Love & Light

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

Reflections of Christmas 2011

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on His shoulders.
And He will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ~ Isaiah 9:6 (NIV) 
Every once in a while, something will happen that is extraordinary, even among the ordinary moments.

This Christmas we were extraordinarily blessed. We were blessed in many ways, & many of those ways were not tangible. And sometimes, the greatest gifts in life cannot be held.

Meaning has not been lost on me that a tiny child was sent to earth so that I can be saved, & live forever.  Likewise, I realize that God, the same God who loves us enough to give us His one & only son, is a Loving Father, who has shown me His mercy & His grace in the simplest of ways.

There is something about where I am in life, that makes me want to see & appreciate the little simple things in life.  And deep down, I'm so very thankful for the smallest of things.

Whether it is a friend holding my hand through a grief service, or another amazingly dear friend doing the same during a Christmas Eve service. Sometimes, when things are difficult, all I really want - all I really need - is a loving hand to hold, bc sometimes it is all anyone can do.

I am still searching for normal. Unsure if I will ever find it again.  And bc I have no other choice, that will have to be okay.  I have to create my normal again, whatever that may look like.  It is up to me.

I am blessed that I have friends & family who love me,  who love & care for not only me but us. I am lucky that I have a husband who loves me.  And would literally do anything for me. Do you know what a blessing that is?




Me & Jake, Very Early Christmas Morning, 2011

This Christmas, I tried to stay focus on the little things, so it wouldn't make the big things, or the people I'm missing, or the one's for whom I am grieving, hurt so much. I've tried hard to honor where I am. To feel what I need to feel, rather than to deny it.

And I am glad to apreciate the smallest of things, noticing the extrordinary, amoung the ordinary.

Happy Birthday, Jesus (2011)

In a moment of peaceful reflection last night, I heard this song for the first time. Given my season of life I am in, this song & it's meaning(s) & impact are not lost on me.  May we all feel the Breath of Heaven & be filled with an undeniable peace now & always.



Please have a very Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year.

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Saying Sundays: Easter 2011

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances."

~Robert Flatt

New Year's Faith

I'm still trying to understand the events of last year & work through many things the best that I can.

What do I want for the new year?

I want 2011 to be better than 2010.
I want to learn from from my past & appreciate it.
I want to live in the moment.
I want to love freely & deeply.
I want to not take anyone or anything for granted.
I want to be the person God intended for me to be.

I saw this on YouTube recently, & thought I would share.




Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you have a happy, healthy, life-embracing year & not take one single second for granted.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful!

Mom & Me, Easter Sunday 1985

Dear Mom,

I can't imagine what your eyes have seen, your hands have done & all the places your feet have led you in your 70 years of existence. When I try to imagine it, it is overwhelming. Oh, & by the way - if I ever live to see 70, I hope that I age as gracefully as you. You are so beautiful.

Mom, 6.6.2010

I know that we don't pick our parents, or our children for that matter, but I must tell you that I am glad that you are my mom. I know that may seem strange for me to say given our history, but it's the truth. No, we haven't always gotten along, seen eye to eye, been easy to live with, but we always loved one another, even if it was hard to tell at times.

You were the best mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it. I don't know if you have regrets about me or life in general, but I want to tell you that life is much fuller when you let go of those regrets.

You have taught me to be kind & loving to those I love. That by doing the little things that matter the most, people around me will know they are thought of more than they realize. You have taught me that education is important & no one take away my intelligence, no matter how much they may try.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that perseverance & determination are the paths that lead greatness, because no matter what you faced over the years, you kept moving foward & did what you needed to make sure I had everything I ever needed.

It's funny what I see now that I was blinded to before. I guess that's God's gift to us - that, as we get older, we see our life & the people in it differently. If nothing else, know this is the truth & always will be - I love you more than words can express & I am so blessed to call you my mom.

Love Always,

God Bless The USA

Happy Fouth of July, Everyone! Please have a fun & safe Holiday!

In Focus

The truth is this - there are reasons that I have been MIA. Lots of them.

Have you ever had moments were something hits you & everything makes sense? I've been taking time off from blogging to refocus. Yes, there had been times where I desperately needed to blog. Just let it all out, but I resisted.

Sure, I've wanted to write things, catch up with what's been going on. But the truth is, I so desperately needed to reconnect. Reaching out to those I love & having them reach back.

