Stream of Consciousness: Better Than This

Dear So & So,

Hello.  Remember me?  Your so-called best friend?  Hi, how ya doing?  How ya been?  So long, no see... go figure.  Out of respect - & yes, even love - for our friendship, I will leave your name out of this.  As always, I'm writing for myself, so if you read this or not really does not matter.

Where are you?  I don't get it... I really don't.  My dad died, other life things happened, which caused my world to crash.  And for once, the person who was always there for you, needed you.  I reached out, the best I could any way.  You couldn't even return a text.  Who does that?  Not me.

Here it is late at night, & I can't sleep, bc I am thinking abt you.  It's bad enough to miss someone not living anymore, but you -  you are living & sometimes, my heart hurts so much, I cannot breathe.

I keep going over things in my head.  It just doesn't make sense.  So many years of friendship... & it comes down to this?  What the hell?

I'm resisting calling you... here at almost 2 AM.  Do you remember?  Do you remember all those late night talks we would have?  All those nights you needed me.  In my head, I just can't get wrap my brain around anything that would make sense for things to be like they are.  It just doesn't add up.

I wasn't the perfect friend, but I tried.  I was there for you.  I was there for you, even when it was was difficult for me to be.  I don't think I could have been a better friend, but maybe I'm wrong.  For once, I needed you.  I needed you instead of you needing me.  And the thing that really gets me is you knew I needed you.

For once, things flipped-flopped.

Still.  This isn't abt keeping score.  It's abt the fact that I miss you.  Can't you even send me a text sometime?  You, who are attached to your phone.  I would love to see you.  Hear your voice.  I miss laughing with you.  I miss just being with you.

Sure, I get it. It's awkward. Well, it's awkward for me too.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt bad.  And yes, you did that.  There's no getting around that.

Just admit it, say you're sorry & let's move on.  Aren't we better than this?

I reach out, & pray that you will reach back.  With every text - with every attempt - I wonder if this will be the time that will make things right between us.  Secretly, deep down, I wonder if things will ever be somewhat normal between us again.

I love you.  I always have.  I still do.  I always will love you.  Remember that.  I get that some friends aren't meant to be friends forever, & if that is us... well, then that's us.  I can't do anything abt it.  I won't force you to stay.

I will, however, always be thankful for you & your friendship, for however long you choose to stay.

Love You. Always.

Stream of Consciousness: Still Praying

I'm thrilled to be blogging (on a regular basis) again.  I wonder what it will take to get to the point where I am blogging boldly again.

Jake is out of work again.  I know, on here, he never was employed after his layoff last August, but he was... I just never spoke about it publicly.  He had the most amazing job, which he loved.  Still praying that they find away to keep him.  He was in his sweet spot & I loved watching his passion emerge & for him to do what he was created to do. Still praying that something will come through. What?  I do not know.

There are a lot of things that I never speak about on here that I wish I could put words to... I just want the freedom to speak them out loud.  They are not secrets really, but they feel like they are. They are just things that I prefer not to share with everyone.

I have friends that are going through stuff.  I am worried about them.  I don't know the best way to help them, so I pray.  I'm praying a lot lately.  Grateful to have words to my prayers now.  I am glad I have friends that are there for me, even when I retreat. Or try to anyway.  Secretly, I wonder if I will ever be the same again.  

People ask, how can I still praise Him?  I don't know what to tell them, but the truth as I know it - how can I not praise Him? Especially in the storm?  And yes - we are in a storm.  One hell of a storm.   Still trying to trust Him fully.

I breathe deep & wonder when will our turn come?  I feel like it has been non-stop.  Ashamed to admit my faith has been shaken a time or two.  Have we not been faithful?  Does He not know my heart? When is enough just enough?

Still I pray.  I let my tears be my words when no words are to be found.  What else am I to do?  I have no clue.  So I do what I do when I don't know what to do.  In the middle of the storm - pray.

I pray. Still.

Stream of Consciousness: On Overdrive & Hating It

It is a little past 1:30 in the morning & I can't sleep. My thoughts are swimming in my head so fast - it feels like tidal waves repeatably crashing upon the rocks & rushing the shore with no mercy in sight.

Just hours ago, I attended the viewing of a life long neighbor & family friend. She was always a good neighbor, but even a better friend.

