Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Stream of Consciousness: On Overdrive & Hating It

It is a little past 1:30 in the morning & I can't sleep. My thoughts are swimming in my head so fast - it feels like tidal waves repeatably crashing upon the rocks & rushing the shore with no mercy in sight.

Just hours ago, I attended the viewing of a life long neighbor & family friend. She was always a good neighbor, but even a better friend.

Her daughter Sandy used to babysit me when I was little & we've been friends off & on throughout the years. Funny how people lose touch as time goes on. I hate that.

I'm six months along this strange journey that Sandy & her siblings are embarking on. I do not envy them. No one who has been here would.

I've been crying a lot tonight. It's just displaced grief that has surfaced. Untouched grief that is yet to be explored from Dad, Aunt Elaine, & even Mandy - I think.

On top of all that mom has had some health concerns that are causing me to feel somewhat on edge. Nothing too serious, but compounded with everything else just make my brain go a little on overdrive. I hate overdrive.

I try to take some deep breaths, but that is little relief. It is hard to put a name to my feelings & thoughts. I hate that too. Honestly, that has been happening a lot lately, more often then not.

All I think to say is - I 'm scared. Scared of what I don't know & can't put a name to it. This has happened before. The most clear example of this I can recall is the evening after dad died.

He died on a Friday & by Saturday night, I sought refuge at Theresa's house & spent the night. I was hell bent on not changing any plans that were already set before my world came crashing down. So there I was. Something that probably saved my life & sanity, in more ways than one.

All I could say was I'm scared. She would ask what I was scared of & I would tell her I don't know, unable to put a name to it. Months later, here I sit with that same feeling & still at a loss of words as ever.

And I hate it.

Stays With You

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful!

Mom & Me, Easter Sunday 1985

Dear Mom,

I can't imagine what your eyes have seen, your hands have done & all the places your feet have led you in your 70 years of existence. When I try to imagine it, it is overwhelming. Oh, & by the way - if I ever live to see 70, I hope that I age as gracefully as you. You are so beautiful.

Mom, 6.6.2010

I know that we don't pick our parents, or our children for that matter, but I must tell you that I am glad that you are my mom. I know that may seem strange for me to say given our history, but it's the truth. No, we haven't always gotten along, seen eye to eye, been easy to live with, but we always loved one another, even if it was hard to tell at times.

You were the best mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it. I don't know if you have regrets about me or life in general, but I want to tell you that life is much fuller when you let go of those regrets.

You have taught me to be kind & loving to those I love. That by doing the little things that matter the most, people around me will know they are thought of more than they realize. You have taught me that education is important & no one take away my intelligence, no matter how much they may try.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that perseverance & determination are the paths that lead greatness, because no matter what you faced over the years, you kept moving foward & did what you needed to make sure I had everything I ever needed.

It's funny what I see now that I was blinded to before. I guess that's God's gift to us - that, as we get older, we see our life & the people in it differently. If nothing else, know this is the truth & always will be - I love you more than words can express & I am so blessed to call you my mom.

Love Always,

Blog Hop: Letter to the Teenage Me

{This Blog Hop has you write a letter to your younger self. Here is mine.}

Dear Shannon,

It'll be years before you'll understand this, but trust me, it's all true. I know your having a difficult time. Right now, you are deep into your depression, your relationship with your mom is hostile, your dad is no where to be found, your brother, Damon, is sick & Lea is just trying to do the best that he can to figure things out for himself.

I know you've lost so many friends & love ones to death & people who are trying to comfort you tell you that in time you will feel better. They mean well, but they are lying. It doesn't get easier. At all. There will always be an ache in your heart, like part of your soul is gone. You will never stop yearning to feel their presence or to get just one last day to spend with them. You will however get through it, but even then it will always hurt.

Believe it or not, you won't always be depressed. There is a light in this blackness that you feel, & one day, it will just be there. The truth is it's always been there. The darkness just covers it up & makes it hard to see. I know there are times when you want to die. Stick it out. Believe me, it'll all be worth it. And one day, you will be glad your attempts were not successful & others, some who you haven't even met yet, will be glad you are still here too.

Oh, and that God you are so mad at - He is still there too. Even as you say horrible things to Him, push Him away & blame Him for all the bad things in your life - He is still there. He will always be there. In fact, you will come to know Him on such a personal level, it may be hard for others to understand. That's okay, it doesn't matter who understands. Your realationship is personal. It is real. And full of love.