My days missing have been filled with family & friends. Spending time with them & truly connecting with one another, having quality time & making it count. If it's one thing I have learned through loss & grieving it's there is no second chances. This is it. Make it count.

We've been spending time with old friends...

Ansley & Me, 4.11.2010

Reconnecting with those we haven't seen in forever...

Me & Theresa, Mother's Day 2010

Making new friends...

My Friend, Lisa & Me, 4.30.2010

Helping coach Jason's T-Ball team...

Jake & Jason 5.1.2010

And hanging out on the field...

Jason & Me, 5.6.2010

Simply spending time with those whom we love...

Mom, Jake & Me, Mother's Day 2010

Bringing it all into focus - making it all crystal clear.

By His Grace

When I was at Beth's house for Easter, she asked me something that caught me off guard. Actually, she asked me two things that caught me off guard, but one question I've been thinking about more than the other. And the other will have to wait for another time & another post.

Catching me off guard is difficult to do. Every once in a while it happens though. It was innocent enough. Sitting on her couch talking about life. She was right - I've been through so much, more than most can imagine, more than she will ever truly know.

Her question? Simple. How can I have gone through so much & be like I am. The answer itself is just as simple. "By the grace of God go I." Without a pause, without nearly a second thought, those simple words said so much.

The truth is I've asked that same question myself, many, many times. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not on drugs. I'm not in a mental institution. I'm not laying in a bed somewhere curled up in a fetal position mindlessly rocking back & forth. I'm not dead, by neither my hand nor someone else's. Though given what I've been through, any one of those options would be understandable.

God's grace, His mercy & His love for me is the only answer that makes sense - not that it has to make sense at all. I was watching this show recently that airs on the USA Network called In Plain Sight. I would like to share a quote from a recent episode.

"We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love. People we don't. People caught in the middle. Even people who'd give anything if they would never, ever, get hurt again, but sometimes the hurt can't be avoided.

It's just coming at us & can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen. Or its lying next to us in the dark... waiting, but sometimes it doesn't come at all.

Sometimes we get this other thing that just flutters down out of nowhere that stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes, rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most & expect it the least, we get a break."

To me, that's what God's grace is... something that flutters down when I least expect it. God's mercy, on the other hand, gives me the much needed breaks in life, time & time again. I've been lucky enough that He has chosen to show me both His grace & His mercy countless of times, probably more often than I am even aware.

I am broken. Damaged. I don't deny it. I would be nothing without Him. Nothing. Without Him, I would, indeed, not be here. At the very least - if not dead - I would not be who I am. Every single event that has happened in my life - both good & bad - has made me who I am.

Not for a single second do I believe that God causes bad things to happen in my life. Or anyone else's for that matter. Although in confession, I have not always believed this. In years passed, I used to believe that if God was in control then He must have wanted {insert bad thing here} to happen. Which lead to destructive behavior & fueled years of anger. What I know now is so vastly different.

Two words: free will. It is our God given right to chose. God will not violate my will. And just as he will not violate my will, He won't violate the will of others either. This means that when bad things have happened to me that are caused by other people's actions, God didn't cause it. He didn't want this for me. He didn't allow it to happen bc I did something wrong & was being punished. It all comes back to free will - everyone's God given right.

I have also learned that God uses everything for His good. That everything in life is a blessing & a lesson - no matter if it is good or bad. I wrote about lessons & blessings what seems like forever ago, in this post last November. In short, bc of the lessons that I have learned & the ways God has blessed me through tragedy, I would not change a thing about my past.

Looking back, it is in these difficult times of struggle that I was not alone. If I had been, who knows what would happen. He was there. He made sure that I have had amazing people to support me. Some may say it bc I am strong. It's not. It is bc of His love for me & the mercy & grace He bestows upon me. So, yes, in deed, by the grace of God go I.

Wordless Wednesday: Little Lambs

{Easter at our church, 4.4.10}

The Beauty of Easter

Now that I've reached the point in time where my friend Mandy was hospitalized last year & passed away nearly a month later, I've just been taking it day by day. Some days are better than others.

I will not lie. I was not looking forward to this Easter. Not in the least. It is sad that I can not remember last Easter. I vaguely recall taking pictures of my brother-in-law's family in front of the magnolia tree in the front yard.

