Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

Dear Mandy: Three Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

I went to sleep thinking of you & I woke up doing the same. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that three years ago today, you left this world.  How does time do that?

I miss you so much.  My life is very different now.  I wish you were here.  I long to hear your voice & miss your friendship beyond words.

I miss a lot of my friendships actually, not just yours.  Strangely though, most of the friends I miss are still here.  In a way, it is a different grief, longing & sadness.  Grieving for something I know will never be the same.  The realization that some best friends, aren't meant to be best forever - no matter how many years you have known them.

Not us though.  There are times when I feel you around me, although I wish it was more.  God, I miss you.  I think of you at least once every day.  Still.  I miss getting together with you, playing the Wii, scrapbooking, watching movies... all of it.

I miss just being with you.  Being your friend was always so easy.  With you, I never had to try to figure out anything.  I could just be who I was, whatever I was going through - no matter what. I miss that.

I hate that I have lost interest in things I used to love. Photography, scrapbooking, blogging, cook outs. Just being with people.  This didn't happen overnight.  It never does.  And it didn't happen bc of you.

I lost myself & I'm trying to find me again. That sounds so cliché, but nonetheless it's true.  I now understand that life is a simple series of beginning & ends - of starts & finishes.  I understand that it's people that make life so complicated.

I understand that life is precious.  And we only get one shot at it.  Like it or not, we were put on this earth for one reason & one reason only - to love one another.  Thank you, My Mandy, for doing just that.  Thank you for loving me.

Love Forever,

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope.  What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times.  Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting.  Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple.  When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of  blogging, something I have always loved.  Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do.  All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.



I do not know what's in the future for me.  All I know is what I have been through & where I have been.  And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

It's Been Awhile

It's been months since I have written & I know it. The truth is within those months of absence, I have written hundreds of entries in my head. They just never made it here.

Sometimes, I wish they did.

Life has been tough. A lot of stuff going on... mostly emotional stuff that is taking it's toll on me. I won't bore you with details. Partly, bc it has just been so much & to try to write about it all at once is well, slightly overwhelming. And mostly bc I don't want this blog to be a downer for either you or me. Okay, so it might mostly be for my benefit. But still.

I never wanted this blog to be all about losing Mandy or losing Dad, but it seems that in large part that what it had become. Especially, Dad. This last year has been so difficult. It's like I lost not only him, but myself too. In a lot of ways, even now a year later, I'm trying to reclaim parts of me that don't seem to be connected.

As for Jake & I, we are doing well, despite the fact that he lost his job a few weeks ago. He was laid off along with many other people. I just hope & pray that his job search yields some results soon.

I miss a lot of my friends. Mostly, I just miss them being around. Or me being around them. Either way - schedules don't ever seem to line up & weeks go by & those weeks turn into months & so on. Life always seems to get in the way of the really important stuff. The stuff that doesn't cost money, but it cost time.

There never seems to be enough time. I hope, along with other things, that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to remember that in the darkest of times there still remains light.

Mandy: Two Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

Oh, how it seems strange to fathom that so much time has passed. How in the world could it be 2 years already? So surreal.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you & miss you. You are, & always will be, a part of me. Oh, how I wish I could see what you see & know what you know, bc without doubt, it's got to be something.


This year has been unbelievably tough for me for many reasons & it has made me miss you even more. This year has taught me that friends like you are few & far between. And our friendship was undoubtedly something rare that I will always cherish.

God, I miss you so. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I still can't believe you are not here. More often than not, there are days when I walk around dumb founded trying to figure out what is a miss. Then I remember.

It's you. You are what's missing.

I didn't think it was possible to miss you more than I already did, then dad died & everything fell apart bc it started with dad, but didn't end there.

Life is funny that way.

It's so ironic that you have to loose what's important to you to find what's important to you. Even more ironic is that when you lose you find out who matters &, more importantly, who you matter to.

You always mattered. You still do. That will never change. Either will my love for you or my undying gratefulness for you & your friendship in my life.

Such a blessing. A beautiful, beautiful blessing.

Love & Light Forever,

Here I Am

So, it seems like forever ago since I have blogged & I guess, in some strange way, it has been. Almost a month now.

My computer is not feeling so well at the moment & I'm not quite sure what's going on with it or how to fix it, so I have to log on to my FIL's computer & I don't like to spend a lot of time on there if I can help it.