I know there are people you cling to right now. They are your best friends & they have pulled you some tough times & will pull you through things that haven't even happened yet. Right now, they are your world. And that's okay, for now...

Please trust me when I say, that some people - even your best friends - aren't meant to stay in your life forever. You will forever be thankful to them & they will always have a place in your heart. Believe me - a place in your heart & a place in your life are two different things.

I know you think you will never find someone to love. Who would love someone who is disabled & emotionally broken like you? Right? Wrong. You are oh so wrong. The truth is that we are all broken. Every single one of us. Not one of us is perfect, untouched, without flaws.

You will meet your husband in a couple of years, & even though she won't believe you, you will tell Thea that you are going to marry him someday. You will go away from him for many years, but God will make sure that just when you are content with who you are & where you are. It is then your paths will cross again.

Your marriage, like the rest of life, won't be easy. Especially, in the early years. You will come close to leaving him several times, but you stick it out. That's what you do. Besides, you realize that you love him too much to ever leave him.

As for being a mom, after trying for years, it'll happen when you least expect it. Even though there are times when you doubt, you know without question that God is in control. He will give you the perfect addition to your family that comes along at the perfect time. You see, as hard as it may be to see (& it's even more difficult to admit) God loves you & wants the best for you. And that means doing things on His time, not yours.

Trust me, Shannon, where I sit now is so far from where you sit as you read this. So far, in fact, that it will seem like two totally different lives of two totally different people. You will have changed so much.

You are strong. And it will be tough. Life is is no way ever easy. Ever. You will go through things that others can't comprehend. It's okay. Just remember that "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy." And in the end, you are never alone & are loved. Always.

With Love & Gratitude,

Extraordinary Things

I haven't seen Jamie, since about 1997, which is something like a billion years ago or 13, depending on how you do the math. Truthfully, I must confess it seems like a lifetime ago, when I was a different person, & in so many ways, living a different life.

I met her in the summer of my 8th grade year, her 9th. I was working at what was to be my new high school that just happen to house the Summer Chorale Program for students throughout the county.

Our friendship began in the oddest of ways, although there was nothing extraordinary about the ordinary moments that lead up to how it began, or so I thought. I simply tagged along with some friends as they went to the local Friendly's after the Choir concert was over. When I got there, all the people that I knew were sitting at tables that were already full. I felt so out place.

I looked around & I asked Jamie, who I did not know at the time, if I could join her table & so I did. She wind up driving me home that night too. And for whatever reason that still baffles me to this day, we ended up having a four hour conversation in my driveway. And so our friendship began.

For reasons unknown to me, I trusted her right away. Although we had just met, I felt I had known her my whole life. She quickly became one of my best friends & truly loved me unconditionally, which was no easy task at the time.

The summer that we met was also the summer that I got diagnosed with depression & started counseling. Way back when I started this blog, I wrote this entry about my depression & yes, Jamie was one of the people that I was talking about when I wrote that entry. In fact, I remember writing it thinking of her, wondering where she was & if she would ever get the opportunity to see the person I am now.

Back then, I was not an easy person to love. At all. I was deep into my depression & very suicidal for many years, & could not see anything but darkness, so why live, right? I literally was living in hell, not getting a long with my mother, having an absent father who I hated for leaving me & spending hours upon hours at the bar instead of where I so desperately needed him to be - in my life.

And to top it all people were dying left & right. Death was all around me, I was so immersed in grief, I was beside myself. Oh yeah, and God? I was so angry at him it was not funny. I so desperately wanted to be loved by him, but I hated him for what my life had become.

For years, time & again, Jamie was always there for me. I am sure there are times when she wanted to be done with me, walk away & never look back. I'll say it again, I was not an easy person to love... but she did it anyway. I used to call her "my friend with a heart of gold" & trust me, it was the truth.

One day, we just grew apart. We were both busy in college. Our paths went in different directions. Over the years, I had always wondered about her, prayed for her, hoped she was doing well, hoped she was happy. Some time ago, we found each other on Facebook. And that led to last night.

Looking back, I am in awe at just how amazing God was. How amazing He is. God knew what he was doing when he made us friends. I will forever be thankful for the friendship we had, bc without it I don't know if I would be here, & there is only a handful of friends I can say that about.