I don't even think we went to church. If we did I cannot remember. All that I can remember is thinking, "I hope this is not Mandy's last Easter. I hope I have more time with her. Please God, don't take away my best friend. Please don't take away another one." Weeks later she was gone. And a piece of my soul went with her.

Traditionally, mom & I have spent more Easters apart in the passing years than not. Mostly bc she has chosen to spend it with friends who don't have the greatest houses to get into with a power chair. Sometimes it really sucks to not be as mobile as I have been in the past.

As a result, the last couple of years we got to spend Easter with friends & their families. Creating moments & memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. They are priceless.

With Mandy being gone almost a year now, I've been feeling out of sorts, kind of lost. Not really sad as much as people would wrongly assume, but more just trying to work through my grief the best way I know how - by embracing it & taking one day at a time... like I said some days are better than others.

Easter rolled around this time & we really didn't have a place to go, which only mirrored how disconnected & displaced I have been feeling lately. When my friend, Beth, found out we didn't have plans, she invited us to to spend the day with her & her husband Will & their families.

{Me & Beth 3.7.2010}

I must tell about them. They are absolutely two of the most amazing people God allowed to cross my path or is it me who crossed their path? Either way...it is not hard to understand why they are who they are once you meet their families.

I still do not know what I have done to deserve such an friend that have found in Beth. Both her & Will are the most genuine, loving, passionate, real, down-to-earth, funny, creative, faith-rooted, God loving, hard working, caring & compassionate people you will ever have the privilege to meet... if you ever do.

{Will & Jake, 3.7.2010}

They have the most incredible property and beautiful house. All of which was made with love, hard work, blood, sweat & tears, since they bought their house in 2003 in "as is" condition intent on fixing up to sell it so that they can build their dream house on another lot within the 11 acre property. After awhile of putting so many hours in on the house, they decided to stay right there.

I assured Beth that even though her house was a split level & filled with many steps that somehow we would make it work, using the old phrase, "Where there is a will, there is a way."I came armed with a power chair, a manual chair, two ramps & even a set of quad canes. I assured her that everything would be fine & I was sure that God would would work everything out. And even though I had know idea how it was going to work, I knew it would.

Turns out, Easter day was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. After this incredibly moving, tear jerking open prayer to God, to which I did nothing but think of Mandy as big, humongous, tears ran down my cheeks spilling over & over again - much like they are now as I type this - we all ate outside. The food tasted great & Beth's thoughtfulness & creatively was all around us. Can't you tell by the Little Butter Lamb?

And as luck would have it - although I don't believe it was luck at all - my power chair just fit through her side door to her bottom level giving me access to it & a bathroom {:) Seriously. As the night wore on & the other company left, Beth & I chatted as we sat on the sofa as our men did dishes upstairs & chatted themselves. After Will went to bed, Jake came down stairs & eventually fell asleep, but Beth and I chatted on the sofa til 2 AM.

I must tell you - it has been quite a while, years even, since I felt so welcomed at someone's house. Throughout the day, I continually felt so unconditionally loved & supported, regardless of who I was, how I felt, or what I've been though.

Tears flow as I'm writing this... God is amazing. He makes sure we have what we need when we need it, just as He did when He made sure I was surrounded by the perfect people. I know, without a doubt, Mandy's in Heaven, no longer confined to a broken body with limitations. I miss her so much at times that I physically want to scream out in pain. But I know that bc she believed in Him, I will see her again. That is the beauty of sacrifice & Easter.

My Redeemer

Happy Easter to you & those you love. Hold your love ones near & cherish them. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? {:)

Stream of Consciousness: Forever Altered

It's late & I can't sleep. There has been so much on my mind, it's been difficult for me to sort out. Things have been great here. The weather is beautiful & Spring has sprung. Jake & I for the most part have been getting along. Gosh, I am so in love with him. Every time we kiss, I still lose my breath. Everyone should have love like that. Everyone.

I have been thinking about Mandy a lot. We have reached the point, as of March 30th, that she was admitted to the hospital. Remember this post? Yup. It's been a year already. And I know that the very next post I wrote after that one was written eight days after her death. If you would like to read it, you can do so here. If not, that's okay too. The whole month of April 2009 is MIA. Not one keystroke, not one uttered word - at least not on here.

I am forever changed, still unable to speak words for things I witnessed & even how I felt. It has been years - decades even since a friend's death has effected me like Mandy's has. I am not the same person I was then. No where near that person. I am forever altered.

