Lent 2011: 2 AM Anxiety Freak Out (Day 3)

It's 2 AM & I can't sleep. Anxiety is getting the best of me.

In 11 days, I am going to friendnap Theresa & take her away out of state for the day. She has no clue where we are headed & I love it that way, so I'll leave where we are going a mystery on here too. At least for now. {:)

For hours now, I have felt nauseated. There is no doubt that I'm being triggered badly & I hate it. Really, really, really hate it.

About a day ago or so, I wrote her an e-mail. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate email & that it isn't my favorite choice of communication ever. There is some things that I need to share with her. These things are personal & private. Very personal & very private.

So There are things I need to share that - well, I'm scared to share. Afraid to say. As if they will be real when I speak them. Unable to try & convince myself that it didn't happen.

Not to me. Not again.

I feel as if I'm a child again keeping secrets. God, I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Literally.

Other then Jake, who only knows bc he is my husband (& well, how could he not know?), I have only told one other person & when that happened it slipped out - in some sort of anxiety-ridden frenzy that was induced by the life events which has occurred these last several months.

If it were up to me - no one would know. Hell, if it were up to me, it wouldn't have happened at all. The truth is I feel so much guilt & shame. I just want it to stop. I want to let it go.

I hate what my life has become.

I'm afraid if I speak out loud, it will change our friendship. I am afraid she won't love me anymore. Bc, let's face it - how in the world could anyone do that, right? I'm a little crazy. Or at least it feels that way.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing.

I have to let go. I have to let go of this. I can't hold onto it anymore. After all, I'm supposed to working on letting go of things for Lent. Right?

We will still be friends. She will still love me. I know this. How? Bc I know her. It's as simple as that. And she will - love me no matter what. She has told me so. And I believe her.

Even though I know that is the the truth, it doesn't feel true. Somewhere along the way, somethings happened to make the truth feel wrong. Lies that are embedded in my brain that I'm not even conscience of are influencing me & my behavior. Those lies need to go away. Go away now.

I need TPM. Seriously.

I am second guessing myself. And I need to stop. Why does every freaking thing need to be so complicated? Friendnapping was supposed to be fun. How did this happen?

I hold my head in my hands & know that it is only a matter of time. I just pray that the words will come when they are meant to come & they are received gently & met with love.

And in the end, I am, indeed, loved no matter what.

For Now

It is rainy & dreary. Although there is much to share, I am too tired to do a blog post. It's one of those just let me crawl back in bed, pull the covers over me & shut out the world days, which is not a bad idea since I had such a bad night of unrestful sleep.

There are many things to catch you up on: T-Ball, Fencing, Mandy & Momma Dawne, Theresa & her mom, spending time with love ones, Jake & I spending time with each other... Daily life things.

All of which will remain unblogged. At least for now. My warm inviting bed is calling & I need to rest. Oh, how I need to rest.

Lent: Knowing Now (Day 20)

For over a year now, I've have found myself on a journey that I've never expected to be on. A journey to be & live more authentically. And bc of this journey, I have had a closer relationship with God than I have ever known before. So, when Lent approached this year, there was never any question to whether or not I would give something up.

I have to tell you honestly, I haven't always observed Lent in the past. Some years I would & some I wouldn't. This year is different though. It didn't really seem like a difficult decision whether or not to observe Lent this time.

What was difficult was trying to figure out what to give up. I don't really know what made me give up my defense mechanism of avoidance, but when I chose to do so I knew it would change me. I knew it would be easy, & I knew it would keep me out of my comfort zone.

Not being easy is an understatement. Here I am exactly half way through Lent. And there are, in fact, days when I very much regret giving up avoidance. Not bc I want to avoid things, but bc sometimes it is just so hard. And yes, I still wonder - what the heck I was thinking?

About a week & a half ago now, I had a very difficult conversation with Patsy. The details are not really that important. What is important is that it is a conversation that was difficult. And it was one of those conversations that once you have it, there is no going back. Bc no matter if it was intended or not, it does change things.

If you go back & read some of my entries I made at the time, you will realize that this conversation left me with many thoughts & feelings that I struggled with for many days & nights. There were even gaps in my entries, which, again, is saying something.

