Dear Betsy: Four Days Gone

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson,
American essayist, lecturer, and poet,

(1803-1803)

*Photo Credit: Facebook

In Loving Memory of
Betsy Mitchell Henning

Dearest Betsy,

It's only been four days. Four days since you've been gone.  Four days since the planet cracked open leaving a gaping whole in my heart.  This seems surreal. I'm still shocked.  Still devastated.  Still absolutely heartbroken.  

And I'm not the only one.  There is a whole community grieving. In fact, anyone that ever loved you is missing you right at this very moment.  Anyone that ever had the privileged of being loved by you is feeling a void right now... a void that you once filled.

By your own words, you're a "knitter, writer, cook, designer, parent, wife, puppeteer, leader, teacher, extrovert, liturgist, crank" who lived life as a "suburban Bohemian." 

To me, you were a life-loving, deep thinking, pink hair donning, non-judgmental Christian who lived life free of the box that other's tend to be confined in.  You were a a free spirit whom creativity just poured out of. You were real. You were authentic.

You were my friend. And I loved you.

I will miss our deep conversations about life, love & God.  I will miss your quirky sense of humor, your laughter, your smile & ever-present authentic hugs that were filled with unconditional love. I will miss the way you lit up a room just by being in it. Oh, how I'll miss your light & how bright it shined.

I keep thinking of Eric & Ian, who just turned eight.  I can only imagine how they are feeling right now. I think of how they have to find a new normal.  How they must go on, without you.  Still, it seems surreal.

And, truthfully, I'm struggling with making sense of how a little boy is without his mom. Or a husband is without the wife that he has loved so much for so long.

Then I think of how both Eric & Ian are so dearly loved by many, including by the God who loves us so much more than we even realize.  And how His timing is perfect, whether we agree with it or not.

Yes, there are some things that we are not meant to understand on this side of heaven.

For now, I give thanks. For you.  For your life. For your friendship. For your love.  Oh, how it was a privileged to be loved by you.

Ah, yes... your love.  Because of the love that poured out of you in every way, you will live on.  You will not be forgotten.  You have left this world better than you found it, simply because you lived & loved freely.

Yes, we will carry you with us in our hearts always.  And your light & your love will live on forever.

Forever in my heart,

Joy Restored

Joy [joi]
noun

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

*Source: Dictionary.com

It happened shortly after the new year began.  I was given a unexpected gift.  Something beautiful.

God has restored my joy.

After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it -  joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.

People say I'm glowing.  They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.

Me, 2.1.2013

This is not happiness.  This is joy.  Pure joy.

It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it.  And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation.  This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.

Little has changed with my life.  We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul. 

Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.

Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Saying Sundays: Look Deeply

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer
b.1926

Aware

I would say that as I awoke this morning, this is the song that was playing as my alarm went off, which is all true - except the part of sleeping or waking up, as I should say.

Yes, losing my Dad yesterday is defiantly turning my world around & upside down.

Yes, in deed, I am aware now. And I am so thankful for the love of both my Fathers, in ways that you just cannot imagine.

You Love Me Anyway

Pearls of Wisdom

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

~~ Stephan Hoeller

(1931 - )

Writer, Scholar and Religious Leader

Dearest Theresa,

It's funny how friends pick up on littlest things. And I think it is ironic how we choose through our friendship, by the way we have designed it, to lift each other up, bc trust me when I say - not all friends do that.

I know you say that I have been a great friend to you, but you, Theresa, have been such a great friend to me as well. Never forget that.

For whatever reason, I'm struggling right now. I can't really tell you what I'm going through, partly bc it's hard to put into words & partly bc I don't want to put it into words, but know this... God has brought me to this wonderful place for His Glory. If you know me, & at this point I would say you have a good idea who I am, then you know that I don't witness very well... At least I don't think I do.

