Words

I've been thinking a lot lately about words.  How words can change things. How words can affect others. How words are powerful.  Our words are more powerful than we realize.

Words can tear people down or build them up. And our choices mean everything.

I really try to be careful with my words. I try to build others up every chance I get.  I try to leave others better than I found them.  Sometimes I fail at that, but most of the time I'm successful.  At least I hope I am. People tell me I'm gifted with writing.  They say I'm gifted with words.

It has taken me forever to honor my gifts.  I didn't always believe the truth.  There's been many people in my life that spent a lot of time destroying my self esteem.  They wrote on the slate of who I was changing who I was meant to be.

Thankfully, I have had a lot of people in my life who spent a lot of time trying to build me back up.  They saw something I didn't see.  They saw the truth.  Not only did they believe in me, but they loved me when I didn't even love myself.

I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's suddenly losing my dear friend, Betsy. Maybe it's the place Jake & I are in lately, which has not without it's challenges.  Maybe it's looking back & wishing that I would have used my time more wisely with those who, for whatever reason, are no longer a part of my life.

I am not perfect.  No one is.  I make mistakes.  I say wrong things. I go over conversations in my head, time & again, wishing I had a do-over; however, I also try to be careful with my words.  I try to be kind.  I try to build others up.  Encourage them. And I pray that, more often than not, my words have left others better than when I found them, even if the place I found them was great.

Dear Betsy: Four Days Gone

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson,
American essayist, lecturer, and poet,

(1803-1803)

*Photo Credit: Facebook

In Loving Memory of
Betsy Mitchell Henning

Dearest Betsy,

It's only been four days. Four days since you've been gone.  Four days since the planet cracked open leaving a gaping whole in my heart.  This seems surreal. I'm still shocked.  Still devastated.  Still absolutely heartbroken.  

And I'm not the only one.  There is a whole community grieving. In fact, anyone that ever loved you is missing you right at this very moment.  Anyone that ever had the privileged of being loved by you is feeling a void right now... a void that you once filled.

By your own words, you're a "knitter, writer, cook, designer, parent, wife, puppeteer, leader, teacher, extrovert, liturgist, crank" who lived life as a "suburban Bohemian." 

To me, you were a life-loving, deep thinking, pink hair donning, non-judgmental Christian who lived life free of the box that other's tend to be confined in.  You were a a free spirit whom creativity just poured out of. You were real. You were authentic.

You were my friend. And I loved you.

I will miss our deep conversations about life, love & God.  I will miss your quirky sense of humor, your laughter, your smile & ever-present authentic hugs that were filled with unconditional love. I will miss the way you lit up a room just by being in it. Oh, how I'll miss your light & how bright it shined.

I keep thinking of Eric & Ian, who just turned eight.  I can only imagine how they are feeling right now. I think of how they have to find a new normal.  How they must go on, without you.  Still, it seems surreal.

And, truthfully, I'm struggling with making sense of how a little boy is without his mom. Or a husband is without the wife that he has loved so much for so long.

Then I think of how both Eric & Ian are so dearly loved by many, including by the God who loves us so much more than we even realize.  And how His timing is perfect, whether we agree with it or not.

Yes, there are some things that we are not meant to understand on this side of heaven.

For now, I give thanks. For you.  For your life. For your friendship. For your love.  Oh, how it was a privileged to be loved by you.

Ah, yes... your love.  Because of the love that poured out of you in every way, you will live on.  You will not be forgotten.  You have left this world better than you found it, simply because you lived & loved freely.

Yes, we will carry you with us in our hearts always.  And your light & your love will live on forever.

Forever in my heart,

Reclaiming My Voice

Somewhere between here & there, I lost my words... and time just... well, went on.  So many times, I wish I could say certain things & write about them on here or just write abt them at all.

Still months passed, and nothing came, even though things begged to be written.

Then, much like a scolded child peeking around the corner wondering if it is safe to come out again, words began slowly seeping out - hoping not to be noticed.

Here's the thing though: words written by a writer, more specifically - words written by me - need to be read.  Isn't that the point?

To be authentic. 
To be true.  
To be real.

To at least one trusted person, who loves me.  No matter what.

For years, writing has been therapeutic.  Such a good outlet for me, especially to let things out that aren't so... pretty.  Things that aren't so... perfect.  I write abt tough stuff.  Stuff that most people would rather forget.