Her daughter Sandy used to babysit me when I was little & we've been friends off & on throughout the years. Funny how people lose touch as time goes on. I hate that.

I'm six months along this strange journey that Sandy & her siblings are embarking on. I do not envy them. No one who has been here would.

I've been crying a lot tonight. It's just displaced grief that has surfaced. Untouched grief that is yet to be explored from Dad, Aunt Elaine, & even Mandy - I think.

On top of all that mom has had some health concerns that are causing me to feel somewhat on edge. Nothing too serious, but compounded with everything else just make my brain go a little on overdrive. I hate overdrive.

I try to take some deep breaths, but that is little relief. It is hard to put a name to my feelings & thoughts. I hate that too. Honestly, that has been happening a lot lately, more often then not.

All I think to say is - I 'm scared. Scared of what I don't know & can't put a name to it. This has happened before. The most clear example of this I can recall is the evening after dad died.

He died on a Friday & by Saturday night, I sought refuge at Theresa's house & spent the night. I was hell bent on not changing any plans that were already set before my world came crashing down. So there I was. Something that probably saved my life & sanity, in more ways than one.

All I could say was I'm scared. She would ask what I was scared of & I would tell her I don't know, unable to put a name to it. Months later, here I sit with that same feeling & still at a loss of words as ever.

And I hate it.

Stream of Consciousness: 3 Months Gone

Providing such an outlet for me, I have always loved writing. So, why know when I needed the most, do I not do it? Your guess is as good as mine. The days are difficult. If it's not one thing it's another. Crisis after crisis. The world is on my shoulders.

It has so little to do with dad dying & so much to do with him at the same time. I miss him daily & it seems that everyday my heart aches for him even more. It's been 3 months today, yet it seems like yesterday.

There is an eerie silence in my world. My world forever altered now never to be the same. Losing a parent sucks. It is a pain so deep it is hard to put words to. Maybe that is why I can't write. Words are hard for me now.

How do you put into words something you cannot even seem to wrap your brain around fully yet to begin to comprehend it? We all know it happens. Everyone one day will lose their dad & mom. Everyone one day will die.

As good as my friends are - both the ones that are there & the ones that are not - they don't get it. How can they? Some have parents still living, some do not. Some had parents who are still married, some not. Some have siblings, some not. My point is, it is different for me, as it is them bc there situation is different. Even their relationship with there parents are different. Everyone's is. They have a different history. I have a different history. I am different.

They're is no cookie cutter way to grieve. There never has been. No, I don't need to go talk to someone. No one can tell me what I already know to be true. I will get through this. I have faith. I have faith, but not in myself. I have lost that for now. One day I will find it again. Just not today.

My faith in God however that still stands. Without question I am being tested. And I have faith in Him that if He brings me to it, He'll bring me through it. And when I doubt at my darkest hour, I just have to remember that I am not alone.

Stream of Consciousness: Longing

My days are long, my nights are even longer.

I just want to wake from this dream for I must be dreaming. I am *still* numb. Very much in a daze, just trying to figure out why my life is so foreign to me now.

Then, I remember.

Dad is gone. Aunt Elaine is gone.

Grief has set in, but the shock still not gone. Who knew that it could last this long. I had no clue.

I keep thinking to myself that I should be doing something. Something more. Like being at a hospital. Or calling to check on someone to make sure things are okay. Or picking up stuff from the store. Or answering computer questions. Or playing some game with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm, what's that? Seriously, there are times when my brain is numb. Like when you wake from a deep sleep but are not fully aware just quite yet.

And my friends they are there. They are not. Well, that is to say that some are & some are not. Strange how I would just be there without someone having to reach out, if it were my friend. Yet, I cannot & do not expect others to be me.

There are some days where I just long for someone to reach out bc, honestly, I don't have the strength. Yet, there are some days where I reach out & am disappointed when there is no reaching back.

What do people want from me?

I long to be hugged. I long to be held. I just want to be held. I just want to be in a safe enough place to cry. Something is missing. Something is wrong. Something is missing in the world, & everything feels different.

Right now, I very much feel like I'm that scared little girl who is just longing to be held... a little girl lost... a little girl longing for her Daddy.

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

Stream of Consciousness: In the Midst

I want to run. Hide. Get away from it all.

