Words

I've been thinking a lot lately about words.  How words can change things. How words can affect others. How words are powerful.  Our words are more powerful than we realize.

Words can tear people down or build them up. And our choices mean everything.

I really try to be careful with my words. I try to build others up every chance I get.  I try to leave others better than I found them.  Sometimes I fail at that, but most of the time I'm successful.  At least I hope I am. People tell me I'm gifted with writing.  They say I'm gifted with words.

It has taken me forever to honor my gifts.  I didn't always believe the truth.  There's been many people in my life that spent a lot of time destroying my self esteem.  They wrote on the slate of who I was changing who I was meant to be.

Thankfully, I have had a lot of people in my life who spent a lot of time trying to build me back up.  They saw something I didn't see.  They saw the truth.  Not only did they believe in me, but they loved me when I didn't even love myself.

I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's suddenly losing my dear friend, Betsy. Maybe it's the place Jake & I are in lately, which has not without it's challenges.  Maybe it's looking back & wishing that I would have used my time more wisely with those who, for whatever reason, are no longer a part of my life.

I am not perfect.  No one is.  I make mistakes.  I say wrong things. I go over conversations in my head, time & again, wishing I had a do-over; however, I also try to be careful with my words.  I try to be kind.  I try to build others up.  Encourage them. And I pray that, more often than not, my words have left others better than when I found them, even if the place I found them was great.

Lent: Pushing Through

Today, Betsy would have been 52.  I spent most of the day thinking of her.  And wondering if I should go the Ash Wednesday services at Cedar Ridge.  It still baffles me that she's gone & I just can't imagine the service without her.  After all, she was the one who creatively planned the services for what seems like forever.

Turns out, because of pain, I didn't go. Oh, how I wish I would have. I keep mulling over the past few weeks in  my head, still finding it hard to believe that she's gone now.  Yet, there is an undeniable presence of her at church.  How can there not be? After all, she poured out her heart and soul there for years.

I've also been wondering what to do for Lent.  So I give up something or add something? I have decided that for Lent, I need to write more, especially on here.  For far too long, I have gotten away from blogging. And I secretly regret it.

I think of all the moments I have missed.  All the late nights spent not asleep writing stuff that no one will ever read. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I would start to write a post in my head, but never push through that feeling of vulnerability of being exposed on this very public blog to actually post something.

So, hear I go. Plunging back in. On purpose.  Pushing through all the uncomfortable spots for an important cause, as a friend often reminds me.  Oh, how I'm so grateful for her ever present gentle encouragement, often when I need it the most.

The truth is I've been doing some private writing, which has been therapeutic. And hard.  There have been many times where I have wondered why I keep pursuing a process that is so difficult.  Why is it that I want to work through stuff that I have crammed down for so long?

And yes, there have been many times where I want quit.  I've wanted to just stop dredging up the tough stuff that I've long since buried.  Still, time & again, I continue to plunge in, no matter how deep the waters get.

I wish I could say that these weeks have been easy.  They haven't.  I wish I could say that Jake & I have not struggled. We have. I wish that I could say that giving a voice to my thoughts and feelings came flowing out of me without much effort. It hasn't.

So here I go. I'm all in, whether I like it or not.. After all, I am fighting for an important cause. I'm fighting for me. And that's the most important cause of all.

Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

Somewhere Only We Know

Feeling this tonight. Something beautiful & truthful about it.

Just So I Know

I can't find my voice.  Not even to write a trusted friend, even though I know what I want to say.  I want the words to come.  I want the them to pour out of me like love pours out of me - effortlessly, without thought.

When did things get so complicated?  My thoughts entangle with muddled emotions.  I breath in, trying to remember what it feels like to breathe deep... trying to remember when things still made some sense.

I feel like I've lost myself or my mind or both, knowing that I've done neither is no comfort.  Slowly, the person I used to be peeks out wondering if it's safe now.

I want someone to fight for me.  Just like I would fight for them. Telling them to not give up, fight for life, it's worth it. Telling me what I know, but need to be reminded - things are tough I know, but you will make it through.

I want someone to hold my hand, just so I know they are there. Just so I know, I'm not alone.

