Tears & Laughter

Last week, on my birthday, Stacey did a post on her blog on how we met & become best friends. So, I thought I would share it with you here.

It's never ceases to amaze me how she can always seem to make me cry & laugh in the same post. She does that often. I'm just grateful that I can call such an amazing person, my friend.

There's A First Time For Everything

I guest blogged last week for one of my favorite people in the world. Hop on over to Musing of a Mommie to hear what I had to say... Errr... In this case, say again.

July 23, 2010

Today, is my 34th birthday... I really wish I had time to post the post I've been working on & do a post as I want to today, but as always, life has other plans.

My best friend Stacey wrote this about me today on her blog. It made me laugh, & cry, & then I was frustrated bc it would not let me leave a comment. {:( I love her very much & am so lucky to have her in my life.

Grab someone you love & care about & tell them how much they mean to you. Me? I'm very blessed & I hope you feel blessed today too.

His Hands

I stumbled upon this blog today. I had never visited it before. I stayed around & read some. Although I do not know her, Michaela & I have a lot in common.

I found this video she posted & it spoke to me. You know, sometimes something just comes a long at the right time...

Your Hands

By: JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble

I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That You would take my pain away

That You would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right

Yeah, one day You will set all things right.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands.

Your hands -

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave You when.

When my world is shaking Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave...

I never leave Your hands.

This Is The Truth

If everything goes alright, when this post goes live, I will be on my way to get my broken wheelchair fixed, so I really won't have time to write a post like I want.

As luck would have it, I don't have to bc I was reading one of the blogs I follow called, When Hello Means Goodbye. If you have never had a chance to get to know Kate & her story, I would encourage you to stop by her blog.

I will be forever grateful to her for posting this video yesterday. And it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. It literally blew me away. And for those who know me well, that is really difficult to do...

Not Me Monday: Disconnected & Discontent

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been been six months, since I've written my last Not Me Monday entry. And ironically I did not write about my dad being in the hospital then too. I'm also not writing this at a little after midnight on Monday morning, bc I never have trouble sleeping & never have a lot on my mind. No, Not Me!

We did not have over 26" of snow here & something called Thundersnow, which I've never heard of before, let alone never saw before Saturday morning. Our street is not still covered in over two feet of snow, which prevents anyone from leaving the house -unless they leave by foot. My Father-In-Law (FIL) did not do just that & go to High's to get essential things like milk, eggs & chocolate, only to discover that our streets is one of the only ones not plowed yet. Then, I did not listen as mom told that they are telling people that it may be another 24+ hrs until the side streets are plowed. No, Not Me!

I'm not frustrated that Jake may not be able to go to work tomorrow bc of the street not being plowed. I'm not aware that my wheelchair that's been broke for months finally has all the parts in & is ready to be fixed, but I cannot get anywhere with the combination of snow & a broken wheel. No, Not Me!

I do not wish my dad was not in the hospital, even though I know that a hospital is where he needs to be right at the moment & if he needed to be anywhere that I could not get to him - I would want him to be there. I am not worried that I still can't get to him bc I'm trapped in my house. I am not also worried how he is going to get home when he gets discharged, since we cannot get anywhere at the moment & my brother was in a bad accident Friday. No, Not Me!

I am not aware that this week is six years exactly that Jake & became members of our church that we so dearly love. I was not disappointed that snow kept church from happening this week. I did not think all the time of my friend Beth who is a key person in making sure that the blizzard that fell on us is taken care of on the church property. No, Not Me!

I am not secretly relieved that my Theophostic Prayer Ministry (TPM) training class got cancelled this week due to the snow. I do not feel this way bc I'm tired of the classes that I love very much, but rather bc I had such a personal revealing, & difficult ministry session last Tuesday that I'm still trying to process & think through. I know - without a doubt that the session was beneficial to me, & I am very thankful for it, but I do not have the desire to face certain people before I think things through some more & get things right in my head. No, Not Me!

I do not sometimes wish that I had a friend who I could have an open & honest conversation with about my faith, & my walk as a Christian & this journey I have found myself on, without feeling like I'm being judged or infringing on his or her time. No, not me!