At the time, I didn't want to have this conversation. I feared that just having it would change things somehow. In the past, when I shared with someone something that was on my heart, it has change things - sometimes for the better, but more often than not, it has changes things that were not for the better.

Right at the moment, I can't tell you if this conversation made things better or not. What I can tell you is that it has changed things. And, to be fair, I will say that part of me regrets having the conversation. So, in a way, my fear did come true.

I can't go back, I can't change things, but I can go on from here. In the time between then & now, I have talked to a few trusted few, processed some, & even had a TPM session about the matter. And I have to tell you, having done all that, I feel so much better.

And I can honestly say that if I would have never chose to give up avoidance, I may have never had that talk. If that conversation never occurred, I may never know now what I didn't know then. And although it is too early to tell the outcome, I do, indeed, know that everything happens for a reason.

And I can only go forward from here.

Lent: Exposed (Day 8)

Do you ever feel like you just want to slow down? That life goes by so fast & is way too complicated? That's how I feel at the moment.

Whatever happened to keeping things simple. Doing things bc you want to, not bc you have to. Taking the time to catch up with friends or make new ones bc you want to connect more, desiring nothing more than to connect to people on a deeper level.

Being truthful, honest & authentic to the core - stripping everything away & saying this is me. This is who I am. This is who God created me to be. Gone is the defense mechanisms, the walls, the hesitations, the lies that we hold in place to keep us safe. To be exposed.

Yes, I gave up avoidance for Lent. My attempt to be more authentic, more real. To embrace the growth & change that is happening within me. To continue on this journey I have found myself on. A very unexpected, unplanned journey to live as truthful & authentic as I can - no matter the cost.

Though unplanned - it is not unwanted. This journey is not easy &, at times, is scary as hell. I have to resist my urge to run. Hide. And Avoid. I would be lying if I told you there weren't times that I want to quit - throw in the towel - surrender. This is just too painful at times. To drag out in the open all the dirt, all the muck, the things hidden in the dark - crammed way in the back -hoping to be forgotten.

To be exposed. To be vulnerable. Risking it all for the sake of me. The me that I was always meant to be.

I am not alone on this journey but sometimes, I feel alone. Especially, when I am going through tough stuff that I'm keeping to myself, which is apparently a pattern me. Who knew?

So, silently I pray. Talk to Him. Hoping for something to make sense. Bc with Him, I am already vulnerable. Already exposed. Still I wonder, if that is enough.

Lent: Something Deeper (Day 1)

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent.

At first I couldn't decide what to give up for Lent. Facebook? Blogging? All other drinks, except for water? Some type of food? Some game I play? Texting? Or how about TV? Eating out? And the list goes on & on.

Something didn't sit right with me. I wanted something deeper. Something with more meaning. Something that would compliment this journey I have found myself on. This class I take on Monday nights at my church, has given me much to think about. And as a result, I've become more aware than ever before, especially when it comes to my thoughts, feelings & reactions. I see the world around me different than before.

Then it came to me. I had just wrote yesterday about being out of my comfort zone. So what if what I gave up is something not tangible, but something that would keep me out of my comfort zone. Something that would to encourage my growth, to further my journey. Something that will - no doubt - challenge me.

So I decided to give up a defense mechanism. Avoidance. Strange I know. I have decided to give up avoiding things, whatever those things are. So, basically, if I think about having to do something whether it be something like going somewhere unpleasant, doing something that I would rather not do, or telling something to whomever that I rather not tell, I must do it, regardless.

Let me tell you - this will not be easy. At all. There is a lot of stuff I avoid, especially lately. All ready today I have:

Went back to bed after getting up early to talk to Jake (something I often avoid doing even though I need to sleep & lately I have been exhausted);

After he started to vent to me this morning & in turn started yelling at me about things that were out of my control, I told him (in a nice way) that things suck right now & there's little I can do about it, but yelling at me just wouldn't make things better (usually I would just let him go & not say anything right there in the moment);

In order to get ready for tonight's Ash Wednesday service tonight, I got a shower hours ago (normally I would wait like two hours before we were to leave);

Already I started to de-clutter things around me, something that I've been avoiding for way too long.