Here's the thing abt forgetting though - there is no healing in forgetting.  Or pretending to forget.  Or just pretending... period. So for now, I write some things in private. And some things in public too.

I'll find the words.  I'll reclaim my voice.  And I'll be back.

Joy Restored

Joy [joi]
noun

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2. a source of cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

*Source: Dictionary.com

It happened shortly after the new year began.  I was given a unexpected gift.  Something beautiful.

God has restored my joy.

After many years of struggle - of nights wading through the trenches, of days spent clawing my way out of the muddy mess of what was left of my life as I knew once knew it -  joy has returned like an old beloved friend coming home.

People say I'm glowing.  They say that there is a beauty about me that is radiating - a light that bursting from within.

Me, 2.1.2013

This is not happiness.  This is joy.  Pure joy.

It's difficult to explain to those who have never felt it.  And I have no idea why God decided it was time to grant me a reprieve. There is no mistake - no logical explanation.  This is a gift from Him & I am overflowing with gratitude.

Little has changed with my life.  We are still wading in deep waters. Trying to keep our heads above the unpredictable raging waves, but calmer waters are ahead. I feel it in my soul. 

Joy restored. A true gift of love radiating from within.

Just So I Know

I can't find my voice.  Not even to write a trusted friend, even though I know what I want to say.  I want the words to come.  I want the them to pour out of me like love pours out of me - effortlessly, without thought.

When did things get so complicated?  My thoughts entangle with muddled emotions.  I breath in, trying to remember what it feels like to breathe deep... trying to remember when things still made some sense.

I feel like I've lost myself or my mind or both, knowing that I've done neither is no comfort.  Slowly, the person I used to be peeks out wondering if it's safe now.

I want someone to fight for me.  Just like I would fight for them. Telling them to not give up, fight for life, it's worth it. Telling me what I know, but need to be reminded - things are tough I know, but you will make it through.

I want someone to hold my hand, just so I know they are there. Just so I know, I'm not alone.

Stream of Consciousness: Better Than This

Dear So & So,

Hello.  Remember me?  Your so-called best friend?  Hi, how ya doing?  How ya been?  So long, no see... go figure.  Out of respect - & yes, even love - for our friendship, I will leave your name out of this.  As always, I'm writing for myself, so if you read this or not really does not matter.

Where are you?  I don't get it... I really don't.  My dad died, other life things happened, which caused my world to crash.  And for once, the person who was always there for you, needed you.  I reached out, the best I could any way.  You couldn't even return a text.  Who does that?  Not me.

Here it is late at night, & I can't sleep, bc I am thinking abt you.  It's bad enough to miss someone not living anymore, but you -  you are living & sometimes, my heart hurts so much, I cannot breathe.

I keep going over things in my head.  It just doesn't make sense.  So many years of friendship... & it comes down to this?  What the hell?

I'm resisting calling you... here at almost 2 AM.  Do you remember?  Do you remember all those late night talks we would have?  All those nights you needed me.  In my head, I just can't get wrap my brain around anything that would make sense for things to be like they are.  It just doesn't add up.

I wasn't the perfect friend, but I tried.  I was there for you.  I was there for you, even when it was was difficult for me to be.  I don't think I could have been a better friend, but maybe I'm wrong.  For once, I needed you.  I needed you instead of you needing me.  And the thing that really gets me is you knew I needed you.

For once, things flipped-flopped.

Still.  This isn't abt keeping score.  It's abt the fact that I miss you.  Can't you even send me a text sometime?  You, who are attached to your phone.  I would love to see you.  Hear your voice.  I miss laughing with you.  I miss just being with you.

Sure, I get it. It's awkward. Well, it's awkward for me too.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt bad.  And yes, you did that.  There's no getting around that.

Just admit it, say you're sorry & let's move on.  Aren't we better than this?

I reach out, & pray that you will reach back.  With every text - with every attempt - I wonder if this will be the time that will make things right between us.  Secretly, deep down, I wonder if things will ever be somewhat normal between us again.

I love you.  I always have.  I still do.  I always will love you.  Remember that.  I get that some friends aren't meant to be friends forever, & if that is us... well, then that's us.  I can't do anything abt it.  I won't force you to stay.

I will, however, always be thankful for you & your friendship, for however long you choose to stay.

Love You. Always.

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

Snowstorm

Inward, I retreat.

For over a month, I have disappeared.  Little outings, brief & far between. No church even.  Still.

