My Heart's Desire

For as long as I can remember, Jake & I have wanted child.  Actually ideally we would have loved to have had more than one child. However if I've learned one thing in life, it's that life never works out the way you expect.

I would like to say that we have been open about our struggles with fertility, but we haven't.  In fact, for many years our struggles were kept only between us.  As the years went on, we shared our journey with only a selected few.

The truth is, along the way, not everyone has been supportive.  Sad to say, there are a lot of people who think that I don't have the right to be a mom simply bc I have Cerebral Palsy or am in a wheelchair.  And this includes some people who were in my life & even some doctors.

You just would not believe what some people say - right to my face - when they are confronted with the truth I try to live in daily.

Truth is, CP is not genetic.  And just bc someone is in a wheelchair, it does not mean they cannot be a good mother.  It most certainly does not mean I don't deserve a chance to be a mom, if that's what my heart desires.

Then there is Jake who deserves to be a dad just as much as I deserve to be a mom.  You should see him interact with the children he works with.  He's amazing.  I can honestly say that one of the privileges of volunteering where he works is getting to see this firsthand.  He has truly found his sweet spot & the place where his heart lives.

And this is the journey we have found ourselves on... we certainly expected that we would have some challenges to deal with along the way & some things to figure out. To be honest, along the way, many things, which includes our many emotions, have not been easy at all.

And years later, we are still here. Waiting & praying. Knowing that one day things will fall into just the way they are meant to be, whether we are parents or not.

Lent: Pushing Through

Today, Betsy would have been 52.  I spent most of the day thinking of her.  And wondering if I should go the Ash Wednesday services at Cedar Ridge.  It still baffles me that she's gone & I just can't imagine the service without her.  After all, she was the one who creatively planned the services for what seems like forever.

Turns out, because of pain, I didn't go. Oh, how I wish I would have. I keep mulling over the past few weeks in  my head, still finding it hard to believe that she's gone now.  Yet, there is an undeniable presence of her at church.  How can there not be? After all, she poured out her heart and soul there for years.

I've also been wondering what to do for Lent.  So I give up something or add something? I have decided that for Lent, I need to write more, especially on here.  For far too long, I have gotten away from blogging. And I secretly regret it.

I think of all the moments I have missed.  All the late nights spent not asleep writing stuff that no one will ever read. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I would start to write a post in my head, but never push through that feeling of vulnerability of being exposed on this very public blog to actually post something.

So, hear I go. Plunging back in. On purpose.  Pushing through all the uncomfortable spots for an important cause, as a friend often reminds me.  Oh, how I'm so grateful for her ever present gentle encouragement, often when I need it the most.

The truth is I've been doing some private writing, which has been therapeutic. And hard.  There have been many times where I have wondered why I keep pursuing a process that is so difficult.  Why is it that I want to work through stuff that I have crammed down for so long?

And yes, there have been many times where I want quit.  I've wanted to just stop dredging up the tough stuff that I've long since buried.  Still, time & again, I continue to plunge in, no matter how deep the waters get.

I wish I could say that these weeks have been easy.  They haven't.  I wish I could say that Jake & I have not struggled. We have. I wish that I could say that giving a voice to my thoughts and feelings came flowing out of me without much effort. It hasn't.

So here I go. I'm all in, whether I like it or not.. After all, I am fighting for an important cause. I'm fighting for me. And that's the most important cause of all.

Falling Slowly

I'm really feeling this song tonight...

Joy Restored

Joy [joi]
noun

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

*Source: Dictionary.com

It happened shortly after the new year began.  I was given a unexpected gift.  Something beautiful.

God has restored my joy.

After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it -  joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.

People say I'm glowing.  They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.

Me, 2.1.2013

This is not happiness.  This is joy.  Pure joy.

It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it.  And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation.  This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.

Little has changed with my life.  We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul. 

Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.

Saying Sunday: You Don't Deserve Me

"I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle; but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

~ Marilyn Monroe,
American Actress, Model & Singer
(1926-1962)

Stream of Consciousness: Still Praying

I'm thrilled to be blogging (on a regular basis) again.  I wonder what it will take to get to the point where I am blogging boldly again.