I am not feeling that bc of thoughts & feelings I'm going through right now that I'm withdrawing or being disconnected to friends & people around me. I do not have a strong desire to connect with others, even if those others are strangers friends I have not met yet out in Blogland. So, I do not dare you to leave a comment telling me that you stopped by & share your thoughts. Or better yet, give a follow & stay awhile, so I can get to know you too! No, Not Me!

Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Hide & Seek

Recently, I read this post from MckMama's blog & I've been pondering somethings... Actually, I've been thinking about the same things she talks about in her post well before I had read it. It's a good read, with some really good points, so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. But only if you wish to do so. {:)

Living boldly is hard. Blogging boldly is even more difficult. Or is it the other way around? Some days I think it's both, or one over the other depending on the day. No matter how honest I am or how much I try to be authentic, sometimes I still find myself editing when I don't mean to or just automatically, which ever the case may be.

There are lots of times lately, say in the past year or so, that I find myself in a place that I do not ever wish I was in & I was (am) out of my comfort zone; however, I have grown from those places & learned from those places. Does it make it all worth it? Maybe, but at the time I'm in those places, I don't want to think of that.

Although, I must say, that since I started this blog, I do try to write from my heart as often as I can - with a bold honesty that, yes, sometimes takes me out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to pretend that I have it all together when I don't. That Jake & I aren't struggling when we are. That I am not upset or angry when I am, in fact, pissed. Who am I fooling? Certainly not myself. Certainly not God.

Being honest now, I must say that right this very moment - for days now, I have been pissed. That I'm not only just mad, but I'm pissed at God. Why? Well, for right now, that's going to have to stay between me & Him. Maybe there will come a time when I will share - maybe that time will never come.

This is nothing new. It has happened before. Many, many times. What is different now? Now, I am closer to God then I have ever been & my relationship with Him has never, ever been so real.

So real, in fact that it is hard to ignore Him & even more difficult to push him away. It's as if He is saying, "I'm here. Right here and I am not going anywhere, regardless if you are mad or not. Push all you want. I'll still be here." In fact, I know that's what He is saying.

So great - just great - I'm pissed & I have to deal with it too? Talk about living boldly. Now that's being honest. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to admit that I'm mad at God right at this moment, when I have done so in the past & I've not only done so, but I have done so rather loudly.

Maybe it's bc even when I'm mad, He continues to change me, give me gifts, & bless me in many ways. Or maybe it's bc of this journey I am on & that I am closer now then I have ever been. This time it's much more personal. This time, He is harder to ignore, harder to run from, harder to hide from... That no matter just how much I do run, the truth remains that I simply cannot hide.

I never could. Bc no matter where I try to hide, He is always seeking me.

Happy 1st Birthday, Beautiful Blue Eyed Boy!

It's New Year's Eve, but more importantly to me, someone very special turns one today.

His name is Christian Soren. And the first time I laid eyes on him when he was only a day old, I fell in love. Can you tell?

His mom Stacey & I have been friends since high school. She was one of my best friends. In fact, she still is. There are times when I truly would be lost without her. I don't have any sisters, but I as far as I am concerned, she is part of my family.

Remember when I wrote this? Well, Stacey is one of those people who helped me fight against the darkness. I would not be who I am today, if she were not the friend she was back then.

Yes, there were others who helped too, but not like her. She was & is very different. One of her best assets is her ability to make others laugh, especially me. And back then, there wasn't much to smile about - much less laugh, but she always found a way. Not to mention, she has this uncanny no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is attitude, & I love that about her.

It brings me nothing but joy to share in her happiness to be a mother.

Some people who don't have children, but want them badly (like me), don't care to be happy for others who have what they desire. I am not that way. I just can't be. How can I not be happy for her? She would be happy for me, if the situation were reverse. As for her being a mother, just like she is a friend, she is a fantastic mother.

In fact, she waited, wanted, desired & prayed to be a mother for more than seven years, probably longer. And then, when she & her husband, Kevin, least expected it, along came Christian. In fact, Christian is due to have a sibling in March of 2010! How exciting! If you would like to know more about Stacey & her wonderful family, you can do so on her blog.