I don't know if we will be friends again. I do not know if it's in His plan. What I do know is that, regardless of what may or may not happen in the future, I will forever be grateful that He can make extraordinary things from ordinary moments.

Jamie & Me, 6.18.2010

My Heart Aches

My mind is racing. I so want it to stop. You think I would be used to this by now. I just can't bare having to let go of another loved one. Cancer sucks. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, make it go away.

But on the other hand, she is not gone yet. She is still living. I wonder if I will get to tell her everything I have always wanted to say. Knowing that when I looked back, years from now, even if I got that chance, I will have still wanted to say more. That's how it always is.

My mom is heartbroken. I don't blame her. Aunt Elaine has been her friend for so long. It is hard to hear her cry. I can relate to her on so many levels - having loss so much. Having loss so many & grieved more times than I care to count.

If you know me, or have read my blog for any amount time, you know that I always try to see the positive in things. You know that I know God has a plan. You know I know that he uses everything - both good & bad, & makes it for His good. I still know all those things, but it does not make me feel better today.

I wish I could tell others that I'm allowed to have a bad day or days, as the case may be - I'm allowed to feel bad - & still believe those things. Just bc I feel bad right at the moment does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that I don't believe in His Plan. Believing in Him, knowing that he is in control, does not mean that I cannot feel emotion. He created me, & I am human after all.

In Focus

The truth is this - there are reasons that I have been MIA. Lots of them.

Have you ever had moments were something hits you & everything makes sense? I've been taking time off from blogging to refocus. Yes, there had been times where I desperately needed to blog. Just let it all out, but I resisted.

Sure, I've wanted to write things, catch up with what's been going on. But the truth is, I so desperately needed to reconnect. Reaching out to those I love & having them reach back.

My days missing have been filled with family & friends. Spending time with them & truly connecting with one another, having quality time & making it count. If it's one thing I have learned through loss & grieving it's there is no second chances. This is it. Make it count.

We've been spending time with old friends...

Ansley & Me, 4.11.2010

Reconnecting with those we haven't seen in forever...

Me & Theresa, Mother's Day 2010

Making new friends...

My Friend, Lisa & Me, 4.30.2010

Helping coach Jason's T-Ball team...

Jake & Jason 5.1.2010

And hanging out on the field...

Jason & Me, 5.6.2010

Simply spending time with those whom we love...

Mom, Jake & Me, Mother's Day 2010

Bringing it all into focus - making it all crystal clear.

A Better Way

Lately, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about a lot of things & reflecting on things of the past.

Perhaps it is bc of all the things my family of origin (my dad, my mom, & brother) have been through lately, or maybe it's bc of stuff that my family (as in my marriage & unity with Jacob) has experienced through recent struggles.

Or maybe it's because I recently celebrated the one year birthday of the beginning of this blog. And as a result, I've been going back rereading things & I'm also trying to revamp a better more useful system for my blog labels & such, for no other purpose than to make it better suited for my needs. Or maybe in a little over two months or so, I realize that Mandy will be gone for a year already. A date that is rapidly approaching whether I want it to or not.

Right now, I'm questioning so much. Reflecting on everything. Noticing things that I have never noticed before, even though there were things that were clearly in my face at the time. The clearest example of this is right here on this very blog.

I wrote this on 3.30.09 when I first got word of Mandy being in the hospital, & the very next entry I wrote is on 5.1.2009 eight days after she died. Not one word, not even a keystroke during the month of April. Have I always done this? Withdrew in difficult times?

The things that I saw & experienced during that month, I still have difficulty putting into words. In a lot of ways it's still fresh, still raw, still - in many ways - so wrong. There are many things, I wish I would have done different, things I wish I would have said. Things I will always regret.

Somewhere along the way I learned to hold things in, push it away, keep it without words until it made sense to me or I just couldn't keep it in any longer, whichever came first. And let me be the first to say, I truly hate that I learned to do that. Why? Bc I truly believe there are certain things that shouldn't be kept silent.

We are only as sick as our secrets. Secrets have power in the darkness. The only thing that make them powerless is by exposing them & bringing them to light. This I know. However, this is not easy to do. And I must admit I've been struggling with a lot of things lately.

There is so much I want to say right now. So many thoughts & feelings that I want to process. So much that I want to confess. Just purge it. Bring it into the light. Give it less power. But as much as I want this, I just can't. I'm not ready. I'm not ready - as honest as I have found myself to be on this journey to my more authentic self - to confess certain things on this very public blog. A blog that anyone & everyone can read.

