Joy Restored

Joy [joi]
noun

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

*Source: Dictionary.com

It happened shortly after the new year began.  I was given a unexpected gift.  Something beautiful.

God has restored my joy.

After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it -  joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.

People say I'm glowing.  They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.

Me, 2.1.2013

This is not happiness.  This is joy.  Pure joy.

It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it.  And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation.  This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.

Little has changed with my life.  We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul. 

Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.

Stream of Consciousness: Still Praying

I'm thrilled to be blogging (on a regular basis) again.  I wonder what it will take to get to the point where I am blogging boldly again.

Jake is out of work again.  I know, on here, he never was employed after his layoff last August, but he was... I just never spoke about it publicly.  He had the most amazing job, which he loved.  Still praying that they find away to keep him.  He was in his sweet spot & I loved watching his passion emerge & for him to do what he was created to do. Still praying that something will come through. What?  I do not know.

There are a lot of things that I never speak about on here that I wish I could put words to... I just want the freedom to speak them out loud.  They are not secrets really, but they feel like they are. They are just things that I prefer not to share with everyone.

I have friends that are going through stuff.  I am worried about them.  I don't know the best way to help them, so I pray.  I'm praying a lot lately.  Grateful to have words to my prayers now.  I am glad I have friends that are there for me, even when I retreat. Or try to anyway.  Secretly, I wonder if I will ever be the same again.  

People ask, how can I still praise Him?  I don't know what to tell them, but the truth as I know it - how can I not praise Him? Especially in the storm?  And yes - we are in a storm.  One hell of a storm.   Still trying to trust Him fully.

I breathe deep & wonder when will our turn come?  I feel like it has been non-stop.  Ashamed to admit my faith has been shaken a time or two.  Have we not been faithful?  Does He not know my heart? When is enough just enough?

Still I pray.  I let my tears be my words when no words are to be found.  What else am I to do?  I have no clue.  So I do what I do when I don't know what to do.  In the middle of the storm - pray.

I pray. Still.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

For Promise

Spent the day just hanging around the the house, enjoying this BEAUTIFUL weather, & watching Jake tinker around with this & that.  And as always, as it seems to be now adays, reflecting on life.

Tomorrow, I head off to help with & attend one of my friend's co-ed bridal shower.  I am so excited for Rachel & Brian.  Nervous too. As the wedding rapidly approaches & time is disappearing, I have to wonder if it all will get done.

I ask the question, almost instantly, I know the answer. It will. It  always does. 

I am excited for them.  They are amazing people who are faith-believing, God-centered seekers of Him, who are full of hope & promise for the world, for life, for each other.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for them.

Reflecting always gets to me in a a sentimental way.  It seems it wasn't so long ago, Jake & I were that couple. And now, we blink & 7 years have gone by. So hard to believe.  Yet not.

I hear 7 years & I can't help & think that it was my parents at their 7th year were already separated & heading for divorce.  I am beyond grateful that I will not repeat their mistakes.  I wonder what promise they had for their life?

I slowly close my eyes, draw in deep, reflect & I give thanks.

For my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends. For love. And for Promise.

Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.

Forever Blessed

Sometime in the early morning, I will awake & know I'm only hours away from seeing her.  For the love of the good Lord above, I do not know how so much time has passed. Nine years or nearly that to be exact.

I am forever blessed bc Deanna has loved me for so many years.  Thinking back, she has loved me when I made it difficult to love me.  I think that of a lot of my friends whom I have known for so long, not just Dee.

Still. She loved me through the depression, through the tough stuff, through the unspeakable stuff, even when I pushed her away.  She assures me that our friendship was never one sided, but over the years, I have felt, & remembered back, that it was.  Or at least it felt that way.  To me, she has always given more to me than she has taken.  I feel blessed that she feels this is not true.

I will see her & meet two of her three precious kids, another visible reminder of truly how much time has passed.  And I can't wait.  Deep down, I wish - hope, really - that one day she will meet my kids too. God willing.

I am nervous, but I'm unsure why.  Maybe it's bc I am unable to hide from her. She can see right through me.  She always could.  And the truth is, I've been hiding a lot.  In the unwritten blog posts, from friends, still unable to speak abt certain things out loud.

I will be okay though. I know it.  I've had some set backs, but I've also had some breakthroughs. Thank God for breakthroughs... breakthroughs & friends who will stand with me through the tough stuff.

