Decluttering Life

It's been way too long since I have written.  In my opinion, there aren't any excuses that are good enough to justify it, so I will spare you. Life just goes on and time goes by. And before you know it, nine months or so passes like it was nothing at all.

What bothers me the most is how easy it is for me to just stop writing, regardless of how therapeutic it is for me to write.  And when that happens, I tell myself that I'll write tomorrow or the next day, yet that day never comes.

It really is that simple and, yet, it seems so complicated.  Or overwhelming. Or both.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something big, yet I am not sure what exactly. For the past couple of weeks - months even, I've been trying to get my life - or at least my surroundings - together... slowly decluttering my life and making things simpler.  I don't know why, I just feel as if it is time.

It's the time for a lot of things really. It's time now.  And slowly, even if it's one word at a time, life will - hopefully - become simpler again.

Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

Somewhere Only We Know

Feeling this tonight. Something beautiful & truthful about it.

Dislodged

I'm just going to write what my heart says & worry about it later. It's not really what I want to do, but I don't see any other way.

I can feel myself dislodging, pulling away for everyone & everything - which hasn't always ended well. I don't know how to be anything but honest.

I am hurting. Confused & trying to sort things out. When did it not become okay for others to care about each other? Yes, there are so many questions.

The truth is just that - the truth. I have been discontent for awhile now. I have decisions to make & I'm not sure everyone will like my choices. And even if I don't have to make them, I feel that I do. Those chioices aren't for them. They are for me. And me alone.

I want my life to matter. To make a difference. And even if I do matter - even if I do make a difference - somehow it's just not enough. Not enough for me.

I don't know know how to be anyone or anything but me. The me who cares for others. Feels deeply. Is genuine.

I am struggling. Trying to hold on. A friend told me last night, "Your just going through a tough season." Boy, she ain't kidding. Tough, indeed.

This sucks.

Lent: Exposed (Day 8)

Do you ever feel like you just want to slow down? That life goes by so fast & is way too complicated? That's how I feel at the moment.

Whatever happened to keeping things simple. Doing things bc you want to, not bc you have to. Taking the time to catch up with friends or make new ones bc you want to connect more, desiring nothing more than to connect to people on a deeper level.

Being truthful, honest & authentic to the core - stripping everything away & saying this is me. This is who I am. This is who God created me to be. Gone is the defense mechanisms, the walls, the hesitations, the lies that we hold in place to keep us safe. To be exposed.

Yes, I gave up avoidance for Lent. My attempt to be more authentic, more real. To embrace the growth & change that is happening within me. To continue on this journey I have found myself on. A very unexpected, unplanned journey to live as truthful & authentic as I can - no matter the cost.

Though unplanned - it is not unwanted. This journey is not easy &, at times, is scary as hell. I have to resist my urge to run. Hide. And Avoid. I would be lying if I told you there weren't times that I want to quit - throw in the towel - surrender. This is just too painful at times. To drag out in the open all the dirt, all the muck, the things hidden in the dark - crammed way in the back -hoping to be forgotten.

To be exposed. To be vulnerable. Risking it all for the sake of me. The me that I was always meant to be.

I am not alone on this journey but sometimes, I feel alone. Especially, when I am going through tough stuff that I'm keeping to myself, which is apparently a pattern me. Who knew?

So, silently I pray. Talk to Him. Hoping for something to make sense. Bc with Him, I am already vulnerable. Already exposed. Still I wonder, if that is enough.

Taking Hold

I am exhausted. It's a good exhausted though. My weekend was full of friends & family, & I wouldn't have it any other way. It was a non-stop celebration (birthdays, holiday gatherings, ect..).

Yesterday, after rushing to mom's so we could watch the Raven's game - I couldn't help it we are in the playoffs (we won by the way!) - while helping her bake cookies & other yummy food for dinner. My cousin, John & his family came over, as they do every year around this time.

I loved seeing them & wish that I could do it more during the year. I don't know what it is, but I just want to grab on to the family & friends that I have left & take hold. Time goes on, people grow up, life (& death) happens... way too fast in my opinion.

It might be bc 2009 was such a difficult year with all the losses I encountered, but I think it's more... I've had losses before - many, many, many of them - in a short period of time. This is something more. Something I just can't put my finger on.

Something unsettling. Something urgent.

I wish I could shake it, but I can't. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing exactly, only that it's difficult to identify & it seems to not be going away anytime soon. For whatever reason I have a feeling that it is not for me to know the answers.

So, again, as numerous times in the past, I wait. Taking in the world around me - grabbing hold tight. Knowing that I'm just along for the ride.

Good Bye 2009 & Thanks For It All

In a couple of hours, 2009 will be a thing of the past. And I can't be more glad.

This year has been so difficult. It's not about the deaths or other losses I have had, how my husband & I struggled, the things that have gone unsaid or unwritten, but about all of it together.

