Yet To Be Written

So, so, so much time has passed. And yet no words have been written.

It is now, as of yesterday, 2016.  And a new year awaits.  Brand new - yet to be written.

Sometime last year, I decided that it was time for a change & I resolved to declutter my life and get my health in order (more on that in a future post, I promise).  I have to say, for the most part, I have been successful on those resolutions.  It is, however, a continuing journey.  And, sometimes, easier said than done.

I have always thought of a new year as something hopeful.  It's as if the possibilities are endless.  A chance for things to be better than the year before. A chance for growth. A chance for prayers to be answered.

And I hope is true for this coming year.  After all, anything is possible.

Decluttering Life

It's been way too long since I have written.  In my opinion, there aren't any excuses that are good enough to justify it, so I will spare you. Life just goes on and time goes by. And before you know it, nine months or so passes like it was nothing at all.

What bothers me the most is how easy it is for me to just stop writing, regardless of how therapeutic it is for me to write.  And when that happens, I tell myself that I'll write tomorrow or the next day, yet that day never comes.

It really is that simple and, yet, it seems so complicated.  Or overwhelming. Or both.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something big, yet I am not sure what exactly. For the past couple of weeks - months even, I've been trying to get my life - or at least my surroundings - together... slowly decluttering my life and making things simpler.  I don't know why, I just feel as if it is time.

It's the time for a lot of things really. It's time now.  And slowly, even if it's one word at a time, life will - hopefully - become simpler again.

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.

Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Saying Sunday: Cheers To A New Year

"Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right."

 ~ Oprah Winfrey

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Reflections of Lent

Avoidance.

We all do it. Some more than others. So when Lent rolled around & I gave it up.

So for 40 days, I did things I didn't want to do. Had conversations, wrote e-mails, completed task, got things in order I had be putting off.

Truth be told, I never expected it to be so damn difficult. And often found my myself asking "What the hell was I thinking?" Any change or, to be more exact, growth is difficult. At least it should be.

We are human. Flawed & beautiful. And our actions & reactions matter.

I will not lie. There are times when I wished that I could just forget about Lent & go on avoiding. It is so much easier to do that. More convenient. Less painful.

I had conversations with people that were difficult. Some didn't end well. And relationships were forever altered - both in good ways & not so good ways. At the very least, I know I stayed true to not only my word, but who I am.

I cannot say that I don't have regrets about the past weeks. I do. I regret not trusting myself enough to listen to my inner instincts. I now know that some things are better left unsaid. That sometimes that raw intense in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling means something.

But (yes, there is always a but) I do not regret what I know now bc of not listening to such a feeling. I now know that some people aren't who they say they are (a lesson that I have ever-so-painfully learned before & somehow keep forgetting).

That sometimes words are just words. And even though the intention behind it may be good, actions may not follow. And there are some who, believe it or not, just do not truly mean what they say.

I have also learned that sometimes you may find a friend (or two) in that person who you never got a chance to really know, even after years of sitting in front of them every Sunday. That some friends who love you do so unconditionally.

That even when I feel displaced, I not only have a place to be, but I'm right where I need to be. And, even more importantly, that even though I may feel disconnected, I am still very much connected & sometimes, just sometimes, those connections are deeper than I ever knew.

Just think... all of that bc I decided that it was time to stop avoiding life & just let it happen.

Rain, Rain

Today, is a dreary day. Rain pours down from the Heavens.

The last few days in Maryland have been beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. And my mood has been uplifted. The radiant sun, clear blue skies have been healing for me. I could do nothing but soak it all in.

Friday night, Jake & I found ourselves on a unexpected long ride in the country side. The windows were down, wind whipping through my long chestnut hair, radio blaring Christian songs of surrender & renewal. It was the kind of moment, I never ever wanted to end.

Today, is very different though. I ache & am in pain. I find myself trying my hardest to not let effect my mood. So, instead of focusing on how I feel today, I turn my attention to what lies ahead - beautiful days of Spring. And reminding myself, that it is dreary rainy days like these that make the beautiful days ahead more breathtaking.

