Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Lent 2011: These Late Nights Are Killing Me (Day 8)

Dear T,

It's 4:30 AM & again, I can't sleep. I've been up all night or damn near it in pain. I think rain is near. Its either that or just the change in the weather in general.

Gosh, I can't wait for Wednesday. I am so very ready to tell you everything that I have been holding in. That's a good thing, I guess.

The funny thing about secrets & keeping them is they often hurt the one they are meant to protect. And they often gain power the longer we hold them in.

I'm working on letting things go for Lent. Or trying anyway. Nothing specific, just letting things go in general.

My computer hasn't worked right for days now. Something is wrong with the screen. I can tell you first hand that writing emails to you all via my cell phone is not at all fun, but at least it clears my head a bit, so I tolerate it.

Funny thing when you hugged me last night & said things will get better, I believed you. I know it will get better. It's just a matter of time really.

I have a funny feeling that after we talk & I tell you everything I will feel so much better. The crazy thing is that our friendship is so built on faith & honesty that it feels like lying by not being open & honest with you, which has seem to complicate things a bit.

Jake's alarm should be going off in a little while. Gosh, no one quite understands just how much I love him. He puts up with a lot stuff. Granted, I put up with a lot of stuff too, only in a different way.

I am so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. So I'm going to let go a bit & stop fighting myself, hoping that will lead to sleep.In the meantime, keep praying for me. In much need of prayers.

I love you.

Always,

Four Months Gone

Funny how time drifts on, even if we don't want it too.

I've been thinking lately how strange it feels to exists without my dad. There are days that I have to remind myself that he is gone.

Still.

This seems like a very odd thing for me to have to do, yet there are days when I have to remind myself several times. And others where it is painfully clear.

It seems like I should be doing something. Like going to a hospital to visit him, picking up food from the store, taking him Christmas shopping, or logging on to play The West with him.

Christmas time doesn't feel very Christmassy this year. I am amazed that it is cold bc somewhere in my brain, I am stuck back in August - unable to compute that my world has ticked on for an entire quarter of a year without him.

My phone is still too silent. I suspect it always will be. I wonder how others have coped & if they struggled to find their place again, like me.

Two AM & I am still awake. I am always awake now, never able to seem to get whatever it is I need. My doctor says this is what it is like to grieve for a parent. Or so he has heard. So vastly different than any other grief.

I should say so.

And will say so.

Four months. Gone.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

Midnight Thoughts

It's a little after midnight on Saturday morning. Time is tick, tick, ticking away & I don't seem to be winding down for bed anytime soon. Although I am extremely exhausted.

Only hours ago, Dad got released from the hospital with a PICC line & will be on IV antibiotics & then oral after that. Hopefully, this will nix this infection & he will not be need for surgery.

Stress is funny. And my body reacts to stress all the time. I hate to say that I'm in pain, but I am. And things between Jake & I have been strained for days. Again, I so need him to be my safe place to fall & truthfully, I don't know if he knows how to be that.

I love him so much. And we've been getting along better than ever. Seriously. My marriage has never been better. It's difficult though when both of us are pulled in what seems like in a million different directions, both by our own devices & by family.

I just need time away. There is a part of me that desperately needs to connect, not only to Jake, but close friends as well. The ones who truly know me & who love me, without condition. I need to be recharged {:)

So, hopefully, things will fall into place soon... for everyone. Until then, I'll just keep typing out my thoughts & praying, knowing that things will happen when & how they are supposed to be.

Sleep awaits.

Out of Reach

It's nearly 7:30 AM & I've had an sleepless night. I wanted this post to be wordless, maybe a cute picture of my friend Stacey's child Christian, but that will have to wait.

Dad is going to be transferred to Hopkins today. As of the day before last, he has had 19 rounds of antibiotics. I know that it is more by now. When he gets transferred, he will undergo an operation to clean out the infection that is in defibrillator site.