In these recent months, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Written entries late at night or not when I wanted to all together. Told people, in person & not, things that I never thought I would say. Exposed the secrets & lies on my quest for the truth.

A million thoughts are in my head. I want to run. Hide. Pull away. Be left alone. It's what I do. It's all I know. However, I also know better. I know there is a better way. I just need the courage to pursue it.

Update: In The Storm

I thought it was about time that I do an update on this entry that I wrote about the current circumstance that my family is in.

My brother, Lea walked away without a scratch really & now days later there is really no pains from the accident. From what I'm being told by others, like my sister-in-law, it is truly a miracle. I am so very thankful that he wasn't hurt.

Dad on the other hand is doing not so good. A little after midnight this morning, he was transferred to another local hospital & will have heart surgery early Friday morning. His internal defibrillator is baffling them, they are not sure why it is malfunctioning, but they want to go in & change it as soon as they can*. Early yesterday, before they knew what they know now there was talk of his discharge. But, upon examination &, they fear that if he goes into heart failure, it will not do it's job, not have enough power, &/or malfunction & it will not restart his heart.

*At least that is what he was told until he called me about an hour ago. Now they don't want to change his defibrillator, but do an ablation, like they did before in August of 2009.

This is so frustrating. I want to know what's going on, first hand. I want to talk to the doctors & nurses & ask questions. Not get my information from an exhausted father, who is needs oxygen, is tired of talking & his heart beating fast. What's frustrating is I am stranded, inside bc there is an insane amount of snow outside. It is a state emergency. Only emergency vehicles allowed on the road. Not loving daughters* who have sick fathers in the hospital. Can you imagine being alone & having to wait for everything? For your love ones to show up? For the doctors to help you. To just feel better?

* Don't forget the added challenge of the battle between power chair & snow & ice.

I also got a call from my mom today. Having a serious case of cabin fever, it seems that yesterday before Round 2 of this blizzard fell upon us, she went out. Upon returning, as she was turning on to her street, she got rear ended by the car behind her that saw her blinker, tried to stop, but slid into the back of her. She is okay for now.

So, that's where I am right now. I'm trying hard not to feel overwhelmed & to just do anything I can, which is basically praying. Sometimes, no matter how much I may want to do more, praying is the only thing I can do.

100

100 things about me for the 100th post (in total randomness):

1. I cannot believe this is my 100th post!

2. I can talk to anybody & often do, even if they are a total stranger.

3. I have a great memory.

4. Over a year ago, maybe even two by now -I was in Coldstone Creamery & said to a lady in line, "Hey, I know you. Your name is Carrie & we went to elementary school together." I was right & it had been over 25 years since I saw her.

5. I hate green beans & will only eat them on very rare occasion. This is bc my mom had them all the time when I was a a kid & used to make me eat them.

6. I love reading & often use it to escape.

7. I just finished a novel called The Lightning Thief. It is the first book in a series. It's a lot like Harry Potter, but it encompasses Greek mythology, instead of Magic. I know it's deemed as a kid's book, but I could not put it down. I read it in a day and a half. The movie of this book is coming out Presidents Day 2010.

8. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know when that is.

9. I am grateful that I like to (sometimes) read books that aren't really for adults. Sometimes, I just need a break from my very adult life.

10. My eyes are green.

11. I'm in love with people's eyes. They can tell you so much.

12. Sometimes I wish I had a sister.

13. I'm fat & I'm okay with that. Why aren't you?

14. I haven't had a hair cut since September of 2008, which is unheard of for me.

15. I need to update my profile picture, but haven't found a replacement picture for it (Note: Since this post is taking me forever to write I have found a new picture. What do ya think?).

16. I've been slowly withdrawing from my friends, & I'm not sure why.

17. I hate Barney.

18. I love Jesse, really I do. Lately, I've been wondering why he wasn't so damn LOUD in the store? What the hell was I thinking?

19. I am not a girly girl.

20. My favorite color is Purple. Although it has changed throughout the years. I also love Periwinkle, which was the color of my wedding. Periwinkle is also my mom's favorite color.

