Different

Everything is different now & it makes the most simplest of task so very difficult.

The very last thing I've felt like doing is writing. There always seems to be a million & one thoughts in my head now a days & it is so easy to get distracted & forget what I'm doing from one task to the other.

Wish I could forget other things too, even for a little while.

The holidays came & went. So incredibly painful & wonderful at the same time. Just other reminder that things will never be the same.

Honestly, I don't want to talk about everything now, it only seems to complicate things & is a overwhelming task all it's own. I can say this though - I have struggled to stay connected & be connected to those I love.

I try, but it is as hard for others to understand as it is for me to explain. Some days are better than others. As always, it amazes me how time passes. And how things appear to be the same yet are drastically different.

With Older Eyes

As this day draws to a close, I find myself lost in thought. I spent the day with my mother helping her with preparing food for her annual holiday girl's gathering tomorrow. We worked for over 9 hours, & still didn't get it all done. Craziness, I tell ya.

Me & Mom, Christmas 2009

I love my mother. I really do. Despite having a rocky relationship historically. People change, relationships change & for that I am so thankful. Can you imagine if I never had the chance to have a semi-normal relationship with someone whose primary job is to care for me & love me?

What I see now, & understand now as an adult, is no matter how bad things got - & trust me, at times, they got too bad for words - she still loved me. And I truly think that even though I knew that in my heart to be the truth, I didn't believe it then. How could I? At the time I was living in my close personal hell, unsure if I would make it out alive.

I never wanted for anything... Well, nothing physically, at least. She always provided for me, we had a great house filled with everything we ever wanted. I never had to worry about going hungry or the food we were going to eat. She made sure we had everything we needed, even if she had to work 3 jobs to get it. She was a single parent doing the best she knew how, & I was disabled to boot. Can you imagine?

What wasn't there was the emotional part. I longed for her to be my soft place to fall. To have a loving supportive relationship that I had seen my friends have with their mothers. I wanted to be safe & feel loved. I wanted her to be my best friend.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that she couldn't give me what she didn't have. She is only human & has many flaws. She was just a woman doing the best she could, even if she made mistakes or did things she shouldn't do. I am positive there were many times when she felt unloved, under appreciated, depressed & angry. She had doubts, questions & concerns. Again, she was human.

Perhaps I can see things more clearly, from a different point of view, bc I so deeply desire to be a mother myself. And she so deeply desires to be a grandparent. I don't know if that is what God has planned for us.

What I do know is that God planned for her to be my mom & for me to be her child. Taking the bad with the good, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, she was the best mom she knew how to be when she knew how to be it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Got A Shovel?

They are calling for snow again tonight to last into tomorrow. I'm not really sure just how much we are supposed to get this time.

A couple of weeks ago, 5 days before Christmas to be exact, almost 2 feet of fell on us. It was a mess - a total mess - here. It left me stranded in the house for days. Power wheelchairs & snow are not exactly the best of friends.

See all the snow on the hood of our van? Well, our van wasn't the only thing that was buried...

No, seriously...

that's DEEP!

Doubting

Jake & I seem to be going through a rough patch - struggling more than usual. Right this moment it is tough for many reasons:

We are both sick & tired & sick of being tired (literally);

We are experiencing huge family changes, & we do not see eye to eye on them ;

They're doesn't seem to be enough of us to go around;

We don't have two nickles to rub together;

At a time when we should be reaching out, we are doing the opposite, so when we need others to rally around, it seems no one is there;

We have to struggle to find time for us - to do the things we want to do & reconnect with one another.

I will be the first to admit, I am not perfect. There are times when I am wrong. Lots of times. I don't always handle things the right way or say the right things.

I am but merely human. I have flaws - many of them.

Right now, the place we are at is not a good place to be - at all. And not a moment goes by that I absolutely hate it.

I love my husband - deeply. And I know he loves me.

We will make it through these struggles, I know we will; deep down I know that is the truth, but I just wish that the truth I know is what I believed.