do & who you are. Know that Uncle Jake & I love you very much. And we a very grateful that you & your brothers have come into our lives, but are more grateful that God has chosen us to be a part of yours.

We Love You Always,
Aunt& Uncle Jake

Waiting For Things To Fall

Am I missing something?

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I can't really say much more, partly bc I haven't figured it all out myself yet & partly bc I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what? Well, I can't really answer that either. If it's one thing I have learned is not every question has an answer that I have the privilege of knowing, & even if I do find the answer - I just may not like the answer.

When I married Jake (& really, if I'm to be honest - ever since I was little), I had big dreams of having a family. I still do. And it's no secret that we desperately want to be parents. We do not hide this fact, but there are times when we just don't go screaming it from the nearest rooftops either.

Marriage & life has not been easy for us at all. Truthfully, we have struggled more than most. I am not asking for things to be easy. I don't want that. I would never want that, unless that is in the plans for us.

It just seems that lately everything is coming at us all at once. We can't get a break to gather ourselves before we are thrown into another round of hardship. Trust me, if God wants my attention, He's got it.

I try really hard to all the time be thankful for the blessings we do have, especially in difficult times. It is thanks to my FIL & my mom that we have most of our blessings. Well, really my blessings are from God in the form of FIL & my mom. Without them, I don't know what we would do.

Here's the thing though - I am tired. I'm exhausted. I can't keep putting out fires or waiting for the other shoe to drop, always trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make sure we make it through. I am tired of just getting by.

I want things for us. Our own family. Our own place. Our own peace of mind at the end of the night. I know this may be a lot to ask, but still I have to ask. I would be crazy not too.

So, here I am. As always, I'm waiting. Waiting for things to fall...waiting for things to fall into place. Still... still giving thanks for it all.

Thankful

On this day, I am thankful for:

A God the truly loves me unconditionally -
showing me grace & mercy daily;
A husband who loves me - even when I'm difficult to love;
A mom & dad who love me even though they don't love each other;
Two brothers who love me, each in their own way;
And friends that love & care about me -
some who have been there through it all.

A roof over our heads, & a house that is functional -
thanks to my father-in-law;
A warm bed to sleep in at night;
Clothes to wear - thanks to my mother;
And food to eat.

The cherished time spent with loved ones
Expecially those who are no longer here;
The fact that I was a part of their life -
More importantly that they were a part of mine;
And knowing that my life & who I am is forever altered
bc of them - no matter how long they were here.

The Void

I thought about doing a wordless Wednesday today then decided not to. There will other Wordless days I'm sure. There are are just days when words just need not to be - well, wordless.

We don't have kids yet. Only pets. Lots of them. A dog, a parrot, several hermit crabs, multiple freshwater fish & even a beta fish. And those are just ours. Jake's dad, whom we live with, has is own dog, a a parakeet that gets neglected & even a goldfish that belong to my nephews who live across the ally.

Something has been bothering me. A lot. I have been reading a bunch of other people's blogs following some, passing by others. The thing that is irking me is that I am really lost sometimes at what to post a picture of and what not to. I don't know how I feel about publishing pictures of other people's children (OPC) like my nieces or nephews for example.

And yes, I know that I posted pictures of Lisa, but I did that bc of the circumstances. In my eyes, prayer is always an exception. It's almost as if I don't have the right. I am not there parent. I'm their aunt. They are not mine. I am always, it seems like that anyway, reminding myself that. And I have plenty of pictures of them. Trust me. I live with my camera.

So, I must confess I don't want to post all kinds of picture of my pets. I would love to post pictures of children. My children. And so it irks me yes. It irks me that I only have pets. No children yet. Don't get me wrong. I love Pee Wee, I love Jesse & all my other pets.

They are like my childen, expecially Pee Wee. With that being said, I've learned that pets can't take the place of the need to nurture. They fill a void, yes, but the desire & longing for a child nothing can replace that. Nothing. Trust me, I've tried.

Honest Scrap Award

Today, I became aware that I received this award On July 21, from Marcelle at Making Babies. How cool is that? My first award! Keeping with the requirements to receiving the award. Here are 10 things most people do not about me:

1. I want to be a mom, more than most can imagine.

2. I hate it when I can't get stuff from the kitchen frig or anywhere else for that matter. I think BOTH Jake & his dad should have to spend a solid week in a wheelchair. Then, maybe things would change around here and actually STAY changed (not just for a week or two).

3. I have no tattoos. But I've seriously considered getting one since Mandy has passed.

4. I think about people, friends and family, that I loss touch with or who are not as present in my life (or me in theirs), for whatever reason, everyday. Sometimes, several times a day.

5. I love my church. We travel about an hour (one way) to it every Sunday. I love the people, and I love the community. They are very open, excepting, contemporary, and accessible - in more ways than the physical sense of the word. We have looked at several churches to try to find one closer, without luck. Not bc we want to leave our church, but it would be nice to have one closer so I can get to it when Jake cannot take me. Like when he had that other position at work for a year and was required to work on Sundays.

6. I have many issues with certain things (like trust), but I will tell you what they are and fully admit and acknowledged them.

7. I am a very private person, especially lately. People confuse me being outgoing with being open. Their are many things my best friends don't even know. Even some that no one knows.

8. I will talk about or share my past with just about anyone, if there is a reason to do so. Even if it makes me uncomfortable. I truly believe you have to share your story in order to respect it.

9. I often get annoyed at people. And please note, this is NOT to anyone specific, but EVERYONE. So, if you just happen to be reading this and think is about you, you are WRONG. It is not. Everyone, means everyone. My biggest annoyance is if you want me to know something, tell me. I gave up my mind reading skills a long time ago. Many people rely on many things to communicate things. Be direct. Do not rely on text, or e-mail or other people to tell me things, especially if I don't respond back. Call me (I secretly hate e-mail). BE DIRECT. In addition, there are many who get mad when I don't respond to whatever or however they want. I'm sorry. I cannot be who you want me to be. I can only be me.

10. I wish people would stop asking me, hinting at, referring to me having a baby, putting pressure on me, ect.. about having a child or trying to have a child. God has the ultimate plan, and if it is meant to happen it will - in HIS time, not mine or anyone else's for that matter. Frustrating, I know. But very true.

I am passing this award to 2 people: Stacey at Musings of A Passionate Mind. Who hasn't blogged in forever, but is always honest when she does. And El at Profoundly Seth. Who shares not only the good parts in life, but the not-so-good parts also, with a difficult honesty that I secretly admire.

My (Not-So-Great) Birthday

Yesterday, was my 33rd Birthday. Even though I've tried to remain up beat and positive, determined to have a great birthday, I have failed at this. It was exactly three months since Mandy left us. As much as I tried to not miss her, the more my heart ached. Birthdays were HUGE to Mandy. I miss her more every day. At times, every minute.

As great as Jake can be, he really can be a be a jerk. No "Happy Birthday!" No card. No excuse good enough. We were even at Hallmark the night before. The "Well, why didn't you tell me to get you a card?" - your comment makes me want to vomit! Really? Seriously? How appalling! You are a jerk!

The same goes for my Father-In-Law, whom we live with. They KNEW it was my birthday, they did not forget.

All that I do for this family, this is inexcusable. I don't care if we have no money. You can get me a card. You can utter two words. You certainly found the words for the excuses. I give of myself so much. I make sure your birthday is recognized. I get you gifts. Some of which you don't deserve, but I do it anyway. It is not about the gifts though, it is not about the money, it is about the appreciation. The appreciation that I never get.