Now, back to the Birthday Boy... He the bluest eyes I think that I have ever seen. And trust me, I've seen some eyes!

His gaze is as intense as his eyes. It's as if he can see right through you to your soul. His smile can warm the coldest of nights & make the darkest of days bright. His laugh is infectious.

Never in my life have I seen cheeks like these or a dimple like this:
They just beg to be kissed, don't you agree?

So, Happy Birthday, Little Blue Eyed Dimpled Darling. May you continue to grow, be healthy & happy while bringing joy & laughter into every one's life that you touch. You are very loved & will grow up passing that love on in ways yet unknown. I just know you are destined to do great things!

New Look, Fresh Start

As some of you have noticed, my blog is sporting a new look. I thought it was time to get a re-do, to reflect a little touch of me, be a little more personal, & in a sense, mirror the changes that are not only occurring in my life, but within with me.

I searched forever, or what seemed like forever, for the a blog designer that seemed to be a fit for me, researched, contacted, & questioned several people, none of which seemed right for me. Except one.

I chose Jennisa from Once Upon a Blog Design Shoppe, & I couldn't be more elated with the result! She was very easy to talk to, patient & extremely accommodating. I knew nothing about what I wanted or didn't want, but she knew what questions to ask & how to turn my answers into something so beautiful that truly reflected me. Without question, I will return to her with all of my future designing needs. So, if you are looking for a blog makeover, make sure you stop by & give her a look.

Oh, and I must mention, she is so talented & a true joy to work with that she was on the news just yesterday. If you would like to see the piece that her local news ran, you can view it here.

It's funny how things wind up with perfect timing. How things that seem to be totally unrelated end up being connected in some way. There's nothing like getting a new look & fresh start both on the inside & out.

Big Changes!

This post is a bunch of mix & match thoughts. A little of everything!

Remember Stellan? Well, he finally went to Boston for that ablation. And I'm overjoyed to report, that it went GREAT. Read about it here. He & his family could still use prayers during his recovery. Again, I am in awe at what God can do.

In other news, this blog is going to be going through changes of its own. I am super excited & can't wait to see what's in store. You'll just have to wait & see with me. {:)

Also, for the last couple of days, I've been rethinking somethings. To be honest, I'm not done thinking things through. There have been some big changes in my life & the way I see things, which I will share in the coming days.

Tonight, I'm going to Mandy's house to have dinner with her mom. I'm super excited to get to see Momma Dawne, but it's bitter sweet - oh how I wish I was seeing Mandy too. I just miss her so much!

Jake has been working SO HARD, with long hours it is crazy. Then, on top of that, he has been working over mom's to help out, & helping with Dad & stuff. It's difficult to find time to spend together. I'm so proud of him though. He really does love his job & is a very hard worker.

The weather here is crazy & ever changing. It's been beautiful weather the past couple of days, but cold at times. Coupled with the fact that thanks to daylight savings time, it gets dark SO early - you got a picture of Maryland weather. Changes in the weather are always crazy for me as it makes me have to mange my pain better. However, the beautiful colors in the leaves make up for it all.

Enough randomness for now. What's changes are you facing? Do tell, I'm listening.

Another Award: How Fabulous!

I received another award! How awesome is that? It is nice to see that my blogging is being shared with people other than I know personally. And It's nice to know that those who follow me, read what I write & truly care. I would continue to write even if no one read my blog though. However, everyone who has a blog should have a following bc it just makes things more exciting, I suppose.

Anyway, Debby from Just Breathe gave me this award (Much Thanks!) and the conditions of the award is that I name 5 obsessions of mine & pass the award onto 5 people. So here it goes:

1. My camera & taking photos. I wasn't always good at taking photos, but I learned from my mistakes & improved on it. I currently feel naked though - my camera got mysteriously broken a couple of days ago so, I don't have one right at the moment. It's secretly driving me crazy!

