Letters For Christmas

Dear Mandy,

My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. What is Christmas like in Heaven? Limited with my earthly vision, I cannot imagine the glorious & beautiful the celebration is there. My grief is unbearable today. Tears flow freely down nonstop. It still feels like a nightmare that I long to wake from - still.

It's hard to believe that it has been 7 months & two days since you've left us, exactly down the minute of this post. I wish there is something I could do to make the emptiness I feel to subside. It has been years since I have felt pain this deep. Even though I know that you are healed, healthy & happy in heaven, it doesn't make me miss you any less.

Everything about this season is difficult, even the shopping. I see you in everything & can't help but remember where we went to shop for Christmas last December, the errands we would run, the cards you sent, the presents for Pee Wee & Jesse that you would insist on buying - not knowing it would be the last Christmas season you would spend here on earth with us.

I wish I had the words to say how deeply & intense my feelings are today, but words like that just do not exists.

All of My Love,


Dear Momma Nancy,

Oh, how I miss you. My thoughts travel to your precious family & love ones left here. This season must be unbearable, especially for Heather, Daddy Don, & Corrinne. This grief for you is so new & fresh, I can't imagine how people are making it through.

It's funny how my grief is so deep bc it is impacted by each loss of this year, but all I can mange is to think of others who loved you & wondering how they are making it through this day, expecially since they also lost your mom 5 months before they lost you.

I am glad you are not in pain anymore. You fought so long & hard for so long. Now you are free of pain, but for those of us that are still down here on earth missing you as every second goes by, the pain still remains.

For someone who always seems to have words for everything, I can only think of one now...

Butterfly,

Waiting For Something Better

It has been forever since I have written. In reality, only 6 days, but if feels like forever.

Christmas is in 3 days & I'm not ready. The tree is up with lights, but it is not decorated. Saturday came & went & dumped 2 feet of snow upon us. It is a mess in Maryland.

Everything is in slow motion & I hate it. I am not being humbugish, but it is true that I just want this holiday to go away. I want nothing more then to wake up on the 26th & things to be done & over with.

I just don't have my heart into it this year. I miss Mandy, Momma Nancy, Lynne & Pete. Oh how I wish I had a child to throw my energy into right at the moment, but I don't. Not that a child would make it all better.

I'm a firm believer in children should not be born with a job, such as those who have children in an attempt to save a relationship*. However, I know me & the truth is that I know that if I were a mom at this very moment, I would focus on making Christmas enjoyable for my child.

*Let me make it clear that even though Jake & I are having our struggles at the moment, our marriage itself is not in jeopardy.

Truthfully, I want nothing more then to make this holiday about me connecting with my husband & us both connecting with the God who wants nothing but the best for us.

It seems that over time this holiday has lost its focus. Family dwindles away. It becomes about what you get instead of focusing on what you already have & the intrinsic things you can give or the gifts that cost nothing.

And another thing - while I love & am very grateful for the children that our a part of our lives - I get tired of being Aunt Shannon to OPC* sometimes & wonder when it's our turn to be parents.

* Other People's Children

The most frustrating thing at the moment is trusting. Truthfully, I will readily tell you that I have trust issues. I always have. And I must admit that even as strong as my faith is sometimes those trust issues carry over to trusting God.

Over time, He has showed me that His plan that happens on His time is far more superior than my plan. In fact, it is not only superior, but the result that often occurs when I submit to His plan is far more greater than I have ever could have imagined.

So, for now I wait. Trying to trust bc I know there is something better for me. There has to be.

Beauty

There is nothing easy about this. Today, in a few short hours, I will go to Momma Nancy's viewings, which seems like nothing but a bad dream that I long to wake from. Even as I write these words, they sound foreign & unfamiliar, though I have been here a million times before.

This day has been coming, but I wasn't prepared for it. How does one prepare for something like this? I can say without a doubt, God has been good to me. Through out the my life, He has blessed me with the most beautiful, incredible people.

I am so thankful.

Even though my heart is hurting, I am comforted by the fact that I will see her again up in Heaven, & it's not so much a Goodbye, but a see you soon - that is the beauty of grace & God.

Slow Motion

I am numb. The world around me is in slow motion.

I hate this all to familiar feeling that always occurs after the death of someone I love. This too will go away, replaced with a myriad of other feelings & thoughts that accompany grief. Even though I don't particularly like slow motion, I am thankful for it.

It has not hit me that she is gone, but I know it will. Probably in an oridinary moment or several of them. Whenever it may be, I know that the raw intense emotion will expose me. And I don't even care.

I will continue on - trying not to isolate, pull away & withdraw. Writing when I can, as often as I see the need - returning to the theraputic outlet that has served me greatly in the past.

For now, I know the world around me continues on. My world slower than the rest & the numbness egulfing me, as I wait for reaility to hit - praying that when it does, it will be gentle.

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!