Decluttering Life

It's been way too long since I have written.  In my opinion, there aren't any excuses that are good enough to justify it, so I will spare you. Life just goes on and time goes by. And before you know it, nine months or so passes like it was nothing at all.

What bothers me the most is how easy it is for me to just stop writing, regardless of how therapeutic it is for me to write.  And when that happens, I tell myself that I'll write tomorrow or the next day, yet that day never comes.

It really is that simple and, yet, it seems so complicated.  Or overwhelming. Or both.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something big, yet I am not sure what exactly. For the past couple of weeks - months even, I've been trying to get my life - or at least my surroundings - together... slowly decluttering my life and making things simpler.  I don't know why, I just feel as if it is time.

It's the time for a lot of things really. It's time now.  And slowly, even if it's one word at a time, life will - hopefully - become simpler again.

Stream of Consciousness: Better Than This

Dear So & So,

Hello.  Remember me?  Your so-called best friend?  Hi, how ya doing?  How ya been?  So long, no see... go figure.  Out of respect - & yes, even love - for our friendship, I will leave your name out of this.  As always, I'm writing for myself, so if you read this or not really does not matter.

Where are you?  I don't get it... I really don't.  My dad died, other life things happened, which caused my world to crash.  And for once, the person who was always there for you, needed you.  I reached out, the best I could any way.  You couldn't even return a text.  Who does that?  Not me.

Here it is late at night, & I can't sleep, bc I am thinking abt you.  It's bad enough to miss someone not living anymore, but you -  you are living & sometimes, my heart hurts so much, I cannot breathe.

I keep going over things in my head.  It just doesn't make sense.  So many years of friendship... & it comes down to this?  What the hell?

I'm resisting calling you... here at almost 2 AM.  Do you remember?  Do you remember all those late night talks we would have?  All those nights you needed me.  In my head, I just can't get wrap my brain around anything that would make sense for things to be like they are.  It just doesn't add up.

I wasn't the perfect friend, but I tried.  I was there for you.  I was there for you, even when it was was difficult for me to be.  I don't think I could have been a better friend, but maybe I'm wrong.  For once, I needed you.  I needed you instead of you needing me.  And the thing that really gets me is you knew I needed you.

For once, things flipped-flopped.

Still.  This isn't abt keeping score.  It's abt the fact that I miss you.  Can't you even send me a text sometime?  You, who are attached to your phone.  I would love to see you.  Hear your voice.  I miss laughing with you.  I miss just being with you.

Sure, I get it. It's awkward. Well, it's awkward for me too.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt bad.  And yes, you did that.  There's no getting around that.

Just admit it, say you're sorry & let's move on.  Aren't we better than this?

I reach out, & pray that you will reach back.  With every text - with every attempt - I wonder if this will be the time that will make things right between us.  Secretly, deep down, I wonder if things will ever be somewhat normal between us again.

I love you.  I always have.  I still do.  I always will love you.  Remember that.  I get that some friends aren't meant to be friends forever, & if that is us... well, then that's us.  I can't do anything abt it.  I won't force you to stay.

I will, however, always be thankful for you & your friendship, for however long you choose to stay.

Love You. Always.

Here I Am

So, it seems like forever ago since I have blogged & I guess, in some strange way, it has been. Almost a month now.

My computer is not feeling so well at the moment & I'm not quite sure what's going on with it or how to fix it, so I have to log on to my FIL's computer & I don't like to spend a lot of time on there if I can help it.

I always find time fascinating. How it continues on despite everything. It's the one constant that is an entity of its own.

Dad has been gone for over eight months now. And in 2 days, Mandy will be gone for two years. That's crazy. I'm baffled really.

I have found, at least as it relates to me, time does not heal wounds, as the cliche implies, but rather changes things. Or perhaps it is me who changes. If I had to guess, I would say it is a little of both.

I'm just been thinking a lot about everything & everyone. I've been reflecting on a lot of stuff lately, that of which all falls under the great & all encompassing umbrella of life. And death, I suppose.

I do not have all the answers, but then again, I never claimed to. All that I am certain of is that I am changing & growing, as I struggle to find my place among the living again.

Not that I died, but when you are dealing with grieving, no matter what or who you are grieving for, it feels as if a part of you has died. And parts of me did die, in a sense.

So, here I am. As time goes on, so do I. Despite it all.

Uncharted Waters

My life these past few months has not been easy. Not that I want it to be easy; although I must admit, it would be nice to just be a little bit easier.

