One Step At A Time

"Faith is taking the first step 

even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(1929-1968)

I'm 37 today. Thirty seven.

How did I get here?  How have Jake & I just had the privilege of celebrating our 8th year of marriage already?  It's a privilege that we fought for - a privilege that we have very much earned the right to celebrate.  After all, a lot of marriages don't even make it this far, sad to say.

Truthfully, I must say with each passing year, the twinge in my heart gets a little deeper.

And there is a sadness, hidden behind the celebration of blessings.  Amid the thankfulness of another year, there is something missing.  No, not something, but someone.

For another year of trying to have a child has passed.

Yet we pray, we hope, we believe - that we will be parents some day.

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of faith is believing what we cannot see.  No, not God - for I see Him daily in numerous ways, but rather His Plan for my life.

It is hard for me to see His Plan, bc I am limited by my very human eyes.  And try as I might, I just can't see the whole picture - the Greater Plan.

And no, I may not know why certain things happen or don't happen.  I may never know this side of Heaven;  however, at times, I do see glimpses His Plan.

So with each year that passes, I cling to my faith.  And I forge on, one step at a time, even if I don't see the whole staircase.

All Things Work Together

I love the man who sleeps beside me.  I am blessed that he loves me & that our love grows as time goes on.

As he sleeps, I watch him.  I watch him & wonder what he is dreaming.  Deep down, I know we share many wishes, wants & dreams that are the same.

One dream is to have a family one day.  Neither of us ever expected a family to come right away, but I know we also never expected that starting a family would be so difficult & something we still struggled with seven years into marriage.

Yet here we are.

It's something that I don't talk about often, & if so, rarely on a very public blog.  It's just that sometimes I am very aware that not everyone is supportive of us having kids, & I really don't care to hear anything that is less than supportive.

And I'm here to say, what I've always said - Cerebral Palsy isn't genetic;  People who use wheelchairs or have a disability can be excellent parents, even if they have to do things a little differently.

Then again, I have have always done things differently.  This is all I have ever known.

Still I count my blessings & give thanks for them.  I am who He has made me & I am blessed by my life, even the things that many would not consider to be blessings.

Still I give thanks for the struggles too.  And I wonder how can I not?

For it is in those struggles that I grow the most.  It is in those trying times that I am reminded how blessed I truly am.

For Promise

Spent the day just hanging around the the house, enjoying this BEAUTIFUL weather, & watching Jake tinker around with this & that.  And as always, as it seems to be now adays, reflecting on life.

Tomorrow, I head off to help with & attend one of my friend's co-ed bridal shower.  I am so excited for Rachel & Brian.  Nervous too. As the wedding rapidly approaches & time is disappearing, I have to wonder if it all will get done.

I ask the question, almost instantly, I know the answer. It will. It  always does. 

I am excited for them.  They are amazing people who are faith-believing, God-centered seekers of Him, who are full of hope & promise for the world, for life, for each other.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for them.

Reflecting always gets to me in a a sentimental way.  It seems it wasn't so long ago, Jake & I were that couple. And now, we blink & 7 years have gone by. So hard to believe.  Yet not.

I hear 7 years & I can't help & think that it was my parents at their 7th year were already separated & heading for divorce.  I am beyond grateful that I will not repeat their mistakes.  I wonder what promise they had for their life?

I slowly close my eyes, draw in deep, reflect & I give thanks.

For my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends. For love. And for Promise.

Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.

Fall Into Place

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point. 

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late.  That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together.  They are & they're not.  Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not.  This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas.  Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again.  And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore.  I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad.  I miss other people, & "other things."  Secretly, I wonder if  there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are.  I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart.  I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place.  Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time.  That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through. 

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends.  Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked... 

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully.  As life & time ticks on.  I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith. 

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see.  Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.

Daisy In Prayer

Daisy, my FIL's 13 year old dachshund, is in surgery just about now. A risky surgery, but a very much a needed one. I'll spare you the details, only that it has to do with removal of numerous tumors & a badly infected uterus with a very long & over do spay.