I cannot lie, I am worried. There is a unsettling feeling within me. I'm am sure things will turn out to be okay. It's just that this infection is an abscess is in his heart. No doubt, this operation is more complicated than in the past.

Usually, I have a calmness about me when it comes to days like these. It is a calmness that I miss, like a best friend has gone away or is just out of reach. I know, with all the logic that I possess, that God has a plan & it is His, not mine. He is in control, not me. Somehow that should make me feel better, but it doesn't - not this time.

I don't even know if they will do anything today besides transfer him. I guess that is part of what is adding to my feelings, not knowing. It is long distance from the current hospital to call me, so right now, I just have to call every couple of hours to see what's going on & gather information as I can.

Until then, I will pray. And hope that calmness come into reach soon.

Fun

{Note: As painful as it may be for me to leave this post in it's true unedited form, that's how it's staying... To stay true to myself & the state of being, at the moment. Oh, and note to self: Maybe e-mails shouldn't be the only things to stay unwritten in sleepless states.}

It's 3 AM Thursday morning. We have to stop meeting like this. My husband leaves for work in 3 hours & the only thing that is beside him is the dog. That's what you get when you have an insomniac for a wife I suppose. And that's a damn shame.

I wonder if that ever bothers him? A while back when he worked for another company & on the night shift, it drove me crazy him not being here to sleep beside me. You think I have trouble sleeping now, you should have seen me then. I would go weeks without sleeping. You think I'm kidding.

Now, Jake - he's a different story. He can & would sleep standing up, if I let him. He has had no trouble what so ever falling asleep - as soon as he head hits the pillow. In fact, it took me longer to type that last part of that sentence than it takes him to sleep. I counted once. It wasn't even 3 seconds. Seriously.

My inability to sleep gets worse with worry & stress, something that I fully admit I have not had a handle on lately. I wish I could say I did. I feel like I'm rambling with long draw out sentences. I often repeat myself & talk in circles when I get like this. Oh, did I tell you that I got less than a hour last night too?

I'm trying to resist the urge to write a email to a friend of mine. I have a bad - I mean really bad - habit of writing e-mails when I'm exhausted &/or emotional. It's such a bad combination for me. Although I do try to live life with out regret, sometimes I regret doing things when I am in a state like this. It's as bad as if I were drunk. Can you just imagine?

So tired that if I actually tried to walk, assuming that I walked like I used to & wasn't stuck in this stupid chair, I would fall over. You know, I actually had some dumb guys say to me a few weeks ago how fun it must be to ride around in a chair all day. Are you freaking kidding me? Now, these guys were like early 20s. Old enough to know better. Oh, I'm sorry... What's that you say? Common sense & tact doesn't come with age? Go figure.

I guess it would be fun for them. They can get up & out of it whenever they want. If they can't reach the food in the refrigerator or the dishes in the cabinet & they have to use a reacher that is not only always getting misplaced (yes, all 4 of them at once, at times) bc some adults can't tell some children that those are not toys or better yet, when grown adults use them to reach trash under beds that Pee Wee gets into bc someone can't take the 15 minutes it takes to make a holder for the trash cans in the house that would raise them not only out of Pee Wee's reach, but put it in better reach for me.

Or how about the friends & family's houses you can't get into bc you used to walk, but now need a chair & even when you can get into the door you better pray that you don't have to go to the bathroom bc it's up a flight of stairs, so you not only start worrying about it the day before, but also, have to restrict your fluids so you don't have to pee, which

A) causes a lot of commotion & trouble just trying to get to the toilet,

B) you must drag the portable commode in your van (don't forget the TP), so if you got to go, you can go in there,

C) you have to leave the party early to either call it a day & go home before you have to pee, or

D) leave the party find the nearest public toilet, then decide if you want to go through the hassel of getting back in to the party!