2. My Nieces & Nephews. I love them. So very much. Really. They are my world. It started back when Christopher was born, 16 years ago. Then Devann came 3 years later. Now, I have more nieces & nephews than I can count! {:) One thing is for sure though, I don't know what I would do without them. And I can honestly say, they have saved my life many times throughout the years.

3. My Pets. I have a zoo. Remember? I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites (or is that just with kids?), but I love Pee Wee. He's playful, compassionate, a good cuddler, does lots of tricks -including take off my socks, & loves me unconditionally. No matter what.

4. Bottles. As in water bottles, drink bottles whatever. I love them, have too many of them; although ever since I moved on with Jake, I can't ever seem to find them. I am always thirsty & always have a bottle with water in it with me. It's just how I roll. {:) Literally (a little bit of wheelchair humor).

5. Stores. Not buying stuff, just looking around in them. Especially places like Rite Aid or grocery stores. I could spend hours in them. I think it comes from spending a lot of time in the car as a kid waiting while mom ran into places.

Now, for the 5 6 people to pass this award:

Em @ Glorify Him Withe Every Breath,Kate @ Called Out One,CC @ His Heart, Amy @ Inside Amy's World, Tarah @ Eyeglasses & Endzones, & Ellen @ To The Max.

Not Me Monday: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been forever (or it seems that way) since my last post. I have not been busy focusing on family. No, Not Me!

Friday morning, my dad did did not call 911, get rushed to the hospital with a rapid heart rate and extreme difficulty breathing. Which resulted in Jake & me rushing to Dad's local hospital. No, Not Me!

After several doses of medicine to slow his 145+ (at rest) heartbeat failed & wondering why his pacemaker/defibrillator was not shocking him back into normal sinus rhythm, the doctors did not decide to Life Flight him to another hospital. And I didn't take pictures of it bc I thought when he was feeling better, Dad might like to see them. No, Not Me!

When we arrived at the second hospital, we were not told that the doctors shocked my dad's heart back to normal rhythm & that he would need a procedure called an ablation so that this pesky rhythm that baffles the pacemaker into not firing (or it's firing has no effects on) does not occur again. No, Not Dad!

Dad did not also have a bunch of other breathing issues like COPD (for one) & an infection on top of everything else, which has not been getting better day by day. And he was not in (& still is) in heart failure. No, Not Dad!

They did not almost release him today, without an ablation & say he could go home (much to our family's dismay). So, that Jake could call out of work yet again, so that he could take him home - only to find that they are going to keep him & do the procedure in a couple of days (Praise Him). No, Not them!

I have not stayed grounded with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I have not done remarkably well through this whole ordeal (so I've been told) - keeping the faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to be according to His Plan. No, Not Me!

Oh, and I'm not asking for you to please send up a prayer on Dad's behalf, if you are so inclined to do so. No, Not Me!

The Void

I thought about doing a wordless Wednesday today then decided not to. There will other Wordless days I'm sure. There are are just days when words just need not to be - well, wordless.

We don't have kids yet. Only pets. Lots of them. A dog, a parrot, several hermit crabs, multiple freshwater fish & even a beta fish. And those are just ours. Jake's dad, whom we live with, has is own dog, a a parakeet that gets neglected & even a goldfish that belong to my nephews who live across the ally.

Something has been bothering me. A lot. I have been reading a bunch of other people's blogs following some, passing by others. The thing that is irking me is that I am really lost sometimes at what to post a picture of and what not to. I don't know how I feel about publishing pictures of other people's children (OPC) like my nieces or nephews for example.

And yes, I know that I posted pictures of Lisa, but I did that bc of the circumstances. In my eyes, prayer is always an exception. It's almost as if I don't have the right. I am not there parent. I'm their aunt. They are not mine. I am always, it seems like that anyway, reminding myself that. And I have plenty of pictures of them. Trust me. I live with my camera.

So, I must confess I don't want to post all kinds of picture of my pets. I would love to post pictures of children. My children. And so it irks me yes. It irks me that I only have pets. No children yet. Don't get me wrong. I love Pee Wee, I love Jesse & all my other pets.

