Happy 9th Birthday, Kevin!

Kevin, 6.28.2003

Dear Kevin,

This is one of the first pictures I took of you, just the night before you turned 3. I cannot believe you are nine today. You are growing up right in front of my eyes.

Gone are the days when you run to me & ask me to put Neeeemoo" in the DVD player. Now, you are all about Pop Pop's computer & any shooting game you can find. The one thing I love though is what a great athlete you are becoming. I love to watch you in Little League, although I didn't get to do much of it this season bc Uncle Jake was helping coach Jason's T-Ball team.

You are very smart. Too smart for your own good sometimes. You are quick-witted & always want to learn new things. You are extremely competitive & always looking for a challenge, especially if it means showing up your brother. {:)

You love Lisa & always making sure she doesn't do something that she shouldn't or that would get her hurt. Secretly, I am hoping that when she starts dating, you will be the same protective big brother you are now.

I love seeing you grow up, but I can't believe how much time has passed. I fell in love with your blue eyes 7 years ago, & I'm still in love with them, although they aren't as blue anymore. They are a brilliant gray now, but also seem to have flecks of other colors that get highlighted depending on what you where. They are just stunning & I can't help but be captivated by them still.

Kevin, 6.29.2010

I want you to know that I love you, Kevin, & always will. You will always hold a special place within my heart.

Love Always,

Aunt

In Focus

The truth is this - there are reasons that I have been MIA. Lots of them.

Have you ever had moments were something hits you & everything makes sense? I've been taking time off from blogging to refocus. Yes, there had been times where I desperately needed to blog. Just let it all out, but I resisted.

Sure, I've wanted to write things, catch up with what's been going on. But the truth is, I so desperately needed to reconnect. Reaching out to those I love & having them reach back.

My days missing have been filled with family & friends. Spending time with them & truly connecting with one another, having quality time & making it count. If it's one thing I have learned through loss & grieving it's there is no second chances. This is it. Make it count.

We've been spending time with old friends...

Ansley & Me, 4.11.2010

Reconnecting with those we haven't seen in forever...

Me & Theresa, Mother's Day 2010

Making new friends...

My Friend, Lisa & Me, 4.30.2010

Helping coach Jason's T-Ball team...

Jake & Jason 5.1.2010

And hanging out on the field...

Jason & Me, 5.6.2010

Simply spending time with those whom we love...

Mom, Jake & Me, Mother's Day 2010

Bringing it all into focus - making it all crystal clear.

Easier Said Than Done

As I sit her & type this post, Lisa, our two year old niece, is asleep in our bed.

I don't talk about my deep desire to be a mom much. If you knew me in real life, you would know that people say that I would be a great mom & that I love being around children. One friend even told me once that my soul lights up when I'm around them.

I don't know how 'great' I would really be, but I can tell you that I've wanted to be a mom since I was very young. And now that I've been married for going on 5 years, I'm here to tell you - I just don't know if God has that in the plan for me.

Sometimes, when you want something so bad for so long, you think you are never going to get it. I think that's what's going on here, but then again, maybe not. It is His plan, not mine. And if it's one thing I've learned, it's never to confuse my plan with His. My plans are flawed, His are not. I think I know what's best for me, He does know what's best for me.

With that being said, I'm frustrated. Most of my friends have children. Children that, if I'm lucky, they allow me to love. And I can't put a price on that. Ever. I will forever be Aunt Shannon, no matter if I have children of my own or not. It is a job & role that I love.

However, I can't deny wanting something more. Deeper. There is a void in my life. An emptiness that longs to be filled. And at the moment I am doubtful that it will ever be filled by becoming a mother.

And on top of it all, there is some things in my past that I've put behind me, or tried to at least, that I need to come to peace with as well. So, on the off chance that being a mom is not in the plans, I can at least live my life more peacefully.

In the end, everything will be how it is supposed to be. It may not be how I would like it to be, but it's still my life & I have to live it - regardless if I'm a mom or not. The problem is that right now living life without something I want so badly & deeply desire is easier said than done.

Happy 6th Birthday, Jason!

February 20, 2010

Dear Jason,

Today is your birthday. I remember when you were born. I was so happy for your mom, dad & Kevin. I never got to see you at the hospital. Something about your Grandpop saying "If you see one baby, you've seen them all." No matter how much I pleaded, neither he or Uncle Jake seem interested in taking me to see you.