Jake is out of work again.  I know, on here, he never was employed after his layoff last August, but he was... I just never spoke about it publicly.  He had the most amazing job, which he loved.  Still praying that they find away to keep him.  He was in his sweet spot & I loved watching his passion emerge & for him to do what he was created to do. Still praying that something will come through. What?  I do not know.

There are a lot of things that I never speak about on here that I wish I could put words to... I just want the freedom to speak them out loud.  They are not secrets really, but they feel like they are. They are just things that I prefer not to share with everyone.

I have friends that are going through stuff.  I am worried about them.  I don't know the best way to help them, so I pray.  I'm praying a lot lately.  Grateful to have words to my prayers now.  I am glad I have friends that are there for me, even when I retreat. Or try to anyway.  Secretly, I wonder if I will ever be the same again.  

People ask, how can I still praise Him?  I don't know what to tell them, but the truth as I know it - how can I not praise Him? Especially in the storm?  And yes - we are in a storm.  One hell of a storm.   Still trying to trust Him fully.

I breathe deep & wonder when will our turn come?  I feel like it has been non-stop.  Ashamed to admit my faith has been shaken a time or two.  Have we not been faithful?  Does He not know my heart? When is enough just enough?

Still I pray.  I let my tears be my words when no words are to be found.  What else am I to do?  I have no clue.  So I do what I do when I don't know what to do.  In the middle of the storm - pray.

I pray. Still.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Fall Into Place

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point. 

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late.  That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together.  They are & they're not.  Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not.  This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas.  Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again.  And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore.  I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad.  I miss other people, & "other things."  Secretly, I wonder if  there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are.  I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart.  I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place.  Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time.  That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through. 

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends.  Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked... 

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully.  As life & time ticks on.  I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith. 

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see.  Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.

It's Been Awhile

It's been months since I have written & I know it. The truth is within those months of absence, I have written hundreds of entries in my head. They just never made it here.

Sometimes, I wish they did.

Life has been tough. A lot of stuff going on... mostly emotional stuff that is taking it's toll on me. I won't bore you with details. Partly, bc it has just been so much & to try to write about it all at once is well, slightly overwhelming. And mostly bc I don't want this blog to be a downer for either you or me. Okay, so it might mostly be for my benefit. But still.

I never wanted this blog to be all about losing Mandy or losing Dad, but it seems that in large part that what it had become. Especially, Dad. This last year has been so difficult. It's like I lost not only him, but myself too. In a lot of ways, even now a year later, I'm trying to reclaim parts of me that don't seem to be connected.

As for Jake & I, we are doing well, despite the fact that he lost his job a few weeks ago. He was laid off along with many other people. I just hope & pray that his job search yields some results soon.

I miss a lot of my friends. Mostly, I just miss them being around. Or me being around them. Either way - schedules don't ever seem to line up & weeks go by & those weeks turn into months & so on. Life always seems to get in the way of the really important stuff. The stuff that doesn't cost money, but it cost time.

There never seems to be enough time. I hope, along with other things, that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to remember that in the darkest of times there still remains light.

Trying To Remember

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.


I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.

No Matter The State

I wish could tell you I have all the answers. I don't.

I never did.

Now, questions - well, questions are a different story entirely. I have had those. A million of them.

The past couple of months have been some of toughest I have ever lived through. For reasons that people know, some of which is written on this blog, & for reasons that remain untold & very much unwritten.

I have always been this way. Unable to share things until I was ready. And if on the off chance that something slipped out before the time was right, regret always followed. Always.

I wish I was ready to tell everyone, but I'm not. One day, I will be though, but that day will not be for a while now.

Hours from now, I will be riding in the van for quite some time with Theresa. Now her... her I'm ready to tell now. Trust me when I say that even though I have wanted to tell her for months now, I wasn't ready.

Still, I'm filled with many mixed emotions. And I pray that when the words come they come out like I would prefer them to come, not in some anxiety-induced manic state. I don't know why I'm worried though bc I've already had the conversation with her, for what seems like, a thousand times in my head & in a million different ways.

