Words

I've been thinking a lot lately about words.  How words can change things. How words can affect others. How words are powerful.  Our words are more powerful than we realize.

Words can tear people down or build them up. And our choices mean everything.

I really try to be careful with my words. I try to build others up every chance I get.  I try to leave others better than I found them.  Sometimes I fail at that, but most of the time I'm successful.  At least I hope I am. People tell me I'm gifted with writing.  They say I'm gifted with words.

It has taken me forever to honor my gifts.  I didn't always believe the truth.  There's been many people in my life that spent a lot of time destroying my self esteem.  They wrote on the slate of who I was changing who I was meant to be.

Thankfully, I have had a lot of people in my life who spent a lot of time trying to build me back up.  They saw something I didn't see.  They saw the truth.  Not only did they believe in me, but they loved me when I didn't even love myself.

I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's suddenly losing my dear friend, Betsy. Maybe it's the place Jake & I are in lately, which has not without it's challenges.  Maybe it's looking back & wishing that I would have used my time more wisely with those who, for whatever reason, are no longer a part of my life.

I am not perfect.  No one is.  I make mistakes.  I say wrong things. I go over conversations in my head, time & again, wishing I had a do-over; however, I also try to be careful with my words.  I try to be kind.  I try to build others up.  Encourage them. And I pray that, more often than not, my words have left others better than when I found them, even if the place I found them was great.

Lent: Pushing Through

Today, Betsy would have been 52.  I spent most of the day thinking of her.  And wondering if I should go the Ash Wednesday services at Cedar Ridge.  It still baffles me that she's gone & I just can't imagine the service without her.  After all, she was the one who creatively planned the services for what seems like forever.

Turns out, because of pain, I didn't go. Oh, how I wish I would have. I keep mulling over the past few weeks in  my head, still finding it hard to believe that she's gone now.  Yet, there is an undeniable presence of her at church.  How can there not be? After all, she poured out her heart and soul there for years.

I've also been wondering what to do for Lent.  So I give up something or add something? I have decided that for Lent, I need to write more, especially on here.  For far too long, I have gotten away from blogging. And I secretly regret it.

I think of all the moments I have missed.  All the late nights spent not asleep writing stuff that no one will ever read. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I would start to write a post in my head, but never push through that feeling of vulnerability of being exposed on this very public blog to actually post something.

So, hear I go. Plunging back in. On purpose.  Pushing through all the uncomfortable spots for an important cause, as a friend often reminds me.  Oh, how I'm so grateful for her ever present gentle encouragement, often when I need it the most.

The truth is I've been doing some private writing, which has been therapeutic. And hard.  There have been many times where I have wondered why I keep pursuing a process that is so difficult.  Why is it that I want to work through stuff that I have crammed down for so long?

And yes, there have been many times where I want quit.  I've wanted to just stop dredging up the tough stuff that I've long since buried.  Still, time & again, I continue to plunge in, no matter how deep the waters get.

I wish I could say that these weeks have been easy.  They haven't.  I wish I could say that Jake & I have not struggled. We have. I wish that I could say that giving a voice to my thoughts and feelings came flowing out of me without much effort. It hasn't.

So here I go. I'm all in, whether I like it or not.. After all, I am fighting for an important cause. I'm fighting for me. And that's the most important cause of all.

One Step At A Time

"Faith is taking the first step 

even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(1929-1968)

I'm 37 today. Thirty seven.

How did I get here?  How have Jake & I just had the privilege of celebrating our 8th year of marriage already?  It's a privilege that we fought for - a privilege that we have very much earned the right to celebrate.  After all, a lot of marriages don't even make it this far, sad to say.

Truthfully, I must say with each passing year, the twinge in my heart gets a little deeper.

And there is a sadness, hidden behind the celebration of blessings.  Amid the thankfulness of another year, there is something missing.  No, not something, but someone.

For another year of trying to have a child has passed.

Yet we pray, we hope, we believe - that we will be parents some day.

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of faith is believing what we cannot see.  No, not God - for I see Him daily in numerous ways, but rather His Plan for my life.