And finally, although I don't know why & it does seem strange, I sat down to write this post, something that I seemed to be putting off, so I sat down and began to type. Perhaps it has to do with accountability.

So, that's it. For the next 40 days - actually longer, but you are not supposed to count Sundays - I will do things I've been avoiding. Wish me luck as this will not be easy. Then again, the best rewards in life are never truly easy.

A Better Way

Lately, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about a lot of things & reflecting on things of the past.

Perhaps it is bc of all the things my family of origin (my dad, my mom, & brother) have been through lately, or maybe it's bc of stuff that my family (as in my marriage & unity with Jacob) has experienced through recent struggles.

Or maybe it's because I recently celebrated the one year birthday of the beginning of this blog. And as a result, I've been going back rereading things & I'm also trying to revamp a better more useful system for my blog labels & such, for no other purpose than to make it better suited for my needs. Or maybe in a little over two months or so, I realize that Mandy will be gone for a year already. A date that is rapidly approaching whether I want it to or not.

Right now, I'm questioning so much. Reflecting on everything. Noticing things that I have never noticed before, even though there were things that were clearly in my face at the time. The clearest example of this is right here on this very blog.

I wrote this on 3.30.09 when I first got word of Mandy being in the hospital, & the very next entry I wrote is on 5.1.2009 eight days after she died. Not one word, not even a keystroke during the month of April. Have I always done this? Withdrew in difficult times?

The things that I saw & experienced during that month, I still have difficulty putting into words. In a lot of ways it's still fresh, still raw, still - in many ways - so wrong. There are many things, I wish I would have done different, things I wish I would have said. Things I will always regret.

Somewhere along the way I learned to hold things in, push it away, keep it without words until it made sense to me or I just couldn't keep it in any longer, whichever came first. And let me be the first to say, I truly hate that I learned to do that. Why? Bc I truly believe there are certain things that shouldn't be kept silent.

We are only as sick as our secrets. Secrets have power in the darkness. The only thing that make them powerless is by exposing them & bringing them to light. This I know. However, this is not easy to do. And I must admit I've been struggling with a lot of things lately.

There is so much I want to say right now. So many thoughts & feelings that I want to process. So much that I want to confess. Just purge it. Bring it into the light. Give it less power. But as much as I want this, I just can't. I'm not ready. I'm not ready - as honest as I have found myself to be on this journey to my more authentic self - to confess certain things on this very public blog. A blog that anyone & everyone can read.

In these recent months, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Written entries late at night or not when I wanted to all together. Told people, in person & not, things that I never thought I would say. Exposed the secrets & lies on my quest for the truth.

A million thoughts are in my head. I want to run. Hide. Pull away. Be left alone. It's what I do. It's all I know. However, I also know better. I know there is a better way. I just need the courage to pursue it.

Moments

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

Historically, I haven't been fond of this holiday. For starters, it was the day many, many years ago now that I picked to get married to my former fiance, Mark. As if I'm speaking a foreign language, it has always seemed strange to me to call him my former fiance & I must admit I have always struggled with what to call him exactly.

We never broke up. We just didn't call it a day & move on going our separate ways. We just didn't decide not to do it. One day, just an ordinary day like any other, Mark was killed by a drunk driver.

Perhaps it is the years gone me that has changed things, but I still view him as A Stepping Stone. A place that I was so meant to be at in the moment, but just wasn't meant to stay. At the time, I didn't see it that way, but I do now.

Again, God's timing & plan are perfect. Just perfect. He had other plans for me. Other purposes. Things just were not meant to happen they way I thought they were going to or how I thought they should be.

I must admit, it feels a little strange to say that pertaining to Mark. Almost as if it were to make who he was to me less important. Or the lessens I learned from him less valuable. I know this isn't true, but part of me feels as if it true. Let me say it again, I know this is not true, but sometimes, it feels true.

Sometimes it is difficult to wish life was different. How we wanted or planned vs. in reality what is. I can't do that though. I can't live in the past. I can't play the what if game.Doing that doesn't serve me (or anyone around me) well. I have learned that living in the past should not be done. Bc when you live in the past, you miss the present. You miss the moments. The moments that life is all about.

