Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Love & Light

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

In The Depths

Sometimes God whispers.
Sometimes God speaks.
Sometimes God screams.

We have to chose to hear Him.

He is always there.
In the depths,
a light, amid darkness.

Shining bright within.



This Little Light of Mine
By: Addison Road

Saying Sundays: Shadows of Life

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

Happy 1st Birthday, Beautiful Blue Eyed Boy!

It's New Year's Eve, but more importantly to me, someone very special turns one today.

His name is Christian Soren. And the first time I laid eyes on him when he was only a day old, I fell in love. Can you tell?

His mom Stacey & I have been friends since high school. She was one of my best friends. In fact, she still is. There are times when I truly would be lost without her. I don't have any sisters, but I as far as I am concerned, she is part of my family.

Remember when I wrote this? Well, Stacey is one of those people who helped me fight against the darkness. I would not be who I am today, if she were not the friend she was back then.

Yes, there were others who helped too, but not like her. She was & is very different. One of her best assets is her ability to make others laugh, especially me. And back then, there wasn't much to smile about - much less laugh, but she always found a way. Not to mention, she has this uncanny no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is attitude, & I love that about her.

It brings me nothing but joy to share in her happiness to be a mother.

Some people who don't have children, but want them badly (like me), don't care to be happy for others who have what they desire. I am not that way. I just can't be. How can I not be happy for her? She would be happy for me, if the situation were reverse. As for her being a mother, just like she is a friend, she is a fantastic mother.

In fact, she waited, wanted, desired & prayed to be a mother for more than seven years, probably longer. And then, when she & her husband, Kevin, least expected it, along came Christian. In fact, Christian is due to have a sibling in March of 2010! How exciting! If you would like to know more about Stacey & her wonderful family, you can do so on her blog.

Now, back to the Birthday Boy... He the bluest eyes I think that I have ever seen. And trust me, I've seen some eyes!

His gaze is as intense as his eyes. It's as if he can see right through you to your soul. His smile can warm the coldest of nights & make the darkest of days bright. His laugh is infectious.

Never in my life have I seen cheeks like these or a dimple like this:
They just beg to be kissed, don't you agree?

So, Happy Birthday, Little Blue Eyed Dimpled Darling. May you continue to grow, be healthy & happy while bringing joy & laughter into every one's life that you touch. You are very loved & will grow up passing that love on in ways yet unknown. I just know you are destined to do great things!

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.

Through The Darkness

It's nearly 1 AM in the morning. Jake is snoring and Pee Wee, our 5 year old miniature dachshund, who is more dachshund than miniature, is nestled under the cover beside him.

Ever since I was a teenager I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know exactly how or why it started, but my guess is that my disturbance in my sleep started long before I got diagnosed with severe depression the summer of my eighth grade year.

I am okay now, not suffering from depression and obviously not needing to be on medication for it. The meds were the worse and sometimes I think they did not help as much as they hindered.

Not to talk bad about medication, as that is not my intention. I'm just saying I remember times when I was on the with meds and until we found the right medication and dose, everything was intensified. Put that together with the nasty, harsh, and sometimes unbearable side effects, and it truly was pure hell. God forbid, I was on a med that worked for me and my body built up a tolerance and the med just didn't work anymore. It truly became a vicious cycle and a waiting game.

I would not wish depression on my worst enemy. I am lucky I am still alive. Despite the meds and the countless hours of counsiling, I readily welcomed death numerous times, too many times to count.

If someone asked me to tell them where I was going to be in a week, I honestly could not tell them because all I saw was blackness. I not only attempted suicide but came very close to being successful several times. It was never for attention. I wanted the pain and torture to end and I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything.

Depression is tricky. To someone who does not understand it, it is not something you can just "get over" or "think happy thoughts" to "cure." I just wish everyone saw and understood it for what it truly was - a disease.

So how did I get through it? Well, it was not an easy thing to do, especially since my battle with it lasted a few years short of two decades. It was a day by day, hour by hour and, sometimes, minute by minute struggle. Whatever pulled me through the day, I grasped onto knowing that there just had to be something better than the dark days I faced.

However, the real credit goes to my friends because with out them, I would not have survived. Sometimes, I battled with them more than I battled myself. There were a lot of phone calls, late nights, a river's worth of tears, angry words and lots of questions.

These friends were - and still are -amazing. A lot of those friends are still a part of my life, but not all... Even though I may have lost touch, grown apart, went a different path than some of them, it does not mean that I am not thankful for what they gave me.

All of those friends were the ones who believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. They were the lights in my darkness and they gave me what I needed to truly live.