21. I have a scar in my back from when I was a kid & visiting my Mom Mum in VA & tried to climb a fence... Somebody really forgot to tell me I have CP. {:)

22. There are somethings I wish I could do over about my wedding.

23. Hell, there are things I wish I could do over. Period.

24. I hate hospitals.

25. I will however go to the hospital if it means seeing or spending time with someone I love. Even if it is to say goodbye.

26. I hate goodbyes.

26. I miss Mandy. More than anyone realizes.

27. I really was a "Poster Child." One day, I'll tell you about it. Maybe.

28. As a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. When I told my mom this (I think I was 3 or 4), she started to cry. I then asked, "Can I at least be an ice skater?"

29. The longest friendship I have is with Thea. We met when we were 2. Although I have to say there were years that we were apart in between there.

30. I met Jake in 1995. We were best friends. I liked him back then. He had no clue.

31. I asked him out on March of 2003. He tells me if I didn't ask him, he would have never asked me. Nice, Huh? {:)

32. I have loved Bonjovi since I was in the 5th grade. I will always love him.

33. I wasn't always the best picture taker. I got better over the years.

34. Even though I try to live my life with no regrets, I have many.

35. I wish I was disciplined enough to read the Bible from cover to cover.

36. Mathew 7:13-14 used to be my favorite passage. Now it's James 1:2-4, which is at the top of this blog.

37. My faith is more personal than my religion. And I think that's the way it should be.

38. I miss the churches I went to as a child, but they just don't fit with who I am now.

39. I am allergic to pork. I wasn't always. I miss bacon.

40. I was hospitalized once bc of it. Not fun.

41. Pork is in more things than you realize. Like gelatin (unless it's marked kosher). Gelatin is in every thing from dips to marshmallows. I miss s'mores.

42. I have a secret love affair with cheese.

43. One of my favorite cheeses is Brie. Brie taste different cold than it does warmed up, which is my favorite way to eat it.

44. While I do not hate it, American cheese is my least favorite. Now, Swiss on the other hand - I do not care for at all.

45. My father wanted to name me Nora Jean. I am so very thankful for my mother intervening.

46. I have had the names of my children picked out since I was little. They have not changed. People who know that often ask, "What about Jake, doesn't he get a say? To which I reply, "They get his last name." However, Jake tells me that he likes the names anyway. Maybe one day I'll get to share them with you. {:)

47. I have a beta fish that sits on my desk. His name is Aka, which is the word "red" in Japanese.

48. Pee Wee thinks he is a great mouse hunter. He's not... Most of the time.

49. The older I get, the less I want to deal with people. Really, life is not all about you.

50. If we were to get technical, life is all about Him. Then again, that is my option. It does not have to be yours.

51. I have friends & family with different beliefs than me. Some are even atheist. It's okay. I am still their friend & love them regardless. Always.

52. I have a friend that was murdered in 2003. I often wonder if they ever caught the person(s) who killed him.

53. I have a brother in Heaven. His name is Brent.

54. My brother Damon has paranoid Schizophrenia. I love him dearly & I visit him often. He can't help the way he is anymore then I can help having CP. A disability is a disability. One day, I will tell you about him.

55. We have 2 mixed Cds I made of some of my favorite Christian music. That's all we listen too anymore.

56. My favorite time is when we are going to church & we are jamming out to those CDs. I spend a lot of time talking to God then.

57. I'm a night owl.

58. I wonder if this will change if we have children. I think it will for a while, but I will always be a night owl.

59. I know that if I didn't have Pee Wee, I would go insane. I am so glad I have him - even if he is "just a dog." (Note: I don't say that bc to me his not, but to others that's what he is.)

60. I will listen to just about any kind of music, except for rap. I just will never be into it.

61. I know a lot of sign language. I learned it years ago, before I ever dated Jake. Who knew that my future brother-in-law & his wife would both be deaf? God's funny like that.

62. I often wonder why sign language isn't considered to be another language like Spanish & French.

63. I used to go to a camp called Camp Greentop for Disabled children & adults. The last summer I attended was 2003. It is an awesome camp & I would highly recommend it. Some of the greatest people that I know on earth, I met from there.

64. Sometimes I toy with the idea of going back to camp, but I think I am just in a different place in my life now. Plus, now with all the budget cuts, there is no way I could swing it money wise.

65. I do not like dead things, such as dead fish, dead hermit crabs, dead mice. I know it happens... I just don't like seeing it. It creeps me out.

