By His Grace

When I was at Beth's house for Easter, she asked me something that caught me off guard. Actually, she asked me two things that caught me off guard, but one question I've been thinking about more than the other. And the other will have to wait for another time & another post.

Catching me off guard is difficult to do. Every once in a while it happens though. It was innocent enough. Sitting on her couch talking about life. She was right - I've been through so much, more than most can imagine, more than she will ever truly know.

Her question? Simple. How can I have gone through so much & be like I am. The answer itself is just as simple. "By the grace of God go I." Without a pause, without nearly a second thought, those simple words said so much.

The truth is I've asked that same question myself, many, many times. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not on drugs. I'm not in a mental institution. I'm not laying in a bed somewhere curled up in a fetal position mindlessly rocking back & forth. I'm not dead, by neither my hand nor someone else's. Though given what I've been through, any one of those options would be understandable.

God's grace, His mercy & His love for me is the only answer that makes sense - not that it has to make sense at all. I was watching this show recently that airs on the USA Network called In Plain Sight. I would like to share a quote from a recent episode.

"We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love. People we don't. People caught in the middle. Even people who'd give anything if they would never, ever, get hurt again, but sometimes the hurt can't be avoided.

It's just coming at us & can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen. Or its lying next to us in the dark... waiting, but sometimes it doesn't come at all.

Sometimes we get this other thing that just flutters down out of nowhere that stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes, rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most & expect it the least, we get a break."

To me, that's what God's grace is... something that flutters down when I least expect it. God's mercy, on the other hand, gives me the much needed breaks in life, time & time again. I've been lucky enough that He has chosen to show me both His grace & His mercy countless of times, probably more often than I am even aware.

I am broken. Damaged. I don't deny it. I would be nothing without Him. Nothing. Without Him, I would, indeed, not be here. At the very least - if not dead - I would not be who I am. Every single event that has happened in my life - both good & bad - has made me who I am.

Not for a single second do I believe that God causes bad things to happen in my life. Or anyone else's for that matter. Although in confession, I have not always believed this. In years passed, I used to believe that if God was in control then He must have wanted {insert bad thing here} to happen. Which lead to destructive behavior & fueled years of anger. What I know now is so vastly different.

Two words: free will. It is our God given right to chose. God will not violate my will. And just as he will not violate my will, He won't violate the will of others either. This means that when bad things have happened to me that are caused by other people's actions, God didn't cause it. He didn't want this for me. He didn't allow it to happen bc I did something wrong & was being punished. It all comes back to free will - everyone's God given right.

I have also learned that God uses everything for His good. That everything in life is a blessing & a lesson - no matter if it is good or bad. I wrote about lessons & blessings what seems like forever ago, in this post last November. In short, bc of the lessons that I have learned & the ways God has blessed me through tragedy, I would not change a thing about my past.

Looking back, it is in these difficult times of struggle that I was not alone. If I had been, who knows what would happen. He was there. He made sure that I have had amazing people to support me. Some may say it bc I am strong. It's not. It is bc of His love for me & the mercy & grace He bestows upon me. So, yes, in deed, by the grace of God go I.

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

Saving vs. Savior

I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrfice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy."~Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

A Stepping Stone

Days turn to nights and then days again here. It is an unending cycle. It's hard to believe that it has been a week since my last entry. Valentine's Day came and went. What a wonderful day it was, although it was nothing special about it.

Jake and I spent the day together, and watch a very thought provoking movie called "Fireproof." It's a Christian based movie about marriage. I highly recommend watching it if you are a Christian or married, and it's a must see if you are both.

I have come to not mind Valentine's Day, which is a great improvement then in the past. I hated that day, more than all the rest.

It was the day one of my friends committed suicide and the day I was originally supposed to marry Mark, my "former" fiancee (same day, different years). I used the word former lightly because I think it is awkward to refer to him as that even now, many years later.

See, before we were to marry, Mark was killed by a drunk driver. I guess you could say that his death taught me many lessons. The most important lesson it taught me was my plans had nothing if little to do with God's plan and that is the plan that really mattered most of all.

I guess what changed it for me was looking at what I did have vs. what could have been. Mark was a very important part of my life, and as I see it now, a stepping stone. He very much had a purpose in my life teaching me how to love and how to be loved most of all.

I am a better person because he loved me, truly unconditionally. The ironic thing is when the pain of losing him was so fresh, so new, so deep, I couldn't imagine my life with out him.

Now, my life is not only without him but if I didn't lose him I would not have so many wonderful things in my life, like Jake and his family.

I guess it really is true - Everything does happen for a reason, although the reason may not reveal itself until years later, long after you've stepped off that stepping stone.

Through The Darkness

It's nearly 1 AM in the morning. Jake is snoring and Pee Wee, our 5 year old miniature dachshund, who is more dachshund than miniature, is nestled under the cover beside him.

Ever since I was a teenager I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know exactly how or why it started, but my guess is that my disturbance in my sleep started long before I got diagnosed with severe depression the summer of my eighth grade year.

I am okay now, not suffering from depression and obviously not needing to be on medication for it. The meds were the worse and sometimes I think they did not help as much as they hindered.

Not to talk bad about medication, as that is not my intention. I'm just saying I remember times when I was on the with meds and until we found the right medication and dose, everything was intensified. Put that together with the nasty, harsh, and sometimes unbearable side effects, and it truly was pure hell. God forbid, I was on a med that worked for me and my body built up a tolerance and the med just didn't work anymore. It truly became a vicious cycle and a waiting game.

I would not wish depression on my worst enemy. I am lucky I am still alive. Despite the meds and the countless hours of counsiling, I readily welcomed death numerous times, too many times to count.

If someone asked me to tell them where I was going to be in a week, I honestly could not tell them because all I saw was blackness. I not only attempted suicide but came very close to being successful several times. It was never for attention. I wanted the pain and torture to end and I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything.

Depression is tricky. To someone who does not understand it, it is not something you can just "get over" or "think happy thoughts" to "cure." I just wish everyone saw and understood it for what it truly was - a disease.

So how did I get through it? Well, it was not an easy thing to do, especially since my battle with it lasted a few years short of two decades. It was a day by day, hour by hour and, sometimes, minute by minute struggle. Whatever pulled me through the day, I grasped onto knowing that there just had to be something better than the dark days I faced.

However, the real credit goes to my friends because with out them, I would not have survived. Sometimes, I battled with them more than I battled myself. There were a lot of phone calls, late nights, a river's worth of tears, angry words and lots of questions.

These friends were - and still are -amazing. A lot of those friends are still a part of my life, but not all... Even though I may have lost touch, grown apart, went a different path than some of them, it does not mean that I am not thankful for what they gave me.

All of those friends were the ones who believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. They were the lights in my darkness and they gave me what I needed to truly live.