But nevertheless, I do witness in my own way bc for whatever reason, God has brought me through some pretty horrible unspeakable things - some things that no one knows to this day. And it is only through His love, His grace & His mercy that I am where I am. And not only where I am, but who I am.

So you may say that I, in a sense, have gained many pearls of wisdom along the way. Well, I don't know about wisdom, but I do know that I earned every one of those pearls.

I love you too.

Always Blessed,

TTC: Giving It to Him

Dear God,

I have had enough. So, I'm turning it all over to You & You alone. I can see things falling into place, but I know You see the the entire picture & this glorious plan You have chosen for me. You are what I am not... All seeing & knowing. I trust You, & only You.

It is just not up to me when I have a family or what family I have, just as I didn't chose what family I was born into. To others, they are not perfect, but they are the perfect family for me. You chose them for me, just as You will will chose me for someone I have not yet met. Someone already chosen. Chosen by You.

I am truly given this over to You. Every bit of it. For whatever reason, what I'm doing has not worked. I will no longer stress over things out of my control. At least not about this. You have a reason for it all, & that truly is enough for me.

So here I am, pondering this journey I have found myself on & this little thing called hope. Realizing that I would be nothing without You & Your unconditional love for me. I can't tell You why I know the things I do or I'm certain that everything will be okay, I just know it will be. I guess it's bc I know You.

I love You & I want to thank You for the mercy & grace You have chosen to bestow upon me. Thank You. Thank You for it all.

Forever Yours,

Bring the Rain: Coming Through Storms

I am blessed. I truly am.

Exhausted as I've been, I have not forgotten this. Dad's doctors have decided at this point that surgery is just a little too risky & are putting things in place for him to go home on IV antibiotics for one week, oral for the next & then they will reassess.

Don't be fooled. I'm not blessed bc my dad's not having surgery. I'm not that superficial - never have been. And I don't believe God - at least the one I believe in - is superficial either.

I find it funny how some praise God when life is great & blame him when things are not so great. Believe it or not, I used to be one of these people. I don't blame Him for anything now. I am a firm believer that when you know better, you do better. Or in this case, when you know better, you believe differently.

One of my favorite songs, puts into words how I'm feel. Take a listen:

The thing is, I would be nothing with Him. He has brought me through some amazing, treacherous storms. Storms that others may not have survive. Yet, here I am not only surviving, but thriving.

So, onward I go... praising with His Grace & blessings along the way.

Extraordinary Things

I haven't seen Jamie, since about 1997, which is something like a billion years ago or 13, depending on how you do the math. Truthfully, I must confess it seems like a lifetime ago, when I was a different person, & in so many ways, living a different life.

I met her in the summer of my 8th grade year, her 9th. I was working at what was to be my new high school that just happen to house the Summer Chorale Program for students throughout the county.

Our friendship began in the oddest of ways, although there was nothing extraordinary about the ordinary moments that lead up to how it began, or so I thought. I simply tagged along with some friends as they went to the local Friendly's after the Choir concert was over. When I got there, all the people that I knew were sitting at tables that were already full. I felt so out place.

I looked around & I asked Jamie, who I did not know at the time, if I could join her table & so I did. She wind up driving me home that night too. And for whatever reason that still baffles me to this day, we ended up having a four hour conversation in my driveway. And so our friendship began.

For reasons unknown to me, I trusted her right away. Although we had just met, I felt I had known her my whole life. She quickly became one of my best friends & truly loved me unconditionally, which was no easy task at the time.

The summer that we met was also the summer that I got diagnosed with depression & started counseling. Way back when I started this blog, I wrote this entry about my depression & yes, Jamie was one of the people that I was talking about when I wrote that entry. In fact, I remember writing it thinking of her, wondering where she was & if she would ever get the opportunity to see the person I am now.

Back then, I was not an easy person to love. At all. I was deep into my depression & very suicidal for many years, & could not see anything but darkness, so why live, right? I literally was living in hell, not getting a long with my mother, having an absent father who I hated for leaving me & spending hours upon hours at the bar instead of where I so desperately needed him to be - in my life.