They are like my childen, expecially Pee Wee. With that being said, I've learned that pets can't take the place of the need to nurture. They fill a void, yes, but the desire & longing for a child nothing can replace that. Nothing. Trust me, I've tried.

Not Me Monday: Reflecting

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has NOT been forever since my last "Not Me" post. Unless you count this. No, Not Me!

I have not been neglecting things in my life, or at least felt that way this week. I do not wish I could be cloned sometimes so that things get done. I have not let calls go unanswered from certain (nameless) people, hoping & praying that whatever they needed would wait. And most certainly did not feel guilty about it. No, Not Me!

I do not think at times that I should be a better daughter, wife, sister, aunt & friend, even when I feel that there just is no more for me to give. Bc I've given all of me. Even more of me than I truly could not give, bc there is just none left. No, Not Me!

I do not still think of Mandy, everyday, every night, sometimes over & over, still disbelieving that she is truly gone. Even though I was there. I saw it. With my own eyes. I do not think that the silence of her voice, not hearing her stories is - well, deafing. No, Not Me.

I do not have doubts, & fears about the future. Regrets about the past. And sometimes wish I could have a re-do - take 2, even though what ever I have been though has made me who I am. No, Not me!

I am not human, after all. No, Not Me!

Blog Hop: More About Me

So I was reading this blog, which I love & today Lynnentte suggested a "getting to know you a blog hop," so even though I did this entry only a short bit ago, I decided to do another one, and just hop along.

1. My mom & I haven't always got along, to say the least; however, I have ALWAYS loved her regardless, which is hard for people to understand. Now that I don't live at home, we have a better relationship. Here's a picture taken of us years ago. It is one of her favorites & I love it too.

November 1, 2001

2. I'm my mom's only child, but not my dad's. Both my brothers are older than me, 10 & 8 years to be exact. As a kid, Idolized them. As an adult, I see them as who they are.

3. I am a photo fanatic & pretty much carry a camera with me everywhere. Seriously. I've even figured out how to safely attach my camera to my wheelchair.

4. I am a scrapbooker. I love doing projects all the time. However, I never seem to complete projects for myself, only for others. Hmmm, I never realized that before. I'll have to psychoanalyze that later.

5. I truly miss walking. Especially when that walking allowed me to go into any one's house & be a part of family and friend's functions more.

6. I'm a person, who will give people the benefit of the doubt a little too often.

7. I always try to see the good in people, even when they don't deserve it.

8. I am good at reading people. Sometimes too good.

9. I'm far from perfect. I make lots of mistakes. Sometimes there are things I wish I never did or never happened; however, there is a reason for everything & if things didn't happen the way they did - I would not be who I am today.

10. I have learned that sometimes when you wish for things & get your wish (or not), sometimes that isn't a good thing, but that has never stopped be from wishing. The same can be said about praying.

Update: Stellan

I am over joyed to say that Stellan got released from the hospital yesterday. As the Lord would have it, he never went to Boston. It has been a long road, for MckMama & her family with lots of prayers a long the way. Stellan in SVT free, on a new drug plan that is actually working for him & they figured some things out along the way, such as Stellan metabolizes drugs differently than other little boys.

I think this entry will tell you some of where this journey has taken Stellan's family... And it's one of my favorite entries. This is also a great (& truthful) entry. All this is to say - beyond a doubt - that prayer works, & God can do not only good things but Great things. Just take a look:

From this:

To this:

Yes, He is Great, indeed.

Not Me Monday: Praying for Stellan

This was supposed to be another Not Me! Monday post; however it is now:

It seems so fitting since Stellan & his charming family need our prayers, and his mom is the one who started Not Me Monday to begin with. I've been following Mckmama's updates on her blog, but the better way to get updated with the latest news is to follow her on twitter, which of course I'm doing.

My heart just breaks for Stellan. From what I can gather he is in heart failure and his kidney's are failing as well. But there is hope. There has to be. They are making plans to air lift him to Boston. I do not know what they are going to do with him there but, logic tells me they would not have moving him as a option if there was not some POSITIVE reason to do so.