So, yesterday, was awesome. It was filled with ordinary, not so extraordinary moments. Being ever so thankful, not living in the past, praising & being in awe of it all moments. Spending time with the one I was meant to be with. Reflecting on the past, but living in the present. Taking not one single circumstance or second for granted.

Not Me Monday: Disconnected & Discontent

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been been six months, since I've written my last Not Me Monday entry. And ironically I did not write about my dad being in the hospital then too. I'm also not writing this at a little after midnight on Monday morning, bc I never have trouble sleeping & never have a lot on my mind. No, Not Me!

We did not have over 26" of snow here & something called Thundersnow, which I've never heard of before, let alone never saw before Saturday morning. Our street is not still covered in over two feet of snow, which prevents anyone from leaving the house -unless they leave by foot. My Father-In-Law (FIL) did not do just that & go to High's to get essential things like milk, eggs & chocolate, only to discover that our streets is one of the only ones not plowed yet. Then, I did not listen as mom told that they are telling people that it may be another 24+ hrs until the side streets are plowed. No, Not Me!

I'm not frustrated that Jake may not be able to go to work tomorrow bc of the street not being plowed. I'm not aware that my wheelchair that's been broke for months finally has all the parts in & is ready to be fixed, but I cannot get anywhere with the combination of snow & a broken wheel. No, Not Me!

I do not wish my dad was not in the hospital, even though I know that a hospital is where he needs to be right at the moment & if he needed to be anywhere that I could not get to him - I would want him to be there. I am not worried that I still can't get to him bc I'm trapped in my house. I am not also worried how he is going to get home when he gets discharged, since we cannot get anywhere at the moment & my brother was in a bad accident Friday. No, Not Me!

I am not aware that this week is six years exactly that Jake & became members of our church that we so dearly love. I was not disappointed that snow kept church from happening this week. I did not think all the time of my friend Beth who is a key person in making sure that the blizzard that fell on us is taken care of on the church property. No, Not Me!

I am not secretly relieved that my Theophostic Prayer Ministry (TPM) training class got cancelled this week due to the snow. I do not feel this way bc I'm tired of the classes that I love very much, but rather bc I had such a personal revealing, & difficult ministry session last Tuesday that I'm still trying to process & think through. I know - without a doubt that the session was beneficial to me, & I am very thankful for it, but I do not have the desire to face certain people before I think things through some more & get things right in my head. No, Not Me!

I do not sometimes wish that I had a friend who I could have an open & honest conversation with about my faith, & my walk as a Christian & this journey I have found myself on, without feeling like I'm being judged or infringing on his or her time. No, not me!

I am not feeling that bc of thoughts & feelings I'm going through right now that I'm withdrawing or being disconnected to friends & people around me. I do not have a strong desire to connect with others, even if those others are strangers friends I have not met yet out in Blogland. So, I do not dare you to leave a comment telling me that you stopped by & share your thoughts. Or better yet, give a follow & stay awhile, so I can get to know you too! No, Not Me!

Saying Sundays: Letting Go & Lessons

Given recent events & feelings, I have chosen two quotes for Saying Sunday this week. One just wasn't enough.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"

~~ Mary Manin Morrissey


“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.

~~ Stanley Lindquist

The Exception

I know it's Wednesday. And I'm supposed to be Wordless. I will be - just later, that's all... It's almost 2 AM here, & while I'm exhausted from Tuesday's events, it is not necessarily a bad exhaustion.

There is no question that we've had a lot going on... that I've had a lot of stuff going on with thoughts & feelings swirling around & consuming me at times. There still is a lot going on & still an abundance of feelings; however, I feel different now.

I went to church & actually went there to meet with Patsy to do a TPM session. It went well, but totally drained me. Afterwards, I ended up having another meeting with my friend Beth to brainstorm on ideas for an ongoing project at church. Then Jake & I stayed & chatted with her a bit. It was actually nice to do that, as we haven't had much time to do so lately.

