Dear Betsy: Four Days Gone

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson,
American essayist, lecturer, and poet,

(1803-1803)

*Photo Credit: Facebook

In Loving Memory of
Betsy Mitchell Henning

Dearest Betsy,

It's only been four days. Four days since you've been gone.  Four days since the planet cracked open leaving a gaping whole in my heart.  This seems surreal. I'm still shocked.  Still devastated.  Still absolutely heartbroken.  

And I'm not the only one.  There is a whole community grieving. In fact, anyone that ever loved you is missing you right at this very moment.  Anyone that ever had the privileged of being loved by you is feeling a void right now... a void that you once filled.

By your own words, you're a "knitter, writer, cook, designer, parent, wife, puppeteer, leader, teacher, extrovert, liturgist, crank" who lived life as a "suburban Bohemian." 

To me, you were a life-loving, deep thinking, pink hair donning, non-judgmental Christian who lived life free of the box that other's tend to be confined in.  You were a a free spirit whom creativity just poured out of. You were real. You were authentic.

You were my friend. And I loved you.

I will miss our deep conversations about life, love & God.  I will miss your quirky sense of humor, your laughter, your smile & ever-present authentic hugs that were filled with unconditional love. I will miss the way you lit up a room just by being in it. Oh, how I'll miss your light & how bright it shined.

I keep thinking of Eric & Ian, who just turned eight.  I can only imagine how they are feeling right now. I think of how they have to find a new normal.  How they must go on, without you.  Still, it seems surreal.

And, truthfully, I'm struggling with making sense of how a little boy is without his mom. Or a husband is without the wife that he has loved so much for so long.

Then I think of how both Eric & Ian are so dearly loved by many, including by the God who loves us so much more than we even realize.  And how His timing is perfect, whether we agree with it or not.

Yes, there are some things that we are not meant to understand on this side of heaven.

For now, I give thanks. For you.  For your life. For your friendship. For your love.  Oh, how it was a privileged to be loved by you.

Ah, yes... your love.  Because of the love that poured out of you in every way, you will live on.  You will not be forgotten.  You have left this world better than you found it, simply because you lived & loved freely.

Yes, we will carry you with us in our hearts always.  And your light & your love will live on forever.

Forever in my heart,

Sayings Sunday: As If

"Every day should be passed as if it were to be our last."

~ Publilius Syrus,

Writer of maxims, flourished in the 1st century BC

Joy Restored

Joy [joi]
noun

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

*Source: Dictionary.com

It happened shortly after the new year began.  I was given a unexpected gift.  Something beautiful.

God has restored my joy.

After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it -  joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.

People say I'm glowing.  They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.

Me, 2.1.2013

This is not happiness.  This is joy.  Pure joy.

It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it.  And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation.  This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.

Little has changed with my life.  We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul. 

Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Friend Request

It's going to rain, I can feel it in my bones.  It's been off & on rain for days now.

From my window, I watch a man, who's wearing a wife-beater & has his long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, push an older man in a wheelchair down the middle of our one-way street. Secretly, I wonder what their stories are.

We all have a story.  Some more complicated & complex than others, but it is ours nonetheless.  We can choose to share it or not, with whomever we want.

Likewise, it is like that with our lives too.  Complicated & complex. Share it or not. Sometimes we don't have a choice of who is in our lives, other times we do.  It's just the way things happen.

People annoy me right now.  I just don't have the time, energy or desire to deal with people & their complexities when I have my own.

And, I am definitely not accepting any new friends. Request denied. Or so I thought.

I met Kate exactly a month ago yesterday.  She works at a place that I have chosen to invest my time, energy & love into. Somewhere that holds a very special place in my heart, but that's another post for another time.

When started volunteering there, I didn't expect to become friends with anyone. I didn't even try.  At all.

So imagine my surprise when Kate & I quickly became friends. It feels like we have known each other for forever.  I can't tell you how many times we have said how our friendship feels so easy.  Almost as if we're sisters.