I always find time fascinating. How it continues on despite everything. It's the one constant that is an entity of its own.

Dad has been gone for over eight months now. And in 2 days, Mandy will be gone for two years. That's crazy. I'm baffled really.

I have found, at least as it relates to me, time does not heal wounds, as the cliche implies, but rather changes things. Or perhaps it is me who changes. If I had to guess, I would say it is a little of both.

I'm just been thinking a lot about everything & everyone. I've been reflecting on a lot of stuff lately, that of which all falls under the great & all encompassing umbrella of life. And death, I suppose.

I do not have all the answers, but then again, I never claimed to. All that I am certain of is that I am changing & growing, as I struggle to find my place among the living again.

Not that I died, but when you are dealing with grieving, no matter what or who you are grieving for, it feels as if a part of you has died. And parts of me did die, in a sense.

So, here I am. As time goes on, so do I. Despite it all.

Stream of Consciousness: On Overdrive & Hating It

It is a little past 1:30 in the morning & I can't sleep. My thoughts are swimming in my head so fast - it feels like tidal waves repeatably crashing upon the rocks & rushing the shore with no mercy in sight.

Just hours ago, I attended the viewing of a life long neighbor & family friend. She was always a good neighbor, but even a better friend.

Her daughter Sandy used to babysit me when I was little & we've been friends off & on throughout the years. Funny how people lose touch as time goes on. I hate that.

I'm six months along this strange journey that Sandy & her siblings are embarking on. I do not envy them. No one who has been here would.

I've been crying a lot tonight. It's just displaced grief that has surfaced. Untouched grief that is yet to be explored from Dad, Aunt Elaine, & even Mandy - I think.

On top of all that mom has had some health concerns that are causing me to feel somewhat on edge. Nothing too serious, but compounded with everything else just make my brain go a little on overdrive. I hate overdrive.

I try to take some deep breaths, but that is little relief. It is hard to put a name to my feelings & thoughts. I hate that too. Honestly, that has been happening a lot lately, more often then not.

All I think to say is - I 'm scared. Scared of what I don't know & can't put a name to it. This has happened before. The most clear example of this I can recall is the evening after dad died.

He died on a Friday & by Saturday night, I sought refuge at Theresa's house & spent the night. I was hell bent on not changing any plans that were already set before my world came crashing down. So there I was. Something that probably saved my life & sanity, in more ways than one.

All I could say was I'm scared. She would ask what I was scared of & I would tell her I don't know, unable to put a name to it. Months later, here I sit with that same feeling & still at a loss of words as ever.

And I hate it.

Stays With You

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Changing Me

The days of this week are running together.

I want tomorrow to come & go away just like any ordinary day. And it not be the day Mandy died a year ago, but the day that she gained her wings & flew to Heaven. A day to remember her life, not her death.

I'm so tired of everything. I am exhausted. My patience is wearing thin. With everyone & everything. Funny, how grief will do that. Change everything around you, change you. Even when we don't want it too.

Embracing Grief

I don't even know what to say, besides these days ahead are going to be tough. Jake & I are fine again, like I said, we don't fight often or stay mad for long. Good thing too... don't know how I would be able to face the upcoming days without him.

I am exhausted, having entered the automatic mode - surviving the only way I know how. Truthfully, part of me wants to skip this week all together. Then part of me wants to embrace my grief with full force. I think the ladder will win out.

I've been through this so many times with other loved ones, you would think grieving would be a breeze. I am here to tell you there is nothing easy about this.

I feel bad in some way that I haven't blogged much. Not even a Wordless Wednesday or a Saying Sunday. It's just that I've been finding it hard to get my thoughts together lately. And it's difficult to write when I'm having a hard time making sense of this & that.

There are so many cool things to blog about too. Post that will stay unwritten only for the simple fact that I feel that they should have their own time - or spotlight I guess you say - without being shadowed by something else.

Rest assured, I will make it through this. Mandy's one year anniversary of her death will have come & gone by the weekend. I will still rejoyce that she is in Heaven, but still miss her here.

Knowing that one never truly gets over a loss, but through it, I will do what I do best - taking it day by day, one step at a time. All the while giving thanks to a Father who aloud such a beautiful soul to be a part of my life for nearly 20 years.