It is hard for me to see His Plan, bc I am limited by my very human eyes.  And try as I might, I just can't see the whole picture - the Greater Plan.

And no, I may not know why certain things happen or don't happen.  I may never know this side of Heaven;  however, at times, I do see glimpses His Plan.

So with each year that passes, I cling to my faith.  And I forge on, one step at a time, even if I don't see the whole staircase.

Midnight Thoughts

It's a little after midnight on Saturday morning. Time is tick, tick, ticking away & I don't seem to be winding down for bed anytime soon. Although I am extremely exhausted.

Only hours ago, Dad got released from the hospital with a PICC line & will be on IV antibiotics & then oral after that. Hopefully, this will nix this infection & he will not be need for surgery.

Stress is funny. And my body reacts to stress all the time. I hate to say that I'm in pain, but I am. And things between Jake & I have been strained for days. Again, I so need him to be my safe place to fall & truthfully, I don't know if he knows how to be that.

I love him so much. And we've been getting along better than ever. Seriously. My marriage has never been better. It's difficult though when both of us are pulled in what seems like in a million different directions, both by our own devices & by family.

I just need time away. There is a part of me that desperately needs to connect, not only to Jake, but close friends as well. The ones who truly know me & who love me, without condition. I need to be recharged {:)

So, hopefully, things will fall into place soon... for everyone. Until then, I'll just keep typing out my thoughts & praying, knowing that things will happen when & how they are supposed to be.

Sleep awaits.

Through My Fingers

Right now, Dad is in the hospital, with an infection at his difibulator site. Praying that it's an infection just under the skin & not an abscess that requires a transfer to a second hospital & is way more serious than where we stand now.

{Time passes.}

I just got a call from mom. It is with tears streaming down that I say these words. Aunt Elaine's cancer is getting worse. They have done all they can for her at her current hospital & are trying to get her into Hopkins.

I hate this. I love her so much. So very, very much. It almost feels as if everyone I love is slipping right through my fingers. I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Pull them close, cherish them. Almost as if my love would be enough to sustain them.

It's no wonder that my post are few & far between. My life with Jake - our marriage - is better than it's ever been, but a marriage is only one part. Not everything. I have started what seems like a million entries. All unfinished. All unpublished.

I'm not sure I can even put words to thoughts with all this brokenness around me.

Blogging Boldly: About Last Night

Dear Jacob,

I hate it when we fight. It is like something is not right in the universe. I hate the distance it puts between us. Especially when things have been going so great with us like it has recently. We don't fight often, but when we do it can get nasty. The good thing though is we don't stay mad for long.

Last night, we both said things we didn't mean. And acted in ways that was unbecoming of both of us. In reality, we both should treat each other a little nicer. I just get so irritated that I can asks for something to be done & it won't be done for months, yet your dad can ask you to do the same task for him & you make it a priority to do it for him, without a second thought.

I know you father says he has to wait for you to do things for him too, but it's not the same. Only days compared to my months. I guess I'm just wondering when your going to make me & our family a priority.

I know your frustrated & exhausted. I am too. You say I don't listen, yet I listen to every word. On the other hand, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know your thoughts unless you tell me them. And you shouldn't expect me to know things you haven't told me.

I am not prefect, by any means. And God knows I am not the prefect wife. If you asked me, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what a perfect one would look like. I just know it is not me. Likewise, I'm in no way asking you to be perfect either. Just better. I know I can do better too. We both can do better.

So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Love you. Always.

Moments

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

Historically, I haven't been fond of this holiday. For starters, it was the day many, many years ago now that I picked to get married to my former fiance, Mark. As if I'm speaking a foreign language, it has always seemed strange to me to call him my former fiance & I must admit I have always struggled with what to call him exactly.

We never broke up. We just didn't call it a day & move on going our separate ways. We just didn't decide not to do it. One day, just an ordinary day like any other, Mark was killed by a drunk driver.

Perhaps it is the years gone me that has changed things, but I still view him as A Stepping Stone. A place that I was so meant to be at in the moment, but just wasn't meant to stay. At the time, I didn't see it that way, but I do now.

Again, God's timing & plan are perfect. Just perfect. He had other plans for me. Other purposes. Things just were not meant to happen they way I thought they were going to or how I thought they should be.

