Waiting For Something Better

It has been forever since I have written. In reality, only 6 days, but if feels like forever.

Christmas is in 3 days & I'm not ready. The tree is up with lights, but it is not decorated. Saturday came & went & dumped 2 feet of snow upon us. It is a mess in Maryland.

Everything is in slow motion & I hate it. I am not being humbugish, but it is true that I just want this holiday to go away. I want nothing more then to wake up on the 26th & things to be done & over with.

I just don't have my heart into it this year. I miss Mandy, Momma Nancy, Lynne & Pete. Oh how I wish I had a child to throw my energy into right at the moment, but I don't. Not that a child would make it all better.

I'm a firm believer in children should not be born with a job, such as those who have children in an attempt to save a relationship*. However, I know me & the truth is that I know that if I were a mom at this very moment, I would focus on making Christmas enjoyable for my child.

*Let me make it clear that even though Jake & I are having our struggles at the moment, our marriage itself is not in jeopardy.

Truthfully, I want nothing more then to make this holiday about me connecting with my husband & us both connecting with the God who wants nothing but the best for us.

It seems that over time this holiday has lost its focus. Family dwindles away. It becomes about what you get instead of focusing on what you already have & the intrinsic things you can give or the gifts that cost nothing.

And another thing - while I love & am very grateful for the children that our a part of our lives - I get tired of being Aunt Shannon to OPC* sometimes & wonder when it's our turn to be parents.

* Other People's Children

The most frustrating thing at the moment is trusting. Truthfully, I will readily tell you that I have trust issues. I always have. And I must admit that even as strong as my faith is sometimes those trust issues carry over to trusting God.

Over time, He has showed me that His plan that happens on His time is far more superior than my plan. In fact, it is not only superior, but the result that often occurs when I submit to His plan is far more greater than I have ever could have imagined.

So, for now I wait. Trying to trust bc I know there is something better for me. There has to be.

A Stepping Stone

Days turn to nights and then days again here. It is an unending cycle. It's hard to believe that it has been a week since my last entry. Valentine's Day came and went. What a wonderful day it was, although it was nothing special about it.

Jake and I spent the day together, and watch a very thought provoking movie called "Fireproof." It's a Christian based movie about marriage. I highly recommend watching it if you are a Christian or married, and it's a must see if you are both.

I have come to not mind Valentine's Day, which is a great improvement then in the past. I hated that day, more than all the rest.

It was the day one of my friends committed suicide and the day I was originally supposed to marry Mark, my "former" fiancee (same day, different years). I used the word former lightly because I think it is awkward to refer to him as that even now, many years later.

See, before we were to marry, Mark was killed by a drunk driver. I guess you could say that his death taught me many lessons. The most important lesson it taught me was my plans had nothing if little to do with God's plan and that is the plan that really mattered most of all.

I guess what changed it for me was looking at what I did have vs. what could have been. Mark was a very important part of my life, and as I see it now, a stepping stone. He very much had a purpose in my life teaching me how to love and how to be loved most of all.

I am a better person because he loved me, truly unconditionally. The ironic thing is when the pain of losing him was so fresh, so new, so deep, I couldn't imagine my life with out him.

Now, my life is not only without him but if I didn't lose him I would not have so many wonderful things in my life, like Jake and his family.

I guess it really is true - Everything does happen for a reason, although the reason may not reveal itself until years later, long after you've stepped off that stepping stone.