For Now

It is rainy & dreary. Although there is much to share, I am too tired to do a blog post. It's one of those just let me crawl back in bed, pull the covers over me & shut out the world days, which is not a bad idea since I had such a bad night of unrestful sleep.

There are many things to catch you up on: T-Ball, Fencing, Mandy & Momma Dawne, Theresa & her mom, spending time with love ones, Jake & I spending time with each other... Daily life things.

All of which will remain unblogged. At least for now. My warm inviting bed is calling & I need to rest. Oh, how I need to rest.

The Beauty of Easter

Now that I've reached the point in time where my friend Mandy was hospitalized last year & passed away nearly a month later, I've just been taking it day by day. Some days are better than others.

I will not lie. I was not looking forward to this Easter. Not in the least. It is sad that I can not remember last Easter. I vaguely recall taking pictures of my brother-in-law's family in front of the magnolia tree in the front yard.

I don't even think we went to church. If we did I cannot remember. All that I can remember is thinking, "I hope this is not Mandy's last Easter. I hope I have more time with her. Please God, don't take away my best friend. Please don't take away another one." Weeks later she was gone. And a piece of my soul went with her.

Traditionally, mom & I have spent more Easters apart in the passing years than not. Mostly bc she has chosen to spend it with friends who don't have the greatest houses to get into with a power chair. Sometimes it really sucks to not be as mobile as I have been in the past.

As a result, the last couple of years we got to spend Easter with friends & their families. Creating moments & memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. They are priceless.

With Mandy being gone almost a year now, I've been feeling out of sorts, kind of lost. Not really sad as much as people would wrongly assume, but more just trying to work through my grief the best way I know how - by embracing it & taking one day at a time... like I said some days are better than others.

Easter rolled around this time & we really didn't have a place to go, which only mirrored how disconnected & displaced I have been feeling lately. When my friend, Beth, found out we didn't have plans, she invited us to to spend the day with her & her husband Will & their families.

{Me & Beth 3.7.2010}

I must tell about them. They are absolutely two of the most amazing people God allowed to cross my path or is it me who crossed their path? Either way...it is not hard to understand why they are who they are once you meet their families.

I still do not know what I have done to deserve such an friend that have found in Beth. Both her & Will are the most genuine, loving, passionate, real, down-to-earth, funny, creative, faith-rooted, God loving, hard working, caring & compassionate people you will ever have the privilege to meet... if you ever do.

{Will & Jake, 3.7.2010}

They have the most incredible property and beautiful house. All of which was made with love, hard work, blood, sweat & tears, since they bought their house in 2003 in "as is" condition intent on fixing up to sell it so that they can build their dream house on another lot within the 11 acre property. After awhile of putting so many hours in on the house, they decided to stay right there.

I assured Beth that even though her house was a split level & filled with many steps that somehow we would make it work, using the old phrase, "Where there is a will, there is a way."I came armed with a power chair, a manual chair, two ramps & even a set of quad canes. I assured her that everything would be fine & I was sure that God would would work everything out. And even though I had know idea how it was going to work, I knew it would.

Turns out, Easter day was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. After this incredibly moving, tear jerking open prayer to God, to which I did nothing but think of Mandy as big, humongous, tears ran down my cheeks spilling over & over again - much like they are now as I type this - we all ate outside. The food tasted great & Beth's thoughtfulness & creatively was all around us. Can't you tell by the Little Butter Lamb?

And as luck would have it - although I don't believe it was luck at all - my power chair just fit through her side door to her bottom level giving me access to it & a bathroom {:) Seriously. As the night wore on & the other company left, Beth & I chatted as we sat on the sofa as our men did dishes upstairs & chatted themselves. After Will went to bed, Jake came down stairs & eventually fell asleep, but Beth and I chatted on the sofa til 2 AM.

I must tell you - it has been quite a while, years even, since I felt so welcomed at someone's house. Throughout the day, I continually felt so unconditionally loved & supported, regardless of who I was, how I felt, or what I've been though.

Tears flow as I'm writing this... God is amazing. He makes sure we have what we need when we need it, just as He did when He made sure I was surrounded by the perfect people. I know, without a doubt, Mandy's in Heaven, no longer confined to a broken body with limitations. I miss her so much at times that I physically want to scream out in pain. But I know that bc she believed in Him, I will see her again. That is the beauty of sacrifice & Easter.