I must admit, it feels a little strange to say that pertaining to Mark. Almost as if it were to make who he was to me less important. Or the lessens I learned from him less valuable. I know this isn't true, but part of me feels as if it true. Let me say it again, I know this is not true, but sometimes, it feels true.

Sometimes it is difficult to wish life was different. How we wanted or planned vs. in reality what is. I can't do that though. I can't live in the past. I can't play the what if game.Doing that doesn't serve me (or anyone around me) well. I have learned that living in the past should not be done. Bc when you live in the past, you miss the present. You miss the moments. The moments that life is all about.

So, yesterday, was awesome. It was filled with ordinary, not so extraordinary moments. Being ever so thankful, not living in the past, praising & being in awe of it all moments. Spending time with the one I was meant to be with. Reflecting on the past, but living in the present. Taking not one single circumstance or second for granted.

Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Hide & Seek

Recently, I read this post from MckMama's blog & I've been pondering somethings... Actually, I've been thinking about the same things she talks about in her post well before I had read it. It's a good read, with some really good points, so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. But only if you wish to do so. {:)

Living boldly is hard. Blogging boldly is even more difficult. Or is it the other way around? Some days I think it's both, or one over the other depending on the day. No matter how honest I am or how much I try to be authentic, sometimes I still find myself editing when I don't mean to or just automatically, which ever the case may be.

There are lots of times lately, say in the past year or so, that I find myself in a place that I do not ever wish I was in & I was (am) out of my comfort zone; however, I have grown from those places & learned from those places. Does it make it all worth it? Maybe, but at the time I'm in those places, I don't want to think of that.

Although, I must say, that since I started this blog, I do try to write from my heart as often as I can - with a bold honesty that, yes, sometimes takes me out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to pretend that I have it all together when I don't. That Jake & I aren't struggling when we are. That I am not upset or angry when I am, in fact, pissed. Who am I fooling? Certainly not myself. Certainly not God.

Being honest now, I must say that right this very moment - for days now, I have been pissed. That I'm not only just mad, but I'm pissed at God. Why? Well, for right now, that's going to have to stay between me & Him. Maybe there will come a time when I will share - maybe that time will never come.

This is nothing new. It has happened before. Many, many times. What is different now? Now, I am closer to God then I have ever been & my relationship with Him has never, ever been so real.

So real, in fact that it is hard to ignore Him & even more difficult to push him away. It's as if He is saying, "I'm here. Right here and I am not going anywhere, regardless if you are mad or not. Push all you want. I'll still be here." In fact, I know that's what He is saying.

So great - just great - I'm pissed & I have to deal with it too? Talk about living boldly. Now that's being honest. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to admit that I'm mad at God right at this moment, when I have done so in the past & I've not only done so, but I have done so rather loudly.

Maybe it's bc even when I'm mad, He continues to change me, give me gifts, & bless me in many ways. Or maybe it's bc of this journey I am on & that I am closer now then I have ever been. This time it's much more personal. This time, He is harder to ignore, harder to run from, harder to hide from... That no matter just how much I do run, the truth remains that I simply cannot hide.

I never could. Bc no matter where I try to hide, He is always seeking me.

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.

Doubting

Jake & I seem to be going through a rough patch - struggling more than usual. Right this moment it is tough for many reasons:

We are both sick & tired & sick of being tired (literally);

We are experiencing huge family changes, & we do not see eye to eye on them ;

They're doesn't seem to be enough of us to go around;

We don't have two nickles to rub together;

At a time when we should be reaching out, we are doing the opposite, so when we need others to rally around, it seems no one is there;

We have to struggle to find time for us - to do the things we want to do & reconnect with one another.

I will be the first to admit, I am not perfect. There are times when I am wrong. Lots of times. I don't always handle things the right way or say the right things.

I am but merely human. I have flaws - many of them.

Right now, the place we are at is not a good place to be - at all. And not a moment goes by that I absolutely hate it.

I love my husband - deeply. And I know he loves me.

We will make it through these struggles, I know we will; deep down I know that is the truth, but I just wish that the truth I know is what I believed.