66. I miss Jakes maternal grand father. He died in July of 2005 We called him Grandpop. He lived here with Jake & his dad (& me when I moved in). He never left this house. Seriously - for eight years, except to go to his daughter's funeral in April of 2000.

67. I never knew Jake's mom. I saw her once when I was at college & Jake never introduced us though. I always have wished I knew her. And I always wished she was here now. I would have really loved her & in some strange way - I do.

68. I could spend hours in Barnes & Noble.

69. I miss walking.

70. We just found out tonight that our GPS was stolen from our car. The charger is gone, the mount & the unit, but they left the bag we stored it in. We can't believe nothing else was stolen. Jake said he must have left the door unlocked & not knew it while he was at his job (apparently, the lock is acting up). I am glad that they didn't take the nice bag we stored it in bc Mandy gave that to us for Christmas 2008. Three months after Christmas, she died. I would have been heartbroken, if they had taken it.

71. Even though we go to church every Sunday, sometimes, I miss it during the week. I miss the connection with people & the hugs. They are the only hugs I get all week.

72. I am an extrovert. Very outgoing. Often loud. Most of the time I don't mean to be. And if I'm nervous, I get loud without realizing it.

73. When I'm upset, I get quiet. When I got a lot going on, I withdraw.

74. Jake used to be my safe place to fall. He's not anymore. I don't have one. I miss him being it.

75. People are so used to me telling them that it will be okay. Sometimes, I need to hear that too.

76. I love water. I drink about 4-5 liters of it a day sometimes more.

77. I love swimming & can do great things in it - like handstands. Go figure.

78. When I was a a 6 year old child at Camp Greentop, they put HUGE blocks of ice in the pool & called it a Polar Bear swim. I was not amused. And said, "What are you insane? Don't you know kids with CP freeze up (as in their muscles tense, it's hard to move & quite pain full - at least for me) when they are cold!" And for those who know me in real life - yes, in many ways, I was the same at 6 as I am now.

79. I love crafts.

80. One of my good friends, Regine & I met at oil painting class at the local senior center. We were 8.

81. I used to be terrified of dogs. I got bit by one when I was a kid.

82. I am grateful I do not have that fear anymore. And so is Pee Wee.

83. Even though I've done it 3 times, I am afraid to fly.

84. I love to work with kids.

85. Tonight, I gave Pee Wee a new treat. It is a dried, smoked cow's nose... ewwww! It is bigger than his head. He has been chewing on it for 2 hrs now. It is supposed to be great for cleaning his teeth. And when he first saw it, he just looked at it & sniffed it, gave a little lick & looked at it again, then looked at me as if to say, "Thanks, Mom! But how do I eat this thing?"



86. I've love Rosie O'Donnell & have met her. Twice. She even sent me tickets to her show once. I know some people do not like her. She has radical views & is outspoken. I don't care. To me, she is just a very real person who has a huge heart & is passionate. It makes me love her even more.

89. I love to sing & I used to be in Gifted & Talented choir in high school.

90. I used to be on Tech Crew too. I loved it. In fact, my Sr. year I was the Tech Director. I even used to climb the spiral stair case to the spot room. That made some people nervous & they didn't want me to do it. I didn't care. I did it anyway. A lot. In some strange way it made me feel normal - as in those with out CP - like the other kids & I loved it.

91. I am very stubborn.

92. I miss my Mom's mom. A lot. She died when I was 9.

93. When I was in third grade & at a new school, someone said that I stole some chalk. I did not. Ms. Chashen believed them. I got in trouble. I wonder who stole that chalk?

94. There is nothing that I tell people about Jake that I have not told him or would tell them in front of him. This is sometimes hard for people to understand. He's my husband. I am who I am. I will not hid how I feel or what I think from him. Good or bad.

95. My favorite season is Spring.

96. My Birthday is July 23rd. I share that birthday with my friend Thea, my niece Corrinne, my friend Travis, & several other people whom I have met, know & love.

97. Sometimes, even though I didn't have the greatest relationship historically, I miss living with my mom. For those of you who know the whole history, I know this statement is totally crazy. And to that I say, she is my mom & I love her deeply.

98. My favorite word is onomatopoeia.

99. Jake has never read this blog. He knows it exists. I've told him where to find it. I have even told him to read it. He never has. Sometimes, I wish he did. He says he'll read it when I post this post. And to tell you people out there in Blogland that he will. I don't think he will read it on his own, without prompting. We will see.