I am blessed.  Forever blessed.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Wordless Wednesday: Why I Love Him

Jake, Beachmont Christian Camp Cornmaze, 11.29.2011

Saying Sunday: Cheers To A New Year

"Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right."

 ~ Oprah Winfrey

Reflections of Christmas 2011

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on His shoulders.
And He will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ~ Isaiah 9:6 (NIV) 
Every once in a while, something will happen that is extraordinary, even among the ordinary moments.

This Christmas we were extraordinarily blessed. We were blessed in many ways, & many of those ways were not tangible. And sometimes, the greatest gifts in life cannot be held.

Meaning has not been lost on me that a tiny child was sent to earth so that I can be saved, & live forever.  Likewise, I realize that God, the same God who loves us enough to give us His one & only son, is a Loving Father, who has shown me His mercy & His grace in the simplest of ways.

There is something about where I am in life, that makes me want to see & appreciate the little simple things in life.  And deep down, I'm so very thankful for the smallest of things.

Whether it is a friend holding my hand through a grief service, or another amazingly dear friend doing the same during a Christmas Eve service. Sometimes, when things are difficult, all I really want - all I really need - is a loving hand to hold, bc sometimes it is all anyone can do.

I am still searching for normal. Unsure if I will ever find it again.  And bc I have no other choice, that will have to be okay.  I have to create my normal again, whatever that may look like.  It is up to me.

I am blessed that I have friends & family who love me,  who love & care for not only me but us. I am lucky that I have a husband who loves me.  And would literally do anything for me. Do you know what a blessing that is?




Me & Jake, Very Early Christmas Morning, 2011

This Christmas, I tried to stay focus on the little things, so it wouldn't make the big things, or the people I'm missing, or the one's for whom I am grieving, hurt so much. I've tried hard to honor where I am. To feel what I need to feel, rather than to deny it.

And I am glad to apreciate the smallest of things, noticing the extrordinary, amoung the ordinary.

Fall Into Place

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point. 

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late.  That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together.  They are & they're not.  Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not.  This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas.  Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again.  And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore.  I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad.  I miss other people, & "other things."  Secretly, I wonder if  there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are.  I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart.  I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place.  Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time.  That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through. 

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends.  Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked... 

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully.  As life & time ticks on.  I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith. 

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see.  Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

It's Been Awhile

It's been months since I have written & I know it. The truth is within those months of absence, I have written hundreds of entries in my head. They just never made it here.

Sometimes, I wish they did.

Life has been tough. A lot of stuff going on... mostly emotional stuff that is taking it's toll on me. I won't bore you with details. Partly, bc it has just been so much & to try to write about it all at once is well, slightly overwhelming. And mostly bc I don't want this blog to be a downer for either you or me. Okay, so it might mostly be for my benefit. But still.

I never wanted this blog to be all about losing Mandy or losing Dad, but it seems that in large part that what it had become. Especially, Dad. This last year has been so difficult. It's like I lost not only him, but myself too. In a lot of ways, even now a year later, I'm trying to reclaim parts of me that don't seem to be connected.

As for Jake & I, we are doing well, despite the fact that he lost his job a few weeks ago. He was laid off along with many other people. I just hope & pray that his job search yields some results soon.

I miss a lot of my friends. Mostly, I just miss them being around. Or me being around them. Either way - schedules don't ever seem to line up & weeks go by & those weeks turn into months & so on. Life always seems to get in the way of the really important stuff. The stuff that doesn't cost money, but it cost time.

There never seems to be enough time. I hope, along with other things, that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to remember that in the darkest of times there still remains light.

Losing It

Losing what? I am not sure. I am not sure of much anymore.

For days I've stayed to myself... Painfully pulled away. Well, truth be told - It wasn't so much pulling away as me just stopping reaching out.

What is the point? Especially if others don't reach back or are insanely busy. I am starting to feel like a bother.

For days, I've been in a dark place - dark & difficult. I'm not depressed, I'm grieving. I know the difference, having been in both places many times, for different lengths of time.

Most don't get it. They still have their parents. Even Jake who lost his mom 10 years ago struggles to get it at times. He wants to fix this. He can't. I feel bad for him. Isn't that ironic?

I want to strangle the person who says time heals. Time doesn't heal a damn thing, it just continues on. Continues on despite everything.

I try to keep my faith - keep it close to me. I know God is carrying me bc I am exhausted & just can't do this anymore.

I have lost it. Lost myself. Feel like I have lost everything & including who I am. I will never be the same... I just am struggling. Struggling to find my new normal.