Stream of Consciousness: Forever Altered

It's late & I can't sleep. There has been so much on my mind, it's been difficult for me to sort out. Things have been great here. The weather is beautiful & Spring has sprung. Jake & I for the most part have been getting along. Gosh, I am so in love with him. Every time we kiss, I still lose my breath. Everyone should have love like that. Everyone.

I have been thinking about Mandy a lot. We have reached the point, as of March 30th, that she was admitted to the hospital. Remember this post? Yup. It's been a year already. And I know that the very next post I wrote after that one was written eight days after her death. If you would like to read it, you can do so here. If not, that's okay too. The whole month of April 2009 is MIA. Not one keystroke, not one uttered word - at least not on here.

I am forever changed, still unable to speak words for things I witnessed & even how I felt. It has been years - decades even since a friend's death has effected me like Mandy's has. I am not the same person I was then. No where near that person. I am forever altered.

My brother, Lea's, birthday is tomorrow. I have been going though my pictures on the computer looking for a specific one I want to post. I just can't go through anymore. It's too hard. I have thousands of pictures on my hard drive. And there are a lot of people who aren't in my life now - for whatever reason. So, I've decided to abandon my search for now. I'll still blog a post for him, but a picture may not accompany it. Oh, well... Life rolls on.

Speaking of life, my friend Janie, buried her mom last Monday. I didn't go to the funeral, but Jake & I did go to the later viewing, after attempting to go to the earlier one & then getting lost for a hour & a half. Not our best moments, for neither Jake or myself when that happens. We must work on that. Or at least I should. That's the best thing that came from us having a GPS - if lost or misdirected - it will put you on the right track. Too bad our GPS was stolen.

Anyway, this viewing for Janie's mom was incredible. Unlike any I have attended before. They took an hour or so of it & talked & shared about her mom. I have never seen that before, at least not at a viewing. Janie is so amazing. A genuine person who is doesn't know how to be anything but real. I can so appreciate that. I'm not sure if this is a new thing for her or she's always been that way. I just know that her sisters are just as amazing & that in itself tells you just what a person her mom was.

Easter is days away. I'm spending it with my friend Beth & her family. Years past, I've spent it with many loved ones, but I find it ironic that I feel so displaced this year. I have never been to Beth's house. And I have seen pictures of the steps. All I know is I don't know how, but I will make it work. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without Beth. She is what true friends are made of.

It is really late. And I'm tired. I hate post like these, but I do them often. I think it helps me sleep. At least blogging seems to allow me to settle after a bit. I just think tired post are so revealing. Without question, my guard is down... which may not be a bad thing after all.

Good night, sweet dreams.

Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

4:00 AM Ramblings

In a little over an hour the alarm is set to go off to wake Jake from his slumber. I wish it was me - sleeping beside him, but I know any attempt to sleep now is a useless effort.

God, that man doesn't know how lucky he has it. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. I admire his uncanny ability to not worry about things daily. I love the way he can be goofy & couldn't really care less who thought what of him. But on the other hand that can be as annoying as hell.

Here is yet another night's sleep unhad. My mind consumed with thoughts, unable to quiet. Perhaps it is bc I'm in pain. Or miss Mandy. Or I'm going to church this evening to attend a farewell-to-you-Beth-thanks-for-giving-us-your-all-as-an-employee-for-ten-years-but-we-are-really-glad-you-are-staying-with-are-church-as-a-community-member party. This in general is a great thing, but I pray that she makes a smooth transition into the next phase, whatever that may be for her. In a lot of ways, I'm so happy for her.

Mostly, I think it's Mandy though. Yesterday evening, which was just hours ago, was emotional. Like a crying like I can't breathe kind of emotional. I'm here to tell tell you nothing gets easier with time. Nothing. Especially, when & where questions exists.

I need a hug. A couple of days ago, I got really sick, but I feel better now. My body still aches though. And my sleep disturbed. Hell, who am I kidding? My sleep is always disturbed.

I can't wait for Spring. Although I think it's going to rain today. The pain in my hips is a better indacater then the word of any weather man. I should go now. And at least try to snuggle up to my sleeping husband while I still can.

Still

Dear Mandy,

I have no idea why I'm writing this letter. All I know is I miss you. With my whole entire being, I miss you. It's almost as if the day you died a part of my soul shattered - never be the same again.