My brother, Lea's, birthday is tomorrow. I have been going though my pictures on the computer looking for a specific one I want to post. I just can't go through anymore. It's too hard. I have thousands of pictures on my hard drive. And there are a lot of people who aren't in my life now - for whatever reason. So, I've decided to abandon my search for now. I'll still blog a post for him, but a picture may not accompany it. Oh, well... Life rolls on.

Speaking of life, my friend Janie, buried her mom last Monday. I didn't go to the funeral, but Jake & I did go to the later viewing, after attempting to go to the earlier one & then getting lost for a hour & a half. Not our best moments, for neither Jake or myself when that happens. We must work on that. Or at least I should. That's the best thing that came from us having a GPS - if lost or misdirected - it will put you on the right track. Too bad our GPS was stolen.

Anyway, this viewing for Janie's mom was incredible. Unlike any I have attended before. They took an hour or so of it & talked & shared about her mom. I have never seen that before, at least not at a viewing. Janie is so amazing. A genuine person who is doesn't know how to be anything but real. I can so appreciate that. I'm not sure if this is a new thing for her or she's always been that way. I just know that her sisters are just as amazing & that in itself tells you just what a person her mom was.

Easter is days away. I'm spending it with my friend Beth & her family. Years past, I've spent it with many loved ones, but I find it ironic that I feel so displaced this year. I have never been to Beth's house. And I have seen pictures of the steps. All I know is I don't know how, but I will make it work. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without Beth. She is what true friends are made of.

It is really late. And I'm tired. I hate post like these, but I do them often. I think it helps me sleep. At least blogging seems to allow me to settle after a bit. I just think tired post are so revealing. Without question, my guard is down... which may not be a bad thing after all.

Good night, sweet dreams.

Moments

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

Historically, I haven't been fond of this holiday. For starters, it was the day many, many years ago now that I picked to get married to my former fiance, Mark. As if I'm speaking a foreign language, it has always seemed strange to me to call him my former fiance & I must admit I have always struggled with what to call him exactly.

We never broke up. We just didn't call it a day & move on going our separate ways. We just didn't decide not to do it. One day, just an ordinary day like any other, Mark was killed by a drunk driver.

Perhaps it is the years gone me that has changed things, but I still view him as A Stepping Stone. A place that I was so meant to be at in the moment, but just wasn't meant to stay. At the time, I didn't see it that way, but I do now.

Again, God's timing & plan are perfect. Just perfect. He had other plans for me. Other purposes. Things just were not meant to happen they way I thought they were going to or how I thought they should be.

I must admit, it feels a little strange to say that pertaining to Mark. Almost as if it were to make who he was to me less important. Or the lessens I learned from him less valuable. I know this isn't true, but part of me feels as if it true. Let me say it again, I know this is not true, but sometimes, it feels true.

Sometimes it is difficult to wish life was different. How we wanted or planned vs. in reality what is. I can't do that though. I can't live in the past. I can't play the what if game.Doing that doesn't serve me (or anyone around me) well. I have learned that living in the past should not be done. Bc when you live in the past, you miss the present. You miss the moments. The moments that life is all about.

So, yesterday, was awesome. It was filled with ordinary, not so extraordinary moments. Being ever so thankful, not living in the past, praising & being in awe of it all moments. Spending time with the one I was meant to be with. Reflecting on the past, but living in the present. Taking not one single circumstance or second for granted.

Enough Questions

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

I wonder that all the time. Am I doing enough as a wife? Am I doing enough as a daughter? Or a sister? Or friend? Often times I wonder if I'm doing enough as a Christian. I must confess that what ever the version of the question is the core remains the same. Am I really doing enough?

Having lost so much in life has given me a unique outlook. I am in no way naive or in anyway sheltered. I am a person who feels deeply & thinks (& rethinks) often. Although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, I often find myself wondering if I were gone tomorrow would this be enough? Would my life matter? What would my legacy be?

Jacob & I have been married for 4 years & 8 months exactly today... Sometimes, I am tortured by the fact that we don't have children yet. It bothers me. And I know that it bothers Jacob. I know that things will happen in time, to be more specific God's time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less or the aching subside.

As much as I love the people in my life who have their own children & am so very grateful that they allow me to love their children as if they are my own, there is always a reminder that I am still childless. At the end of the day, they get the the kisses, the snuggles, the tucking in for the night's sleep (hopefully), ect...

