Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

Falling Slowly

I'm really feeling this song tonight...

One Step At A Time

"Faith is taking the first step 

even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(1929-1968)

I'm 37 today. Thirty seven.

How did I get here?  How have Jake & I just had the privilege of celebrating our 8th year of marriage already?  It's a privilege that we fought for - a privilege that we have very much earned the right to celebrate.  After all, a lot of marriages don't even make it this far, sad to say.

Truthfully, I must say with each passing year, the twinge in my heart gets a little deeper.

And there is a sadness, hidden behind the celebration of blessings.  Amid the thankfulness of another year, there is something missing.  No, not something, but someone.

For another year of trying to have a child has passed.

Yet we pray, we hope, we believe - that we will be parents some day.

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of faith is believing what we cannot see.  No, not God - for I see Him daily in numerous ways, but rather His Plan for my life.

It is hard for me to see His Plan, bc I am limited by my very human eyes.  And try as I might, I just can't see the whole picture - the Greater Plan.

And no, I may not know why certain things happen or don't happen.  I may never know this side of Heaven;  however, at times, I do see glimpses His Plan.

So with each year that passes, I cling to my faith.  And I forge on, one step at a time, even if I don't see the whole staircase.

Stream of Consciousness: Still Praying

I'm thrilled to be blogging (on a regular basis) again.  I wonder what it will take to get to the point where I am blogging boldly again.

Jake is out of work again.  I know, on here, he never was employed after his layoff last August, but he was... I just never spoke about it publicly.  He had the most amazing job, which he loved.  Still praying that they find away to keep him.  He was in his sweet spot & I loved watching his passion emerge & for him to do what he was created to do. Still praying that something will come through. What?  I do not know.

There are a lot of things that I never speak about on here that I wish I could put words to... I just want the freedom to speak them out loud.  They are not secrets really, but they feel like they are. They are just things that I prefer not to share with everyone.

I have friends that are going through stuff.  I am worried about them.  I don't know the best way to help them, so I pray.  I'm praying a lot lately.  Grateful to have words to my prayers now.  I am glad I have friends that are there for me, even when I retreat. Or try to anyway.  Secretly, I wonder if I will ever be the same again.  

People ask, how can I still praise Him?  I don't know what to tell them, but the truth as I know it - how can I not praise Him? Especially in the storm?  And yes - we are in a storm.  One hell of a storm.   Still trying to trust Him fully.

I breathe deep & wonder when will our turn come?  I feel like it has been non-stop.  Ashamed to admit my faith has been shaken a time or two.  Have we not been faithful?  Does He not know my heart? When is enough just enough?

Still I pray.  I let my tears be my words when no words are to be found.  What else am I to do?  I have no clue.  So I do what I do when I don't know what to do.  In the middle of the storm - pray.

I pray. Still.

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

Snowstorm

Inward, I retreat.

For over a month, I have disappeared.  Little outings, brief & far between. No church even.  Still.

People ask.  I have no words for them.  I struggle to figure it out myself.  I can't pinpoint it.  All I say is - when I figure it out myself, I will let you know.  That has to be enough for now.

I just can't give what I don't have. Faking it & fake smiles can only get me so far.  I'm overwhelmed.  Struggling for words - the least of my worries.

All I can think is it's a form of grief that needs to work itself out, as the second anniversary of Dad's passing & stuff is rapidly approaching.  I brush over the words "and stuff" like it's nothing, still unable to put words to monumental moments of my life on this very public blog.

I hate that there are walls still around my wounded heart, guarding it from further injury.  Right now, I'm more vulnerable than I have been in a long time, which makes me want to retreat to feel safe.

Even as I retreat, there's a closeness I crave.  A comfort.  A safe place to fall.  There are things that I know to be true, but long for reassurance.

With time, this too shall pass.  

For now, I forge on weathering the storm.


"Snowstorm" By: Jenn Bostic

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Saying Sunday: Cheers To A New Year

"Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right."

 ~ Oprah Winfrey

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope.  What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times.  Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting.  Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple.  When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of  blogging, something I have always loved.  Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do.  All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.