And to top it all people were dying left & right. Death was all around me, I was so immersed in grief, I was beside myself. Oh yeah, and God? I was so angry at him it was not funny. I so desperately wanted to be loved by him, but I hated him for what my life had become.

For years, time & again, Jamie was always there for me. I am sure there are times when she wanted to be done with me, walk away & never look back. I'll say it again, I was not an easy person to love... but she did it anyway. I used to call her "my friend with a heart of gold" & trust me, it was the truth.

One day, we just grew apart. We were both busy in college. Our paths went in different directions. Over the years, I had always wondered about her, prayed for her, hoped she was doing well, hoped she was happy. Some time ago, we found each other on Facebook. And that led to last night.

Looking back, I am in awe at just how amazing God was. How amazing He is. God knew what he was doing when he made us friends. I will forever be thankful for the friendship we had, bc without it I don't know if I would be here, & there is only a handful of friends I can say that about.

I don't know if we will be friends again. I do not know if it's in His plan. What I do know is that, regardless of what may or may not happen in the future, I will forever be grateful that He can make extraordinary things from ordinary moments.

Jamie & Me, 6.18.2010

The Beauty of Easter

Now that I've reached the point in time where my friend Mandy was hospitalized last year & passed away nearly a month later, I've just been taking it day by day. Some days are better than others.

I will not lie. I was not looking forward to this Easter. Not in the least. It is sad that I can not remember last Easter. I vaguely recall taking pictures of my brother-in-law's family in front of the magnolia tree in the front yard.

I don't even think we went to church. If we did I cannot remember. All that I can remember is thinking, "I hope this is not Mandy's last Easter. I hope I have more time with her. Please God, don't take away my best friend. Please don't take away another one." Weeks later she was gone. And a piece of my soul went with her.

Traditionally, mom & I have spent more Easters apart in the passing years than not. Mostly bc she has chosen to spend it with friends who don't have the greatest houses to get into with a power chair. Sometimes it really sucks to not be as mobile as I have been in the past.

As a result, the last couple of years we got to spend Easter with friends & their families. Creating moments & memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. They are priceless.

With Mandy being gone almost a year now, I've been feeling out of sorts, kind of lost. Not really sad as much as people would wrongly assume, but more just trying to work through my grief the best way I know how - by embracing it & taking one day at a time... like I said some days are better than others.

Easter rolled around this time & we really didn't have a place to go, which only mirrored how disconnected & displaced I have been feeling lately. When my friend, Beth, found out we didn't have plans, she invited us to to spend the day with her & her husband Will & their families.

{Me & Beth 3.7.2010}

I must tell about them. They are absolutely two of the most amazing people God allowed to cross my path or is it me who crossed their path? Either way...it is not hard to understand why they are who they are once you meet their families.

I still do not know what I have done to deserve such an friend that have found in Beth. Both her & Will are the most genuine, loving, passionate, real, down-to-earth, funny, creative, faith-rooted, God loving, hard working, caring & compassionate people you will ever have the privilege to meet... if you ever do.

{Will & Jake, 3.7.2010}

They have the most incredible property and beautiful house. All of which was made with love, hard work, blood, sweat & tears, since they bought their house in 2003 in "as is" condition intent on fixing up to sell it so that they can build their dream house on another lot within the 11 acre property. After awhile of putting so many hours in on the house, they decided to stay right there.

I assured Beth that even though her house was a split level & filled with many steps that somehow we would make it work, using the old phrase, "Where there is a will, there is a way."I came armed with a power chair, a manual chair, two ramps & even a set of quad canes. I assured her that everything would be fine & I was sure that God would would work everything out. And even though I had know idea how it was going to work, I knew it would.