Thoughts that are dark dance in my head. I try not to entertain them, not for long... no good can come of it.

So for now, I will try to sleep. To get rest from it all. And I will pray that in the morning, light will shine through the darkness... at least for a little while.

Stream of Consciousness: In the Midst

I want to run. Hide. Get away from it all.

Right now, there is so much great stuff going on, but so much not great stuff going on too. There is a huge pressure on me right now. I can't breathe or stand it another second.

I can feel myself pulling away & somehow, even though I don't want to & know I shouldn't, it feels like that is my only solution. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to trust you. Or anyone for that matter.

I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being hurt. Tired of things not working out. Tired of having to take & put up with other people's crap. And it's all crap. I must have a sign on me that says "Dump on me!" Don't you see it? It's there, it's got to be.

I want you to care. Why is it, that I feel so alone? I try to tell you how I feel & you yell at me. You are supposed to be my safe place to fall. I don't even think I know what it feels like to have one, really.

I should be used to this, right? You think after everything I would be. Wrong. You are oh-so-wrong. My dad is sick. My mom is sick. My Aunt is sick. I am sick.

All I want is to get away for two days. Get my head clear. Gain a little perspective. It should be easy, right? Wrong again. So very difficult to do if you have this wheelchair connected to you 24/7. No one gets it. Not even you.

So, I'll run. Till I find what I'm looking for & even I don't know what that is or where to look . I just know it's not here. In the midst of it all.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM (Part 2)

How ironic it is that I am writing this post at about the same time that I wrote the first one - completely unplanned - I assure you.

So, as luck would have it (or maybe it wasn't luck after all), I really like my new doctor. She is very nice, understanding & patient, all things I was concerned about. And she is super supportive of me TTC, or doing whatever I feel comfortable with at the given time. In others words, what I want to do is up to me.

There are a few medical concerns though, but nothing that has to do with my Cerebral Palsy. And though I choose not to go into specifics at this time as to what they are, lets just say they are things that I'm not only aware of, but concerned with too. And there is no reason that as long as these concerns are managed, I wouldn't have a completely healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

However, she did mention my weight & suggested that I may consider gastric bypass considering my medical history & my lack of mobility. She made sure to tell me she's not a fan of suggesting it to her patients at all either.

I'm not quite sure what I think about her saying that in general, but it was clear it was only said as something to consider for the future & that it was not said out of any other context but a caring concern. I'm so not a fan of that either & I would never even consider that at all. So there is differences in opinion there.

She also gave me a referral to preconceptual counseling again, since it has been many years that I went for the same thing before, but she made sure to let me know that it was completely up to me if I wanted to go again.

I was glad given the circumstances of the day: new doctor, lots of pain due to the rain, nerves, & a cold room (which doesn't do well for my CP, as it causes me to be more spastic & have less of a range of motion), my appointment went as well as it did.

Reflecting on the visit I was pleased that it went the way it did, knowing that it could have went many other ways. Who wouldn't love a doctor whose patient, explains things, answers questions, & last advice for us in TTC is "Have fun trying."

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.

Happy 9th Birthday, Kevin!

Kevin, 6.28.2003

Dear Kevin,

This is one of the first pictures I took of you, just the night before you turned 3. I cannot believe you are nine today. You are growing up right in front of my eyes.

Gone are the days when you run to me & ask me to put Neeeemoo" in the DVD player. Now, you are all about Pop Pop's computer & any shooting game you can find. The one thing I love though is what a great athlete you are becoming. I love to watch you in Little League, although I didn't get to do much of it this season bc Uncle Jake was helping coach Jason's T-Ball team.

You are very smart. Too smart for your own good sometimes. You are quick-witted & always want to learn new things. You are extremely competitive & always looking for a challenge, especially if it means showing up your brother. {:)

You love Lisa & always making sure she doesn't do something that she shouldn't or that would get her hurt. Secretly, I am hoping that when she starts dating, you will be the same protective big brother you are now.

I love seeing you grow up, but I can't believe how much time has passed. I fell in love with your blue eyes 7 years ago, & I'm still in love with them, although they aren't as blue anymore. They are a brilliant gray now, but also seem to have flecks of other colors that get highlighted depending on what you where. They are just stunning & I can't help but be captivated by them still.

Kevin, 6.29.2010

I want you to know that I love you, Kevin, & always will. You will always hold a special place within my heart.

Love Always,

Aunt