Decluttering Life

It's been way too long since I have written.  In my opinion, there aren't any excuses that are good enough to justify it, so I will spare you. Life just goes on and time goes by. And before you know it, nine months or so passes like it was nothing at all.

What bothers me the most is how easy it is for me to just stop writing, regardless of how therapeutic it is for me to write.  And when that happens, I tell myself that I'll write tomorrow or the next day, yet that day never comes.

It really is that simple and, yet, it seems so complicated.  Or overwhelming. Or both.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something big, yet I am not sure what exactly. For the past couple of weeks - months even, I've been trying to get my life - or at least my surroundings - together... slowly decluttering my life and making things simpler.  I don't know why, I just feel as if it is time.

It's the time for a lot of things really. It's time now.  And slowly, even if it's one word at a time, life will - hopefully - become simpler again.

Dear Betsy: Four Days Gone

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson,
American essayist, lecturer, and poet,

(1803-1803)

*Photo Credit: Facebook

In Loving Memory of
Betsy Mitchell Henning

Dearest Betsy,

It's only been four days. Four days since you've been gone.  Four days since the planet cracked open leaving a gaping whole in my heart.  This seems surreal. I'm still shocked.  Still devastated.  Still absolutely heartbroken.  

And I'm not the only one.  There is a whole community grieving. In fact, anyone that ever loved you is missing you right at this very moment.  Anyone that ever had the privileged of being loved by you is feeling a void right now... a void that you once filled.

By your own words, you're a "knitter, writer, cook, designer, parent, wife, puppeteer, leader, teacher, extrovert, liturgist, crank" who lived life as a "suburban Bohemian." 

To me, you were a life-loving, deep thinking, pink hair donning, non-judgmental Christian who lived life free of the box that other's tend to be confined in.  You were a a free spirit whom creativity just poured out of. You were real. You were authentic.

You were my friend. And I loved you.

I will miss our deep conversations about life, love & God.  I will miss your quirky sense of humor, your laughter, your smile & ever-present authentic hugs that were filled with unconditional love. I will miss the way you lit up a room just by being in it. Oh, how I'll miss your light & how bright it shined.

I keep thinking of Eric & Ian, who just turned eight.  I can only imagine how they are feeling right now. I think of how they have to find a new normal.  How they must go on, without you.  Still, it seems surreal.

And, truthfully, I'm struggling with making sense of how a little boy is without his mom. Or a husband is without the wife that he has loved so much for so long.

Then I think of how both Eric & Ian are so dearly loved by many, including by the God who loves us so much more than we even realize.  And how His timing is perfect, whether we agree with it or not.

Yes, there are some things that we are not meant to understand on this side of heaven.

For now, I give thanks. For you.  For your life. For your friendship. For your love.  Oh, how it was a privileged to be loved by you.

Ah, yes... your love.  Because of the love that poured out of you in every way, you will live on.  You will not be forgotten.  You have left this world better than you found it, simply because you lived & loved freely.

Yes, we will carry you with us in our hearts always.  And your light & your love will live on forever.

Forever in my heart,

Sayings Sunday: As If

"Every day should be passed as if it were to be our last."

~ Publilius Syrus,

Writer of maxims, flourished in the 1st century BC

Just So I Know

I can't find my voice.  Not even to write a trusted friend, even though I know what I want to say.  I want the words to come.  I want the them to pour out of me like love pours out of me - effortlessly, without thought.

When did things get so complicated?  My thoughts entangle with muddled emotions.  I breath in, trying to remember what it feels like to breathe deep... trying to remember when things still made some sense.

I feel like I've lost myself or my mind or both, knowing that I've done neither is no comfort.  Slowly, the person I used to be peeks out wondering if it's safe now.

I want someone to fight for me.  Just like I would fight for them. Telling them to not give up, fight for life, it's worth it. Telling me what I know, but need to be reminded - things are tough I know, but you will make it through.

I want someone to hold my hand, just so I know they are there. Just so I know, I'm not alone.

Wordless Wednesday: Simple Pleasures

{Somewhere in PA, 8.17.2012}

Friend Request

It's going to rain, I can feel it in my bones.  It's been off & on rain for days now.

From my window, I watch a man, who's wearing a wife-beater & has his long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, push an older man in a wheelchair down the middle of our one-way street. Secretly, I wonder what their stories are.

We all have a story.  Some more complicated & complex than others, but it is ours nonetheless.  We can choose to share it or not, with whomever we want.

Likewise, it is like that with our lives too.  Complicated & complex. Share it or not. Sometimes we don't have a choice of who is in our lives, other times we do.  It's just the way things happen.

People annoy me right now.  I just don't have the time, energy or desire to deal with people & their complexities when I have my own.

And, I am definitely not accepting any new friends. Request denied. Or so I thought.

I met Kate exactly a month ago yesterday.  She works at a place that I have chosen to invest my time, energy & love into. Somewhere that holds a very special place in my heart, but that's another post for another time.

When started volunteering there, I didn't expect to become friends with anyone. I didn't even try.  At all.

So imagine my surprise when Kate & I quickly became friends. It feels like we have known each other for forever.  I can't tell you how many times we have said how our friendship feels so easy.  Almost as if we're sisters.

It's been decades since I have made a friend so effortlessly, as it seems natural, totally different than my newly-formed friendships have felt in the past.  Kate & I are very alike in many ways.  Our husbands even get along.  In fact, they are similar in ways too. Go figure.

Since I'm struggling right now, I find it ironic that when I'm retreating from others, I want to be around Kate.  With all my trust issues, you would think I would run from her as fast as I can, but I don't.  Or at least I'm trying very hard not to run, wanting to hide.

She has been an amazing friend to me, which truly sounds strange given that she hasn't been my friend for long.  She probably would say the same about me.  You'd have to ask her though.  I try not to speak for my friends, especially when they can speak for themselves just fine.