It's been decades since I have made a friend so effortlessly, as it seems natural, totally different than my newly-formed friendships have felt in the past.  Kate & I are very alike in many ways.  Our husbands even get along.  In fact, they are similar in ways too. Go figure.

Since I'm struggling right now, I find it ironic that when I'm retreating from others, I want to be around Kate.  With all my trust issues, you would think I would run from her as fast as I can, but I don't.  Or at least I'm trying very hard not to run, wanting to hide.

She has been an amazing friend to me, which truly sounds strange given that she hasn't been my friend for long.  She probably would say the same about me.  You'd have to ask her though.  I try not to speak for my friends, especially when they can speak for themselves just fine.

With her, my walls are up, then they're down, then they're up again.  And that's okay.  It has to be at the moment, because I just don't have the energy for one more thing in my life not to be okay right now.  I'm more than grateful that she's patient with me.

So for now, as I struggle on, I give thanks all the blessings in my life.  Especially the beautiful ones that I didn't see coming.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Forever Blessed

Sometime in the early morning, I will awake & know I'm only hours away from seeing her.  For the love of the good Lord above, I do not know how so much time has passed. Nine years or nearly that to be exact.

I am forever blessed bc Deanna has loved me for so many years.  Thinking back, she has loved me when I made it difficult to love me.  I think that of a lot of my friends whom I have known for so long, not just Dee.

Still. She loved me through the depression, through the tough stuff, through the unspeakable stuff, even when I pushed her away.  She assures me that our friendship was never one sided, but over the years, I have felt, & remembered back, that it was.  Or at least it felt that way.  To me, she has always given more to me than she has taken.  I feel blessed that she feels this is not true.

I will see her & meet two of her three precious kids, another visible reminder of truly how much time has passed.  And I can't wait.  Deep down, I wish - hope, really - that one day she will meet my kids too. God willing.

I am nervous, but I'm unsure why.  Maybe it's bc I am unable to hide from her. She can see right through me.  She always could.  And the truth is, I've been hiding a lot.  In the unwritten blog posts, from friends, still unable to speak abt certain things out loud.

I will be okay though. I know it.  I've had some set backs, but I've also had some breakthroughs. Thank God for breakthroughs... breakthroughs & friends who will stand with me through the tough stuff.

I am blessed.  Forever blessed.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Reflections of Christmas 2011

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on His shoulders.
And He will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ~ Isaiah 9:6 (NIV) 
Every once in a while, something will happen that is extraordinary, even among the ordinary moments.

This Christmas we were extraordinarily blessed. We were blessed in many ways, & many of those ways were not tangible. And sometimes, the greatest gifts in life cannot be held.

Meaning has not been lost on me that a tiny child was sent to earth so that I can be saved, & live forever.  Likewise, I realize that God, the same God who loves us enough to give us His one & only son, is a Loving Father, who has shown me His mercy & His grace in the simplest of ways.

There is something about where I am in life, that makes me want to see & appreciate the little simple things in life.  And deep down, I'm so very thankful for the smallest of things.

Whether it is a friend holding my hand through a grief service, or another amazingly dear friend doing the same during a Christmas Eve service. Sometimes, when things are difficult, all I really want - all I really need - is a loving hand to hold, bc sometimes it is all anyone can do.

I am still searching for normal. Unsure if I will ever find it again.  And bc I have no other choice, that will have to be okay.  I have to create my normal again, whatever that may look like.  It is up to me.

I am blessed that I have friends & family who love me,  who love & care for not only me but us. I am lucky that I have a husband who loves me.  And would literally do anything for me. Do you know what a blessing that is?




Me & Jake, Very Early Christmas Morning, 2011

This Christmas, I tried to stay focus on the little things, so it wouldn't make the big things, or the people I'm missing, or the one's for whom I am grieving, hurt so much. I've tried hard to honor where I am. To feel what I need to feel, rather than to deny it.

And I am glad to apreciate the smallest of things, noticing the extrordinary, amoung the ordinary.