Saying Sunday: You Don't Deserve Me

"I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle; but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

~ Marilyn Monroe,
American Actress, Model & Singer
(1926-1962)

Stream of Consciousness: Better Than This

Dear So & So,

Hello.  Remember me?  Your so-called best friend?  Hi, how ya doing?  How ya been?  So long, no see... go figure.  Out of respect - & yes, even love - for our friendship, I will leave your name out of this.  As always, I'm writing for myself, so if you read this or not really does not matter.

Where are you?  I don't get it... I really don't.  My dad died, other life things happened, which caused my world to crash.  And for once, the person who was always there for you, needed you.  I reached out, the best I could any way.  You couldn't even return a text.  Who does that?  Not me.

Here it is late at night, & I can't sleep, bc I am thinking abt you.  It's bad enough to miss someone not living anymore, but you -  you are living & sometimes, my heart hurts so much, I cannot breathe.

I keep going over things in my head.  It just doesn't make sense.  So many years of friendship... & it comes down to this?  What the hell?

I'm resisting calling you... here at almost 2 AM.  Do you remember?  Do you remember all those late night talks we would have?  All those nights you needed me.  In my head, I just can't get wrap my brain around anything that would make sense for things to be like they are.  It just doesn't add up.

I wasn't the perfect friend, but I tried.  I was there for you.  I was there for you, even when it was was difficult for me to be.  I don't think I could have been a better friend, but maybe I'm wrong.  For once, I needed you.  I needed you instead of you needing me.  And the thing that really gets me is you knew I needed you.

For once, things flipped-flopped.

Still.  This isn't abt keeping score.  It's abt the fact that I miss you.  Can't you even send me a text sometime?  You, who are attached to your phone.  I would love to see you.  Hear your voice.  I miss laughing with you.  I miss just being with you.

Sure, I get it. It's awkward. Well, it's awkward for me too.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt bad.  And yes, you did that.  There's no getting around that.

Just admit it, say you're sorry & let's move on.  Aren't we better than this?

I reach out, & pray that you will reach back.  With every text - with every attempt - I wonder if this will be the time that will make things right between us.  Secretly, deep down, I wonder if things will ever be somewhat normal between us again.

I love you.  I always have.  I still do.  I always will love you.  Remember that.  I get that some friends aren't meant to be friends forever, & if that is us... well, then that's us.  I can't do anything abt it.  I won't force you to stay.

I will, however, always be thankful for you & your friendship, for however long you choose to stay.

Love You. Always.

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

Saying Sunday: The Company We Keep

"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."

~Epictetus
Greek Philosopher associated with the Stoics
AD 55-c.135

Friend Request

It's going to rain, I can feel it in my bones.  It's been off & on rain for days now.

From my window, I watch a man, who's wearing a wife-beater & has his long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, push an older man in a wheelchair down the middle of our one-way street. Secretly, I wonder what their stories are.

We all have a story.  Some more complicated & complex than others, but it is ours nonetheless.  We can choose to share it or not, with whomever we want.

Likewise, it is like that with our lives too.  Complicated & complex. Share it or not. Sometimes we don't have a choice of who is in our lives, other times we do.  It's just the way things happen.

People annoy me right now.  I just don't have the time, energy or desire to deal with people & their complexities when I have my own.

And, I am definitely not accepting any new friends. Request denied. Or so I thought.

I met Kate exactly a month ago yesterday.  She works at a place that I have chosen to invest my time, energy & love into. Somewhere that holds a very special place in my heart, but that's another post for another time.

When started volunteering there, I didn't expect to become friends with anyone. I didn't even try.  At all.

So imagine my surprise when Kate & I quickly became friends. It feels like we have known each other for forever.  I can't tell you how many times we have said how our friendship feels so easy.  Almost as if we're sisters.

It's been decades since I have made a friend so effortlessly, as it seems natural, totally different than my newly-formed friendships have felt in the past.  Kate & I are very alike in many ways.  Our husbands even get along.  In fact, they are similar in ways too. Go figure.

Since I'm struggling right now, I find it ironic that when I'm retreating from others, I want to be around Kate.  With all my trust issues, you would think I would run from her as fast as I can, but I don't.  Or at least I'm trying very hard not to run, wanting to hide.

She has been an amazing friend to me, which truly sounds strange given that she hasn't been my friend for long.  She probably would say the same about me.  You'd have to ask her though.  I try not to speak for my friends, especially when they can speak for themselves just fine.