Turns out, Easter day was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. After this incredibly moving, tear jerking open prayer to God, to which I did nothing but think of Mandy as big, humongous, tears ran down my cheeks spilling over & over again - much like they are now as I type this - we all ate outside. The food tasted great & Beth's thoughtfulness & creatively was all around us. Can't you tell by the Little Butter Lamb?

And as luck would have it - although I don't believe it was luck at all - my power chair just fit through her side door to her bottom level giving me access to it & a bathroom {:) Seriously. As the night wore on & the other company left, Beth & I chatted as we sat on the sofa as our men did dishes upstairs & chatted themselves. After Will went to bed, Jake came down stairs & eventually fell asleep, but Beth and I chatted on the sofa til 2 AM.

I must tell you - it has been quite a while, years even, since I felt so welcomed at someone's house. Throughout the day, I continually felt so unconditionally loved & supported, regardless of who I was, how I felt, or what I've been though.

Tears flow as I'm writing this... God is amazing. He makes sure we have what we need when we need it, just as He did when He made sure I was surrounded by the perfect people. I know, without a doubt, Mandy's in Heaven, no longer confined to a broken body with limitations. I miss her so much at times that I physically want to scream out in pain. But I know that bc she believed in Him, I will see her again. That is the beauty of sacrifice & Easter.

Rain, Rain

Today, is a dreary day. Rain pours down from the Heavens.

The last few days in Maryland have been beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. And my mood has been uplifted. The radiant sun, clear blue skies have been healing for me. I could do nothing but soak it all in.

Friday night, Jake & I found ourselves on a unexpected long ride in the country side. The windows were down, wind whipping through my long chestnut hair, radio blaring Christian songs of surrender & renewal. It was the kind of moment, I never ever wanted to end.

Today, is very different though. I ache & am in pain. I find myself trying my hardest to not let effect my mood. So, instead of focusing on how I feel today, I turn my attention to what lies ahead - beautiful days of Spring. And reminding myself, that it is dreary rainy days like these that make the beautiful days ahead more breathtaking.

His Hands

I stumbled upon this blog today. I had never visited it before. I stayed around & read some. Although I do not know her, Michaela & I have a lot in common.

I found this video she posted & it spoke to me. You know, sometimes something just comes a long at the right time...

Your Hands

By: JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble

I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That You would take my pain away

That You would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right

Yeah, one day You will set all things right.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands.

Your hands -

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave You when.

When my world is shaking Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave...

I never leave Your hands.

Running Fast

The sun is shinning. It is a new day. And it is beautiful.

There is no doubt that Spring is around the corner. I can't wait.

There is something that happens when I step into the sun & breathe the fresh air in deeply. All of a sudden, I feel connected. At peace. And even though I know everything may not turn out how I would like it to be, it's going to be okay.

I do not know how I know that - I just do. I deeply desire to return to when things were simple, not so complicated. Go to back to basics. Strip it all away. Cherish & hold close what is most important in life.

My days, weeks, & months leading up to this point, have been extremely to complex, sometimes even too complicated for words. My thoughts, although fewer than in the days passed, are still complicated; however, I can think more clearly & it is not overwhelming at all now.

If you were to asked me what has changed, I cannot tell you. I cannot tell you what I do not know. It is as simple as that. I still have many thoughts & many, many feelings. They haven't gone any where. They are still there. Waiting in the background.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I willfully soak it in, for as ever long. It's almost as if I woke up covered in God's mercy. As if he has said, "That's enough, my child, come to me & rest."

And, tired & exhausted, I ran... As fast as I could.

Lent: Exposed (Day 8)

Do you ever feel like you just want to slow down? That life goes by so fast & is way too complicated? That's how I feel at the moment.

Whatever happened to keeping things simple. Doing things bc you want to, not bc you have to. Taking the time to catch up with friends or make new ones bc you want to connect more, desiring nothing more than to connect to people on a deeper level.

