Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Somewhere between here & there, I lost my words... and time just... well, went on. So many times, I wish I could say certain things & write about them on here or just write abt them at all.
Still months passed, and nothing came, even though things begged to be written.
Then, much like a scolded child peeking around the corner wondering if it is safe to come out again, words began slowly seeping out - hoping not to be noticed.
Here's the thing though: words written by a writer, more specifically - words written by me - need to be read. Isn't that the point?
To be authentic.
To be true.
To be real.
To at least one trusted person, who loves me. No matter what.
For years, writing has been therapeutic. Such a good outlet for me, especially to let things out that aren't so... pretty. Things that aren't so... perfect. I write abt tough stuff. Stuff that most people would rather forget.
Here's the thing abt forgetting though - there is no healing in forgetting. Or pretending to forget. Or just pretending... period. So for now, I write some things in private. And some things in public too.
I'll find the words. I'll reclaim my voice. And I'll be back.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
"Faith is taking the first step
even when you don't see the whole staircase."
I'm 37 today. Thirty seven.
How did I get here? How have Jake & I just had the privilege of celebrating our 8th year of marriage already? It's a privilege that we fought for - a privilege that we have very much earned the right to celebrate. After all, a lot of marriages don't even make it this far, sad to say.
Truthfully, I must say with each passing year, the twinge in my heart gets a little deeper.
And there is a sadness, hidden behind the celebration of blessings. Amid the thankfulness of another year, there is something missing. No, not something, but someone.
For another year of trying to have a child has passed.
Yet we pray, we hope, we believe - that we will be parents some day.
Sometimes, I think the hardest part of faith is believing what we cannot see. No, not God - for I see Him daily in numerous ways, but rather His Plan for my life.
It is hard for me to see His Plan, bc I am limited by my very human eyes. And try as I might, I just can't see the whole picture - the Greater Plan.
And no, I may not know why certain things happen or don't happen. I may never know this side of Heaven; however, at times, I do see glimpses His Plan.
So with each year that passes, I cling to my faith. And I forge on, one step at a time, even if I don't see the whole staircase.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.
2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4. a state of happiness or felicity.
verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.
It happened shortly after the new year began. I was given a unexpected gift. Something beautiful.
God has restored my joy.
After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it - joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.
People say I'm glowing. They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.
This is not happiness. This is joy. Pure joy.
It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it. And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation. This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.
Little has changed with my life. We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul.
Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
I can't find my voice. Not even to write a trusted friend, even though I know what I want to say. I want the words to come. I want the them to pour out of me like love pours out of me - effortlessly, without thought.
When did things get so complicated? My thoughts entangle with muddled emotions. I breath in, trying to remember what it feels like to breathe deep... trying to remember when things still made some sense.
I feel like I've lost myself or my mind or both, knowing that I've done neither is no comfort. Slowly, the person I used to be peeks out wondering if it's safe now.
I want someone to fight for me. Just like I would fight for them. Telling them to not give up, fight for life, it's worth it. Telling me what I know, but need to be reminded - things are tough I know, but you will make it through.
I want someone to hold my hand, just so I know they are there. Just so I know, I'm not alone.