I don't know why, but I found myself going through & rereading some of your e-mails today. And I believe that on some level you knew your time on earth was limited.

You know that I'm a healthy skeptic. I don't buy into a lot of things, but I do believe that you & your energy lives on. And not that I buy into all the Mediums & such, but I do believe that there are certain people who have certain gifts. And that things exist on a higher level in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

For whatever reason I found myself looking for quotes by John Edward and found this, & it made me think of you:

"I believe that before anybody makes the journey to the other side, we have to know on a soul level that we are leaving, whether it's an accident or illness,and we prepare ourselves to a certain degree that we won't be there in the future."

Is that what it was like for you? Did you know you were leaving us? It's hard for me to grasp the concept that you didn't know on some level. Even harder to grasp that you've been gone for almost a year now. I want you back. I want everything to be the same.

I want to hear your voice. Go on errands with you. I want you to call late at night again worried bc your mom isn't home yet, & ask Jake to come help you get in bed & make me swear not to tell anyone bc your were afraid what people would think.

I worry about your mom. I talk to her as often as I can. Sometimes it is hard, for both of us. To say that her world has been turned upside down does not even come close to what has happened. You were her entire world. You know, you see - I believe that. I believe it bc I know it to be the truth.

Spring is near & I can't wait to see my first butterfly. Not that I need a butterfly to remind me of you. EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Last Sunday, Jake & I went to lunch with some friends from church, & afterwards we found ourselves walking around a local mall - the same one that we were in with you, so many times before.

It is surreal going to places that I've been with you. It is almost like it is too difficult to comprehend certain places existing without you. Hell, there are times I don't know just how I exist without you. Even now, almost a year later, there are times I wake up & you are the very first person I think of, still.

I can't help missing you. It's like a piece of me is gone. There are times when grief & my tears over take me. And that is okay. Bc at the very least it is something real. And feeling, whatever the feeling is, it is not a bad thing.

Jake & I listen to mixed CDs I created of contemporary Christian songs in the car all the time. One of them has the song, "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West on it. This week, when I was missing you, I looked the video up on YouTube. It still reminds me of you. I think it always will.

You were so full of life. Never taking one single second for granted. And such an absolutely amazing friend. And I can only hope to live my life making the most of it, like you did. But that doesn't mean I don't miss you. Every day. Still.

Love Always,

Ten Months

Dear Mandy,

Can it really be ten months since you have gone from us? Still there are days that I can't wrap my brain around everything. Sometimes, I still think that I will wake & it will be a dream. No, a nightmare. There is so much I wish I would have said to you. Things that you know already, but I still wish I would have said. It doesn't make any difference now. I know that your love is still here. With me.

It isn't fair - for someone who loved life so much - that you are not here. I know there are so many things we wanted to do together & never got to do. So many places that we wanted to go together. You loved New York so much & I would have loved to be a tag along on one of your trips. Or one of the many cruises you took. So many missed days with you.

Sometimes, I miss you so much I just want to drop to my knees & scream out. If I could get off the floor without calling the firemen to safely help me up. Like when I fell yesterday & got a nasty (very painful) bruise on my arm. Some people would have a problem with calling 911, but whatever... it is what it is. Kinda like your death. It is what it is, but it doesn't make the hurt go away.

Some days are better than others. Today is not. I know I will see you again, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It's a shame you missed the biggest historical blizzard of 2010. They are saying it is like the biggest storm in 100 years or something like that. My mom has said she has never seen snow like that since she has been alive. I want the Big Melt to happen fast so spring comes & you can send me butterflies again.

God, I miss you. It's not like I haven't lost people before. Best friends even. But you - you are different. Although to put in words just how & why you are different is impossible for me. Some days, I just don't know how I make it through. I hate that I'm crying so hard right now I can't breathe.

It sucks here without you. The world just isn't as bright without you.

Love, Your BFF & Beyond,

100

100 things about me for the 100th post (in total randomness):

1. I cannot believe this is my 100th post!

2. I can talk to anybody & often do, even if they are a total stranger.

3. I have a great memory.

4. Over a year ago, maybe even two by now -I was in Coldstone Creamery & said to a lady in line, "Hey, I know you. Your name is Carrie & we went to elementary school together." I was right & it had been over 25 years since I saw her.

5. I hate green beans & will only eat them on very rare occasion. This is bc my mom had them all the time when I was a a kid & used to make me eat them.