Whatever will happen today will happen. Whatever will be said will, in fact, be said. And at the end of the day I will feel better. Not bc of what will happen or be said, but bc I get to spend the entire day - out of state - with my friend who just by knowing her makes me want to be a better person.

And she always leaves me in a better place than she found me. Every time. No matter what state.

Blogger's Block

Regardless of the relationship, there is a security that exists when your parents are alive. For me, I didn't even realize it existed until it wasn't there or to be more accurate - until Dad wasn't there.

It has been strange how time has moved on. So slowly, yet incredibly fast. I would have to say there are more good days then bad right at the moment; however, when they are bad they are really bad.

For whatever reason, on more mornings then not, I still find myself having to remember that Dad is gone. I wonder when the nightmares & strange dreams will stop. I have been told by those who have already walked the path of losing a parent that this is normal.

I am incredibly grateful for my friends, the selected few of which I can count on one hand who have consistently been there & been a great support. I truly don't know what I would do without them. And on the other hand I can count more friends who have helped me in their own way & in their own time - for them I am grateful too.

As if it is some type of writer's block, there is so much I want to say, but I just can't find the words to say them in. So much that I want to blog about, but I just either can't find the words or don't have the desire at the moment to blog about. Good stuff that has nothing to do with grief.

This is so not what I wanted my blog to be about. One death after another - a strange journey to live life while living through other's deaths. I used to love to write post, but now I struggle to do things I used to love. Everything is still to complicated.

Secretly, I wonder when these post will be more about life then death, but I know better than to try & force something than not to blog about where I truly am at in the moment. This is where I am in my journey & I just need to honor it & be here - not to push it away.

So, here it is, this strange blogger's block that I find myself in. Hoping that I once again will find myself again & a new normal, one post at a time.

Embracing Truth

Yesterday, which only ended a few hours ago, was difficult.

I cried a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. In the middle of worship at church & everything. Body jerking, unstoppable crying. The kind that makes me want to run & hide type of crying. I stayed put though. Real progress for me, as I don't like feeling exposed or vulnerable around lots of people.

Here's the things though, it was real. It was the truth. And part of me believes, wholeheartedly, that if you can't get real & truthful in a church, maybe you aren't where you are supposed to be in the first place. Or maybe that isn't the right church for you.

Luckily, I was where I was supposed to be; hearing the message I was supossed to hear; surrounded by those who I was suppossed to be around. I love my church(es), both of them - for different reasons, but more about that later... that may a different post entirely.

So, for whatever reason, yesterday, I missed dad so much. And just don't know how I am to get through the holidays without him. I miss him so much at times, it hurts. Literally.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I know well enough that asking someone who's in Heaven to come back, even if they could, would be like torture. Even if he could come back, he wouldn't want to do so.

And, likewise, I realize that with everything there is a season. Trust me when I say, he is in such a better place than here. Still, I can't deny the truth...

I am hurting. Struggling.

And part of me knows that's where I am suppose to be at the moment. This isn't supposed to feel good, it's supposed to hurt.

It hurts bc I loved him. And part of me doesn't know what to do without the first man who ever loved me not being on this earth anymore.

And whatever I am feeling, no matter how crappy it feels, no matter how gut-wrenching, heart-ripping, painfully raw this feels - it is okay to feel. It is okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel what I feel, in the moment. It's okay to embrace this grief, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Bc I shouldn't have to run. I shouldn't have to hide, especially from that which is true.

Four Months Gone

Funny how time drifts on, even if we don't want it too.

I've been thinking lately how strange it feels to exists without my dad. There are days that I have to remind myself that he is gone.

Still.

This seems like a very odd thing for me to have to do, yet there are days when I have to remind myself several times. And others where it is painfully clear.

It seems like I should be doing something. Like going to a hospital to visit him, picking up food from the store, taking him Christmas shopping, or logging on to play The West with him.

Christmas time doesn't feel very Christmassy this year. I am amazed that it is cold bc somewhere in my brain, I am stuck back in August - unable to compute that my world has ticked on for an entire quarter of a year without him.

My phone is still too silent. I suspect it always will be. I wonder how others have coped & if they struggled to find their place again, like me.