People ask.  I have no words for them.  I struggle to figure it out myself.  I can't pinpoint it.  All I say is - when I figure it out myself, I will let you know.  That has to be enough for now.

I just can't give what I don't have. Faking it & fake smiles can only get me so far.  I'm overwhelmed.  Struggling for words - the least of my worries.

All I can think is it's a form of grief that needs to work itself out, as the second anniversary of Dad's passing & stuff is rapidly approaching.  I brush over the words "and stuff" like it's nothing, still unable to put words to monumental moments of my life on this very public blog.

I hate that there are walls still around my wounded heart, guarding it from further injury.  Right now, I'm more vulnerable than I have been in a long time, which makes me want to retreat to feel safe.

Even as I retreat, there's a closeness I crave.  A comfort.  A safe place to fall.  There are things that I know to be true, but long for reassurance.

With time, this too shall pass.  

For now, I forge on weathering the storm.


"Snowstorm" By: Jenn Bostic

For Promise

Spent the day just hanging around the the house, enjoying this BEAUTIFUL weather, & watching Jake tinker around with this & that.  And as always, as it seems to be now adays, reflecting on life.

Tomorrow, I head off to help with & attend one of my friend's co-ed bridal shower.  I am so excited for Rachel & Brian.  Nervous too. As the wedding rapidly approaches & time is disappearing, I have to wonder if it all will get done.

I ask the question, almost instantly, I know the answer. It will. It  always does. 

I am excited for them.  They are amazing people who are faith-believing, God-centered seekers of Him, who are full of hope & promise for the world, for life, for each other.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for them.

Reflecting always gets to me in a a sentimental way.  It seems it wasn't so long ago, Jake & I were that couple. And now, we blink & 7 years have gone by. So hard to believe.  Yet not.

I hear 7 years & I can't help & think that it was my parents at their 7th year were already separated & heading for divorce.  I am beyond grateful that I will not repeat their mistakes.  I wonder what promise they had for their life?

I slowly close my eyes, draw in deep, reflect & I give thanks.

For my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends. For love. And for Promise.

Dear Mandy: Three Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

I went to sleep thinking of you & I woke up doing the same. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that three years ago today, you left this world.  How does time do that?

I miss you so much.  My life is very different now.  I wish you were here.  I long to hear your voice & miss your friendship beyond words.

I miss a lot of my friendships actually, not just yours.  Strangely though, most of the friends I miss are still here.  In a way, it is a different grief, longing & sadness.  Grieving for something I know will never be the same.  The realization that some best friends, aren't meant to be best forever - no matter how many years you have known them.

Not us though.  There are times when I feel you around me, although I wish it was more.  God, I miss you.  I think of you at least once every day.  Still.  I miss getting together with you, playing the Wii, scrapbooking, watching movies... all of it.

I miss just being with you.  Being your friend was always so easy.  With you, I never had to try to figure out anything.  I could just be who I was, whatever I was going through - no matter what. I miss that.

I hate that I have lost interest in things I used to love. Photography, scrapbooking, blogging, cook outs. Just being with people.  This didn't happen overnight.  It never does.  And it didn't happen bc of you.

I lost myself & I'm trying to find me again. That sounds so cliché, but nonetheless it's true.  I now understand that life is a simple series of beginning & ends - of starts & finishes.  I understand that it's people that make life so complicated.

I understand that life is precious.  And we only get one shot at it.  Like it or not, we were put on this earth for one reason & one reason only - to love one another.  Thank you, My Mandy, for doing just that.  Thank you for loving me.

Love Forever,

Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.

Love & Light

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

Saying Sunday: Sharing Keepsakes

"Keep all special thoughts and memories for lifetimes to come. Share these keepsakes with others to inspire hope and build from the past, which can bridge to the future."

~ Mattie Stepanek (1990-2004)

"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."

~ Charles H. Spurgeon

Saying Sundays: Easter 2011

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances."

~Robert Flatt

Mandy: Two Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

Oh, how it seems strange to fathom that so much time has passed. How in the world could it be 2 years already? So surreal.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you & miss you. You are, & always will be, a part of me. Oh, how I wish I could see what you see & know what you know, bc without doubt, it's got to be something.


This year has been unbelievably tough for me for many reasons & it has made me miss you even more. This year has taught me that friends like you are few & far between. And our friendship was undoubtedly something rare that I will always cherish.

God, I miss you so. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I still can't believe you are not here. More often than not, there are days when I walk around dumb founded trying to figure out what is a miss. Then I remember.