I pray that Stellan's heart finds a normal beat again. I pray that Mckmama and the family get the answers, comfort, rest, & whatever else they need at this moment. I pray that the doctors & nurses have the wisdom to find the treatments and solutions they need to get Stellan and his family through this.

I also pray that those same people believe in prayer and miracles too, bc I know I believe.

Praying for Stellan

This sweet little boy is named Stellan. His I read his mom's blog, which you can find here. I do not know MckMama personally, but have come to care about her and her family, especially Stellan in the past couple of months, through the words she she shares with thousands of us. If you have not read her blog, I encourage you to do so. She has many talents (photography to name one - just look at that beautiful picture she took) & her gift for writing is another one of many.

All the talent she has, whatever gifts she possesses she still cannot heal Stellan. No one on earth can. Stellen has a heart condition called SVT. McMama can do a much better job at explaining Stellan & his medical condition than I can.

Right now, he is at the family's local hospital & in the PICU. Things are not looking good. They cannot get his heart at a normal level & his heartbeat has been pretty much at high levels (at one point I know it was at 224 per minute) for the last couple of days and the doctors seem out of options, for the night at least. Everything they have thrown at this little boy has failed - medicine, procedure, ect. I know for a fact, that his BP was 57/32 & they may have to vent him.

I'm asking that you pray for this sweet little boy & his wonderful family. I do not know what God has planned for Stellan, but I know he has touched the lives of thousands already. And I also know that with God, all things are possible.

Honest Scrap Award

Today, I became aware that I received this award On July 21, from Marcelle at Making Babies. How cool is that? My first award! Keeping with the requirements to receiving the award. Here are 10 things most people do not about me:

1. I want to be a mom, more than most can imagine.

2. I hate it when I can't get stuff from the kitchen frig or anywhere else for that matter. I think BOTH Jake & his dad should have to spend a solid week in a wheelchair. Then, maybe things would change around here and actually STAY changed (not just for a week or two).

3. I have no tattoos. But I've seriously considered getting one since Mandy has passed.

4. I think about people, friends and family, that I loss touch with or who are not as present in my life (or me in theirs), for whatever reason, everyday. Sometimes, several times a day.

5. I love my church. We travel about an hour (one way) to it every Sunday. I love the people, and I love the community. They are very open, excepting, contemporary, and accessible - in more ways than the physical sense of the word. We have looked at several churches to try to find one closer, without luck. Not bc we want to leave our church, but it would be nice to have one closer so I can get to it when Jake cannot take me. Like when he had that other position at work for a year and was required to work on Sundays.

6. I have many issues with certain things (like trust), but I will tell you what they are and fully admit and acknowledged them.

7. I am a very private person, especially lately. People confuse me being outgoing with being open. Their are many things my best friends don't even know. Even some that no one knows.

8. I will talk about or share my past with just about anyone, if there is a reason to do so. Even if it makes me uncomfortable. I truly believe you have to share your story in order to respect it.

9. I often get annoyed at people. And please note, this is NOT to anyone specific, but EVERYONE. So, if you just happen to be reading this and think is about you, you are WRONG. It is not. Everyone, means everyone. My biggest annoyance is if you want me to know something, tell me. I gave up my mind reading skills a long time ago. Many people rely on many things to communicate things. Be direct. Do not rely on text, or e-mail or other people to tell me things, especially if I don't respond back. Call me (I secretly hate e-mail). BE DIRECT. In addition, there are many who get mad when I don't respond to whatever or however they want. I'm sorry. I cannot be who you want me to be. I can only be me.

10. I wish people would stop asking me, hinting at, referring to me having a baby, putting pressure on me, ect.. about having a child or trying to have a child. God has the ultimate plan, and if it is meant to happen it will - in HIS time, not mine or anyone else's for that matter. Frustrating, I know. But very true.

I am passing this award to 2 people: Stacey at Musings of A Passionate Mind. Who hasn't blogged in forever, but is always honest when she does. And El at Profoundly Seth. Who shares not only the good parts in life, but the not-so-good parts also, with a difficult honesty that I secretly admire.