Most of the time I don't let it bother me. I tend to look on the positive side rather than the negative. It's not what I don't have as much as it is what I do have. However, every once in a while, I'm blindsided & the tears flow freely like the dam burst & I'm exposed.

Like on this past Christmas morning when FIL allowed my nephews & niece open gifts before I was even told they were here. I couldn't control myself & I lost it. I remained unusually quiet, as huge tears fell with each blink, my face turned some shade of red (I'm sure) & my nose became instantly stuffy. As FIL said he was sorry & just simply said:

"It's just that we don't have any children to watch on Christmas morning..."

So forgive me if it bothers you that I'm riddled with huge questions. The questions are always there - just bc I choose not to focus on them all the time doesn't mean they don't exists. And at the days end I just hope that who I am & what I've done is enough... for now.

Taking Hold

I am exhausted. It's a good exhausted though. My weekend was full of friends & family, & I wouldn't have it any other way. It was a non-stop celebration (birthdays, holiday gatherings, ect..).

Yesterday, after rushing to mom's so we could watch the Raven's game - I couldn't help it we are in the playoffs (we won by the way!) - while helping her bake cookies & other yummy food for dinner. My cousin, John & his family came over, as they do every year around this time.

I loved seeing them & wish that I could do it more during the year. I don't know what it is, but I just want to grab on to the family & friends that I have left & take hold. Time goes on, people grow up, life (& death) happens... way too fast in my opinion.

It might be bc 2009 was such a difficult year with all the losses I encountered, but I think it's more... I've had losses before - many, many, many of them - in a short period of time. This is something more. Something I just can't put my finger on.

Something unsettling. Something urgent.

I wish I could shake it, but I can't. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing exactly, only that it's difficult to identify & it seems to not be going away anytime soon. For whatever reason I have a feeling that it is not for me to know the answers.

So, again, as numerous times in the past, I wait. Taking in the world around me - grabbing hold tight. Knowing that I'm just along for the ride.

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.

Good Bye 2009 & Thanks For It All

In a couple of hours, 2009 will be a thing of the past. And I can't be more glad.

This year has been so difficult. It's not about the deaths or other losses I have had, how my husband & I struggled, the things that have gone unsaid or unwritten, but about all of it together.

Yes, this year has been difficult.

While I have had difficult times - years - before, 2009 is different. I am different. Even though I have struggled this year, I have also changed & grown more than any year that I can remember. My struggling & changing have gone hand & hand. There is no doubt that one has effected the other. How could it not?

Amongst other things, I have grown in my faith as a Christian. I have grown as a person & there is no doubt, I am better for it. I cannot, & will not, look back on this year & (as much as I may want to) wish that it would or could be forgotten.

It is through the difficult times of this year that I have not only grown, but grown closer to God. My faith has been tested & stretched. I have questioned, begged & pleaded, & prayed more than I have ever in the past. Likewise, it has been years since my faith has been tested like this. And I must say, my relationship with God has never been more real. More personal. More connected than ever before.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I would have said or done things differently? Do I wish that I could go back & re-do things again, changing the outcome? Yes... and no. Yes, don't we all wish we could do that to some degree & no, if I could change things, have a re-do, things would not be how they are now.

There is a reason for it all. Everything both good & bad has a purpose. I would like to think that the difficulties I have faced, the struggling I have endured, have a reason - a good one - for occurring; that life as I know it will be different than ever before. Be different in the new year to come.

So, I say Good Bye to this year & give thanks for it. For without this year & everything I encountered within it, I would not be just where I am & who I am today.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I can honestly say there was a point when I didn't know just how this Christmas was going to turn out or, just simply put, how on earth would I make it through after having such a tough year - having lost so much.

I made it through though.

How? Well, it was easy wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Sure, there were parts that were tough. A lot of tears shed, but that's not at all a bad thing, its all part of being human. And my thoughts were bombarded with thoughts of loved ones who were no longer here & the remnants of Christmas past.

Here's the thing about the past though: it's a great place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

So, I visit, & I am thankful - no matter how much bad stuff happens - for all the good stuff that has happened this year, choosing to focus on my blessings.

Reminding myself not what I have lost, but what I have & have gained this year. And that's made all the difference in the world.