Everything about this sucks. The risk suck. I'm scared. She is such a sweet dog, who is very loved. We all love her.

Daisy was Jake's mom's dog. Well loved & well taken care of by her. Ms. Barbara died in April 2000 & completely changed this whole family, even Daisy - who very much was grieving too. She stopped eating & became super protective of her family very much. So much in fact that in the summer of 2003 when I started dating Jake, Daisy still only ate dog snacks - no food, just snacks

There is no doubt that Pop loves her. I also think Pop likes to avoid certain things & is in denial about other things. Other things like Daisy's health. He loves her, no doubt, but I think if he doesn't take her to the vet, the vet can't tell him bad news. News that he just doesn't want to hear.

So here we are - hoping & praying for the best in a difficult surgery that is complicated by Daisy's age. God, I love her so. She is such a great part of this family & Pee Wee loves her.

I must admit, that part of me has had to distance myself, not from daisy but from the situation, out of pure frustration at times. She is not our dog, but his. And he has made that clear. I wish I had the money to completely care for her, but I don't & that brakes my heart.

I love our vets (it's a family practice), & have much confidence in their abilities. I have faith & have said lots of prayers. And as for the rest, well, the rest, is not up to me.

Saying Sundays: Easter 2011

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances."

~Robert Flatt

New Year's Faith

I'm still trying to understand the events of last year & work through many things the best that I can.

What do I want for the new year?

I want 2011 to be better than 2010.
I want to learn from from my past & appreciate it.
I want to live in the moment.
I want to love freely & deeply.
I want to not take anyone or anything for granted.
I want to be the person God intended for me to be.

I saw this on YouTube recently, & thought I would share.




Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you have a happy, healthy, life-embracing year & not take one single second for granted.

Letter To A Treasured Friend

My Dearest Deanna,

I have wanted to write you for sometime now. And for some reason I miss you terribly today. I've been thinking about you a lot these past couple of weeks. Seven years seem way too long to not see or talk to someone who was once your best friend. It is strange how some people just drift apart for no apparent reason at all & then so much time passes & then months turn into years.

You would be so proud of me. I am so different from when we last saw each other. I no longer have depression &, Dee, I'm happy in my life. I love my husband Jake & we have been trying for a family for 3 years now. We haven't had a easy marriage, but we stick it out & know that with each other & God we can make it through anything. I so love him deeply & don't know what I would do without him, & I know for a fact he feels the same.

Mom & I have a good relationship now (at least it is so much better than the one before) that I am out of the house & let me tell you just how great forgiveness is. A couple of years ago, I told her, "Mom, you were the best Mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it." Forgiveness is such an incredible thing, but honestly, I think it has done more for me than it has for her.

I would tell you about my Dad too, but right now I'm at a loss of words about him. See, he died just over a month ago on Aug 13th. My world has been turned upside down & flipped around & it is unlike any other loss grief I have ever felt. Then to add to it, my mom's friend of over 40 years, whom I loved like an aunt, died 9 days later & I buried them 7 days apart.

I can honestly say that I'm still numb & that's okay for right now. The emotions will come when they come & I'm just holding onto my faith, reaching out to friends & hoping they reach back. Honestly, though, even if they don't - I know that God will give me what I need when I need it & surround me with the perfect people & support when the time comes.

I am so glad that you & Chris are married & am delighted to see your love & family grow. I couldn't be more happy for you. I have often thought about you guys over the years & hoped that you were doing well. I am not sure where you are living at the moment, but I would love to see you & catch up or something of the sort.

I hope this letter finds you healthy & happy & know that even though the years have passed, you will always find a friend in me. You can always call me, text me, write me whatever. I will always be here for you. After all, that's what a best friend does, even if we drifted apart over the years.

Deanna, you were such a wonderful friend to me, even when I really didn't deserve such the incredible friend you were to me. You saw me through some really horrible & dark times in my life & I I'll always have such gratitude for the love you have shown me. So, let me take this time to tell you thank you for everything you have done for me bc it has help make me the person I am today.

And as always, I love you.