Lent: Knowing Now (Day 20)

For over a year now, I've have found myself on a journey that I've never expected to be on. A journey to be & live more authentically. And bc of this journey, I have had a closer relationship with God than I have ever known before. So, when Lent approached this year, there was never any question to whether or not I would give something up.

I have to tell you honestly, I haven't always observed Lent in the past. Some years I would & some I wouldn't. This year is different though. It didn't really seem like a difficult decision whether or not to observe Lent this time.

What was difficult was trying to figure out what to give up. I don't really know what made me give up my defense mechanism of avoidance, but when I chose to do so I knew it would change me. I knew it would be easy, & I knew it would keep me out of my comfort zone.

Not being easy is an understatement. Here I am exactly half way through Lent. And there are, in fact, days when I very much regret giving up avoidance. Not bc I want to avoid things, but bc sometimes it is just so hard. And yes, I still wonder - what the heck I was thinking?

About a week & a half ago now, I had a very difficult conversation with Patsy. The details are not really that important. What is important is that it is a conversation that was difficult. And it was one of those conversations that once you have it, there is no going back. Bc no matter if it was intended or not, it does change things.

If you go back & read some of my entries I made at the time, you will realize that this conversation left me with many thoughts & feelings that I struggled with for many days & nights. There were even gaps in my entries, which, again, is saying something.

At the time, I didn't want to have this conversation. I feared that just having it would change things somehow. In the past, when I shared with someone something that was on my heart, it has change things - sometimes for the better, but more often than not, it has changes things that were not for the better.

Right at the moment, I can't tell you if this conversation made things better or not. What I can tell you is that it has changed things. And, to be fair, I will say that part of me regrets having the conversation. So, in a way, my fear did come true.

I can't go back, I can't change things, but I can go on from here. In the time between then & now, I have talked to a few trusted few, processed some, & even had a TPM session about the matter. And I have to tell you, having done all that, I feel so much better.

And I can honestly say that if I would have never chose to give up avoidance, I may have never had that talk. If that conversation never occurred, I may never know now what I didn't know then. And although it is too early to tell the outcome, I do, indeed, know that everything happens for a reason.

And I can only go forward from here.

Overdrive

My days are running together. And this week, although nothing special, is happening way too fast for me.

Everything is in slow motion. I am exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive since last Sunday. And I so want to turn it off, only for a little while. I cannot help that I am a thinker. And I'm not a drinker, but if I was I would be drunk by now, even though I know that drinking wouldn't make anything better.

For days now, I've been in survival mode, not living but just existing. And I'm not even sure why. Have you ever had conversations you wish you never had? Or knew something you wish you never knew?

That's where I'm at. Just trying to make sense of a conversation that, well, doesn't make much sense at all. Or maybe it does. I don't know. What I do know is that every one's perception differs. And things can be taken differently than they were intended.

And, unfortunately, I know from past experience that misunderstandings can change relationships in ways that forever alters them. In ways that forever alter me. They alter not only me, but how I interact with the world, and if not the world, how I interact with certain people.

It's just that when things get too complicated, when your words convey something not intended, it may be time to move on. Maybe this isn't the path I'm supposed to be on anyway.

All I know is I don't know where I'm headed, but I know I can't stay in the place I'm at. I can only learn from it & move on.

Dislodged

I'm just going to write what my heart says & worry about it later. It's not really what I want to do, but I don't see any other way.

I can feel myself dislodging, pulling away for everyone & everything - which hasn't always ended well. I don't know how to be anything but honest.

I am hurting. Confused & trying to sort things out. When did it not become okay for others to care about each other? Yes, there are so many questions.

The truth is just that - the truth. I have been discontent for awhile now. I have decisions to make & I'm not sure everyone will like my choices. And even if I don't have to make them, I feel that I do. Those chioices aren't for them. They are for me. And me alone.

I want my life to matter. To make a difference. And even if I do matter - even if I do make a difference - somehow it's just not enough. Not enough for me.

I don't know know how to be anyone or anything but me. The me who cares for others. Feels deeply. Is genuine.

I am struggling. Trying to hold on. A friend told me last night, "Your just going through a tough season." Boy, she ain't kidding. Tough, indeed.

This sucks.

Saying Sundays: Change & Growth

“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.”

~Herbert A. Otto