The more I think about it the more I am amazed how God works. Through out my life He has made sure that the perfect people are in it, & these two ladies are no exception. There is no question that God wants the best for me, even if I have to struggle to get there. Although, I must admit that sometimes the biggest person I have to battle along this journey is myself.

I am not perfect. I have been through so much. Both good & bad it has made me who I am. And you know what? I really do like who I am. And I must admit, that wasn't always the case. Just bc I've had some really screwed up things happen to me, it does not mean that they define me.

How crazy would that be if that were not true. That I was by definition the lady who had X, Y, & Z happen to her or be define by some characteristic, such as the lady who has Cerebral Palsy who roams around in a wheelchair. While it may be true that I did have X, Y, Z happen & do have CP & use a chair to get around, not one thing defines who I am.

God did not design us to be defined by one thing or another, whatever that may be. People define us as such. Why? Bc they can, which in reality means there is no good reason for it, they just do.

So, I'm here to tell you that I am who am. The person God created me to be, not to be define by one thing or another. Well, if you must define me by just one thing bc you just have to do so - go right ahead, bc there is one exception... One thing that does define me - I am a child of God.

And, in the end, that's all that matters.

Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Hide & Seek

Recently, I read this post from MckMama's blog & I've been pondering somethings... Actually, I've been thinking about the same things she talks about in her post well before I had read it. It's a good read, with some really good points, so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. But only if you wish to do so. {:)

Living boldly is hard. Blogging boldly is even more difficult. Or is it the other way around? Some days I think it's both, or one over the other depending on the day. No matter how honest I am or how much I try to be authentic, sometimes I still find myself editing when I don't mean to or just automatically, which ever the case may be.

There are lots of times lately, say in the past year or so, that I find myself in a place that I do not ever wish I was in & I was (am) out of my comfort zone; however, I have grown from those places & learned from those places. Does it make it all worth it? Maybe, but at the time I'm in those places, I don't want to think of that.

Although, I must say, that since I started this blog, I do try to write from my heart as often as I can - with a bold honesty that, yes, sometimes takes me out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to pretend that I have it all together when I don't. That Jake & I aren't struggling when we are. That I am not upset or angry when I am, in fact, pissed. Who am I fooling? Certainly not myself. Certainly not God.

Being honest now, I must say that right this very moment - for days now, I have been pissed. That I'm not only just mad, but I'm pissed at God. Why? Well, for right now, that's going to have to stay between me & Him. Maybe there will come a time when I will share - maybe that time will never come.

This is nothing new. It has happened before. Many, many times. What is different now? Now, I am closer to God then I have ever been & my relationship with Him has never, ever been so real.

So real, in fact that it is hard to ignore Him & even more difficult to push him away. It's as if He is saying, "I'm here. Right here and I am not going anywhere, regardless if you are mad or not. Push all you want. I'll still be here." In fact, I know that's what He is saying.

So great - just great - I'm pissed & I have to deal with it too? Talk about living boldly. Now that's being honest. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to admit that I'm mad at God right at this moment, when I have done so in the past & I've not only done so, but I have done so rather loudly.

Maybe it's bc even when I'm mad, He continues to change me, give me gifts, & bless me in many ways. Or maybe it's bc of this journey I am on & that I am closer now then I have ever been. This time it's much more personal. This time, He is harder to ignore, harder to run from, harder to hide from... That no matter just how much I do run, the truth remains that I simply cannot hide.

I never could. Bc no matter where I try to hide, He is always seeking me.

Just A Little Venting

I will be the first to tell you - I am not perfect. Not by a long shot, just not at all.

I don't know it all or even pretend to know it all. I want certain things I can't have, some not right now, some not at all:

I want to have a family;
I want to have my friends here with me, instead of not.
I want to stop being tortured by Mandy's death &
I want answers damn it (don't I deserve that?);
I want to cure cancer;
I want to be able to freely admit - I am pissed & that isn't going away, not soon!
I want people to understand that feelings are not wrong, no matter what they are -
I want to believe what I know to be true.
I want to not worry about certain things;
I want to stop doubting;
I want to know that things are going to be okay;
I want a safe place to fall!

