Yet To Be Written

So, so, so much time has passed. And yet no words have been written.

It is now, as of yesterday, 2016.  And a new year awaits.  Brand new - yet to be written.

Sometime last year, I decided that it was time for a change & I resolved to declutter my life and get my health in order (more on that in a future post, I promise).  I have to say, for the most part, I have been successful on those resolutions.  It is, however, a continuing journey.  And, sometimes, easier said than done.

I have always thought of a new year as something hopeful.  It's as if the possibilities are endless.  A chance for things to be better than the year before. A chance for growth. A chance for prayers to be answered.

And I hope is true for this coming year.  After all, anything is possible.

The Never Ending Circle

It's been forever since I have written.  Don't take it personal. It's not.

Sometimes, when I go through tough stuff, I retreat.  And when I need to write the most, I don't.  Slowly, time just builds up and I don't know what to say because too much time has passed, so I just don't write anything.

It's a vicious cycle... a never ending circle.

The truth is I want to fall in love again.  To be more specific, I want to fall in love with writing again.  I miss the therapeutic release that writing has always been for me.  I miss purging my innermost thoughts, even if it's not on my very public blog.

You see, I haven't written at all for a very long time.  Not even in private.

I can't even come up with a valid reason why.  The only thing that even sounds like it's half true is simply that I just wasn't ready.

You see, I've always tried to tell the truth, especially on here.  And that hasn't always been easy.  I am very aware that this blog is not private and sometimes that leads to a vulnerability that is just too much to bare all the time.

I don't even know if anyone other than me is still reading this blog anyway.  All I know is someday someone may stumble upon it and may even think that something I have to say is important - or at the very least valid.

So, here I am again.  And I promise to make a valiant effort to find my words again, even when it's difficult.

Decluttering Life

It's been way too long since I have written.  In my opinion, there aren't any excuses that are good enough to justify it, so I will spare you. Life just goes on and time goes by. And before you know it, nine months or so passes like it was nothing at all.

What bothers me the most is how easy it is for me to just stop writing, regardless of how therapeutic it is for me to write.  And when that happens, I tell myself that I'll write tomorrow or the next day, yet that day never comes.

It really is that simple and, yet, it seems so complicated.  Or overwhelming. Or both.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something big, yet I am not sure what exactly. For the past couple of weeks - months even, I've been trying to get my life - or at least my surroundings - together... slowly decluttering my life and making things simpler.  I don't know why, I just feel as if it is time.

It's the time for a lot of things really. It's time now.  And slowly, even if it's one word at a time, life will - hopefully - become simpler again.

Reclaiming My Voice

Somewhere between here & there, I lost my words... and time just... well, went on.  So many times, I wish I could say certain things & write about them on here or just write abt them at all.

Still months passed, and nothing came, even though things begged to be written.

Then, much like a scolded child peeking around the corner wondering if it is safe to come out again, words began slowly seeping out - hoping not to be noticed.

Here's the thing though: words written by a writer, more specifically - words written by me - need to be read.  Isn't that the point?

To be authentic. 
To be true.  
To be real.

To at least one trusted person, who loves me.  No matter what.

For years, writing has been therapeutic.  Such a good outlet for me, especially to let things out that aren't so... pretty.  Things that aren't so... perfect.  I write abt tough stuff.  Stuff that most people would rather forget.

Here's the thing abt forgetting though - there is no healing in forgetting.  Or pretending to forget.  Or just pretending... period. So for now, I write some things in private. And some things in public too.

I'll find the words.  I'll reclaim my voice.  And I'll be back.

One Step At A Time

"Faith is taking the first step 

even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(1929-1968)

I'm 37 today. Thirty seven.

How did I get here?  How have Jake & I just had the privilege of celebrating our 8th year of marriage already?  It's a privilege that we fought for - a privilege that we have very much earned the right to celebrate.  After all, a lot of marriages don't even make it this far, sad to say.

Truthfully, I must say with each passing year, the twinge in my heart gets a little deeper.

And there is a sadness, hidden behind the celebration of blessings.  Amid the thankfulness of another year, there is something missing.  No, not something, but someone.

For another year of trying to have a child has passed.

Yet we pray, we hope, we believe - that we will be parents some day.