Being truthful, honest & authentic to the core - stripping everything away & saying this is me. This is who I am. This is who God created me to be. Gone is the defense mechanisms, the walls, the hesitations, the lies that we hold in place to keep us safe. To be exposed.

Yes, I gave up avoidance for Lent. My attempt to be more authentic, more real. To embrace the growth & change that is happening within me. To continue on this journey I have found myself on. A very unexpected, unplanned journey to live as truthful & authentic as I can - no matter the cost.

Though unplanned - it is not unwanted. This journey is not easy &, at times, is scary as hell. I have to resist my urge to run. Hide. And Avoid. I would be lying if I told you there weren't times that I want to quit - throw in the towel - surrender. This is just too painful at times. To drag out in the open all the dirt, all the muck, the things hidden in the dark - crammed way in the back -hoping to be forgotten.

To be exposed. To be vulnerable. Risking it all for the sake of me. The me that I was always meant to be.

I am not alone on this journey but sometimes, I feel alone. Especially, when I am going through tough stuff that I'm keeping to myself, which is apparently a pattern me. Who knew?

So, silently I pray. Talk to Him. Hoping for something to make sense. Bc with Him, I am already vulnerable. Already exposed. Still I wonder, if that is enough.

Lent: Distractions (Day 5)

In church yesterday, I was distracted. Trying really hard to listen to the message, my mind raced. Not bc our Sr. Pastor, Matthew, couldn't keep my attention, but bc I just couldn't stop thinking about so many other things.

What the heck was I thinking giving up avoidance for Lent? This is a lot more challenging than I thought. And out of my comfort zone I certainly am. Really, I should have thought this through more. It's no wonder I am distracted. I can't avoid anything. Darn it. I have to do things, deal with thoughts & feelings I would rather not & have conversations I have been dodging. Not to mention, life is a little crazy to say the least.

In case you are wondering, Dad did fine - thankfully so - with his heart surgery on this past Friday. It was his second heart surgery in 7 days. He is home now & hopefully taking it as easy as he can. Again, I found myself alone at the hospital, which I am okay with, as always.

The funny thing is though I am never alone. God, for many reasons (I think), made sure of that. He's funny that way. {:) For whatever reason, if for no other reason then to have a distraction while dad was in surgery & I needed to just talk to someone about my dad & anything & everything but my dad.

So, unexpectly, I found myself on the phone with my friend Beth. I so love her. We get each other on so many levels. And there is something to be said of true friendship that is nothing but authentic. She has given me much more than she will ever know.

Over six years ago, on my first day at my church, she is the first person who came up to me & introduced herself. She works at the church, but she's one of those people who loves her job - gives way too much of herself - often going far beyond the call of duty - & doesn't know how to be anything but genuine. Truly, we were destined to be friends. And trust me, there are not many who I say that about.

Perhaps that is why I was a little distracted yesterday. It was the day that the church announced that - after 10 years of service - Beth was leaving her job, even though her official last day is a few weeks from now.

The good thing is she's leaving her job, but not the church. And even if she were to leave the church, I don't have any worries bc we would still be friends anyway {:). I just wouldn't get one of her great hugs every Sunday (I shudder at the thought). Her hugs, are often one of things I look forward to every week.

The thing is, as hard as this may be for her, it's a good thing. She's leaving to pursue other aspects of her life. And bc I know Beth, she will have no problem staying active in the church - just as a member, that's all. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. This was so not an easy decision for her. And as her friend, I am excited to see where her path leads her now.

Being her friend, I couldn't help but share in joys & sorrows, shedding many tears right along with her. Knowing what a difficult day that it would be & that her birthday is next Sunday, I did what I do best & made her something. It turned out awesome & says volumes. I guess in a sense I used it as a form of distraction. It was as much for her as it was for me.

Maybe not all distractions are a bad thing after all.

This Is The Truth

If everything goes alright, when this post goes live, I will be on my way to get my broken wheelchair fixed, so I really won't have time to write a post like I want.