TTC: Giving It to Him

Dear God,

I have had enough. So, I'm turning it all over to You & You alone. I can see things falling into place, but I know You see the the entire picture & this glorious plan You have chosen for me. You are what I am not... All seeing & knowing. I trust You, & only You.

It is just not up to me when I have a family or what family I have, just as I didn't chose what family I was born into. To others, they are not perfect, but they are the perfect family for me. You chose them for me, just as You will will chose me for someone I have not yet met. Someone already chosen. Chosen by You.

I am truly given this over to You. Every bit of it. For whatever reason, what I'm doing has not worked. I will no longer stress over things out of my control. At least not about this. You have a reason for it all, & that truly is enough for me.

So here I am, pondering this journey I have found myself on & this little thing called hope. Realizing that I would be nothing without You & Your unconditional love for me. I can't tell You why I know the things I do or I'm certain that everything will be okay, I just know it will be. I guess it's bc I know You.

I love You & I want to thank You for the mercy & grace You have chosen to bestow upon me. Thank You. Thank You for it all.

Forever Yours,

Eat, Pray, Love

In The Storm

There is a blizzard outside my door.

Seriously.

It's over 2 feet already & is no where near ready to stop, only hours away from breaking records.

I got a call at 1:45 AM this morning. I hate calls like that. It is never good. Dad was waiting on the ambulance, having called after being shocked by his defibrillator 4 times - once even while I was on the phone. Turns out, he gets shocked 5 times total before they make it to the hospital.

Before he hangs up, he tells me not to call my brother til later as he was in "a little car accident yesterday." What? Nice. How come no one told me? I wonder.

I hang up. My mind races. I want to run to him. Be with him. Tell him that everything will be okay. I look at the snow outside my window & know that God has other plans. I instantly pray. For both of them.

The snow still falls.

Hours & about 11 phone calls later, I finally track my dad down. He's been admitted. I call my Grandmom & let her know what's going on. Turns out that "little car accident" wasn't so little after all.

When I talk to my SIL & brother, I find out that he was turning the corner & got T-boned by a car going more than 60 MPH. His trucked flipped. The firemen smashed his windshield to get him out.

Wearing a neck brace, he says, "I walked away without a scratch. I'm indestructible, Shannon." I wish he was joking, but deep down, I know he believes this. He always has.

I hang up. Say a silent prayer. I am reminded that there is nothing I can do that I have not already done. For either of them. A calm & warmth fill me.

And the snow still falls.

Saying Sunday: Faith

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.

Good Bye 2009 & Thanks For It All

In a couple of hours, 2009 will be a thing of the past. And I can't be more glad.

This year has been so difficult. It's not about the deaths or other losses I have had, how my husband & I struggled, the things that have gone unsaid or unwritten, but about all of it together.

Yes, this year has been difficult.

While I have had difficult times - years - before, 2009 is different. I am different. Even though I have struggled this year, I have also changed & grown more than any year that I can remember. My struggling & changing have gone hand & hand. There is no doubt that one has effected the other. How could it not?

Amongst other things, I have grown in my faith as a Christian. I have grown as a person & there is no doubt, I am better for it. I cannot, & will not, look back on this year & (as much as I may want to) wish that it would or could be forgotten.

It is through the difficult times of this year that I have not only grown, but grown closer to God. My faith has been tested & stretched. I have questioned, begged & pleaded, & prayed more than I have ever in the past. Likewise, it has been years since my faith has been tested like this. And I must say, my relationship with God has never been more real. More personal. More connected than ever before.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I would have said or done things differently? Do I wish that I could go back & re-do things again, changing the outcome? Yes... and no. Yes, don't we all wish we could do that to some degree & no, if I could change things, have a re-do, things would not be how they are now.

There is a reason for it all. Everything both good & bad has a purpose. I would like to think that the difficulties I have faced, the struggling I have endured, have a reason - a good one - for occurring; that life as I know it will be different than ever before. Be different in the new year to come.