I do not know what's in the future for me.  All I know is what I have been through & where I have been.  And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

Stays With You

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Dear Dad: 2 Months Gone

{June 16, 2007}

Dear Dad,

It has been two months since you passed away. I still can't believe you are gone. It seems surreal. Time is moving so slow for me, but is flying by way too fast for me too. The world around me is spinning. I'm am slowly coming out of the shock & beginning to be able to feel again.

The majority of my friends don't understand - having never lost a parent. Before you were gone, I thought I understood when friends lost their mom or dad bc I've lost people who mean the world to me. I was wrong... so very, very wrong. Through everything that I have been through, this is absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt.

There are many friends that are not talking to me. It's like I have something they fear is contagious. Deep down, I understand... they just don't know what to say. I get it. It still hurts though. I am getting really tired of me reaching out & them not reaching back. For some, our friendship has forever altered - never to be the same.

I still find it difficult to talk to you. Not knowing what to say or how to say it. There was so much left unsaid. Stuff that needed to be said, more for my benefit then yours. I'm struggling to make sense of many the different sides of you. From the man you were to man you became. From the dad you once were & the dad you became to be. One man, broken & imperfect - just like us all.

I sat in your chair most of the day yesterday. My heart ached for you. Much like it does now. I am pissed at you too. Angry that you left me with so much to sort out, so many questions, & so much unfinished stuff.

It was you who laid in that bed as we begged you to go to the hospital. You knew this was the end & this is what you chose. By the time you were at the hospital, 5 days later you were gone. Even so, this leaves me struggling with much inside.

I want you back. I want you here. I want you to see my (non-existent) kids grow up. I want to say the things that you never let me say. Things that you never let me say bc you would utter, "Okay, Okay, I don't want to talk about it..."

Well, when Dad? When do you want to talk about it? Now? That is so unfair to me. So very unfair. I can't even talk to you now, unable to say what really needs to be said. Somewhere there is this little girl who still wants approval from Daddy. Wondering if she's doing everything okay. Not wanting to upset you.

When will I realize that stuff like that doesn't matter anymore? Nothing matters, not like that. I can't go back now. I never could.

So, I see Jake in flannel & he reminds me of you. I look at the stars & think of you. I look at Jupiter shinning bright in the sky, knowing that it will be gone in a little while - still there, but unable to be seen.

Just like you.

Love Always,

Letter To A Treasured Friend

My Dearest Deanna,

I have wanted to write you for sometime now. And for some reason I miss you terribly today. I've been thinking about you a lot these past couple of weeks. Seven years seem way too long to not see or talk to someone who was once your best friend. It is strange how some people just drift apart for no apparent reason at all & then so much time passes & then months turn into years.

You would be so proud of me. I am so different from when we last saw each other. I no longer have depression &, Dee, I'm happy in my life. I love my husband Jake & we have been trying for a family for 3 years now. We haven't had a easy marriage, but we stick it out & know that with each other & God we can make it through anything. I so love him deeply & don't know what I would do without him, & I know for a fact he feels the same.

Mom & I have a good relationship now (at least it is so much better than the one before) that I am out of the house & let me tell you just how great forgiveness is. A couple of years ago, I told her, "Mom, you were the best Mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it." Forgiveness is such an incredible thing, but honestly, I think it has done more for me than it has for her.

I would tell you about my Dad too, but right now I'm at a loss of words about him. See, he died just over a month ago on Aug 13th. My world has been turned upside down & flipped around & it is unlike any other loss grief I have ever felt. Then to add to it, my mom's friend of over 40 years, whom I loved like an aunt, died 9 days later & I buried them 7 days apart.

I can honestly say that I'm still numb & that's okay for right now. The emotions will come when they come & I'm just holding onto my faith, reaching out to friends & hoping they reach back. Honestly, though, even if they don't - I know that God will give me what I need when I need it & surround me with the perfect people & support when the time comes.

I am so glad that you & Chris are married & am delighted to see your love & family grow. I couldn't be more happy for you. I have often thought about you guys over the years & hoped that you were doing well. I am not sure where you are living at the moment, but I would love to see you & catch up or something of the sort.

I hope this letter finds you healthy & happy & know that even though the years have passed, you will always find a friend in me. You can always call me, text me, write me whatever. I will always be here for you. After all, that's what a best friend does, even if we drifted apart over the years.

