Just So I Know

I can't find my voice.  Not even to write a trusted friend, even though I know what I want to say.  I want the words to come.  I want the them to pour out of me like love pours out of me - effortlessly, without thought.

When did things get so complicated?  My thoughts entangle with muddled emotions.  I breath in, trying to remember what it feels like to breathe deep... trying to remember when things still made some sense.

I feel like I've lost myself or my mind or both, knowing that I've done neither is no comfort.  Slowly, the person I used to be peeks out wondering if it's safe now.

I want someone to fight for me.  Just like I would fight for them. Telling them to not give up, fight for life, it's worth it. Telling me what I know, but need to be reminded - things are tough I know, but you will make it through.

I want someone to hold my hand, just so I know they are there. Just so I know, I'm not alone.

Submitting

I hate this.

I am out of my comfort zone. Jake & I are going through something difficult*. Life changing. I was backed in a corner & forced to make the best decision not for me, but our family & for the sake of the family that we strongly desire.

* And I chose to not share what exactly we are struggling with at the moment. It is personal & private. I can count on one hand the people who know & can honestly say most of the people whom we are closest to do not know.

There is no question that this is not what I want but what needs to be done. And like it our not there is no turning back. Not now.

As a person & as a wife, I do not submit to others very easily. I did that enough as a child, & as an adult, it is not something I do often. Nor do I willfully desire it. So, when decisions needed to be made that was in the best interest for him - Reluctantly, I followed. I really didn't see any other way & trust me, there were no other options.

And it bc of my past experiences, I must confess I do not fully understand submitting to my husband. In Ephesians 5:22-24 (New International Version) the bible says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I know what this passage says. And just bc this is what the bible says a wife is supposed to do, doesn't me that I will do so in my marriage. It does not mean that it is an easy thing to do either. And I personally think that it does not make me a bad Christian, if I don't submit to my husband, but there are times that I do want to submit to him - well, bc he is my husband. And I do believe that part of my job as a wife is to submit to him.

I am his wife, right? I need to support him. Do what's best for him. I have to let him make decisions for us. He is my husband after all. And he is supposed to be the head of this family. Although if you were to look at our relationship historically, you would see that he has had a difficult time filling that role, which Jacob knows & freely admits.

This is so difficult. We will make it through this. And I know we will be better off in the long run... eventually. It's just that I feel a lot of shame & guilt that this is what it has come to. I never thought that I would be put in a situation where this would be the only option. And there is no other way to say this then - this sucks.

I can only do what I know to do & put my trust in God, but even that is difficult to do at the moment.