Right now, there is so much great stuff going on, but so much not great stuff going on too. There is a huge pressure on me right now. I can't breathe or stand it another second.

I can feel myself pulling away & somehow, even though I don't want to & know I shouldn't, it feels like that is my only solution. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to trust you. Or anyone for that matter.

I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being hurt. Tired of things not working out. Tired of having to take & put up with other people's crap. And it's all crap. I must have a sign on me that says "Dump on me!" Don't you see it? It's there, it's got to be.

I want you to care. Why is it, that I feel so alone? I try to tell you how I feel & you yell at me. You are supposed to be my safe place to fall. I don't even think I know what it feels like to have one, really.

I should be used to this, right? You think after everything I would be. Wrong. You are oh-so-wrong. My dad is sick. My mom is sick. My Aunt is sick. I am sick.

All I want is to get away for two days. Get my head clear. Gain a little perspective. It should be easy, right? Wrong again. So very difficult to do if you have this wheelchair connected to you 24/7. No one gets it. Not even you.

So, I'll run. Till I find what I'm looking for & even I don't know what that is or where to look . I just know it's not here. In the midst of it all.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

For Now

It is rainy & dreary. Although there is much to share, I am too tired to do a blog post. It's one of those just let me crawl back in bed, pull the covers over me & shut out the world days, which is not a bad idea since I had such a bad night of unrestful sleep.

There are many things to catch you up on: T-Ball, Fencing, Mandy & Momma Dawne, Theresa & her mom, spending time with love ones, Jake & I spending time with each other... Daily life things.

All of which will remain unblogged. At least for now. My warm inviting bed is calling & I need to rest. Oh, how I need to rest.

Stream of Consciousness: Forever Altered

It's late & I can't sleep. There has been so much on my mind, it's been difficult for me to sort out. Things have been great here. The weather is beautiful & Spring has sprung. Jake & I for the most part have been getting along. Gosh, I am so in love with him. Every time we kiss, I still lose my breath. Everyone should have love like that. Everyone.

I have been thinking about Mandy a lot. We have reached the point, as of March 30th, that she was admitted to the hospital. Remember this post? Yup. It's been a year already. And I know that the very next post I wrote after that one was written eight days after her death. If you would like to read it, you can do so here. If not, that's okay too. The whole month of April 2009 is MIA. Not one keystroke, not one uttered word - at least not on here.

I am forever changed, still unable to speak words for things I witnessed & even how I felt. It has been years - decades even since a friend's death has effected me like Mandy's has. I am not the same person I was then. No where near that person. I am forever altered.

My brother, Lea's, birthday is tomorrow. I have been going though my pictures on the computer looking for a specific one I want to post. I just can't go through anymore. It's too hard. I have thousands of pictures on my hard drive. And there are a lot of people who aren't in my life now - for whatever reason. So, I've decided to abandon my search for now. I'll still blog a post for him, but a picture may not accompany it. Oh, well... Life rolls on.

Speaking of life, my friend Janie, buried her mom last Monday. I didn't go to the funeral, but Jake & I did go to the later viewing, after attempting to go to the earlier one & then getting lost for a hour & a half. Not our best moments, for neither Jake or myself when that happens. We must work on that. Or at least I should. That's the best thing that came from us having a GPS - if lost or misdirected - it will put you on the right track. Too bad our GPS was stolen.

Anyway, this viewing for Janie's mom was incredible. Unlike any I have attended before. They took an hour or so of it & talked & shared about her mom. I have never seen that before, at least not at a viewing. Janie is so amazing. A genuine person who is doesn't know how to be anything but real. I can so appreciate that. I'm not sure if this is a new thing for her or she's always been that way. I just know that her sisters are just as amazing & that in itself tells you just what a person her mom was.

Easter is days away. I'm spending it with my friend Beth & her family. Years past, I've spent it with many loved ones, but I find it ironic that I feel so displaced this year. I have never been to Beth's house. And I have seen pictures of the steps. All I know is I don't know how, but I will make it work. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without Beth. She is what true friends are made of.

It is really late. And I'm tired. I hate post like these, but I do them often. I think it helps me sleep. At least blogging seems to allow me to settle after a bit. I just think tired post are so revealing. Without question, my guard is down... which may not be a bad thing after all.

Good night, sweet dreams.