Missing

So my birthday came & went with out much hoopla.  I'm 36 now, joy.   I'm slightly cynical nowadays a little too.  Not quite sure why & that's okay.  Tomorrow is mom's birthday. Often I wonder where the time has gone.

I miss dad & others all the time & seem to be struggling a little more then usual.  I can't quite figure out what  that is about either. I just know I'm slightly overwhelmed.  Many days it's more than slight.  I haven't been going to church for almost a month now, & it feels very weird.

Still I don't go.

I miss my life.  Some may even say they miss me. And I agree.

Forever Blessed

Sometime in the early morning, I will awake & know I'm only hours away from seeing her.  For the love of the good Lord above, I do not know how so much time has passed. Nine years or nearly that to be exact.

I am forever blessed bc Deanna has loved me for so many years.  Thinking back, she has loved me when I made it difficult to love me.  I think that of a lot of my friends whom I have known for so long, not just Dee.

Still. She loved me through the depression, through the tough stuff, through the unspeakable stuff, even when I pushed her away.  She assures me that our friendship was never one sided, but over the years, I have felt, & remembered back, that it was.  Or at least it felt that way.  To me, she has always given more to me than she has taken.  I feel blessed that she feels this is not true.

I will see her & meet two of her three precious kids, another visible reminder of truly how much time has passed.  And I can't wait.  Deep down, I wish - hope, really - that one day she will meet my kids too. God willing.

I am nervous, but I'm unsure why.  Maybe it's bc I am unable to hide from her. She can see right through me.  She always could.  And the truth is, I've been hiding a lot.  In the unwritten blog posts, from friends, still unable to speak abt certain things out loud.

I will be okay though. I know it.  I've had some set backs, but I've also had some breakthroughs. Thank God for breakthroughs... breakthroughs & friends who will stand with me through the tough stuff.

I am blessed.  Forever blessed.

Saying Sundays: Inexpressible

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.

~Arthur Schopenhauer

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

Update: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Yesterday, my Dad had the heart surgery - an ablation - that he needed to stop his heart from going into VT. The doctors seem very pleased with the results. And I'll be happy if he never sees that rhythm again.

Believe it or not, he was doing so well they released him today. So Jake & I picked him up from the hospital & took him home tonight. Hopefully, he will continue getting better & continue to get the much needed rest he needs (truly believing that at home is where the real healing begins).

People ask me time & again, how I'm getting through this and the answer is always the same: with faith that things will turn out how they are meant to be. Now, I just need to continue having the same faith.

Dad will always be - well, Dad. He will make his own mind up about things, be stubborn, strong willed & a fighter no matter what. That can be both a good & bad thing.

He has made it all too painfully clear to me, by both his words & actions that he will continue to live as he always has, & no matter how bad it gets (& how much the doctors warn & I plea) he will continue to drink & smoke - much to my dismay & disappointment.

While I am overjoyed that he is feeling much better & came through this crisis, part of me is heartbroken too. I truly love my Dad & would love nothing more but to have him a part of my life for as long as God allows.

Ideally, I would love him to be a big part of my children's lives too. And since we have no children yet, I realize that this may be too much to ask & something that may never happen.

But for now, I will just give thanks. Thanks to my friends who are supportive & genuinely care, thanks for all the prayers, thanks for God for not only bringing me to this, but through it. And most of all, thanks to God again for letting me have more time with my dad - no matter how long that may be.