Joy Restored

Joy [joi]
noun

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

*Source: Dictionary.com

It happened shortly after the new year began.  I was given a unexpected gift.  Something beautiful.

God has restored my joy.

After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it -  joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.

People say I'm glowing.  They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.

Me, 2.1.2013

This is not happiness.  This is joy.  Pure joy.

It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it.  And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation.  This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.

Little has changed with my life.  We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul. 

Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.

Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Love & Light

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

It's Been Awhile

It's been months since I have written & I know it. The truth is within those months of absence, I have written hundreds of entries in my head. They just never made it here.

Sometimes, I wish they did.

Life has been tough. A lot of stuff going on... mostly emotional stuff that is taking it's toll on me. I won't bore you with details. Partly, bc it has just been so much & to try to write about it all at once is well, slightly overwhelming. And mostly bc I don't want this blog to be a downer for either you or me. Okay, so it might mostly be for my benefit. But still.

I never wanted this blog to be all about losing Mandy or losing Dad, but it seems that in large part that what it had become. Especially, Dad. This last year has been so difficult. It's like I lost not only him, but myself too. In a lot of ways, even now a year later, I'm trying to reclaim parts of me that don't seem to be connected.

As for Jake & I, we are doing well, despite the fact that he lost his job a few weeks ago. He was laid off along with many other people. I just hope & pray that his job search yields some results soon.

I miss a lot of my friends. Mostly, I just miss them being around. Or me being around them. Either way - schedules don't ever seem to line up & weeks go by & those weeks turn into months & so on. Life always seems to get in the way of the really important stuff. The stuff that doesn't cost money, but it cost time.

There never seems to be enough time. I hope, along with other things, that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to remember that in the darkest of times there still remains light.

In The Depths

Sometimes God whispers.
Sometimes God speaks.
Sometimes God screams.

We have to chose to hear Him.

He is always there.
In the depths,
a light, amid darkness.

Shining bright within.



This Little Light of Mine
By: Addison Road

Saying Sundays: Shadows of Life

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

One Year

One Year. 108 Post. 19 Followers later.

Yes, I started this blog, 365 days ago today. Without knowing me it, God had put me on this this path to the amazing journey & (I believe) I was lead to journal it all here. On this very public blog.

Believe it or not, it was not my intention to be out there publicly, with all my thoughts & feelings. To confess my down falls, struggles, & flaws. To admit the questions, pain, & heartache I have. To share my wishes, wants & desires. Yet, this is where I am.

The truth is, I did not start this blog for any other reason than to purge, sort out & explore the things that made me - well, me. This blog, was & always has been for my benefit. And no one else's.

Did I know I was about to face such difficult trials? No. That I was about to lose my best friend & others whom I love? That my mom would have strokes & my dad such great health concern. No.

Or that I would strive so hard to be authentic & a better me. Not only admitting to my struggles as a wife & person, but as a Christian? That I would have such a burning desire & deep need to live within the truth? Rather than to hide in the darkness. Nope. I didn't know that either.

But it's all here. Written in these pages. One entry at a time.

I will forever be grateful for the journey that I am on. And forever be grateful to have this blog to use to my benefit. Bc, in the end, I know there is a plan - a greater purpose. And what a shame it would be to not have something to look back on to see just how far I have come - to be who I truly was meant to be.

Saying Sundays: Sunlight

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."

~~Benjamin Franklin

Happy 1st Birthday, Beautiful Blue Eyed Boy!

It's New Year's Eve, but more importantly to me, someone very special turns one today.

His name is Christian Soren. And the first time I laid eyes on him when he was only a day old, I fell in love. Can you tell?

His mom Stacey & I have been friends since high school. She was one of my best friends. In fact, she still is. There are times when I truly would be lost without her. I don't have any sisters, but I as far as I am concerned, she is part of my family.

Remember when I wrote this? Well, Stacey is one of those people who helped me fight against the darkness. I would not be who I am today, if she were not the friend she was back then.

Yes, there were others who helped too, but not like her. She was & is very different. One of her best assets is her ability to make others laugh, especially me. And back then, there wasn't much to smile about - much less laugh, but she always found a way. Not to mention, she has this uncanny no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is attitude, & I love that about her.

It brings me nothing but joy to share in her happiness to be a mother.

Some people who don't have children, but want them badly (like me), don't care to be happy for others who have what they desire. I am not that way. I just can't be. How can I not be happy for her? She would be happy for me, if the situation were reverse. As for her being a mother, just like she is a friend, she is a fantastic mother.

In fact, she waited, wanted, desired & prayed to be a mother for more than seven years, probably longer. And then, when she & her husband, Kevin, least expected it, along came Christian. In fact, Christian is due to have a sibling in March of 2010! How exciting! If you would like to know more about Stacey & her wonderful family, you can do so on her blog.

Now, back to the Birthday Boy... He the bluest eyes I think that I have ever seen. And trust me, I've seen some eyes!

His gaze is as intense as his eyes. It's as if he can see right through you to your soul. His smile can warm the coldest of nights & make the darkest of days bright. His laugh is infectious.

Never in my life have I seen cheeks like these or a dimple like this:
They just beg to be kissed, don't you agree?

So, Happy Birthday, Little Blue Eyed Dimpled Darling. May you continue to grow, be healthy & happy while bringing joy & laughter into every one's life that you touch. You are very loved & will grow up passing that love on in ways yet unknown. I just know you are destined to do great things!

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.