So, I say Good Bye to this year & give thanks for it. For without this year & everything I encountered within it, I would not be just where I am & who I am today.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I can honestly say there was a point when I didn't know just how this Christmas was going to turn out or, just simply put, how on earth would I make it through after having such a tough year - having lost so much.

I made it through though.

How? Well, it was easy wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Sure, there were parts that were tough. A lot of tears shed, but that's not at all a bad thing, its all part of being human. And my thoughts were bombarded with thoughts of loved ones who were no longer here & the remnants of Christmas past.

Here's the thing about the past though: it's a great place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

So, I visit, & I am thankful - no matter how much bad stuff happens - for all the good stuff that has happened this year, choosing to focus on my blessings.

Reminding myself not what I have lost, but what I have & have gained this year. And that's made all the difference in the world.

Living In The Truth

Authentic [aw-then-tik]: not false or copied; genuine; real.

Over the past year, I have attempted to become more authentic. Something that I have craved to be well before this year. I have, as I always had, yearned to be a better person, to live in nothing but truth - to be the person I was meant to be, & fully embrace that change.

It has not been easy to except this journey I continue on, but nonetheless, I welcome it. Living in the truth, no matter what that truth is & no matter how much it hurts to face that truth sometimes is a daily struggle.

And living in the truth, striving to be authentic, has cost me greatly.

I have come to realize that even though I embrace the truth, others do not. This has cost me friendships, put a strain on some relationships, & caused me to question & see things differently than I ever had before.

Over time, I have rearranged my priorities & put myself before others. Something that I have NEVER done before. And, well, this hasn't sat well with some. As I think back, this blog was created as a direct result of me putting me on the top of my list. Remember?

Yes. Things are different. Things were not made to always stay the same. People were not made to stay the same either. And, as much as I hate to admit it, while I do have regrets, I am not sorry for how things are now.

I am a better person bc of my quest to be authentic. It is my journey - no one else's. The person that I am & who I continue to be is so much better than the person I ever dreamed of being.

So, yes, I'll continue on my way - being genuine, real, not false, bc in the end, the rewards are far more greater than I imagined.

The Journey

I recently wrote a friend & said, "I have learned that the great things in life that make the biggest impacts are not always easy nor or they simple. And I truly believe it is the journey that we go on along the way that makes us who we are."

True life, real life, is about how we live. You know - when we stop going through the motions, stop existing & start living. It's not an easy task, to live. It's much easier to just be alive, but that is not who we were meant to be. We were meant to be more.

We were created to feel, to be real with one another - open & honest, to trust, to love, to be human. Every one's journey is different - some more difficult than others. Who am I to say mine is more difficult than yours or vice versa?

Life - REAL life - is difficult. Lessons learned are hard. So realize as you are on your journey, I'm on my own too. And I hope that that you, too, no matter how difficult are living & not just alive.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.

All That Matters

Things have been nothing short of crazy; however, every once in a while - when I'm able to breathe again - I can see things differently.

God is amazing. He designed us to be complex, ever-changing beings, who have the ability to think for ourselves & love one another deeply, as long as we give ourselves permission to do so. That's the beautiful thing about free will, we are never forced to really do anything. It has always been a choice - our choice.

Remember this? Well, with hesitation & readiness, I took the plunge & went to my first session. It turned out well, & left me much to think about & reflect on. Was it scary & difficult, undoubtedly. The thing is that God made sure that I had the perfect person to go on this journey with me, which I believe is a true blessing & not an accident at all.

I see things differently now & I am surprised at how quickly I am able to see things that I've never saw before. This is just the beginning for me & I am positive that I'm on a journey of healing that I will continue on for the rest of my life.

Upon reflection, the song "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl is very fitting. Give it a listen (but first scroll to the bottom of this page & pause the other music). No, really. It will only take a minute - well, 4 minutes & 25 seconds to be exact, but listen anyway. Seriously.



I do, no doubt, have a purpose in not only my life, but in this world. I don't need to know what that purpose is, only that there is one. And I am loved. Even when I don't think I deserve to be. No matter what has happened or will happen, God loves me - even if I am imperfectly broken. And in the end, that's all that truly matters.