Thoughts on Christmas Morning

As I sit here and type this now, it is nearly 5 AM on Christmas morning & I haven't slept yet.  I wish I could say that I spent hours dreaming of sugar plums dancing in my head or some storybook clichè that make things appear to be more than perfect.

For hours, I've been writing a letter to a friend.  It's a letter that she'll never get bc I never actually wrote it out... it's just words that remained trapped in my head that I may or may not remember later due to simply my exhaustion.  And honestly, I want her to be focused on her family this Christmas morning & not so much me.

Here's the simple truth: things have been anything but perfect in my life lately, but isn't that the truth of anybody's life?

For moths now, I have engaged in a process of therapeutic writing.  This has been difficult &, at times, torture when the words would not come; however, there has been true healing through this process.  And although I have not shared my writings with many others, I have had a lot of love, support & prayers along the way.  Slowly, through writing, tears, many emails, love & prayers, I'm finding my voice again & truly healing...

But it's Christmas morning & I haven't slept.  I don't know what it is abt this year, but this holiday season is tough.  I seem to be missing people a little more, both people gone & still here.  I miss dad a lot. And Christmas Eve is just not the same without him.  And I just miss others too, too many to mention.

This year has just been tough... For both of us.  Jake & I have struggled in every way imaginable.  We hold out hope that the coming year will be better for us, in every way.

Yes, for now, we count our blessings.  And hope.  A hope we have bc long ago, in a little town, a child was born.

 Merry Christmas, My Friends. May you filled with many blessings, happiness & joy.

Stream of Consciousness: On Overdrive & Hating It

It is a little past 1:30 in the morning & I can't sleep. My thoughts are swimming in my head so fast - it feels like tidal waves repeatably crashing upon the rocks & rushing the shore with no mercy in sight.

Just hours ago, I attended the viewing of a life long neighbor & family friend. She was always a good neighbor, but even a better friend.

Her daughter Sandy used to babysit me when I was little & we've been friends off & on throughout the years. Funny how people lose touch as time goes on. I hate that.

I'm six months along this strange journey that Sandy & her siblings are embarking on. I do not envy them. No one who has been here would.

I've been crying a lot tonight. It's just displaced grief that has surfaced. Untouched grief that is yet to be explored from Dad, Aunt Elaine, & even Mandy - I think.

On top of all that mom has had some health concerns that are causing me to feel somewhat on edge. Nothing too serious, but compounded with everything else just make my brain go a little on overdrive. I hate overdrive.

I try to take some deep breaths, but that is little relief. It is hard to put a name to my feelings & thoughts. I hate that too. Honestly, that has been happening a lot lately, more often then not.

All I think to say is - I 'm scared. Scared of what I don't know & can't put a name to it. This has happened before. The most clear example of this I can recall is the evening after dad died.

He died on a Friday & by Saturday night, I sought refuge at Theresa's house & spent the night. I was hell bent on not changing any plans that were already set before my world came crashing down. So there I was. Something that probably saved my life & sanity, in more ways than one.

All I could say was I'm scared. She would ask what I was scared of & I would tell her I don't know, unable to put a name to it. Months later, here I sit with that same feeling & still at a loss of words as ever.

And I hate it.

Stays With You

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Stream of Consciousness: Longing

My days are long, my nights are even longer.

I just want to wake from this dream for I must be dreaming. I am *still* numb. Very much in a daze, just trying to figure out why my life is so foreign to me now.

Then, I remember.

Dad is gone. Aunt Elaine is gone.

Grief has set in, but the shock still not gone. Who knew that it could last this long. I had no clue.

I keep thinking to myself that I should be doing something. Something more. Like being at a hospital. Or calling to check on someone to make sure things are okay. Or picking up stuff from the store. Or answering computer questions. Or playing some game with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm, what's that? Seriously, there are times when my brain is numb. Like when you wake from a deep sleep but are not fully aware just quite yet.

And my friends they are there. They are not. Well, that is to say that some are & some are not. Strange how I would just be there without someone having to reach out, if it were my friend. Yet, I cannot & do not expect others to be me.

There are some days where I just long for someone to reach out bc, honestly, I don't have the strength. Yet, there are some days where I reach out & am disappointed when there is no reaching back.

What do people want from me?

I long to be hugged. I long to be held. I just want to be held. I just want to be in a safe enough place to cry. Something is missing. Something is wrong. Something is missing in the world, & everything feels different.

Right now, I very much feel like I'm that scared little girl who is just longing to be held... a little girl lost... a little girl longing for her Daddy.

Stop The World

It still feels like I am moving in slow motion. The world spinning entirely too fast & life moving on while I am standing still trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life.

Just make it stop. Slow down. So I can hear You. I know You are here. And I know, beyond it all, I am loved.