As luck would have it, I don't have to bc I was reading one of the blogs I follow called, When Hello Means Goodbye. If you have never had a chance to get to know Kate & her story, I would encourage you to stop by her blog.

I will be forever grateful to her for posting this video yesterday. And it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. It literally blew me away. And for those who know me well, that is really difficult to do...

Moments

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

Historically, I haven't been fond of this holiday. For starters, it was the day many, many years ago now that I picked to get married to my former fiance, Mark. As if I'm speaking a foreign language, it has always seemed strange to me to call him my former fiance & I must admit I have always struggled with what to call him exactly.

We never broke up. We just didn't call it a day & move on going our separate ways. We just didn't decide not to do it. One day, just an ordinary day like any other, Mark was killed by a drunk driver.

Perhaps it is the years gone me that has changed things, but I still view him as A Stepping Stone. A place that I was so meant to be at in the moment, but just wasn't meant to stay. At the time, I didn't see it that way, but I do now.

Again, God's timing & plan are perfect. Just perfect. He had other plans for me. Other purposes. Things just were not meant to happen they way I thought they were going to or how I thought they should be.

I must admit, it feels a little strange to say that pertaining to Mark. Almost as if it were to make who he was to me less important. Or the lessens I learned from him less valuable. I know this isn't true, but part of me feels as if it true. Let me say it again, I know this is not true, but sometimes, it feels true.

Sometimes it is difficult to wish life was different. How we wanted or planned vs. in reality what is. I can't do that though. I can't live in the past. I can't play the what if game.Doing that doesn't serve me (or anyone around me) well. I have learned that living in the past should not be done. Bc when you live in the past, you miss the present. You miss the moments. The moments that life is all about.

So, yesterday, was awesome. It was filled with ordinary, not so extraordinary moments. Being ever so thankful, not living in the past, praising & being in awe of it all moments. Spending time with the one I was meant to be with. Reflecting on the past, but living in the present. Taking not one single circumstance or second for granted.

Update: In The Storm

I thought it was about time that I do an update on this entry that I wrote about the current circumstance that my family is in.

My brother, Lea walked away without a scratch really & now days later there is really no pains from the accident. From what I'm being told by others, like my sister-in-law, it is truly a miracle. I am so very thankful that he wasn't hurt.

Dad on the other hand is doing not so good. A little after midnight this morning, he was transferred to another local hospital & will have heart surgery early Friday morning. His internal defibrillator is baffling them, they are not sure why it is malfunctioning, but they want to go in & change it as soon as they can*. Early yesterday, before they knew what they know now there was talk of his discharge. But, upon examination &, they fear that if he goes into heart failure, it will not do it's job, not have enough power, &/or malfunction & it will not restart his heart.

*At least that is what he was told until he called me about an hour ago. Now they don't want to change his defibrillator, but do an ablation, like they did before in August of 2009.

This is so frustrating. I want to know what's going on, first hand. I want to talk to the doctors & nurses & ask questions. Not get my information from an exhausted father, who is needs oxygen, is tired of talking & his heart beating fast. What's frustrating is I am stranded, inside bc there is an insane amount of snow outside. It is a state emergency. Only emergency vehicles allowed on the road. Not loving daughters* who have sick fathers in the hospital. Can you imagine being alone & having to wait for everything? For your love ones to show up? For the doctors to help you. To just feel better?

* Don't forget the added challenge of the battle between power chair & snow & ice.

I also got a call from my mom today. Having a serious case of cabin fever, it seems that yesterday before Round 2 of this blizzard fell upon us, she went out. Upon returning, as she was turning on to her street, she got rear ended by the car behind her that saw her blinker, tried to stop, but slid into the back of her. She is okay for now.

So, that's where I am right now. I'm trying hard not to feel overwhelmed & to just do anything I can, which is basically praying. Sometimes, no matter how much I may want to do more, praying is the only thing I can do.