6. I love reading & often use it to escape.

7. I just finished a novel called The Lightning Thief. It is the first book in a series. It's a lot like Harry Potter, but it encompasses Greek mythology, instead of Magic. I know it's deemed as a kid's book, but I could not put it down. I read it in a day and a half. The movie of this book is coming out Presidents Day 2010.

8. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know when that is.

9. I am grateful that I like to (sometimes) read books that aren't really for adults. Sometimes, I just need a break from my very adult life.

10. My eyes are green.

11. I'm in love with people's eyes. They can tell you so much.

12. Sometimes I wish I had a sister.

13. I'm fat & I'm okay with that. Why aren't you?

14. I haven't had a hair cut since September of 2008, which is unheard of for me.

15. I need to update my profile picture, but haven't found a replacement picture for it (Note: Since this post is taking me forever to write I have found a new picture. What do ya think?).

16. I've been slowly withdrawing from my friends, & I'm not sure why.

17. I hate Barney.

18. I love Jesse, really I do. Lately, I've been wondering why he wasn't so damn LOUD in the store? What the hell was I thinking?

19. I am not a girly girl.

20. My favorite color is Purple. Although it has changed throughout the years. I also love Periwinkle, which was the color of my wedding. Periwinkle is also my mom's favorite color.

21. I have a scar in my back from when I was a kid & visiting my Mom Mum in VA & tried to climb a fence... Somebody really forgot to tell me I have CP. {:)

22. There are somethings I wish I could do over about my wedding.

23. Hell, there are things I wish I could do over. Period.

24. I hate hospitals.

25. I will however go to the hospital if it means seeing or spending time with someone I love. Even if it is to say goodbye.

26. I hate goodbyes.

26. I miss Mandy. More than anyone realizes.

27. I really was a "Poster Child." One day, I'll tell you about it. Maybe.

28. As a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. When I told my mom this (I think I was 3 or 4), she started to cry. I then asked, "Can I at least be an ice skater?"

29. The longest friendship I have is with Thea. We met when we were 2. Although I have to say there were years that we were apart in between there.

30. I met Jake in 1995. We were best friends. I liked him back then. He had no clue.

31. I asked him out on March of 2003. He tells me if I didn't ask him, he would have never asked me. Nice, Huh? {:)

32. I have loved Bonjovi since I was in the 5th grade. I will always love him.

33. I wasn't always the best picture taker. I got better over the years.

34. Even though I try to live my life with no regrets, I have many.

35. I wish I was disciplined enough to read the Bible from cover to cover.

36. Mathew 7:13-14 used to be my favorite passage. Now it's James 1:2-4, which is at the top of this blog.

37. My faith is more personal than my religion. And I think that's the way it should be.

38. I miss the churches I went to as a child, but they just don't fit with who I am now.

39. I am allergic to pork. I wasn't always. I miss bacon.

40. I was hospitalized once bc of it. Not fun.

41. Pork is in more things than you realize. Like gelatin (unless it's marked kosher). Gelatin is in every thing from dips to marshmallows. I miss s'mores.

42. I have a secret love affair with cheese.

43. One of my favorite cheeses is Brie. Brie taste different cold than it does warmed up, which is my favorite way to eat it.

44. While I do not hate it, American cheese is my least favorite. Now, Swiss on the other hand - I do not care for at all.

45. My father wanted to name me Nora Jean. I am so very thankful for my mother intervening.

46. I have had the names of my children picked out since I was little. They have not changed. People who know that often ask, "What about Jake, doesn't he get a say? To which I reply, "They get his last name." However, Jake tells me that he likes the names anyway. Maybe one day I'll get to share them with you. {:)

47. I have a beta fish that sits on my desk. His name is Aka, which is the word "red" in Japanese.

48. Pee Wee thinks he is a great mouse hunter. He's not... Most of the time.

49. The older I get, the less I want to deal with people. Really, life is not all about you.

50. If we were to get technical, life is all about Him. Then again, that is my option. It does not have to be yours.

51. I have friends & family with different beliefs than me. Some are even atheist. It's okay. I am still their friend & love them regardless. Always.