With her, my walls are up, then they're down, then they're up again.  And that's okay.  It has to be at the moment, because I just don't have the energy for one more thing in my life not to be okay right now.  I'm more than grateful that she's patient with me.

So for now, as I struggle on, I give thanks all the blessings in my life.  Especially the beautiful ones that I didn't see coming.

Snowstorm

Inward, I retreat.

For over a month, I have disappeared.  Little outings, brief & far between. No church even.  Still.

People ask.  I have no words for them.  I struggle to figure it out myself.  I can't pinpoint it.  All I say is - when I figure it out myself, I will let you know.  That has to be enough for now.

I just can't give what I don't have. Faking it & fake smiles can only get me so far.  I'm overwhelmed.  Struggling for words - the least of my worries.

All I can think is it's a form of grief that needs to work itself out, as the second anniversary of Dad's passing & stuff is rapidly approaching.  I brush over the words "and stuff" like it's nothing, still unable to put words to monumental moments of my life on this very public blog.

I hate that there are walls still around my wounded heart, guarding it from further injury.  Right now, I'm more vulnerable than I have been in a long time, which makes me want to retreat to feel safe.

Even as I retreat, there's a closeness I crave.  A comfort.  A safe place to fall.  There are things that I know to be true, but long for reassurance.

With time, this too shall pass.  

For now, I forge on weathering the storm.


"Snowstorm" By: Jenn Bostic

Missing

So my birthday came & went with out much hoopla.  I'm 36 now, joy.   I'm slightly cynical nowadays a little too.  Not quite sure why & that's okay.  Tomorrow is mom's birthday. Often I wonder where the time has gone.

I miss dad & others all the time & seem to be struggling a little more then usual.  I can't quite figure out what  that is about either. I just know I'm slightly overwhelmed.  Many days it's more than slight.  I haven't been going to church for almost a month now, & it feels very weird.

Still I don't go.

I miss my life.  Some may even say they miss me. And I agree.

Saying Sundays: Shadows of Life

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Stays With You

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Stop The World

It still feels like I am moving in slow motion. The world spinning entirely too fast & life moving on while I am standing still trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life.

Just make it stop. Slow down. So I can hear You. I know You are here. And I know, beyond it all, I am loved.

Saying Sundays: Look Deeply

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer
b.1926

Saying Sundays: What Counts The Most

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

~~ Abraham Lincoln, 16th United States President,
who brought about the emancipation of the slaves,
1809-1865

Reflections of Lent

Avoidance.

We all do it. Some more than others. So when Lent rolled around & I gave it up.

So for 40 days, I did things I didn't want to do. Had conversations, wrote e-mails, completed task, got things in order I had be putting off.

Truth be told, I never expected it to be so damn difficult. And often found my myself asking "What the hell was I thinking?" Any change or, to be more exact, growth is difficult. At least it should be.

We are human. Flawed & beautiful. And our actions & reactions matter.

I will not lie. There are times when I wished that I could just forget about Lent & go on avoiding. It is so much easier to do that. More convenient. Less painful.

I had conversations with people that were difficult. Some didn't end well. And relationships were forever altered - both in good ways & not so good ways. At the very least, I know I stayed true to not only my word, but who I am.

I cannot say that I don't have regrets about the past weeks. I do. I regret not trusting myself enough to listen to my inner instincts. I now know that some things are better left unsaid. That sometimes that raw intense in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling means something.

But (yes, there is always a but) I do not regret what I know now bc of not listening to such a feeling. I now know that some people aren't who they say they are (a lesson that I have ever-so-painfully learned before & somehow keep forgetting).

That sometimes words are just words. And even though the intention behind it may be good, actions may not follow. And there are some who, believe it or not, just do not truly mean what they say.

I have also learned that sometimes you may find a friend (or two) in that person who you never got a chance to really know, even after years of sitting in front of them every Sunday. That some friends who love you do so unconditionally.

That even when I feel displaced, I not only have a place to be, but I'm right where I need to be. And, even more importantly, that even though I may feel disconnected, I am still very much connected & sometimes, just sometimes, those connections are deeper than I ever knew.

Just think... all of that bc I decided that it was time to stop avoiding life & just let it happen.

My Redeemer

Happy Easter to you & those you love. Hold your love ones near & cherish them. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? {:)

Without Limits

Life has a way of catching up to us...



In single moments, like snapshots



of a child's face, who is destined



to be a big brother.



I am so very lucky to love



this family, without limits...



And truly blessed to witness it.

Overdrive

My days are running together. And this week, although nothing special, is happening way too fast for me.

Everything is in slow motion. I am exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive since last Sunday. And I so want to turn it off, only for a little while. I cannot help that I am a thinker. And I'm not a drinker, but if I was I would be drunk by now, even though I know that drinking wouldn't make anything better.

For days now, I've been in survival mode, not living but just existing. And I'm not even sure why. Have you ever had conversations you wish you never had? Or knew something you wish you never knew?

That's where I'm at. Just trying to make sense of a conversation that, well, doesn't make much sense at all. Or maybe it does. I don't know. What I do know is that every one's perception differs. And things can be taken differently than they were intended.

And, unfortunately, I know from past experience that misunderstandings can change relationships in ways that forever alters them. In ways that forever alter me. They alter not only me, but how I interact with the world, and if not the world, how I interact with certain people.

It's just that when things get too complicated, when your words convey something not intended, it may be time to move on. Maybe this isn't the path I'm supposed to be on anyway.

All I know is I don't know where I'm headed, but I know I can't stay in the place I'm at. I can only learn from it & move on.

Wordless Wednesday: Life, Death & The Beauty of It All

Taken: October 21, 2006