Words

I've been thinking a lot lately about words.  How words can change things. How words can affect others. How words are powerful.  Our words are more powerful than we realize.

Words can tear people down or build them up. And our choices mean everything.

I really try to be careful with my words. I try to build others up every chance I get.  I try to leave others better than I found them.  Sometimes I fail at that, but most of the time I'm successful.  At least I hope I am. People tell me I'm gifted with writing.  They say I'm gifted with words.

It has taken me forever to honor my gifts.  I didn't always believe the truth.  There's been many people in my life that spent a lot of time destroying my self esteem.  They wrote on the slate of who I was changing who I was meant to be.

Thankfully, I have had a lot of people in my life who spent a lot of time trying to build me back up.  They saw something I didn't see.  They saw the truth.  Not only did they believe in me, but they loved me when I didn't even love myself.

I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's suddenly losing my dear friend, Betsy. Maybe it's the place Jake & I are in lately, which has not without it's challenges.  Maybe it's looking back & wishing that I would have used my time more wisely with those who, for whatever reason, are no longer a part of my life.

I am not perfect.  No one is.  I make mistakes.  I say wrong things. I go over conversations in my head, time & again, wishing I had a do-over; however, I also try to be careful with my words.  I try to be kind.  I try to build others up.  Encourage them. And I pray that, more often than not, my words have left others better than when I found them, even if the place I found them was great.

Saying Sunday: You Don't Deserve Me

"I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle; but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

~ Marilyn Monroe,
American Actress, Model & Singer
(1926-1962)

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

For Promise

Spent the day just hanging around the the house, enjoying this BEAUTIFUL weather, & watching Jake tinker around with this & that.  And as always, as it seems to be now adays, reflecting on life.

Tomorrow, I head off to help with & attend one of my friend's co-ed bridal shower.  I am so excited for Rachel & Brian.  Nervous too. As the wedding rapidly approaches & time is disappearing, I have to wonder if it all will get done.

I ask the question, almost instantly, I know the answer. It will. It  always does. 

I am excited for them.  They are amazing people who are faith-believing, God-centered seekers of Him, who are full of hope & promise for the world, for life, for each other.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for them.

Reflecting always gets to me in a a sentimental way.  It seems it wasn't so long ago, Jake & I were that couple. And now, we blink & 7 years have gone by. So hard to believe.  Yet not.

I hear 7 years & I can't help & think that it was my parents at their 7th year were already separated & heading for divorce.  I am beyond grateful that I will not repeat their mistakes.  I wonder what promise they had for their life?

I slowly close my eyes, draw in deep, reflect & I give thanks.

For my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends. For love. And for Promise.

Stream of Consciousness: In the Midst

I want to run. Hide. Get away from it all.

Right now, there is so much great stuff going on, but so much not great stuff going on too. There is a huge pressure on me right now. I can't breathe or stand it another second.

I can feel myself pulling away & somehow, even though I don't want to & know I shouldn't, it feels like that is my only solution. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to trust you. Or anyone for that matter.

I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being hurt. Tired of things not working out. Tired of having to take & put up with other people's crap. And it's all crap. I must have a sign on me that says "Dump on me!" Don't you see it? It's there, it's got to be.

I want you to care. Why is it, that I feel so alone? I try to tell you how I feel & you yell at me. You are supposed to be my safe place to fall. I don't even think I know what it feels like to have one, really.

I should be used to this, right? You think after everything I would be. Wrong. You are oh-so-wrong. My dad is sick. My mom is sick. My Aunt is sick. I am sick.

All I want is to get away for two days. Get my head clear. Gain a little perspective. It should be easy, right? Wrong again. So very difficult to do if you have this wheelchair connected to you 24/7. No one gets it. Not even you.

So, I'll run. Till I find what I'm looking for & even I don't know what that is or where to look . I just know it's not here. In the midst of it all.

Blogging Boldly: About Last Night

Dear Jacob,

I hate it when we fight. It is like something is not right in the universe. I hate the distance it puts between us. Especially when things have been going so great with us like it has recently. We don't fight often, but when we do it can get nasty. The good thing though is we don't stay mad for long.

Last night, we both said things we didn't mean. And acted in ways that was unbecoming of both of us. In reality, we both should treat each other a little nicer. I just get so irritated that I can asks for something to be done & it won't be done for months, yet your dad can ask you to do the same task for him & you make it a priority to do it for him, without a second thought.

I know you father says he has to wait for you to do things for him too, but it's not the same. Only days compared to my months. I guess I'm just wondering when your going to make me & our family a priority.

I know your frustrated & exhausted. I am too. You say I don't listen, yet I listen to every word. On the other hand, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know your thoughts unless you tell me them. And you shouldn't expect me to know things you haven't told me.

I am not prefect, by any means. And God knows I am not the prefect wife. If you asked me, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what a perfect one would look like. I just know it is not me. Likewise, I'm in no way asking you to be perfect either. Just better. I know I can do better too. We both can do better.