I have been avoiding posting to this blog for many reasons, some of which are known to me & others which are not. Quite truthfully, I have struggled with daily life, as much as I have struggled to find the words to express myself.

When things have been bad, & I mean really bad, I would focus on anything good to get me through. Whether it would be a smile, a hug, some kind words, a phone call, or even an unprompted text.

Believe it or not, I have not been depressed. Only grieving, which in itself is very different from depression. I should know - I have depression for nearly 20 years & have grieved for many along the way... too many to count.

However this grief is unlike any other. It's an entity of its own.

And that is as difficult for me to explain as it is for others to understand. Most of my friends have never lost a parent, so they can't comprehend. And honestly, part of me still wishes that I was still naive to such a world altering moment unlike any other I have ever known.

And for any of you who truly know me, know that I have had many of those along the way.

So, for now, I must say I am doing the best I can. Taking the day as it comes & sometimes even that is difficult to do, but that just has to be enough for now... as I forge on in uncharted waters.

Saying Sundays: Keep Moving Forward

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we are curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

~ Walt Disney
(1901-1966)

Overdrive

My days are running together. And this week, although nothing special, is happening way too fast for me.

Everything is in slow motion. I am exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive since last Sunday. And I so want to turn it off, only for a little while. I cannot help that I am a thinker. And I'm not a drinker, but if I was I would be drunk by now, even though I know that drinking wouldn't make anything better.

For days now, I've been in survival mode, not living but just existing. And I'm not even sure why. Have you ever had conversations you wish you never had? Or knew something you wish you never knew?

That's where I'm at. Just trying to make sense of a conversation that, well, doesn't make much sense at all. Or maybe it does. I don't know. What I do know is that every one's perception differs. And things can be taken differently than they were intended.

And, unfortunately, I know from past experience that misunderstandings can change relationships in ways that forever alters them. In ways that forever alter me. They alter not only me, but how I interact with the world, and if not the world, how I interact with certain people.

It's just that when things get too complicated, when your words convey something not intended, it may be time to move on. Maybe this isn't the path I'm supposed to be on anyway.

All I know is I don't know where I'm headed, but I know I can't stay in the place I'm at. I can only learn from it & move on.

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.

Living In The Truth

Authentic [aw-then-tik]: not false or copied; genuine; real.

Over the past year, I have attempted to become more authentic. Something that I have craved to be well before this year. I have, as I always had, yearned to be a better person, to live in nothing but truth - to be the person I was meant to be, & fully embrace that change.

It has not been easy to except this journey I continue on, but nonetheless, I welcome it. Living in the truth, no matter what that truth is & no matter how much it hurts to face that truth sometimes is a daily struggle.

And living in the truth, striving to be authentic, has cost me greatly.

I have come to realize that even though I embrace the truth, others do not. This has cost me friendships, put a strain on some relationships, & caused me to question & see things differently than I ever had before.

Over time, I have rearranged my priorities & put myself before others. Something that I have NEVER done before. And, well, this hasn't sat well with some. As I think back, this blog was created as a direct result of me putting me on the top of my list. Remember?

Yes. Things are different. Things were not made to always stay the same. People were not made to stay the same either. And, as much as I hate to admit it, while I do have regrets, I am not sorry for how things are now.

I am a better person bc of my quest to be authentic. It is my journey - no one else's. The person that I am & who I continue to be is so much better than the person I ever dreamed of being.

So, yes, I'll continue on my way - being genuine, real, not false, bc in the end, the rewards are far more greater than I imagined.

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

Saving vs. Savior

I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrfice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy."~Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

Plans & Moving On

What a long day week. Our friend, Mike, whom I affectionately call Charlie (two names, one person), moved in his new apartment this week. For those who know him & his story (which is his story to tell, not mine), I truly hope this is the fresh new start he needs.

Being the good friends we are, we helped him move, assembled things, took him to stores, picked up things for him, put things away, ect... Often leaving his place in the late early hours of the night morning. Needless to say we are are all exhausted, but that's what friends do, right? Especially after over 22 years of friendship.

I feel as if I put my life on hold this week. Calls gone unanswered. Sleep unhad. Appointments not scheduled. The house not cleaned. Duties neglected. However, it was my choice to help him, & I have no regrets. Why should I? He certainly does quite enough for us & he does not have many he can truly depend on.