Letter To A Treasured Friend

My Dearest Deanna,

I have wanted to write you for sometime now. And for some reason I miss you terribly today. I've been thinking about you a lot these past couple of weeks. Seven years seem way too long to not see or talk to someone who was once your best friend. It is strange how some people just drift apart for no apparent reason at all & then so much time passes & then months turn into years.

You would be so proud of me. I am so different from when we last saw each other. I no longer have depression &, Dee, I'm happy in my life. I love my husband Jake & we have been trying for a family for 3 years now. We haven't had a easy marriage, but we stick it out & know that with each other & God we can make it through anything. I so love him deeply & don't know what I would do without him, & I know for a fact he feels the same.

Mom & I have a good relationship now (at least it is so much better than the one before) that I am out of the house & let me tell you just how great forgiveness is. A couple of years ago, I told her, "Mom, you were the best Mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it." Forgiveness is such an incredible thing, but honestly, I think it has done more for me than it has for her.

I would tell you about my Dad too, but right now I'm at a loss of words about him. See, he died just over a month ago on Aug 13th. My world has been turned upside down & flipped around & it is unlike any other loss grief I have ever felt. Then to add to it, my mom's friend of over 40 years, whom I loved like an aunt, died 9 days later & I buried them 7 days apart.

I can honestly say that I'm still numb & that's okay for right now. The emotions will come when they come & I'm just holding onto my faith, reaching out to friends & hoping they reach back. Honestly, though, even if they don't - I know that God will give me what I need when I need it & surround me with the perfect people & support when the time comes.

I am so glad that you & Chris are married & am delighted to see your love & family grow. I couldn't be more happy for you. I have often thought about you guys over the years & hoped that you were doing well. I am not sure where you are living at the moment, but I would love to see you & catch up or something of the sort.

I hope this letter finds you healthy & happy & know that even though the years have passed, you will always find a friend in me. You can always call me, text me, write me whatever. I will always be here for you. After all, that's what a best friend does, even if we drifted apart over the years.

Deanna, you were such a wonderful friend to me, even when I really didn't deserve such the incredible friend you were to me. You saw me through some really horrible & dark times in my life & I I'll always have such gratitude for the love you have shown me. So, let me take this time to tell you thank you for everything you have done for me bc it has help make me the person I am today.

And as always, I love you.

Someone Please

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed.

I hate this. Everything about these tough days suck. They really do. I seem fine one minute & then the next I am completely overwhelmed.

I still have not cried.

You would think that losing my dad, I would be able to cry. All I can really think is how I still feel numb & am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my world has shattered.

In time, the tears will come. I may not be crying, but I'm very much grieving. It's just manifesting in different ways.

Losing Dad & Aunt Elaine so close together is almost too difficult to comprehend.

I feel lost. So lost. So very, very lost.

Someone please help me.

Homesick

Contradiction

By the time this post goes live tomorrow, I will be getting ready to leave & go to Aunt Elaine's funeral. Just a very short 7 days ago, I buried Dad last Wednesday too.

I am exhausted & questioning a lot. Sometimes I just think that this cannot be real & I'll wake up any second. I'm in automatic mode that is for sure. Everything around me seems to be in slow motion, yet moving so incredibly way too fast.

I don't want to be around people, but yet, I don't want to be alone either. I want to push people away, but yet, I want to hold them close & am terrified of them leaving me. I am a rolling contradiction.

I am hurting so much & so deep that I don't even know if words exist to express how I feel. If I do ever find the words though, you'll be the first to know.

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

Rest In Peace, Aunt Elaine

Aunt Elaine (1946-2010)
Picture Taken 12.27.2003

Today my mom's best friend of over 40 years, who I affectionately called Aunt Elaine, passed away this morning at 9:11 AM.

Still numb from losing dad merely 9 very short days ago, I truly cannot speak & am at a lost for words. I pray that I find the words soon.

Update: Only Moments

If you have been following my blog, you may have read this a couple of days ago. Here is an update:

Finally, after days of being sick & not being able to get out of bed, we finally were able to get Dad to go to the hospital. I really don't know any details, just that he is there, which has to be a good thing bc he he has really had small amounts of liquid & food for days.

As for Aunt Elaine, she is home from the hospital & is resting comfortably. This is great news & I hope to get the chance to see her soon.

Thanks for all the prayers. I really appreciate them. More than you know.

Only Moments

Only moments ago, I found out that Aunt Elaine, who has been battling cancer, has been rushed to the hospital. I don't know the details, only that it is serious.

I have been wanting to write about her, & about what she means to me - to put it mildly, she means the world, but I've been at a loss for words, just trying to sort through things myself.

Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to share with you who she is, what she has meant to me, & the moments - & laughs, lots of them, that we share together.

For this moment though, I will pray. Won't you do the same?

My Heart Aches

My mind is racing. I so want it to stop. You think I would be used to this by now. I just can't bare having to let go of another loved one. Cancer sucks. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, make it go away.

