My Heart's Desire

For as long as I can remember, Jake & I have wanted child.  Actually ideally we would have loved to have had more than one child. However if I've learned one thing in life, it's that life never works out the way you expect.

I would like to say that we have been open about our struggles with fertility, but we haven't.  In fact, for many years our struggles were kept only between us.  As the years went on, we shared our journey with only a selected few.

The truth is, along the way, not everyone has been supportive.  Sad to say, there are a lot of people who think that I don't have the right to be a mom simply bc I have Cerebral Palsy or am in a wheelchair.  And this includes some people who were in my life & even some doctors.

You just would not believe what some people say - right to my face - when they are confronted with the truth I try to live in daily.

Truth is, CP is not genetic.  And just bc someone is in a wheelchair, it does not mean they cannot be a good mother.  It most certainly does not mean I don't deserve a chance to be a mom, if that's what my heart desires.

Then there is Jake who deserves to be a dad just as much as I deserve to be a mom.  You should see him interact with the children he works with.  He's amazing.  I can honestly say that one of the privileges of volunteering where he works is getting to see this firsthand.  He has truly found his sweet spot & the place where his heart lives.

And this is the journey we have found ourselves on... we certainly expected that we would have some challenges to deal with along the way & some things to figure out. To be honest, along the way, many things, which includes our many emotions, have not been easy at all.

And years later, we are still here. Waiting & praying. Knowing that one day things will fall into just the way they are meant to be, whether we are parents or not.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

Dad: Eight Days

Dear Dad,

It's been eight days since you left us & I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that you are gone.

It seems like something is terribly a miss, but I just can't think of what is out of place. Then like a nightmare, my stomach drops & I have to remind myself that you have passed away.

I keep waiting for my phone to ring & I so desperately want to hear your voice telling me something you want from the store or how you are doing playing The West. You so loved that game & were always so much more into it than I ever was, even though I am the one who got you into it in the first place.

I still have not cried, which is super strange for me. I know you always told me not to cry for you when die, but I know this isn't what you meant. Okay, so there have been a tear or two, but nothing to the extent that I so desperately need.

I just pray that when it finally happens that God makes sure I have the perfect people around me. He's done a great job so far making sure that I have just the right love & support, so I can't see why things would be different then.

The support & love others have shown me have been so amazing. In fact, it has been difficult to put into words, so for now, I won't try.

I am worried about everything, wondering if I'm doing things right or how you would have wanted them. I am still mad that you didn't put anything in writing like I begged you to. Since you didn't, I hope I am doing a decent job or partly anyway.

I am still so very numb & I am not looking forward to anything that is to follow...

Can this be for real?

Aware

I would say that as I awoke this morning, this is the song that was playing as my alarm went off, which is all true - except the part of sleeping or waking up, as I should say.

Yes, losing my Dad yesterday is defiantly turning my world around & upside down.

Yes, in deed, I am aware now. And I am so thankful for the love of both my Fathers, in ways that you just cannot imagine.

Update: On Dad

Here's the long a waited update on Dad. He went to see several doctors. His regular heart Dr., who I'll call Dr. R, has a long history with my family. He was my Granddad's Dr. & has been my dad's Dr. for many years. It goes without saying that my family has a long history with him.

The second Dr. is the Heart Dr. at JHH who has operated on dad's heart for the past 2 years years. I will call him Dr. H.

First, Dad had to see Dr. H, for a follow up after he was finished all antibiotics he was given. His chest was still a little swollen & red, but the Dr., who is hoping not to operate on dad's heart bc he has see his heart up close & personal & knows how risky this operation will be for him, said he wants to see him in a couple of weeks.

A couple of days after this visit, Dad told me his chest was more swollen & red. When I tried to get him to call the doctor - any heart doctor, either Dr. R. or Dr. H., Dad refused & said in a couple of days he had a appointment with Dr. R..

When he went to that appointment, Dr. R. said he wants Dad to make an appointment with Dr. H. again. When I asked dad about it, he said he wanted to wait a while, a few weeks & see what happens. Much to my protest, believe me.

That was last week.

Within, 24 hrs. Dad has been hit with his defibrillator twice, the last time less than two hrs ago. I just don't know anymore. And I'm completely frustrated. Beyond belief.

I fear my dad has given up on life. I know he is tired. I know he thinks has a burden & a bother. He's not. He is my dad. And I love him.

Please pray.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.