My Heart's Desire

For as long as I can remember, Jake & I have wanted child.  Actually ideally we would have loved to have had more than one child. However if I've learned one thing in life, it's that life never works out the way you expect.

I would like to say that we have been open about our struggles with fertility, but we haven't.  In fact, for many years our struggles were kept only between us.  As the years went on, we shared our journey with only a selected few.

The truth is, along the way, not everyone has been supportive.  Sad to say, there are a lot of people who think that I don't have the right to be a mom simply bc I have Cerebral Palsy or am in a wheelchair.  And this includes some people who were in my life & even some doctors.

You just would not believe what some people say - right to my face - when they are confronted with the truth I try to live in daily.

Truth is, CP is not genetic.  And just bc someone is in a wheelchair, it does not mean they cannot be a good mother.  It most certainly does not mean I don't deserve a chance to be a mom, if that's what my heart desires.

Then there is Jake who deserves to be a dad just as much as I deserve to be a mom.  You should see him interact with the children he works with.  He's amazing.  I can honestly say that one of the privileges of volunteering where he works is getting to see this firsthand.  He has truly found his sweet spot & the place where his heart lives.

And this is the journey we have found ourselves on... we certainly expected that we would have some challenges to deal with along the way & some things to figure out. To be honest, along the way, many things, which includes our many emotions, have not been easy at all.

And years later, we are still here. Waiting & praying. Knowing that one day things will fall into just the way they are meant to be, whether we are parents or not.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Stream of Consciousness: In the Midst

I want to run. Hide. Get away from it all.

Right now, there is so much great stuff going on, but so much not great stuff going on too. There is a huge pressure on me right now. I can't breathe or stand it another second.

I can feel myself pulling away & somehow, even though I don't want to & know I shouldn't, it feels like that is my only solution. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to trust you. Or anyone for that matter.

I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being hurt. Tired of things not working out. Tired of having to take & put up with other people's crap. And it's all crap. I must have a sign on me that says "Dump on me!" Don't you see it? It's there, it's got to be.

I want you to care. Why is it, that I feel so alone? I try to tell you how I feel & you yell at me. You are supposed to be my safe place to fall. I don't even think I know what it feels like to have one, really.

I should be used to this, right? You think after everything I would be. Wrong. You are oh-so-wrong. My dad is sick. My mom is sick. My Aunt is sick. I am sick.

All I want is to get away for two days. Get my head clear. Gain a little perspective. It should be easy, right? Wrong again. So very difficult to do if you have this wheelchair connected to you 24/7. No one gets it. Not even you.

So, I'll run. Till I find what I'm looking for & even I don't know what that is or where to look . I just know it's not here. In the midst of it all.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.