Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Saying Sundays: Keep Moving Forward

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we are curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

~ Walt Disney
(1901-1966)

Overdrive

My days are running together. And this week, although nothing special, is happening way too fast for me.

Everything is in slow motion. I am exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive since last Sunday. And I so want to turn it off, only for a little while. I cannot help that I am a thinker. And I'm not a drinker, but if I was I would be drunk by now, even though I know that drinking wouldn't make anything better.

For days now, I've been in survival mode, not living but just existing. And I'm not even sure why. Have you ever had conversations you wish you never had? Or knew something you wish you never knew?

That's where I'm at. Just trying to make sense of a conversation that, well, doesn't make much sense at all. Or maybe it does. I don't know. What I do know is that every one's perception differs. And things can be taken differently than they were intended.

And, unfortunately, I know from past experience that misunderstandings can change relationships in ways that forever alters them. In ways that forever alter me. They alter not only me, but how I interact with the world, and if not the world, how I interact with certain people.

It's just that when things get too complicated, when your words convey something not intended, it may be time to move on. Maybe this isn't the path I'm supposed to be on anyway.

All I know is I don't know where I'm headed, but I know I can't stay in the place I'm at. I can only learn from it & move on.

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

In Awe

Dear God,

I am in awe. Speechless. As I write this, tears stream down, not in sadness or despair, but in thankfulness of your mercy & grace. You are amazing. Thank you for shedding light on my darkness, giving me a peace that is so undeserving. What a gift.

Thank you for leading me on this journey & allowing me the freedom to chose to stay on this path of healing, which allows me to be who I was truly meant to be.

My Love Always,

Saving vs. Savior

I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrfice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy."~Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

Eight Days

Amanda Lynn Ways

October 21, 1976 - April 23, 2009

Dear Mandy,

It's been eight days since you left us, and it's hard to believe your gone. You are the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of when I awake - that's if I get sleep at all. It is hard to put almost two decades of friendship into words, almost an impossible task.

What we had, is what I hope everyone finds in her lifetime - a true unconditional friendship that withstands anything and everything. Sure there were times when our lives took different paths, as life has a tendency to do, but our path always lead us back, as if no time had past at all.

Sometime soon, I must find the words to thank Dina. Who knew that when she introduced us that she had unknowingly gave us both such a wonderful gift. Each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be friends. I'm sure years later, we would have met through Lynne and Bob, but it wouldn't have been the same. Those first years of our friendship are priceless and irreplaceable. I've always believed that God gives you what you need when you need it the most, and that is so true with us.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your ever so detailed stories. I miss your corky sense of humor that you inherited from your dad. I miss your tell it like it is attitude that you inherited from your mom. I miss your spunk. And I miss your spirit.

They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. I truly believe you knew you were leaving us, before any of us knew. Over the last few days, I have heard from many people, time and time again, tell me just how lucky and blessed you were to have me as a friend. That may be true, but I see it differently - I am the lucky one and I'm the blessed one because you were my friend. You truly were a gift to not only me, but this world.

Please watch over us from Heaven, my beautiful butterfly. I love you.

Love Always and Forever,