With her, my walls are up, then they're down, then they're up again.  And that's okay.  It has to be at the moment, because I just don't have the energy for one more thing in my life not to be okay right now.  I'm more than grateful that she's patient with me.

So for now, as I struggle on, I give thanks all the blessings in my life.  Especially the beautiful ones that I didn't see coming.

Dear Mandy: Three Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

I went to sleep thinking of you & I woke up doing the same. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that three years ago today, you left this world.  How does time do that?

I miss you so much.  My life is very different now.  I wish you were here.  I long to hear your voice & miss your friendship beyond words.

I miss a lot of my friendships actually, not just yours.  Strangely though, most of the friends I miss are still here.  In a way, it is a different grief, longing & sadness.  Grieving for something I know will never be the same.  The realization that some best friends, aren't meant to be best forever - no matter how many years you have known them.

Not us though.  There are times when I feel you around me, although I wish it was more.  God, I miss you.  I think of you at least once every day.  Still.  I miss getting together with you, playing the Wii, scrapbooking, watching movies... all of it.

I miss just being with you.  Being your friend was always so easy.  With you, I never had to try to figure out anything.  I could just be who I was, whatever I was going through - no matter what. I miss that.

I hate that I have lost interest in things I used to love. Photography, scrapbooking, blogging, cook outs. Just being with people.  This didn't happen overnight.  It never does.  And it didn't happen bc of you.

I lost myself & I'm trying to find me again. That sounds so cliché, but nonetheless it's true.  I now understand that life is a simple series of beginning & ends - of starts & finishes.  I understand that it's people that make life so complicated.

I understand that life is precious.  And we only get one shot at it.  Like it or not, we were put on this earth for one reason & one reason only - to love one another.  Thank you, My Mandy, for doing just that.  Thank you for loving me.

Love Forever,

Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.

Forever Blessed

Sometime in the early morning, I will awake & know I'm only hours away from seeing her.  For the love of the good Lord above, I do not know how so much time has passed. Nine years or nearly that to be exact.

I am forever blessed bc Deanna has loved me for so many years.  Thinking back, she has loved me when I made it difficult to love me.  I think that of a lot of my friends whom I have known for so long, not just Dee.

Still. She loved me through the depression, through the tough stuff, through the unspeakable stuff, even when I pushed her away.  She assures me that our friendship was never one sided, but over the years, I have felt, & remembered back, that it was.  Or at least it felt that way.  To me, she has always given more to me than she has taken.  I feel blessed that she feels this is not true.

I will see her & meet two of her three precious kids, another visible reminder of truly how much time has passed.  And I can't wait.  Deep down, I wish - hope, really - that one day she will meet my kids too. God willing.

I am nervous, but I'm unsure why.  Maybe it's bc I am unable to hide from her. She can see right through me.  She always could.  And the truth is, I've been hiding a lot.  In the unwritten blog posts, from friends, still unable to speak abt certain things out loud.

I will be okay though. I know it.  I've had some set backs, but I've also had some breakthroughs. Thank God for breakthroughs... breakthroughs & friends who will stand with me through the tough stuff.

I am blessed.  Forever blessed.

Saying Sundays: Sing It Again

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

~ Bernard Meltzer

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Mandy: Two Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

Oh, how it seems strange to fathom that so much time has passed. How in the world could it be 2 years already? So surreal.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you & miss you. You are, & always will be, a part of me. Oh, how I wish I could see what you see & know what you know, bc without doubt, it's got to be something.


This year has been unbelievably tough for me for many reasons & it has made me miss you even more. This year has taught me that friends like you are few & far between. And our friendship was undoubtedly something rare that I will always cherish.

God, I miss you so. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I still can't believe you are not here. More often than not, there are days when I walk around dumb founded trying to figure out what is a miss. Then I remember.

It's you. You are what's missing.

I didn't think it was possible to miss you more than I already did, then dad died & everything fell apart bc it started with dad, but didn't end there.

Life is funny that way.

It's so ironic that you have to loose what's important to you to find what's important to you. Even more ironic is that when you lose you find out who matters &, more importantly, who you matter to.

You always mattered. You still do. That will never change. Either will my love for you or my undying gratefulness for you & your friendship in my life.

Such a blessing. A beautiful, beautiful blessing.

Love & Light Forever,

Trying To Remember

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.


I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.