I think if they had it to do again, things would be done very differently. I was so upset, especially since when you finally did come home, I couldn't see you then either bc your home has lots of steps that I could never get up, even if i tried. And, even though you live right across the ally, February is really cold. I like to say the first time I saw you I fell in love with you, but that is not the truth. The truth is I loved you before you were even born.

You are the funny, silly & your laugh is infectious. You are a silent thinker. You sit back & take the world in. You are so smart. You are sensitive. You are my little helper not bc you have to be, but bc you want to be. You are always thinking of others.

You are great little brother & a great big brother too. You always want to do everything Kevin does, even though he is 3 years older than you. You love playing with Lisa & love to teach her new things. I remember a couple months ago when I taught you how to tie your shoes & you finally got it. You beamed from ear-to-ear. And although you didn't say it to Kevin, I knew that part of the reason you were so happy is bc you could finally do something that Kevin couldn't at the time.

I just want you to know that Uncle Jake & I love you very much. And you can never do anything to make to make that change. I am so grateful to be a part of this family that let's me love you, Kevin & Lisa. And I can't wait to see you grow up & be the man you will become. Wait...on second thought - don't grow up so fast. I have all the time in the world.

Love You Always,
Aunt

The Dangers of Dodgeball

This is what can happen if your 8 year old nephew, Kevin, falls in gym class while playing dodge ball.

It happen just a few short hours ago. In fact as I type, he is at the dentist. And since he is eight, they are his permanent teeth. It had to hurt.

It'll be okay. That's what dentist do. They fix teeth.

Even those.

Wordless Wednesday: Siblings

Lisa (23 Months), Jason (5), & Kevin (8)

12.28.2009

Wordless Wednesday: Sweet Dreams

May 1, 2008

Happy 2nd Birthday, Little Lisa

My Dearest Lisa,

Today, is your second birthday. I can't believe how big you have gotten. It seems like just yesterday that you were in the NICU. I have to wonder where the time has gone. Uncle Jake & I don't have any cousins for you to play with yet so it brings me lots of joy to watch you & your brothers grow up, & we get to see you almost every day since you only live right across the ally.

Before I go any further I should thank you. It is bc of you that your mom & I have the relationship we do. I spent many hours with her at the hospital doing my best to relay messages to her from the staff when they didn't have an interrupters for her. And when they did have one, I got to have actual conversations with her like I never had before. I must admit, it still baffles the heck out of me that your daddy grew up in this family & no one (besides me) knows any signs around here.

You are the first girl to be born in this family for 40 years. Everyone is smitten with you. You have them wrapped around your little finger & you know it. And just in case you haven't realized by now, you have a ton of people who love you, but I think you hold a special place in you Grandpop's heart. Shhhh... Don't tell your brothers. {:)

You are a happy child & are always smiling. You hardly ever cry. You provide us with many laughs, something we don't have enough of around here since your Grandmom died almost 10 years ago. You are very smart; in fact, I think you are smarter than all of us put together at times. You already know many signs, you can count almost to 10 & know several of your letters.

I cannot wait until you grow up to see the young lady you will become, but pretty please with sugar on top don't grow up too fast. We enjoy every minute with you & want as many as we can. You can be anything you want to be. And I know, even this early, that whatever you will do, you will be great at it. You & your brothers can do anything you set out to do & I believe that God has a special plan for each of you.

Well, My Little Niece, I want to thank you for everything you do & who you are. Know that Uncle Jake & I love you very much. And we a very grateful that you & your brothers have come into our lives, but are more grateful that God has chosen us to be a part of yours.

We Love You Always,
Aunt& Uncle Jake

Enough Questions

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

I wonder that all the time. Am I doing enough as a wife? Am I doing enough as a daughter? Or a sister? Or friend? Often times I wonder if I'm doing enough as a Christian. I must confess that what ever the version of the question is the core remains the same. Am I really doing enough?

Having lost so much in life has given me a unique outlook. I am in no way naive or in anyway sheltered. I am a person who feels deeply & thinks (& rethinks) often. Although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, I often find myself wondering if I were gone tomorrow would this be enough? Would my life matter? What would my legacy be?

