Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Lent 2011: 2 AM Anxiety Freak Out (Day 3)

It's 2 AM & I can't sleep. Anxiety is getting the best of me.

In 11 days, I am going to friendnap Theresa & take her away out of state for the day. She has no clue where we are headed & I love it that way, so I'll leave where we are going a mystery on here too. At least for now. {:)

For hours now, I have felt nauseated. There is no doubt that I'm being triggered badly & I hate it. Really, really, really hate it.

About a day ago or so, I wrote her an e-mail. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate email & that it isn't my favorite choice of communication ever. There is some things that I need to share with her. These things are personal & private. Very personal & very private.

So There are things I need to share that - well, I'm scared to share. Afraid to say. As if they will be real when I speak them. Unable to try & convince myself that it didn't happen.

Not to me. Not again.

I feel as if I'm a child again keeping secrets. God, I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Literally.

Other then Jake, who only knows bc he is my husband (& well, how could he not know?), I have only told one other person & when that happened it slipped out - in some sort of anxiety-ridden frenzy that was induced by the life events which has occurred these last several months.

If it were up to me - no one would know. Hell, if it were up to me, it wouldn't have happened at all. The truth is I feel so much guilt & shame. I just want it to stop. I want to let it go.

I hate what my life has become.

I'm afraid if I speak out loud, it will change our friendship. I am afraid she won't love me anymore. Bc, let's face it - how in the world could anyone do that, right? I'm a little crazy. Or at least it feels that way.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing.

I have to let go. I have to let go of this. I can't hold onto it anymore. After all, I'm supposed to working on letting go of things for Lent. Right?

We will still be friends. She will still love me. I know this. How? Bc I know her. It's as simple as that. And she will - love me no matter what. She has told me so. And I believe her.

Even though I know that is the the truth, it doesn't feel true. Somewhere along the way, somethings happened to make the truth feel wrong. Lies that are embedded in my brain that I'm not even conscience of are influencing me & my behavior. Those lies need to go away. Go away now.

I need TPM. Seriously.

I am second guessing myself. And I need to stop. Why does every freaking thing need to be so complicated? Friendnapping was supposed to be fun. How did this happen?

I hold my head in my hands & know that it is only a matter of time. I just pray that the words will come when they are meant to come & they are received gently & met with love.

And in the end, I am, indeed, loved no matter what.

Eight Days

Amanda Lynn Ways

October 21, 1976 - April 23, 2009

Dear Mandy,

It's been eight days since you left us, and it's hard to believe your gone. You are the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of when I awake - that's if I get sleep at all. It is hard to put almost two decades of friendship into words, almost an impossible task.

What we had, is what I hope everyone finds in her lifetime - a true unconditional friendship that withstands anything and everything. Sure there were times when our lives took different paths, as life has a tendency to do, but our path always lead us back, as if no time had past at all.

Sometime soon, I must find the words to thank Dina. Who knew that when she introduced us that she had unknowingly gave us both such a wonderful gift. Each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be friends. I'm sure years later, we would have met through Lynne and Bob, but it wouldn't have been the same. Those first years of our friendship are priceless and irreplaceable. I've always believed that God gives you what you need when you need it the most, and that is so true with us.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your ever so detailed stories. I miss your corky sense of humor that you inherited from your dad. I miss your tell it like it is attitude that you inherited from your mom. I miss your spunk. And I miss your spirit.

They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. I truly believe you knew you were leaving us, before any of us knew. Over the last few days, I have heard from many people, time and time again, tell me just how lucky and blessed you were to have me as a friend. That may be true, but I see it differently - I am the lucky one and I'm the blessed one because you were my friend. You truly were a gift to not only me, but this world.

Please watch over us from Heaven, my beautiful butterfly. I love you.

Love Always and Forever,