Fall Into Place

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point. 

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late.  That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together.  They are & they're not.  Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not.  This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas.  Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again.  And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore.  I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad.  I miss other people, & "other things."  Secretly, I wonder if  there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are.  I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart.  I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place.  Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time.  That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through. 

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends.  Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked... 

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully.  As life & time ticks on.  I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith. 

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see.  Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.

Saying Sundays: Easter 2011

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances."

~Robert Flatt

Trying To Remember

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.


I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.

Blog Hop: Letter to the Teenage Me

{This Blog Hop has you write a letter to your younger self. Here is mine.}

Dear Shannon,

It'll be years before you'll understand this, but trust me, it's all true. I know your having a difficult time. Right now, you are deep into your depression, your relationship with your mom is hostile, your dad is no where to be found, your brother, Damon, is sick & Lea is just trying to do the best that he can to figure things out for himself.

I know you've lost so many friends & love ones to death & people who are trying to comfort you tell you that in time you will feel better. They mean well, but they are lying. It doesn't get easier. At all. There will always be an ache in your heart, like part of your soul is gone. You will never stop yearning to feel their presence or to get just one last day to spend with them. You will however get through it, but even then it will always hurt.

Believe it or not, you won't always be depressed. There is a light in this blackness that you feel, & one day, it will just be there. The truth is it's always been there. The darkness just covers it up & makes it hard to see. I know there are times when you want to die. Stick it out. Believe me, it'll all be worth it. And one day, you will be glad your attempts were not successful & others, some who you haven't even met yet, will be glad you are still here too.

Oh, and that God you are so mad at - He is still there too. Even as you say horrible things to Him, push Him away & blame Him for all the bad things in your life - He is still there. He will always be there. In fact, you will come to know Him on such a personal level, it may be hard for others to understand. That's okay, it doesn't matter who understands. Your realationship is personal. It is real. And full of love.

I know there are people you cling to right now. They are your best friends & they have pulled you some tough times & will pull you through things that haven't even happened yet. Right now, they are your world. And that's okay, for now...

Please trust me when I say, that some people - even your best friends - aren't meant to stay in your life forever. You will forever be thankful to them & they will always have a place in your heart. Believe me - a place in your heart & a place in your life are two different things.

I know you think you will never find someone to love. Who would love someone who is disabled & emotionally broken like you? Right? Wrong. You are oh so wrong. The truth is that we are all broken. Every single one of us. Not one of us is perfect, untouched, without flaws.

You will meet your husband in a couple of years, & even though she won't believe you, you will tell Thea that you are going to marry him someday. You will go away from him for many years, but God will make sure that just when you are content with who you are & where you are. It is then your paths will cross again.

Your marriage, like the rest of life, won't be easy. Especially, in the early years. You will come close to leaving him several times, but you stick it out. That's what you do. Besides, you realize that you love him too much to ever leave him.

As for being a mom, after trying for years, it'll happen when you least expect it. Even though there are times when you doubt, you know without question that God is in control. He will give you the perfect addition to your family that comes along at the perfect time. You see, as hard as it may be to see (& it's even more difficult to admit) God loves you & wants the best for you. And that means doing things on His time, not yours.

Trust me, Shannon, where I sit now is so far from where you sit as you read this. So far, in fact, that it will seem like two totally different lives of two totally different people. You will have changed so much.

You are strong. And it will be tough. Life is is no way ever easy. Ever. You will go through things that others can't comprehend. It's okay. Just remember that "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy." And in the end, you are never alone & are loved. Always.

With Love & Gratitude,

Saying Sundays: On Happiness

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Author of "Eat, Pray, Love"

Bring the Rain: Coming Through Storms

I am blessed. I truly am.

Exhausted as I've been, I have not forgotten this. Dad's doctors have decided at this point that surgery is just a little too risky & are putting things in place for him to go home on IV antibiotics for one week, oral for the next & then they will reassess.