Jacob & I have been married for 4 years & 8 months exactly today... Sometimes, I am tortured by the fact that we don't have children yet. It bothers me. And I know that it bothers Jacob. I know that things will happen in time, to be more specific God's time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less or the aching subside.

As much as I love the people in my life who have their own children & am so very grateful that they allow me to love their children as if they are my own, there is always a reminder that I am still childless. At the end of the day, they get the the kisses, the snuggles, the tucking in for the night's sleep (hopefully), ect...

Most of the time I don't let it bother me. I tend to look on the positive side rather than the negative. It's not what I don't have as much as it is what I do have. However, every once in a while, I'm blindsided & the tears flow freely like the dam burst & I'm exposed.

Like on this past Christmas morning when FIL allowed my nephews & niece open gifts before I was even told they were here. I couldn't control myself & I lost it. I remained unusually quiet, as huge tears fell with each blink, my face turned some shade of red (I'm sure) & my nose became instantly stuffy. As FIL said he was sorry & just simply said:

"It's just that we don't have any children to watch on Christmas morning..."

So forgive me if it bothers you that I'm riddled with huge questions. The questions are always there - just bc I choose not to focus on them all the time doesn't mean they don't exists. And at the days end I just hope that who I am & what I've done is enough... for now.

On This Christmas Eve

It's after 9 at night & all the food is cooked. I'm doing my best to keep it all warm.

My dad & brother Lea & his family were due here over 2 hours ago. But life never goes as planned. Ever.

Lea's car, which is not really his car but my SIL's*, broke down on the way to get dad. Jake had to go get them all, which is quite a distance to travel. They are almost here, just minutes away.

*Sister-In-Law

In fact, I am just glad that I have a dad & family to spend Christmas with that I don't even care how late they are... they can be as late as they wish.

I'll still be waiting. Counting my blessings.

Another Award: How Fabulous!

I received another award! How awesome is that? It is nice to see that my blogging is being shared with people other than I know personally. And It's nice to know that those who follow me, read what I write & truly care. I would continue to write even if no one read my blog though. However, everyone who has a blog should have a following bc it just makes things more exciting, I suppose.

Anyway, Debby from Just Breathe gave me this award (Much Thanks!) and the conditions of the award is that I name 5 obsessions of mine & pass the award onto 5 people. So here it goes:

1. My camera & taking photos. I wasn't always good at taking photos, but I learned from my mistakes & improved on it. I currently feel naked though - my camera got mysteriously broken a couple of days ago so, I don't have one right at the moment. It's secretly driving me crazy!

2. My Nieces & Nephews. I love them. So very much. Really. They are my world. It started back when Christopher was born, 16 years ago. Then Devann came 3 years later. Now, I have more nieces & nephews than I can count! {:) One thing is for sure though, I don't know what I would do without them. And I can honestly say, they have saved my life many times throughout the years.

3. My Pets. I have a zoo. Remember? I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites (or is that just with kids?), but I love Pee Wee. He's playful, compassionate, a good cuddler, does lots of tricks -including take off my socks, & loves me unconditionally. No matter what.

4. Bottles. As in water bottles, drink bottles whatever. I love them, have too many of them; although ever since I moved on with Jake, I can't ever seem to find them. I am always thirsty & always have a bottle with water in it with me. It's just how I roll. {:) Literally (a little bit of wheelchair humor).

5. Stores. Not buying stuff, just looking around in them. Especially places like Rite Aid or grocery stores. I could spend hours in them. I think it comes from spending a lot of time in the car as a kid waiting while mom ran into places.

Now, for the 5 6 people to pass this award:

Em @ Glorify Him Withe Every Breath,Kate @ Called Out One,CC @ His Heart, Amy @ Inside Amy's World, Tarah @ Eyeglasses & Endzones, & Ellen @ To The Max.

The Void

I thought about doing a wordless Wednesday today then decided not to. There will other Wordless days I'm sure. There are are just days when words just need not to be - well, wordless.

We don't have kids yet. Only pets. Lots of them. A dog, a parrot, several hermit crabs, multiple freshwater fish & even a beta fish. And those are just ours. Jake's dad, whom we live with, has is own dog, a a parakeet that gets neglected & even a goldfish that belong to my nephews who live across the ally.