52. I have a friend that was murdered in 2003. I often wonder if they ever caught the person(s) who killed him.

53. I have a brother in Heaven. His name is Brent.

54. My brother Damon has paranoid Schizophrenia. I love him dearly & I visit him often. He can't help the way he is anymore then I can help having CP. A disability is a disability. One day, I will tell you about him.

55. We have 2 mixed Cds I made of some of my favorite Christian music. That's all we listen too anymore.

56. My favorite time is when we are going to church & we are jamming out to those CDs. I spend a lot of time talking to God then.

57. I'm a night owl.

58. I wonder if this will change if we have children. I think it will for a while, but I will always be a night owl.

59. I know that if I didn't have Pee Wee, I would go insane. I am so glad I have him - even if he is "just a dog." (Note: I don't say that bc to me his not, but to others that's what he is.)

60. I will listen to just about any kind of music, except for rap. I just will never be into it.

61. I know a lot of sign language. I learned it years ago, before I ever dated Jake. Who knew that my future brother-in-law & his wife would both be deaf? God's funny like that.

62. I often wonder why sign language isn't considered to be another language like Spanish & French.

63. I used to go to a camp called Camp Greentop for Disabled children & adults. The last summer I attended was 2003. It is an awesome camp & I would highly recommend it. Some of the greatest people that I know on earth, I met from there.

64. Sometimes I toy with the idea of going back to camp, but I think I am just in a different place in my life now. Plus, now with all the budget cuts, there is no way I could swing it money wise.

65. I do not like dead things, such as dead fish, dead hermit crabs, dead mice. I know it happens... I just don't like seeing it. It creeps me out.

66. I miss Jakes maternal grand father. He died in July of 2005 We called him Grandpop. He lived here with Jake & his dad (& me when I moved in). He never left this house. Seriously - for eight years, except to go to his daughter's funeral in April of 2000.

67. I never knew Jake's mom. I saw her once when I was at college & Jake never introduced us though. I always have wished I knew her. And I always wished she was here now. I would have really loved her & in some strange way - I do.

68. I could spend hours in Barnes & Noble.

69. I miss walking.

70. We just found out tonight that our GPS was stolen from our car. The charger is gone, the mount & the unit, but they left the bag we stored it in. We can't believe nothing else was stolen. Jake said he must have left the door unlocked & not knew it while he was at his job (apparently, the lock is acting up). I am glad that they didn't take the nice bag we stored it in bc Mandy gave that to us for Christmas 2008. Three months after Christmas, she died. I would have been heartbroken, if they had taken it.

71. Even though we go to church every Sunday, sometimes, I miss it during the week. I miss the connection with people & the hugs. They are the only hugs I get all week.

72. I am an extrovert. Very outgoing. Often loud. Most of the time I don't mean to be. And if I'm nervous, I get loud without realizing it.

73. When I'm upset, I get quiet. When I got a lot going on, I withdraw.

74. Jake used to be my safe place to fall. He's not anymore. I don't have one. I miss him being it.

75. People are so used to me telling them that it will be okay. Sometimes, I need to hear that too.

76. I love water. I drink about 4-5 liters of it a day sometimes more.

77. I love swimming & can do great things in it - like handstands. Go figure.

78. When I was a a 6 year old child at Camp Greentop, they put HUGE blocks of ice in the pool & called it a Polar Bear swim. I was not amused. And said, "What are you insane? Don't you know kids with CP freeze up (as in their muscles tense, it's hard to move & quite pain full - at least for me) when they are cold!" And for those who know me in real life - yes, in many ways, I was the same at 6 as I am now.

79. I love crafts.

80. One of my good friends, Regine & I met at oil painting class at the local senior center. We were 8.

81. I used to be terrified of dogs. I got bit by one when I was a kid.

82. I am grateful I do not have that fear anymore. And so is Pee Wee.

83. Even though I've done it 3 times, I am afraid to fly.

84. I love to work with kids.

85. Tonight, I gave Pee Wee a new treat. It is a dried, smoked cow's nose... ewwww! It is bigger than his head. He has been chewing on it for 2 hrs now. It is supposed to be great for cleaning his teeth. And when he first saw it, he just looked at it & sniffed it, gave a little lick & looked at it again, then looked at me as if to say, "Thanks, Mom! But how do I eat this thing?"



86. I've love Rosie O'Donnell & have met her. Twice. She even sent me tickets to her show once. I know some people do not like her. She has radical views & is outspoken. I don't care. To me, she is just a very real person who has a huge heart & is passionate. It makes me love her even more.