It's you. You are what's missing.

I didn't think it was possible to miss you more than I already did, then dad died & everything fell apart bc it started with dad, but didn't end there.

Life is funny that way.

It's so ironic that you have to loose what's important to you to find what's important to you. Even more ironic is that when you lose you find out who matters &, more importantly, who you matter to.

You always mattered. You still do. That will never change. Either will my love for you or my undying gratefulness for you & your friendship in my life.

Such a blessing. A beautiful, beautiful blessing.

Love & Light Forever,

Trying To Remember

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.


I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.

Lent 2011: 2 AM Anxiety Freak Out (Day 3)

It's 2 AM & I can't sleep. Anxiety is getting the best of me.

In 11 days, I am going to friendnap Theresa & take her away out of state for the day. She has no clue where we are headed & I love it that way, so I'll leave where we are going a mystery on here too. At least for now. {:)

For hours now, I have felt nauseated. There is no doubt that I'm being triggered badly & I hate it. Really, really, really hate it.

About a day ago or so, I wrote her an e-mail. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate email & that it isn't my favorite choice of communication ever. There is some things that I need to share with her. These things are personal & private. Very personal & very private.

So There are things I need to share that - well, I'm scared to share. Afraid to say. As if they will be real when I speak them. Unable to try & convince myself that it didn't happen.

Not to me. Not again.

I feel as if I'm a child again keeping secrets. God, I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Literally.

Other then Jake, who only knows bc he is my husband (& well, how could he not know?), I have only told one other person & when that happened it slipped out - in some sort of anxiety-ridden frenzy that was induced by the life events which has occurred these last several months.

If it were up to me - no one would know. Hell, if it were up to me, it wouldn't have happened at all. The truth is I feel so much guilt & shame. I just want it to stop. I want to let it go.

I hate what my life has become.

I'm afraid if I speak out loud, it will change our friendship. I am afraid she won't love me anymore. Bc, let's face it - how in the world could anyone do that, right? I'm a little crazy. Or at least it feels that way.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing.

I have to let go. I have to let go of this. I can't hold onto it anymore. After all, I'm supposed to working on letting go of things for Lent. Right?

We will still be friends. She will still love me. I know this. How? Bc I know her. It's as simple as that. And she will - love me no matter what. She has told me so. And I believe her.

Even though I know that is the the truth, it doesn't feel true. Somewhere along the way, somethings happened to make the truth feel wrong. Lies that are embedded in my brain that I'm not even conscience of are influencing me & my behavior. Those lies need to go away. Go away now.

I need TPM. Seriously.

I am second guessing myself. And I need to stop. Why does every freaking thing need to be so complicated? Friendnapping was supposed to be fun. How did this happen?

I hold my head in my hands & know that it is only a matter of time. I just pray that the words will come when they are meant to come & they are received gently & met with love.

And in the end, I am, indeed, loved no matter what.

Lent 2011: Reflections of Ash Wednesday (Day 2)

Last night, I attended the most amazing Ash Wednesday service at church. It difficult to explain, if you didn't attend.

There was scripture, meditation, a lot of prayer, singing, harp playing. A lot of time to reflect. All which lasted only a short hour, but was amazing.

I cannot lie - as amazing that it was, it was difficult fro me. Everything is difficult it seems now. To focus on ashes, the whole purpose to realize that we were created in our human physical form, which will not last forever. From ashes we were created & to ashes we will return.

Somehow, death is different for me now & I can't explain it. Last night, I spent a lot of time thinking of Dad, myself, crying & remembering how it feels to breath & to not only do it, but do it deeply.

Patsy lead us in the amazing meditation. One that I wish I had a recording of it, so I could do it again. Truly amazing, especially for me. Historically, it is very difficult for me to relax, but last night, at least for a little while it wasn't. My guess is it has lots to do with trust & for whatever reason I was able to be in a place where I felt safe & loved.

I thought a lot about what to give up or add, for that matter, for Lent, something which I should have thought of before yesterday, but didn't. Last year I gave up avoidance, remember? Something that challenged me & change me in many ways. This year, the only thin g I could think of is to make a conscience effort to blog daily.

Then after reflection & much consideration & deep thought - it came to me. For Lent, I'm going to work on letting go. What that means exactly, well, I'm still trying to figure that out. Letting go of what I'm not sure, but I do hope by letting go that I find myself again.