Deanna, you were such a wonderful friend to me, even when I really didn't deserve such the incredible friend you were to me. You saw me through some really horrible & dark times in my life & I I'll always have such gratitude for the love you have shown me. So, let me take this time to tell you thank you for everything you have done for me bc it has help make me the person I am today.

And as always, I love you.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM (Part 2)

How ironic it is that I am writing this post at about the same time that I wrote the first one - completely unplanned - I assure you.

So, as luck would have it (or maybe it wasn't luck after all), I really like my new doctor. She is very nice, understanding & patient, all things I was concerned about. And she is super supportive of me TTC, or doing whatever I feel comfortable with at the given time. In others words, what I want to do is up to me.

There are a few medical concerns though, but nothing that has to do with my Cerebral Palsy. And though I choose not to go into specifics at this time as to what they are, lets just say they are things that I'm not only aware of, but concerned with too. And there is no reason that as long as these concerns are managed, I wouldn't have a completely healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

However, she did mention my weight & suggested that I may consider gastric bypass considering my medical history & my lack of mobility. She made sure to tell me she's not a fan of suggesting it to her patients at all either.

I'm not quite sure what I think about her saying that in general, but it was clear it was only said as something to consider for the future & that it was not said out of any other context but a caring concern. I'm so not a fan of that either & I would never even consider that at all. So there is differences in opinion there.

She also gave me a referral to preconceptual counseling again, since it has been many years that I went for the same thing before, but she made sure to let me know that it was completely up to me if I wanted to go again.

I was glad given the circumstances of the day: new doctor, lots of pain due to the rain, nerves, & a cold room (which doesn't do well for my CP, as it causes me to be more spastic & have less of a range of motion), my appointment went as well as it did.

Reflecting on the visit I was pleased that it went the way it did, knowing that it could have went many other ways. Who wouldn't love a doctor whose patient, explains things, answers questions, & last advice for us in TTC is "Have fun trying."

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

TTC: Giving It to Him

Dear God,

I have had enough. So, I'm turning it all over to You & You alone. I can see things falling into place, but I know You see the the entire picture & this glorious plan You have chosen for me. You are what I am not... All seeing & knowing. I trust You, & only You.

It is just not up to me when I have a family or what family I have, just as I didn't chose what family I was born into. To others, they are not perfect, but they are the perfect family for me. You chose them for me, just as You will will chose me for someone I have not yet met. Someone already chosen. Chosen by You.

I am truly given this over to You. Every bit of it. For whatever reason, what I'm doing has not worked. I will no longer stress over things out of my control. At least not about this. You have a reason for it all, & that truly is enough for me.

So here I am, pondering this journey I have found myself on & this little thing called hope. Realizing that I would be nothing without You & Your unconditional love for me. I can't tell You why I know the things I do or I'm certain that everything will be okay, I just know it will be. I guess it's bc I know You.

I love You & I want to thank You for the mercy & grace You have chosen to bestow upon me. Thank You. Thank You for it all.

Forever Yours,

Blog Hop: Hope Floats

{This Blog Hop was started by Joanna @ Raising Madison. So hop on by & see what all the fuss is about.}

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

~~ Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock)

in the movie, Hope Floats

Sometimes I think of hope as what remains when there is nothing left.

Over the years, just as my faith has changed, so have my hopes & dreams. Gone are the days that I hope I matter to someone. Now, I know I do.

Gone are the times that I hope there was more than being lost in despair. Now, I'm happy, full of light & life.

Gone are the days when I hoped I was loved, Now, I know, without doubt, I am loved... So much, & by so many , it is beyond words.

I still have many hopes today, just like I did back then. I hope one day, God will chose to bless me with a child that I can call my own, but in some strange way, as if I can see the future, I know He will.

I hope that my family & friends know just how much I love & care for them, even if time, distance or words fail me. I will forever be blessed by the people who are in my life & who have been in my life in the past.

And I hope that as life goes on, I will never take one single thing for granted - not one kind word or a hug from a friend bc in the end, those are the things that matter the most. And in some strange way that defies explanation, it is in those small moments - when we need it the most - that hope floats up.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.