Yet To Be Written

So, so, so much time has passed. And yet no words have been written.

It is now, as of yesterday, 2016.  And a new year awaits.  Brand new - yet to be written.

Sometime last year, I decided that it was time for a change & I resolved to declutter my life and get my health in order (more on that in a future post, I promise).  I have to say, for the most part, I have been successful on those resolutions.  It is, however, a continuing journey.  And, sometimes, easier said than done.

I have always thought of a new year as something hopeful.  It's as if the possibilities are endless.  A chance for things to be better than the year before. A chance for growth. A chance for prayers to be answered.

And I hope is true for this coming year.  After all, anything is possible.

Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

Falling Slowly

I'm really feeling this song tonight...

One Step At A Time

"Faith is taking the first step 

even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(1929-1968)

I'm 37 today. Thirty seven.

How did I get here?  How have Jake & I just had the privilege of celebrating our 8th year of marriage already?  It's a privilege that we fought for - a privilege that we have very much earned the right to celebrate.  After all, a lot of marriages don't even make it this far, sad to say.

Truthfully, I must say with each passing year, the twinge in my heart gets a little deeper.

And there is a sadness, hidden behind the celebration of blessings.  Amid the thankfulness of another year, there is something missing.  No, not something, but someone.

For another year of trying to have a child has passed.

Yet we pray, we hope, we believe - that we will be parents some day.

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of faith is believing what we cannot see.  No, not God - for I see Him daily in numerous ways, but rather His Plan for my life.

It is hard for me to see His Plan, bc I am limited by my very human eyes.  And try as I might, I just can't see the whole picture - the Greater Plan.

And no, I may not know why certain things happen or don't happen.  I may never know this side of Heaven;  however, at times, I do see glimpses His Plan.

So with each year that passes, I cling to my faith.  And I forge on, one step at a time, even if I don't see the whole staircase.

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope.  What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times.  Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting.  Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple.  When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of  blogging, something I have always loved.  Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do.  All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.



I do not know what's in the future for me.  All I know is what I have been through & where I have been.  And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

Blog Hop: Hope Floats

{This Blog Hop was started by Joanna @ Raising Madison. So hop on by & see what all the fuss is about.}

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

~~ Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock)

in the movie, Hope Floats

Sometimes I think of hope as what remains when there is nothing left.

Over the years, just as my faith has changed, so have my hopes & dreams. Gone are the days that I hope I matter to someone. Now, I know I do.

Gone are the times that I hope there was more than being lost in despair. Now, I'm happy, full of light & life.

Gone are the days when I hoped I was loved, Now, I know, without doubt, I am loved... So much, & by so many , it is beyond words.

I still have many hopes today, just like I did back then. I hope one day, God will chose to bless me with a child that I can call my own, but in some strange way, as if I can see the future, I know He will.

I hope that my family & friends know just how much I love & care for them, even if time, distance or words fail me. I will forever be blessed by the people who are in my life & who have been in my life in the past.

And I hope that as life goes on, I will never take one single thing for granted - not one kind word or a hug from a friend bc in the end, those are the things that matter the most. And in some strange way that defies explanation, it is in those small moments - when we need it the most - that hope floats up.

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.