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of faith is believing what we cannot see.  No, not God - for I see Him daily in numerous ways, but rather His Plan for my life.

It is hard for me to see His Plan, bc I am limited by my very human eyes.  And try as I might, I just can't see the whole picture - the Greater Plan.

And no, I may not know why certain things happen or don't happen.  I may never know this side of Heaven;  however, at times, I do see glimpses His Plan.

So with each year that passes, I cling to my faith.  And I forge on, one step at a time, even if I don't see the whole staircase.

Dad: Two Years Gone

{Dad at Winter's Run, 7.26.2005}
24 months.  104 weeks.  730 days. 17,520 hours.  1,051,200 minutes.  63,072,000 seconds.

How do you measure 2 years two years gone by, without someone you love?

By sleepless nights, tears shed, questions asked, prayers prayed, memories remembered?

Or maybe it's by telephone calls not received, conversations missed, errands not run, pool games not played, crabs not shared, hugs not given, I love yous not uttered.

Whatever way you measure it, I'm missing the first man who ever loved me.  And amid the myriad of emotions that overcome me, I'm jealous of the angels today.

"Jealous of the Angels"

By: Jenn Bostic

I miss you, Daddy. Thank you for loving me. I'm holding you as close as I can, longing for the day when we meet again.  Until then, as always, your love continues to live through me.

Love Always - Your Little Girl,

Missing

So my birthday came & went with out much hoopla.  I'm 36 now, joy.   I'm slightly cynical nowadays a little too.  Not quite sure why & that's okay.  Tomorrow is mom's birthday. Often I wonder where the time has gone.

I miss dad & others all the time & seem to be struggling a little more then usual.  I can't quite figure out what  that is about either. I just know I'm slightly overwhelmed.  Many days it's more than slight.  I haven't been going to church for almost a month now, & it feels very weird.

Still I don't go.

I miss my life.  Some may even say they miss me. And I agree.

For Promise

Spent the day just hanging around the the house, enjoying this BEAUTIFUL weather, & watching Jake tinker around with this & that.  And as always, as it seems to be now adays, reflecting on life.

Tomorrow, I head off to help with & attend one of my friend's co-ed bridal shower.  I am so excited for Rachel & Brian.  Nervous too. As the wedding rapidly approaches & time is disappearing, I have to wonder if it all will get done.

I ask the question, almost instantly, I know the answer. It will. It  always does. 

I am excited for them.  They are amazing people who are faith-believing, God-centered seekers of Him, who are full of hope & promise for the world, for life, for each other.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for them.

Reflecting always gets to me in a a sentimental way.  It seems it wasn't so long ago, Jake & I were that couple. And now, we blink & 7 years have gone by. So hard to believe.  Yet not.

I hear 7 years & I can't help & think that it was my parents at their 7th year were already separated & heading for divorce.  I am beyond grateful that I will not repeat their mistakes.  I wonder what promise they had for their life?

I slowly close my eyes, draw in deep, reflect & I give thanks.

For my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends. For love. And for Promise.

Dear Mandy: Three Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

I went to sleep thinking of you & I woke up doing the same. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that three years ago today, you left this world.  How does time do that?

I miss you so much.  My life is very different now.  I wish you were here.  I long to hear your voice & miss your friendship beyond words.

I miss a lot of my friendships actually, not just yours.  Strangely though, most of the friends I miss are still here.  In a way, it is a different grief, longing & sadness.  Grieving for something I know will never be the same.  The realization that some best friends, aren't meant to be best forever - no matter how many years you have known them.

Not us though.  There are times when I feel you around me, although I wish it was more.  God, I miss you.  I think of you at least once every day.  Still.  I miss getting together with you, playing the Wii, scrapbooking, watching movies... all of it.

I miss just being with you.  Being your friend was always so easy.  With you, I never had to try to figure out anything.  I could just be who I was, whatever I was going through - no matter what. I miss that.

I hate that I have lost interest in things I used to love. Photography, scrapbooking, blogging, cook outs. Just being with people.  This didn't happen overnight.  It never does.  And it didn't happen bc of you.

I lost myself & I'm trying to find me again. That sounds so cliché, but nonetheless it's true.  I now understand that life is a simple series of beginning & ends - of starts & finishes.  I understand that it's people that make life so complicated.