89. I love to sing & I used to be in Gifted & Talented choir in high school.

90. I used to be on Tech Crew too. I loved it. In fact, my Sr. year I was the Tech Director. I even used to climb the spiral stair case to the spot room. That made some people nervous & they didn't want me to do it. I didn't care. I did it anyway. A lot. In some strange way it made me feel normal - as in those with out CP - like the other kids & I loved it.

91. I am very stubborn.

92. I miss my Mom's mom. A lot. She died when I was 9.

93. When I was in third grade & at a new school, someone said that I stole some chalk. I did not. Ms. Chashen believed them. I got in trouble. I wonder who stole that chalk?

94. There is nothing that I tell people about Jake that I have not told him or would tell them in front of him. This is sometimes hard for people to understand. He's my husband. I am who I am. I will not hid how I feel or what I think from him. Good or bad.

95. My favorite season is Spring.

96. My Birthday is July 23rd. I share that birthday with my friend Thea, my niece Corrinne, my friend Travis, & several other people whom I have met, know & love.

97. Sometimes, even though I didn't have the greatest relationship historically, I miss living with my mom. For those of you who know the whole history, I know this statement is totally crazy. And to that I say, she is my mom & I love her deeply.

98. My favorite word is onomatopoeia.

99. Jake has never read this blog. He knows it exists. I've told him where to find it. I have even told him to read it. He never has. Sometimes, I wish he did. He says he'll read it when I post this post. And to tell you people out there in Blogland that he will. I don't think he will read it on his own, without prompting. We will see.

100. It has taken me 9 days to write this post & it's really hard to come up with 100 things to say at random - even if it is facts & thoughts about my life. This post will actually go live 11 days after I started it, which will be 8 days short of a year since I started this blog. It is one of the best things I could have ever done.

One Day, Two Parties!

My day was packed full of family & friends. Love & gratitude was over flowing.

I went to Christian's first birthday party today*. I am so smitten by him it's not funny. That boy just gets more beautiful every time I see him. I am so happy that his mother is still a part of my life & she has given me the opportunity to love her family.

After I left Stacey, I went to mom's annual Girl Gathering*. Where great homemade food is raved about, good conversations are had by all, some gifts are exchanged, among lots of laughs, especially if Aunt Elaine & I have something to do with it (we can just look at each other & without a word erupt in laughter). And after church tomorrow, it's back to mom's for more family fun.

* Pictures soon, I promise.

I don't know what it is, but I've been thinking a lot. Pondering many different things & trying to sort it all in my head. I find myself asking if tomorrow comes, will this person know how much I love them. I supposed this is bc I've been thinking & missing Mandy non-stop. Life is too short to not appreciate a love one now.

In addition, I'm trying to work through some personal things that I am just not ready to share at the moment. So much for blogging boldly. {:) Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'm still trying to figure things out in my head, before I pound it out here. And even though I've been blogging a couple months short of a year, I go back & forth sometimes about how much I want to share - a dilemma that I am sure all bloggers have at some point.

I also think I'm going to start something called "Saying Sunday". I have a strong desire to blog more then I have in the past & I'm finding that I really like that on Wordless Wednesdays bc they are a short picture post & don't require much time at all. Traditionally, I like to keep my Sundays focused on God & family, so I don't really desire to blog then. So, starting tomorrow, I will post a quote that I like or that has special meaning.

Speaking of tomorrow, church is early & sleep is calling.

Just A Little Venting

I will be the first to tell you - I am not perfect. Not by a long shot, just not at all.

I don't know it all or even pretend to know it all. I want certain things I can't have, some not right now, some not at all:

I want to have a family;
I want to have my friends here with me, instead of not.
I want to stop being tortured by Mandy's death &
I want answers damn it (don't I deserve that?);
I want to cure cancer;
I want to be able to freely admit - I am pissed & that isn't going away, not soon!
I want people to understand that feelings are not wrong, no matter what they are -
I want to believe what I know to be true.
I want to not worry about certain things;
I want to stop doubting;
I want to know that things are going to be okay;
I want a safe place to fall!

Wow, it's a short list, but that's a lot & at least it's truthful. And I know that I could go on longer, but don't have the time or the engery. Hey, if I can't vent, WTH is a blog good for anyway?