Two AM & I am still awake. I am always awake now, never able to seem to get whatever it is I need. My doctor says this is what it is like to grieve for a parent. Or so he has heard. So vastly different than any other grief.

I should say so.

And will say so.

Four months. Gone.

Uncharted Waters

My life these past few months has not been easy. Not that I want it to be easy; although I must admit, it would be nice to just be a little bit easier.

I have been avoiding posting to this blog for many reasons, some of which are known to me & others which are not. Quite truthfully, I have struggled with daily life, as much as I have struggled to find the words to express myself.

When things have been bad, & I mean really bad, I would focus on anything good to get me through. Whether it would be a smile, a hug, some kind words, a phone call, or even an unprompted text.

Believe it or not, I have not been depressed. Only grieving, which in itself is very different from depression. I should know - I have depression for nearly 20 years & have grieved for many along the way... too many to count.

However this grief is unlike any other. It's an entity of its own.

And that is as difficult for me to explain as it is for others to understand. Most of my friends have never lost a parent, so they can't comprehend. And honestly, part of me still wishes that I was still naive to such a world altering moment unlike any other I have ever known.

And for any of you who truly know me, know that I have had many of those along the way.

So, for now, I must say I am doing the best I can. Taking the day as it comes & sometimes even that is difficult to do, but that just has to be enough for now... as I forge on in uncharted waters.

The Climb

Stream of Consciousness: 3 Months Gone

Providing such an outlet for me, I have always loved writing. So, why know when I needed the most, do I not do it? Your guess is as good as mine. The days are difficult. If it's not one thing it's another. Crisis after crisis. The world is on my shoulders.

It has so little to do with dad dying & so much to do with him at the same time. I miss him daily & it seems that everyday my heart aches for him even more. It's been 3 months today, yet it seems like yesterday.

There is an eerie silence in my world. My world forever altered now never to be the same. Losing a parent sucks. It is a pain so deep it is hard to put words to. Maybe that is why I can't write. Words are hard for me now.

How do you put into words something you cannot even seem to wrap your brain around fully yet to begin to comprehend it? We all know it happens. Everyone one day will lose their dad & mom. Everyone one day will die.

As good as my friends are - both the ones that are there & the ones that are not - they don't get it. How can they? Some have parents still living, some do not. Some had parents who are still married, some not. Some have siblings, some not. My point is, it is different for me, as it is them bc there situation is different. Even their relationship with there parents are different. Everyone's is. They have a different history. I have a different history. I am different.

They're is no cookie cutter way to grieve. There never has been. No, I don't need to go talk to someone. No one can tell me what I already know to be true. I will get through this. I have faith. I have faith, but not in myself. I have lost that for now. One day I will find it again. Just not today.

My faith in God however that still stands. Without question I am being tested. And I have faith in Him that if He brings me to it, He'll bring me through it. And when I doubt at my darkest hour, I just have to remember that I am not alone.

Losing It

Losing what? I am not sure. I am not sure of much anymore.

For days I've stayed to myself... Painfully pulled away. Well, truth be told - It wasn't so much pulling away as me just stopping reaching out.

What is the point? Especially if others don't reach back or are insanely busy. I am starting to feel like a bother.

For days, I've been in a dark place - dark & difficult. I'm not depressed, I'm grieving. I know the difference, having been in both places many times, for different lengths of time.

Most don't get it. They still have their parents. Even Jake who lost his mom 10 years ago struggles to get it at times. He wants to fix this. He can't. I feel bad for him. Isn't that ironic?

I want to strangle the person who says time heals. Time doesn't heal a damn thing, it just continues on. Continues on despite everything.

I try to keep my faith - keep it close to me. I know God is carrying me bc I am exhausted & just can't do this anymore.

I have lost it. Lost myself. Feel like I have lost everything & including who I am. I will never be the same... I just am struggling. Struggling to find my new normal.

Thoughts that are dark dance in my head. I try not to entertain them, not for long... no good can come of it.

So for now, I will try to sleep. To get rest from it all. And I will pray that in the morning, light will shine through the darkness... at least for a little while.