Yes, this year has been difficult.

While I have had difficult times - years - before, 2009 is different. I am different. Even though I have struggled this year, I have also changed & grown more than any year that I can remember. My struggling & changing have gone hand & hand. There is no doubt that one has effected the other. How could it not?

Amongst other things, I have grown in my faith as a Christian. I have grown as a person & there is no doubt, I am better for it. I cannot, & will not, look back on this year & (as much as I may want to) wish that it would or could be forgotten.

It is through the difficult times of this year that I have not only grown, but grown closer to God. My faith has been tested & stretched. I have questioned, begged & pleaded, & prayed more than I have ever in the past. Likewise, it has been years since my faith has been tested like this. And I must say, my relationship with God has never been more real. More personal. More connected than ever before.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I would have said or done things differently? Do I wish that I could go back & re-do things again, changing the outcome? Yes... and no. Yes, don't we all wish we could do that to some degree & no, if I could change things, have a re-do, things would not be how they are now.

There is a reason for it all. Everything both good & bad has a purpose. I would like to think that the difficulties I have faced, the struggling I have endured, have a reason - a good one - for occurring; that life as I know it will be different than ever before. Be different in the new year to come.

So, I say Good Bye to this year & give thanks for it. For without this year & everything I encountered within it, I would not be just where I am & who I am today.

The Journey

I recently wrote a friend & said, "I have learned that the great things in life that make the biggest impacts are not always easy nor or they simple. And I truly believe it is the journey that we go on along the way that makes us who we are."

True life, real life, is about how we live. You know - when we stop going through the motions, stop existing & start living. It's not an easy task, to live. It's much easier to just be alive, but that is not who we were meant to be. We were meant to be more.

We were created to feel, to be real with one another - open & honest, to trust, to love, to be human. Every one's journey is different - some more difficult than others. Who am I to say mine is more difficult than yours or vice versa?

Life - REAL life - is difficult. Lessons learned are hard. So realize as you are on your journey, I'm on my own too. And I hope that that you, too, no matter how difficult are living & not just alive.

All That Matters

Things have been nothing short of crazy; however, every once in a while - when I'm able to breathe again - I can see things differently.

God is amazing. He designed us to be complex, ever-changing beings, who have the ability to think for ourselves & love one another deeply, as long as we give ourselves permission to do so. That's the beautiful thing about free will, we are never forced to really do anything. It has always been a choice - our choice.

Remember this? Well, with hesitation & readiness, I took the plunge & went to my first session. It turned out well, & left me much to think about & reflect on. Was it scary & difficult, undoubtedly. The thing is that God made sure that I had the perfect person to go on this journey with me, which I believe is a true blessing & not an accident at all.

I see things differently now & I am surprised at how quickly I am able to see things that I've never saw before. This is just the beginning for me & I am positive that I'm on a journey of healing that I will continue on for the rest of my life.

Upon reflection, the song "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl is very fitting. Give it a listen (but first scroll to the bottom of this page & pause the other music). No, really. It will only take a minute - well, 4 minutes & 25 seconds to be exact, but listen anyway. Seriously.



I do, no doubt, have a purpose in not only my life, but in this world. I don't need to know what that purpose is, only that there is one. And I am loved. Even when I don't think I deserve to be. No matter what has happened or will happen, God loves me - even if I am imperfectly broken. And in the end, that's all that truly matters.

Faith & Fireworks

I find it interesting that I didn't start this blog to talk about or to be centered around faith, but that's what it seems to be turning into. Perhaps, that's because I find myself not only changing as a person, but growing as a Christian.

My friend Lyda just found out last week that her mom has lung cancer. This has been a trying time for Lyda, as this news is just one more thing piled on top of other struggles, such as being let go as a school teacher, a result of our failing economy.

There is no question that things are not great in her life right now. I can not imagine what she is going through, so I won't even try. I wish there was something I could do to make things better, but I know the only thing is to continue to pray. I wish I could tell her everything is going to work out or be okay, but that is something I can't guarantee. No one can.

On another note, the Fourth of July came and went. A holiday that was always big to me in the past, wasn't so big this year. No cookout for us, no spending hours on end at the town fair. We did go, but stayed just long enough to get pictures of the kids and leave. Jake had to work most of the the day, so it just wasn't the same without him.

Not to mention, I missed and thought of many people that for whatever reason just weren't around (I'm still missing Mandy EVERY day, wondering when the day will come when she is not the first thing I think of when I wake up).

That coupled with the fact that I've been "grounded" since last Tuesday night, with my power chair being broken - which meant I had to use man power and rely on others for help to get around and do things in my very old falling apart manual chair - didn't make me want to be all eager for the Fourth of July. We did however, see some cool fireworks though.

No the holiday didn't go as planned or even how I wanted it to go, but I have found that if I focus on how I think things should be for too long, I miss some pretty incredible things around me.