Don't be fooled. I'm not blessed bc my dad's not having surgery. I'm not that superficial - never have been. And I don't believe God - at least the one I believe in - is superficial either.

I find it funny how some praise God when life is great & blame him when things are not so great. Believe it or not, I used to be one of these people. I don't blame Him for anything now. I am a firm believer that when you know better, you do better. Or in this case, when you know better, you believe differently.

One of my favorite songs, puts into words how I'm feel. Take a listen:

The thing is, I would be nothing with Him. He has brought me through some amazing, treacherous storms. Storms that others may not have survive. Yet, here I am not only surviving, but thriving.

So, onward I go... praising with His Grace & blessings along the way.

By His Grace

When I was at Beth's house for Easter, she asked me something that caught me off guard. Actually, she asked me two things that caught me off guard, but one question I've been thinking about more than the other. And the other will have to wait for another time & another post.

Catching me off guard is difficult to do. Every once in a while it happens though. It was innocent enough. Sitting on her couch talking about life. She was right - I've been through so much, more than most can imagine, more than she will ever truly know.

Her question? Simple. How can I have gone through so much & be like I am. The answer itself is just as simple. "By the grace of God go I." Without a pause, without nearly a second thought, those simple words said so much.

The truth is I've asked that same question myself, many, many times. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not on drugs. I'm not in a mental institution. I'm not laying in a bed somewhere curled up in a fetal position mindlessly rocking back & forth. I'm not dead, by neither my hand nor someone else's. Though given what I've been through, any one of those options would be understandable.

God's grace, His mercy & His love for me is the only answer that makes sense - not that it has to make sense at all. I was watching this show recently that airs on the USA Network called In Plain Sight. I would like to share a quote from a recent episode.

"We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love. People we don't. People caught in the middle. Even people who'd give anything if they would never, ever, get hurt again, but sometimes the hurt can't be avoided.

It's just coming at us & can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen. Or its lying next to us in the dark... waiting, but sometimes it doesn't come at all.

Sometimes we get this other thing that just flutters down out of nowhere that stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes, rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most & expect it the least, we get a break."

To me, that's what God's grace is... something that flutters down when I least expect it. God's mercy, on the other hand, gives me the much needed breaks in life, time & time again. I've been lucky enough that He has chosen to show me both His grace & His mercy countless of times, probably more often than I am even aware.

I am broken. Damaged. I don't deny it. I would be nothing without Him. Nothing. Without Him, I would, indeed, not be here. At the very least - if not dead - I would not be who I am. Every single event that has happened in my life - both good & bad - has made me who I am.

Not for a single second do I believe that God causes bad things to happen in my life. Or anyone else's for that matter. Although in confession, I have not always believed this. In years passed, I used to believe that if God was in control then He must have wanted {insert bad thing here} to happen. Which lead to destructive behavior & fueled years of anger. What I know now is so vastly different.

Two words: free will. It is our God given right to chose. God will not violate my will. And just as he will not violate my will, He won't violate the will of others either. This means that when bad things have happened to me that are caused by other people's actions, God didn't cause it. He didn't want this for me. He didn't allow it to happen bc I did something wrong & was being punished. It all comes back to free will - everyone's God given right.

I have also learned that God uses everything for His good. That everything in life is a blessing & a lesson - no matter if it is good or bad. I wrote about lessons & blessings what seems like forever ago, in this post last November. In short, bc of the lessons that I have learned & the ways God has blessed me through tragedy, I would not change a thing about my past.

Looking back, it is in these difficult times of struggle that I was not alone. If I had been, who knows what would happen. He was there. He made sure that I have had amazing people to support me. Some may say it bc I am strong. It's not. It is bc of His love for me & the mercy & grace He bestows upon me. So, yes, in deed, by the grace of God go I.

Without Limits

Life has a way of catching up to us...



In single moments, like snapshots



of a child's face, who is destined



to be a big brother.



I am so very lucky to love



this family, without limits...



And truly blessed to witness it.