So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Love you. Always.

Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

Just Because

It is March 13, Nearly 3 whole months after Christmas, yet our tree - which is fully decorated is still up. I ask Jake to take it down every couple of days, but it is not even on his list of things to do. I will gladly help, but I can't do it alone.

In a couple of hours, it is daylight savings time. We will lose an hour in the middle of the night. I feel I have lost a lot of things lately, time is only one aspect. I don't know why I am finding myself doing these Stream of Conscience post lately, or find myself in mixed moods, but maybe it is good not to question much - at least if I can't know the answers. It just might work well for me.

Beth's party was last night at church. I had a blast. Mostly I was found chatting & taking pictures, two roles I fall into easily. Hung out afterwards with some awesome people from church at a local restaurant. It was nice to connect with others with ease for once.

I - for whatever reason - am not sure why - I am not looking forward to going to church tomorrow. It is not bc of anyone in particular, just feel not into it. Strange thing is - I have a feeling I need to hear whatever the message is & there is an important farm meeting afterwards, which I have been looking forward to for weeks. It will be interesting to see what Beth does tomorrow, considering she is not on staff anymore. She will actually be able to stay for the whole service. Too cool. I'm pretty sure that's a first in the whole ten years & nine days that she was on staff.

Jake worked at a friend's house today. He is helping them with work in their house. Actually, both her & her husband are friends of our family. He was gone many hours, which does not bother me. What does bother me though is he didn't call once, not to check on me, but just bc. How come he doesn't call for anything when all I can do is think about him all day... missing him just bc... just bc I love him?

Go figure. And good night.

His Gift

I am trying to decompress.

Yesterday was rough. Very tough.

Dad is okay for now. His nearly 10 hour VT ablation, is over. He was the first one to go back for the day & the last one to go to recovery. Not wanting to lie, there were complications - the kind of complications & close calls that no one ever wants to hear.

Bc of the complications & the sheer stress placed on his heart, the doctors decided that they would not change his defibrillator. That would just have to wait for another day, hopefully in as little as a week or so. There is also talk of placing a different type of defibrillator in, one that would be better suited for dad's needs.

Even though he is still in the hospital right now, there is talk of releasing him tonight, which just seems crazy to me given all that has happened. Although I'm not certain, I am wondering if they are going to release him bc they know that there are plans for his return in very near future. And if there is no sign of trouble after they observe him, maybe it's okay, right? I wish I could be certain. The only thing that is for certain for now is that my dad & those who love him, have been given a gift.

Yesterday, hours before I was to leave for the hospital, I was unable to sleep. I had called it an early night & was startled awake by Pee Wee when he jumped of the bed. I had tried everything to go to sleep. At the time, I had only been asleep for almost two & a half hours.

I ended up calling Rachel & hung up when the alarm clock sounded that was intended to wake me. Conversations & phone calls like that are not strangers to either of us. I told her I was not worried about my dad. I did have some anxiety & concern, but I was not worried.

At some point in our conversation I said to her, "Regardless of the outcome, my Dad will be okay." I wasn't just saying that. I meant it. I mean it. I mean regardless. I can't explain things to where most people can understand. Does that mean I want him to die & if he does die, I won't be devastated - no, not at all. He is my father. He is my dad. No one in their right mind would willingly want that.

What that statement means is that perhaps more than ever, I realize that things in this universe is so much bigger than me. This isn't new. It always has been.

I was alone at the hospital for hours. For the majority of the day, there was calmness & certainty I felt. Even through knowledge of the complications. However, as the day went on, & hours ticked away, I became a little more frantic & frazzled.

And pissed. Yes, I was pissed. And even though I was angry, I was more hurt than anything. It wasn't the fact that I was at the hospital alone, by myself for the entire day... I knew Jake had to work. I was & still am perfectly fine with that.

What I'm not okay with - what doesn't sit right with me - is that he did not call, not even once, to see how I was, to see what was happening or for an update. And not only that, but when I called him to give him an update, he started ranting & raving about this & that pertaining to his day at work.

{Ummmm, Honey? I know I'm your go-to person. I know you got a lot going on. Your day is not going so great for you, but now... right now, I can't do this. I can't have you answer the phone & the very first words out of your mouth is a rant. Not, how are things going? Not how's your dad? Not how are you? What ever you need me to be, I can't. Not now. Really, it's not all about you.}

I have concluded - even through my anger & being hurt by his actions - that they're are just some things that he doesn't get. There are just things that he just can't do. Why? Bc much like I wrote about here, Jake just can't give me what he doesn't have. He just can't do better, bc he doesn't know better. He does stupid things sometimes, but so do I. Jake is human.

Still, as alone as I was, I wasn't. I had friends, phone calls, & text messages. And those calls & messages served a great purpose. In fact, I had one friend who just blew me out of the water with her words & support, but that is truly a story for another day.

Today, I am just so thankful. Filled with gratefulness. Appreciation. And in awe at the love, grace, mercy & embrace that God has chosen to gift to me.