100. It has taken me 9 days to write this post & it's really hard to come up with 100 things to say at random - even if it is facts & thoughts about my life. This post will actually go live 11 days after I started it, which will be 8 days short of a year since I started this blog. It is one of the best things I could have ever done.

Waiting For Things To Fall

Am I missing something?

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I can't really say much more, partly bc I haven't figured it all out myself yet & partly bc I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what? Well, I can't really answer that either. If it's one thing I have learned is not every question has an answer that I have the privilege of knowing, & even if I do find the answer - I just may not like the answer.

When I married Jake (& really, if I'm to be honest - ever since I was little), I had big dreams of having a family. I still do. And it's no secret that we desperately want to be parents. We do not hide this fact, but there are times when we just don't go screaming it from the nearest rooftops either.

Marriage & life has not been easy for us at all. Truthfully, we have struggled more than most. I am not asking for things to be easy. I don't want that. I would never want that, unless that is in the plans for us.

It just seems that lately everything is coming at us all at once. We can't get a break to gather ourselves before we are thrown into another round of hardship. Trust me, if God wants my attention, He's got it.

I try really hard to all the time be thankful for the blessings we do have, especially in difficult times. It is thanks to my FIL & my mom that we have most of our blessings. Well, really my blessings are from God in the form of FIL & my mom. Without them, I don't know what we would do.

Here's the thing though - I am tired. I'm exhausted. I can't keep putting out fires or waiting for the other shoe to drop, always trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make sure we make it through. I am tired of just getting by.

I want things for us. Our own family. Our own place. Our own peace of mind at the end of the night. I know this may be a lot to ask, but still I have to ask. I would be crazy not too.

So, here I am. As always, I'm waiting. Waiting for things to fall...waiting for things to fall into place. Still... still giving thanks for it all.

With Older Eyes

As this day draws to a close, I find myself lost in thought. I spent the day with my mother helping her with preparing food for her annual holiday girl's gathering tomorrow. We worked for over 9 hours, & still didn't get it all done. Craziness, I tell ya.

Me & Mom, Christmas 2009

I love my mother. I really do. Despite having a rocky relationship historically. People change, relationships change & for that I am so thankful. Can you imagine if I never had the chance to have a semi-normal relationship with someone whose primary job is to care for me & love me?

What I see now, & understand now as an adult, is no matter how bad things got - & trust me, at times, they got too bad for words - she still loved me. And I truly think that even though I knew that in my heart to be the truth, I didn't believe it then. How could I? At the time I was living in my close personal hell, unsure if I would make it out alive.

I never wanted for anything... Well, nothing physically, at least. She always provided for me, we had a great house filled with everything we ever wanted. I never had to worry about going hungry or the food we were going to eat. She made sure we had everything we needed, even if she had to work 3 jobs to get it. She was a single parent doing the best she knew how, & I was disabled to boot. Can you imagine?

What wasn't there was the emotional part. I longed for her to be my soft place to fall. To have a loving supportive relationship that I had seen my friends have with their mothers. I wanted to be safe & feel loved. I wanted her to be my best friend.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that she couldn't give me what she didn't have. She is only human & has many flaws. She was just a woman doing the best she could, even if she made mistakes or did things she shouldn't do. I am positive there were many times when she felt unloved, under appreciated, depressed & angry. She had doubts, questions & concerns. Again, she was human.

Perhaps I can see things more clearly, from a different point of view, bc I so deeply desire to be a mother myself. And she so deeply desires to be a grandparent. I don't know if that is what God has planned for us.

What I do know is that God planned for her to be my mom & for me to be her child. Taking the bad with the good, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, she was the best mom she knew how to be when she knew how to be it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thankful

On this day, I am thankful for:

A God the truly loves me unconditionally -
showing me grace & mercy daily;
A husband who loves me - even when I'm difficult to love;
A mom & dad who love me even though they don't love each other;
Two brothers who love me, each in their own way;
And friends that love & care about me -
some who have been there through it all.

A roof over our heads, & a house that is functional -
thanks to my father-in-law;
A warm bed to sleep in at night;
Clothes to wear - thanks to my mother;
And food to eat.

The cherished time spent with loved ones
Expecially those who are no longer here;
The fact that I was a part of their life -
More importantly that they were a part of mine;
And knowing that my life & who I am is forever altered
bc of them - no matter how long they were here.