I understand that life is precious.  And we only get one shot at it.  Like it or not, we were put on this earth for one reason & one reason only - to love one another.  Thank you, My Mandy, for doing just that.  Thank you for loving me.

Love Forever,

Here I Am

So, it seems like forever ago since I have blogged & I guess, in some strange way, it has been. Almost a month now.

My computer is not feeling so well at the moment & I'm not quite sure what's going on with it or how to fix it, so I have to log on to my FIL's computer & I don't like to spend a lot of time on there if I can help it.

I always find time fascinating. How it continues on despite everything. It's the one constant that is an entity of its own.

Dad has been gone for over eight months now. And in 2 days, Mandy will be gone for two years. That's crazy. I'm baffled really.

I have found, at least as it relates to me, time does not heal wounds, as the cliche implies, but rather changes things. Or perhaps it is me who changes. If I had to guess, I would say it is a little of both.

I'm just been thinking a lot about everything & everyone. I've been reflecting on a lot of stuff lately, that of which all falls under the great & all encompassing umbrella of life. And death, I suppose.

I do not have all the answers, but then again, I never claimed to. All that I am certain of is that I am changing & growing, as I struggle to find my place among the living again.

Not that I died, but when you are dealing with grieving, no matter what or who you are grieving for, it feels as if a part of you has died. And parts of me did die, in a sense.

So, here I am. As time goes on, so do I. Despite it all.

Different

Everything is different now & it makes the most simplest of task so very difficult.

The very last thing I've felt like doing is writing. There always seems to be a million & one thoughts in my head now a days & it is so easy to get distracted & forget what I'm doing from one task to the other.

Wish I could forget other things too, even for a little while.

The holidays came & went. So incredibly painful & wonderful at the same time. Just other reminder that things will never be the same.

Honestly, I don't want to talk about everything now, it only seems to complicate things & is a overwhelming task all it's own. I can say this though - I have struggled to stay connected & be connected to those I love.

I try, but it is as hard for others to understand as it is for me to explain. Some days are better than others. As always, it amazes me how time passes. And how things appear to be the same yet are drastically different.

Four Months Gone

Funny how time drifts on, even if we don't want it too.

I've been thinking lately how strange it feels to exists without my dad. There are days that I have to remind myself that he is gone.

Still.

This seems like a very odd thing for me to have to do, yet there are days when I have to remind myself several times. And others where it is painfully clear.

It seems like I should be doing something. Like going to a hospital to visit him, picking up food from the store, taking him Christmas shopping, or logging on to play The West with him.

Christmas time doesn't feel very Christmassy this year. I am amazed that it is cold bc somewhere in my brain, I am stuck back in August - unable to compute that my world has ticked on for an entire quarter of a year without him.

My phone is still too silent. I suspect it always will be. I wonder how others have coped & if they struggled to find their place again, like me.

Two AM & I am still awake. I am always awake now, never able to seem to get whatever it is I need. My doctor says this is what it is like to grieve for a parent. Or so he has heard. So vastly different than any other grief.

I should say so.

And will say so.

Four months. Gone.

Losing It

Losing what? I am not sure. I am not sure of much anymore.

For days I've stayed to myself... Painfully pulled away. Well, truth be told - It wasn't so much pulling away as me just stopping reaching out.

What is the point? Especially if others don't reach back or are insanely busy. I am starting to feel like a bother.

For days, I've been in a dark place - dark & difficult. I'm not depressed, I'm grieving. I know the difference, having been in both places many times, for different lengths of time.

Most don't get it. They still have their parents. Even Jake who lost his mom 10 years ago struggles to get it at times. He wants to fix this. He can't. I feel bad for him. Isn't that ironic?

I want to strangle the person who says time heals. Time doesn't heal a damn thing, it just continues on. Continues on despite everything.

I try to keep my faith - keep it close to me. I know God is carrying me bc I am exhausted & just can't do this anymore.

I have lost it. Lost myself. Feel like I have lost everything & including who I am. I will never be the same... I just am struggling. Struggling to find my new normal.

Thoughts that are dark dance in my head. I try not to entertain them, not for long... no good can come of it.

So for now, I will try to sleep. To get rest from it all. And I will pray that in the morning, light will shine through the darkness... at least for a little while.