I have found myself reflecting a lot this week. Time & time again, I could not believe I was helping him move again. Into his own apartment. Alone. It just affirmed to me (yet again) - more than ever - that sometimes our plans are not, in deed, God's plans. No matter how right those plans seem to be at the time, He is the true Planner of it all.

And that may make all the difference in your world.

The Begining of Forever

I am so undoubtedly in love with my husband. I really am.

I have known Jake since 1995, we met at community college. He was one of my best guy friends. We did a lot together - running Disabled Students Association together, both being extremely active on all the clubs on campus, going on leadership retreats etc... I was so smitten by him then it was insane, enough to drive a person crazy if she let it.

He had no clue. The only that knew the total truth was my best friend, Thea. One day, well - several days actually -I confessed my love for him and told her one day I would marry him. Not wanting to risk the great friendship we had, I stayed silent and he remained clueless.

Then in 1999, I graduated and moved on to a University to pursue my next degree. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I had, I might not have the degrees I do now.

See, the college I was at was, to say the least, warm and fuzzy, but it was on the brink of changing - combining with two other area community colleges to become one college that had many campuses. I had numerous meaningful relationships from there and I feared that if I didn't make a clean break, I would never be able to leave. So I left, leaving everything and everyone behind.

Years later, in 2003, I became a student recruiter for my university and had returned to the very college I had run from four years before. To my surprise (and delight), Jake was still there, so we chatted and I mentioned we should get together. We had exchanged numbers, and I didn't bother to tell him that I still had his number in my address book at home.

Over the next couple of weeks we talked a lot on the phone, which I find ironic now because Jake HATES talking on the phone. We would talk for hours, even falling asleep on each other many nights.

Finally, we went out on March 16, 2003, the day before St. Patrick's Day. We went to see the movie "Bringing Down the House" staring Queen Latifa and Steve Martin at The Avenue. Afterwards we ate dinner at Red Brick Station then went to look around and chat at Barnes and Noble.

I was so giddy. I so loved his eyes. He has a funny thing he does with eyes and eyebrows, some would call it a quirk. I have always loved that about him. Of course, I have always been an eye person, ever since I can remember. And I truly believe, as cliche as it is, that the eyes are the windows of the soul.

Sometime during the evening, I had decided to risk it all. What did I have to lose? Nothing. So right there, in the Barnes and Noble Cafe, I asked him out. He said yes. We kissed and i told him. "I've waited eight years for that kiss." That was the beginning of forever.

You know what's funny about all of this? On one of our phone conversation before that night, I remember telling him that it was strange that over the last few weeks four guys had asked me out and I had turned them all down.

I know what you are thinking, I turned them down because I wanted to be with Jake. Wrong. You couldn't be more wrong. Strangely enough, this occurred in the weeks prior of reconnecting with him. I turned them all down because I didn't fore see my relationship or friendship with them turning into something more. And I so desperately wanted more.

For once, I was happy in my life, content where I was knowing that I was where I was supposed to be. Months prior, I had had enough. Enough of everything. Feeling like I wasn't enough, depressed because I was alone, disconnected from life, being distant from friends, and just hating life. Enough was enough, finally. Coming to that point was difficult but very needed. That's where faith came in.

My faith has been interesting to say the least. There have been many battles throughout my years with God. I love Him so much, yet there were many times when I hated Him. Believe it or not, it is during these times of hatred, discontent and questioning that my faith grew the most. I am a firm believer that prayer does not change God, it changes you. So I did what I had always done, prayed. This time was different though. I surrendered.

"Okay God. You know me, and you know what is best for me. You know and see the ultimate plan for my life, and I know it differs from my plan. I know that You have someone for me to be with and I trust You. I trust that You will send him to me in Your time, not mine. You are one in control, so I am handing it to You. I surrender my all."

Jake is not perfect. Not anywhere near perfect. There are times when he is very much a boy in a man's body; however, I have heard that he's not the only husband with that problem. We fight and disagree, but in the end, we love each other. We have had our struggles, and yes, I wish that he would get would get his act together, for the sake of the family we want. I must say though - I am not perfect either nor have I ever claimed to be.

Relationships - all of them - take work from both parties, it's very difficult to salvage a relationship that is one sided. Believe me. I've have tried. Jake loves me no matter what I've been through, where I came from, no matter how sick I get, how much I weigh or what I look like. Here is the most important though - he loves me no matter how broken I feel. How broken I am. He loves me, for me.