Wow, it's a short list, but that's a lot & at least it's truthful. And I know that I could go on longer, but don't have the time or the engery. Hey, if I can't vent, WTH is a blog good for anyway?

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.

Good Bye 2009 & Thanks For It All

In a couple of hours, 2009 will be a thing of the past. And I can't be more glad.

This year has been so difficult. It's not about the deaths or other losses I have had, how my husband & I struggled, the things that have gone unsaid or unwritten, but about all of it together.

Yes, this year has been difficult.

While I have had difficult times - years - before, 2009 is different. I am different. Even though I have struggled this year, I have also changed & grown more than any year that I can remember. My struggling & changing have gone hand & hand. There is no doubt that one has effected the other. How could it not?

Amongst other things, I have grown in my faith as a Christian. I have grown as a person & there is no doubt, I am better for it. I cannot, & will not, look back on this year & (as much as I may want to) wish that it would or could be forgotten.

It is through the difficult times of this year that I have not only grown, but grown closer to God. My faith has been tested & stretched. I have questioned, begged & pleaded, & prayed more than I have ever in the past. Likewise, it has been years since my faith has been tested like this. And I must say, my relationship with God has never been more real. More personal. More connected than ever before.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I would have said or done things differently? Do I wish that I could go back & re-do things again, changing the outcome? Yes... and no. Yes, don't we all wish we could do that to some degree & no, if I could change things, have a re-do, things would not be how they are now.

There is a reason for it all. Everything both good & bad has a purpose. I would like to think that the difficulties I have faced, the struggling I have endured, have a reason - a good one - for occurring; that life as I know it will be different than ever before. Be different in the new year to come.

So, I say Good Bye to this year & give thanks for it. For without this year & everything I encountered within it, I would not be just where I am & who I am today.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I can honestly say there was a point when I didn't know just how this Christmas was going to turn out or, just simply put, how on earth would I make it through after having such a tough year - having lost so much.

I made it through though.

How? Well, it was easy wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Sure, there were parts that were tough. A lot of tears shed, but that's not at all a bad thing, its all part of being human. And my thoughts were bombarded with thoughts of loved ones who were no longer here & the remnants of Christmas past.

Here's the thing about the past though: it's a great place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

So, I visit, & I am thankful - no matter how much bad stuff happens - for all the good stuff that has happened this year, choosing to focus on my blessings.

Reminding myself not what I have lost, but what I have & have gained this year. And that's made all the difference in the world.

Living In The Truth

Authentic [aw-then-tik]: not false or copied; genuine; real.

Over the past year, I have attempted to become more authentic. Something that I have craved to be well before this year. I have, as I always had, yearned to be a better person, to live in nothing but truth - to be the person I was meant to be, & fully embrace that change.

It has not been easy to except this journey I continue on, but nonetheless, I welcome it. Living in the truth, no matter what that truth is & no matter how much it hurts to face that truth sometimes is a daily struggle.

And living in the truth, striving to be authentic, has cost me greatly.

I have come to realize that even though I embrace the truth, others do not. This has cost me friendships, put a strain on some relationships, & caused me to question & see things differently than I ever had before.

Over time, I have rearranged my priorities & put myself before others. Something that I have NEVER done before. And, well, this hasn't sat well with some. As I think back, this blog was created as a direct result of me putting me on the top of my list. Remember?

Yes. Things are different. Things were not made to always stay the same. People were not made to stay the same either. And, as much as I hate to admit it, while I do have regrets, I am not sorry for how things are now.

I am a better person bc of my quest to be authentic. It is my journey - no one else's. The person that I am & who I continue to be is so much better than the person I ever dreamed of being.

So, yes, I'll continue on my way - being genuine, real, not false, bc in the end, the rewards are far more greater than I imagined.

In Awe

Dear God,

I am in awe. Speechless. As I write this, tears stream down, not in sadness or despair, but in thankfulness of your mercy & grace. You are amazing. Thank you for shedding light on my darkness, giving me a peace that is so undeserving. What a gift.

Thank you for leading me on this journey & allowing me the freedom to chose to stay on this path of healing, which allows me to be who I was truly meant to be.

My Love Always,

Saving vs. Savior

I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrfice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy."~Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.