Welcome To The World, Margaret Claire!

Margaret Claire
Born: 3.24.10 @8:33 AM
8 lbs 3 oz, 19.5 inches long

My friend Stacey, whom I have known since high school, gave birth to a daughter yesterday. Stacey & Claire are doing well. The C-Section was a little rough, & Stacey is in a lot of pain, but she assures me it is all worth it {:)

I can't wait to see them (along with Stacey's husband, Kevin) when I visit them tonight. I know the big brother, Christian, has not seen his little sister yet, but (according to FB) as soon as he wakes from his nap, he will. I am truly over the moon excited for them. Two beautiful children in a week shy of 15 months.

Amazingly blessed!

Lent: Knowing Now (Day 20)

For over a year now, I've have found myself on a journey that I've never expected to be on. A journey to be & live more authentically. And bc of this journey, I have had a closer relationship with God than I have ever known before. So, when Lent approached this year, there was never any question to whether or not I would give something up.

I have to tell you honestly, I haven't always observed Lent in the past. Some years I would & some I wouldn't. This year is different though. It didn't really seem like a difficult decision whether or not to observe Lent this time.

What was difficult was trying to figure out what to give up. I don't really know what made me give up my defense mechanism of avoidance, but when I chose to do so I knew it would change me. I knew it would be easy, & I knew it would keep me out of my comfort zone.

Not being easy is an understatement. Here I am exactly half way through Lent. And there are, in fact, days when I very much regret giving up avoidance. Not bc I want to avoid things, but bc sometimes it is just so hard. And yes, I still wonder - what the heck I was thinking?

About a week & a half ago now, I had a very difficult conversation with Patsy. The details are not really that important. What is important is that it is a conversation that was difficult. And it was one of those conversations that once you have it, there is no going back. Bc no matter if it was intended or not, it does change things.

If you go back & read some of my entries I made at the time, you will realize that this conversation left me with many thoughts & feelings that I struggled with for many days & nights. There were even gaps in my entries, which, again, is saying something.

At the time, I didn't want to have this conversation. I feared that just having it would change things somehow. In the past, when I shared with someone something that was on my heart, it has change things - sometimes for the better, but more often than not, it has changes things that were not for the better.

Right at the moment, I can't tell you if this conversation made things better or not. What I can tell you is that it has changed things. And, to be fair, I will say that part of me regrets having the conversation. So, in a way, my fear did come true.

I can't go back, I can't change things, but I can go on from here. In the time between then & now, I have talked to a few trusted few, processed some, & even had a TPM session about the matter. And I have to tell you, having done all that, I feel so much better.

And I can honestly say that if I would have never chose to give up avoidance, I may have never had that talk. If that conversation never occurred, I may never know now what I didn't know then. And although it is too early to tell the outcome, I do, indeed, know that everything happens for a reason.

And I can only go forward from here.

Overdrive

My days are running together. And this week, although nothing special, is happening way too fast for me.

Everything is in slow motion. I am exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive since last Sunday. And I so want to turn it off, only for a little while. I cannot help that I am a thinker. And I'm not a drinker, but if I was I would be drunk by now, even though I know that drinking wouldn't make anything better.

For days now, I've been in survival mode, not living but just existing. And I'm not even sure why. Have you ever had conversations you wish you never had? Or knew something you wish you never knew?

That's where I'm at. Just trying to make sense of a conversation that, well, doesn't make much sense at all. Or maybe it does. I don't know. What I do know is that every one's perception differs. And things can be taken differently than they were intended.

And, unfortunately, I know from past experience that misunderstandings can change relationships in ways that forever alters them. In ways that forever alter me. They alter not only me, but how I interact with the world, and if not the world, how I interact with certain people.

It's just that when things get too complicated, when your words convey something not intended, it may be time to move on. Maybe this isn't the path I'm supposed to be on anyway.

All I know is I don't know where I'm headed, but I know I can't stay in the place I'm at. I can only learn from it & move on.