Something has been bothering me. A lot. I have been reading a bunch of other people's blogs following some, passing by others. The thing that is irking me is that I am really lost sometimes at what to post a picture of and what not to. I don't know how I feel about publishing pictures of other people's children (OPC) like my nieces or nephews for example.

And yes, I know that I posted pictures of Lisa, but I did that bc of the circumstances. In my eyes, prayer is always an exception. It's almost as if I don't have the right. I am not there parent. I'm their aunt. They are not mine. I am always, it seems like that anyway, reminding myself that. And I have plenty of pictures of them. Trust me. I live with my camera.

So, I must confess I don't want to post all kinds of picture of my pets. I would love to post pictures of children. My children. And so it irks me yes. It irks me that I only have pets. No children yet. Don't get me wrong. I love Pee Wee, I love Jesse & all my other pets.

They are like my childen, expecially Pee Wee. With that being said, I've learned that pets can't take the place of the need to nurture. They fill a void, yes, but the desire & longing for a child nothing can replace that. Nothing. Trust me, I've tried.

On Being Disabled: Just a Part of Me

I am so ecstatic! After spending almost 2 1/2 weeks in my manual chair, and being dependent on people more than I am accustomed to, I am FREE. Thank You, God! My power chair is up and running and it feels like a dream. The guy's name was Lou that showed up to fix it and he took 4 hours to do so. For whatever reason, it is always like that with this chair.

You just can't imagine what it's like unless you've been there. I try really hard not to complain, to take the hand that I've been dealt, to always see my glass as half full and not empty; to be nothing but positive. I have learned my world is a lot better and easier to handle, if I look on the bright side of things. Trust me, at times it is not easy to do and it is sometimes a struggle to do.

I haven't always been this way. As I've said before, this is what I have learned. When I had depression, it was difficult. Heck, if I saw anything besides darkness during the days of my depression, it was not only a good day, but a miracle. Seriously.

Although I've always had Cerebral Palsy (CP), I haven't always been in a chair. Sometimes (a lot actually), I truly miss walking like I used to, but by the same token, being in a power chair has given me a freedom I did not have before. For example, I am better able to carry things or take care of things, like my nieces and nephews. And eventually, although not yet, it will enable me to be a better mom. Also, cooking is easier and I can take the dog on a walk by myself. Simple things like that. And though I have always done things on my own, having a power chair takes my independence to another level entirely.

It bothers me when disabled people always use their disability as an excuse, constantly have pity parties, or complain. SUCK IT UP AND DEAL. Thea always says, "Life is tough, get a helmet." Gotta love her. I also have another friend, Bobby, who always said, "I have CP, CP doesn't have me." You see, some people let their disability define them. It becomes who they are. Me? I am - me. My disability is not who I am. It is one part of who I am. I am who God made me to be. He didn't make one part of me - He. Made. ALL. Of. Me.

Spring Cleaning

I know it has been a while since my last post - it just so happens to be one month exact. It's funny how that happened by chance. Things have been wonderful but crazy here at the same time. It seems that as each day passes my life changes in some little way, which is not at all a bad thing.

Spring has arrived here in Maryland. The dogwood tree out my bedroom window is budding. The days are beautiful, with sun and blue skies, but it is still cold and chilly at times. Signs of change are among us. I must confess that as the world around me is changing, I am changing just as much - or even more - on the inside. I am not the same person I once was, even a few short months ago.

A few days ago, I was in a frenzy - a cleaning frenzy. I had had enough. It's all gone. All the clutter is sorted, purged or put in its proper place. Finally, my stuff and space is respected. It's all clean now, in my bedroom and office at least - afterall these are the parts of the house that I can control.

This is how it was meant to be - always. I have found that if I am a mess on the inside, my outer world reflects the same. I assume the oppisite is true as well.

I feel relaxed and at ease most of the time now. I cannot wait for our first official cookout, even if it's only for the family. Or to take the kids to the park. There's this park I like to go to. It is the only park that is 100% wheelchair accessible. I can even go up ON the play equipment power chair and all.

The whole playground has a ground made with recycable tires and they have two playareas: one for big kids and one for little kids. They have a awesome educational Nature Center and even accessible hiking trials.

I take my nieces and nephews there all the time because it is where I can fully interact with them and they love it there. In fact, they have already asked me weeks ago, despite the snow, when am I going to take them there.

One day, Jake and will take our children there too. One day.