When, in reality, all you simply want to do is spend time with your love ones & take some damn pictures. Oh, but wait, what's that you say? You didn't even get invited to that party bc someone assumed that you couldn't find someway in or some way around those steps to get access to the party or the bathroom, so they just took upon themselves to rudely exclude you rather than invite you anyway & let you decide what you can & can't do & if the hassle is worth it.

Yes, sir! It is so fun being in this chair. Bc why wouldn't it be? Then you just wouldn't have to use the two good healthy legs that God gave you. You could zoom around all day long have races with your other wheelchair buddies bc, you know, that's what I do with my time. When I'm not sitting in some field trying to watch my nephews play soccer, and go it move, but... wait, call your friend over (you know the strong one, who uses his God given legs) bc your stuck in the mud bc the ground is soft from it raining 3 days before - & normally if you were walking you wouldn't notice, but the longer you sit in one spot, the deeper the chair sinks bc of the weight.

So keep looking. Seriously, take a good long look at what fun this chair is. Go ahead. Look. And while you're at it, take your freedom for granted. Bc, well... you know... there's nothing better to do.

A Storm's A Brewing

It's almost 2 AM & I can't sleep. I am in a lot pain. If my body is any indication, there is a storm heading our way.

So much pain that I'm not in my chair or on my computer while writing this, but instead in my bed & on my phone. Something I don't often I assure you.

Beside me Jake has been sleeping for hours. That man literally falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Having had problems sleeping most of my life, it is no secret that I envy him for just that alone.

I hate nights like this bc my mind is always thinking of things. There is no off switch. I have always been a worrier. Sometimes, I truly hate it... who in their right mind would actually likes to worry?

I am exhausted. So, I think I'll try & lay here & pray that I drift off soon.

Wordless Wednesday: 3:38 AM Peaceful Sleep

Through The Darkness

It's nearly 1 AM in the morning. Jake is snoring and Pee Wee, our 5 year old miniature dachshund, who is more dachshund than miniature, is nestled under the cover beside him.

Ever since I was a teenager I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know exactly how or why it started, but my guess is that my disturbance in my sleep started long before I got diagnosed with severe depression the summer of my eighth grade year.

I am okay now, not suffering from depression and obviously not needing to be on medication for it. The meds were the worse and sometimes I think they did not help as much as they hindered.

Not to talk bad about medication, as that is not my intention. I'm just saying I remember times when I was on the with meds and until we found the right medication and dose, everything was intensified. Put that together with the nasty, harsh, and sometimes unbearable side effects, and it truly was pure hell. God forbid, I was on a med that worked for me and my body built up a tolerance and the med just didn't work anymore. It truly became a vicious cycle and a waiting game.

I would not wish depression on my worst enemy. I am lucky I am still alive. Despite the meds and the countless hours of counsiling, I readily welcomed death numerous times, too many times to count.

If someone asked me to tell them where I was going to be in a week, I honestly could not tell them because all I saw was blackness. I not only attempted suicide but came very close to being successful several times. It was never for attention. I wanted the pain and torture to end and I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything.

Depression is tricky. To someone who does not understand it, it is not something you can just "get over" or "think happy thoughts" to "cure." I just wish everyone saw and understood it for what it truly was - a disease.

So how did I get through it? Well, it was not an easy thing to do, especially since my battle with it lasted a few years short of two decades. It was a day by day, hour by hour and, sometimes, minute by minute struggle. Whatever pulled me through the day, I grasped onto knowing that there just had to be something better than the dark days I faced.

However, the real credit goes to my friends because with out them, I would not have survived. Sometimes, I battled with them more than I battled myself. There were a lot of phone calls, late nights, a river's worth of tears, angry words and lots of questions.

These friends were - and still are -amazing. A lot of those friends are still a part of my life, but not all... Even though I may have lost touch, grown apart, went a different path than some of them, it does not mean that I am not thankful for what they gave me.

All of those friends were the ones who believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. They were the lights in my darkness and they gave me what I needed to truly live.