Blog Hop: More About Me

So I was reading this blog, which I love & today Lynnentte suggested a "getting to know you a blog hop," so even though I did this entry only a short bit ago, I decided to do another one, and just hop along.

1. My mom & I haven't always got along, to say the least; however, I have ALWAYS loved her regardless, which is hard for people to understand. Now that I don't live at home, we have a better relationship. Here's a picture taken of us years ago. It is one of her favorites & I love it too.

November 1, 2001

2. I'm my mom's only child, but not my dad's. Both my brothers are older than me, 10 & 8 years to be exact. As a kid, Idolized them. As an adult, I see them as who they are.

3. I am a photo fanatic & pretty much carry a camera with me everywhere. Seriously. I've even figured out how to safely attach my camera to my wheelchair.

4. I am a scrapbooker. I love doing projects all the time. However, I never seem to complete projects for myself, only for others. Hmmm, I never realized that before. I'll have to psychoanalyze that later.

5. I truly miss walking. Especially when that walking allowed me to go into any one's house & be a part of family and friend's functions more.

6. I'm a person, who will give people the benefit of the doubt a little too often.

7. I always try to see the good in people, even when they don't deserve it.

8. I am good at reading people. Sometimes too good.

9. I'm far from perfect. I make lots of mistakes. Sometimes there are things I wish I never did or never happened; however, there is a reason for everything & if things didn't happen the way they did - I would not be who I am today.

10. I have learned that sometimes when you wish for things & get your wish (or not), sometimes that isn't a good thing, but that has never stopped be from wishing. The same can be said about praying.

Timeline of Life

It seems like forever since I've written, maybe that is because it has been. This world around me is forever changing... Time moves on whether, I want it to or not. Since my last post, a lot has happened, some good some not so good. Here's a list:

May 10: Jake starts another job with the same company he's been working for, just a different position but with more pay.

May 13: Heather's maternal grand mom passed away.

May 14: Our fourth year wedding anniversary; took Jesse to the vet, got my wheelchair fixed, and went to pay my respects to Heather's family. All, and all just another ordinary day (and part of me believes that's why anniversaries should be, partly because that's what marriage and life is about).

May 15: Get a call from mom saying she is not feeling well, is very dizzy, and that her kitchen table is so messy that she is going to make homemade soup, despite the world spinning around her. Call and checked on her four times throughout the day and night, she does not remember me calling at all.

May 16: Attend Heather's Grandmom's funeral, but decide not to go to the cemetery because it has been raining and all I know my chair will get stuck in the mud.

Between funeral and wake, I call mom and stop by to pick something up from the porch. She is still not feeling well and is very dizzy.

About thirty minutes later, mom calls and ask if we could take her to Patient First (urgent care) after we get done eating. Before we are done, mom's neighbor Sue calls and says that an ambulance is taking mom to the hospital.

2 PM - We go to the hospital, and beat the ambulance there (I find out later that it was because they could not stabilize her for transport). When I talk to mom, she is slurring her words, vomiting and dizzy.

Hours later they run a CAT scan, and it comes back clean, but they think she has had a stroke.

May 17: 1215 AM - Mom is safe in her hospital bed, on the heart unit and we finally come home for the night.

I return to the hospital in the morning and stay till late at night. Nothings new. It's Sunday. Hospitals do nothing on Sundays. Dizziness and vomiting continue. I inquire why mom's on the heart unit. They say it's because she has a heart memoir (which we've known for years) and memoirs can cause blood clots, which then can cause strokes.

May 18: Mom still dizzy, but is able to keep down food.

May 19: They run an MRI and discover that mom has had several mini strokes. They move he to the stroke unit.

May 20: Mom is released from hospital and told to follow up with her doctors. I meet with Mandy's mom and get pictures to do her memory boards from the memorial.

May 21: Start on the memory pieces for Mandy. Very worried about mom.

May 22: Scrapping the memory board, pull an all nighter.

May 23: Exactly one month after Mandy dies, I attend Mandy's memorial.

There is so much more stuff that has happened, but that timeline gives you an idea of it mostly. The bottom line is, there is a lot going on, as always.

I'm just doing what I've learned works for me. Keeping the faith, positive thoughts, and many prayers... Because, in the end, everything happens for a reason & the way it is supposed to be.