But on the other hand, she is not gone yet. She is still living. I wonder if I will get to tell her everything I have always wanted to say. Knowing that when I looked back, years from now, even if I got that chance, I will have still wanted to say more. That's how it always is.

My mom is heartbroken. I don't blame her. Aunt Elaine has been her friend for so long. It is hard to hear her cry. I can relate to her on so many levels - having loss so much. Having loss so many & grieved more times than I care to count.

If you know me, or have read my blog for any amount time, you know that I always try to see the positive in things. You know that I know God has a plan. You know I know that he uses everything - both good & bad, & makes it for His good. I still know all those things, but it does not make me feel better today.

I wish I could tell others that I'm allowed to have a bad day or days, as the case may be - I'm allowed to feel bad - & still believe those things. Just bc I feel bad right at the moment does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that I don't believe in His Plan. Believing in Him, knowing that he is in control, does not mean that I cannot feel emotion. He created me, & I am human after all.

Through My Fingers

Right now, Dad is in the hospital, with an infection at his difibulator site. Praying that it's an infection just under the skin & not an abscess that requires a transfer to a second hospital & is way more serious than where we stand now.

{Time passes.}

I just got a call from mom. It is with tears streaming down that I say these words. Aunt Elaine's cancer is getting worse. They have done all they can for her at her current hospital & are trying to get her into Hopkins.

I hate this. I love her so much. So very, very much. It almost feels as if everyone I love is slipping right through my fingers. I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Pull them close, cherish them. Almost as if my love would be enough to sustain them.

It's no wonder that my post are few & far between. My life with Jake - our marriage - is better than it's ever been, but a marriage is only one part. Not everything. I have started what seems like a million entries. All unfinished. All unpublished.

I'm not sure I can even put words to thoughts with all this brokenness around me.

Along For The Ride

I have a number of people on my mind tonight.

My friend, Thea just had surgery yesterday, but is now home recovering & resting comfortably.

My friend Theresa is in GA watching her mom try & recover from a heart attack, at last I heard, she wasn't doing well. I've been keeping in contact with her by text. Even sending her prayers by text; however, I wish there was more I could do for her.

My friend Janie is helping her beloved mother make her transition between this life to beyond & is only been given weeks, if not mere days to live.

My friend Stacey is going to have a C-Section tomorrow. It is scheduled for 7:30 AM to welcome her second born into this world. Two kids in a little less than 15 months.

My friend Rachel, who has Crohn's Disease just found out that she needs another surgery to have more of her diseased intestines removed. She is 29, scared & feels alone. And I don't blame her. The last major surgery she had, she almost died.

Jake's Aunt Tami & my friend Debbie who are going through a rough personal time at the moment.

And, even though I have never mentioned it on here - a couple of months ago, my Aunt Elaine got diagnosed with the an aggressive form of small cell cancer. She has been doing round after round of Chemo, but the cancer has spread.

It is strange to worry about people you love, but I'm not sure it's exact worry as much as care & concern. Life & death are all around, effecting people whom I love. And even effecting me. I know what you are thinking... but I'm not sad. I am really not.

I have learned that I can share in my loved ones joys & sorrows & not take on their "stuff." Or at least I'm learning it now. It's a lot like learning that it not my job to save people. Remember? It's my job to to do something to fix things, just to be there, as a friend, on their journey. I'm just along for the ride.

One Day, Two Parties!

My day was packed full of family & friends. Love & gratitude was over flowing.

I went to Christian's first birthday party today*. I am so smitten by him it's not funny. That boy just gets more beautiful every time I see him. I am so happy that his mother is still a part of my life & she has given me the opportunity to love her family.

After I left Stacey, I went to mom's annual Girl Gathering*. Where great homemade food is raved about, good conversations are had by all, some gifts are exchanged, among lots of laughs, especially if Aunt Elaine & I have something to do with it (we can just look at each other & without a word erupt in laughter). And after church tomorrow, it's back to mom's for more family fun.

* Pictures soon, I promise.

I don't know what it is, but I've been thinking a lot. Pondering many different things & trying to sort it all in my head. I find myself asking if tomorrow comes, will this person know how much I love them. I supposed this is bc I've been thinking & missing Mandy non-stop. Life is too short to not appreciate a love one now.

In addition, I'm trying to work through some personal things that I am just not ready to share at the moment. So much for blogging boldly. {:) Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'm still trying to figure things out in my head, before I pound it out here. And even though I've been blogging a couple months short of a year, I go back & forth sometimes about how much I want to share - a dilemma that I am sure all bloggers have at some point.

I also think I'm going to start something called "Saying Sunday". I have a strong desire to blog more then I have in the past & I'm finding that I really like that on Wordless Wednesdays bc they are a short picture post & don't require much time at all. Traditionally, I like to keep my Sundays focused on God & family, so I don't really desire to blog then. So, starting tomorrow, I will post a quote that I like or that has special meaning.

Speaking of tomorrow, church is early & sleep is calling.