The Begining of Forever

I am so undoubtedly in love with my husband. I really am.

I have known Jake since 1995, we met at community college. He was one of my best guy friends. We did a lot together - running Disabled Students Association together, both being extremely active on all the clubs on campus, going on leadership retreats etc... I was so smitten by him then it was insane, enough to drive a person crazy if she let it.

He had no clue. The only that knew the total truth was my best friend, Thea. One day, well - several days actually -I confessed my love for him and told her one day I would marry him. Not wanting to risk the great friendship we had, I stayed silent and he remained clueless.

Then in 1999, I graduated and moved on to a University to pursue my next degree. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I had, I might not have the degrees I do now.

See, the college I was at was, to say the least, warm and fuzzy, but it was on the brink of changing - combining with two other area community colleges to become one college that had many campuses. I had numerous meaningful relationships from there and I feared that if I didn't make a clean break, I would never be able to leave. So I left, leaving everything and everyone behind.

Years later, in 2003, I became a student recruiter for my university and had returned to the very college I had run from four years before. To my surprise (and delight), Jake was still there, so we chatted and I mentioned we should get together. We had exchanged numbers, and I didn't bother to tell him that I still had his number in my address book at home.

Over the next couple of weeks we talked a lot on the phone, which I find ironic now because Jake HATES talking on the phone. We would talk for hours, even falling asleep on each other many nights.

Finally, we went out on March 16, 2003, the day before St. Patrick's Day. We went to see the movie "Bringing Down the House" staring Queen Latifa and Steve Martin at The Avenue. Afterwards we ate dinner at Red Brick Station then went to look around and chat at Barnes and Noble.

I was so giddy. I so loved his eyes. He has a funny thing he does with eyes and eyebrows, some would call it a quirk. I have always loved that about him. Of course, I have always been an eye person, ever since I can remember. And I truly believe, as cliche as it is, that the eyes are the windows of the soul.

Sometime during the evening, I had decided to risk it all. What did I have to lose? Nothing. So right there, in the Barnes and Noble Cafe, I asked him out. He said yes. We kissed and i told him. "I've waited eight years for that kiss." That was the beginning of forever.

You know what's funny about all of this? On one of our phone conversation before that night, I remember telling him that it was strange that over the last few weeks four guys had asked me out and I had turned them all down.

I know what you are thinking, I turned them down because I wanted to be with Jake. Wrong. You couldn't be more wrong. Strangely enough, this occurred in the weeks prior of reconnecting with him. I turned them all down because I didn't fore see my relationship or friendship with them turning into something more. And I so desperately wanted more.

For once, I was happy in my life, content where I was knowing that I was where I was supposed to be. Months prior, I had had enough. Enough of everything. Feeling like I wasn't enough, depressed because I was alone, disconnected from life, being distant from friends, and just hating life. Enough was enough, finally. Coming to that point was difficult but very needed. That's where faith came in.

My faith has been interesting to say the least. There have been many battles throughout my years with God. I love Him so much, yet there were many times when I hated Him. Believe it or not, it is during these times of hatred, discontent and questioning that my faith grew the most. I am a firm believer that prayer does not change God, it changes you. So I did what I had always done, prayed. This time was different though. I surrendered.

"Okay God. You know me, and you know what is best for me. You know and see the ultimate plan for my life, and I know it differs from my plan. I know that You have someone for me to be with and I trust You. I trust that You will send him to me in Your time, not mine. You are one in control, so I am handing it to You. I surrender my all."

Jake is not perfect. Not anywhere near perfect. There are times when he is very much a boy in a man's body; however, I have heard that he's not the only husband with that problem. We fight and disagree, but in the end, we love each other. We have had our struggles, and yes, I wish that he would get would get his act together, for the sake of the family we want. I must say though - I am not perfect either nor have I ever claimed to be.

Relationships - all of them - take work from both parties, it's very difficult to salvage a relationship that is one sided. Believe me. I've have tried. Jake loves me no matter what I've been through, where I came from, no matter how sick I get, how much I weigh or what I look like. Here is the most important though - he loves me no matter how broken I feel. How broken I am. He loves me, for me.