Contradiction

By the time this post goes live tomorrow, I will be getting ready to leave & go to Aunt Elaine's funeral. Just a very short 7 days ago, I buried Dad last Wednesday too.

I am exhausted & questioning a lot. Sometimes I just think that this cannot be real & I'll wake up any second. I'm in automatic mode that is for sure. Everything around me seems to be in slow motion, yet moving so incredibly way too fast.

I don't want to be around people, but yet, I don't want to be alone either. I want to push people away, but yet, I want to hold them close & am terrified of them leaving me. I am a rolling contradiction.

I am hurting so much & so deep that I don't even know if words exist to express how I feel. If I do ever find the words though, you'll be the first to know.

Saying Sundays: Time

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back."

~Harvey MacKay

Fun

{Note: As painful as it may be for me to leave this post in it's true unedited form, that's how it's staying... To stay true to myself & the state of being, at the moment. Oh, and note to self: Maybe e-mails shouldn't be the only things to stay unwritten in sleepless states.}

It's 3 AM Thursday morning. We have to stop meeting like this. My husband leaves for work in 3 hours & the only thing that is beside him is the dog. That's what you get when you have an insomniac for a wife I suppose. And that's a damn shame.

I wonder if that ever bothers him? A while back when he worked for another company & on the night shift, it drove me crazy him not being here to sleep beside me. You think I have trouble sleeping now, you should have seen me then. I would go weeks without sleeping. You think I'm kidding.

Now, Jake - he's a different story. He can & would sleep standing up, if I let him. He has had no trouble what so ever falling asleep - as soon as he head hits the pillow. In fact, it took me longer to type that last part of that sentence than it takes him to sleep. I counted once. It wasn't even 3 seconds. Seriously.

My inability to sleep gets worse with worry & stress, something that I fully admit I have not had a handle on lately. I wish I could say I did. I feel like I'm rambling with long draw out sentences. I often repeat myself & talk in circles when I get like this. Oh, did I tell you that I got less than a hour last night too?

I'm trying to resist the urge to write a email to a friend of mine. I have a bad - I mean really bad - habit of writing e-mails when I'm exhausted &/or emotional. It's such a bad combination for me. Although I do try to live life with out regret, sometimes I regret doing things when I am in a state like this. It's as bad as if I were drunk. Can you just imagine?

So tired that if I actually tried to walk, assuming that I walked like I used to & wasn't stuck in this stupid chair, I would fall over. You know, I actually had some dumb guys say to me a few weeks ago how fun it must be to ride around in a chair all day. Are you freaking kidding me? Now, these guys were like early 20s. Old enough to know better. Oh, I'm sorry... What's that you say? Common sense & tact doesn't come with age? Go figure.

I guess it would be fun for them. They can get up & out of it whenever they want. If they can't reach the food in the refrigerator or the dishes in the cabinet & they have to use a reacher that is not only always getting misplaced (yes, all 4 of them at once, at times) bc some adults can't tell some children that those are not toys or better yet, when grown adults use them to reach trash under beds that Pee Wee gets into bc someone can't take the 15 minutes it takes to make a holder for the trash cans in the house that would raise them not only out of Pee Wee's reach, but put it in better reach for me.

Or how about the friends & family's houses you can't get into bc you used to walk, but now need a chair & even when you can get into the door you better pray that you don't have to go to the bathroom bc it's up a flight of stairs, so you not only start worrying about it the day before, but also, have to restrict your fluids so you don't have to pee, which

A) causes a lot of commotion & trouble just trying to get to the toilet,

B) you must drag the portable commode in your van (don't forget the TP), so if you got to go, you can go in there,

C) you have to leave the party early to either call it a day & go home before you have to pee, or

D) leave the party find the nearest public toilet, then decide if you want to go through the hassel of getting back in to the party!

When, in reality, all you simply want to do is spend time with your love ones & take some damn pictures. Oh, but wait, what's that you say? You didn't even get invited to that party bc someone assumed that you couldn't find someway in or some way around those steps to get access to the party or the bathroom, so they just took upon themselves to rudely exclude you rather than invite you anyway & let you decide what you can & can't do & if the hassle is worth it.

Yes, sir! It is so fun being in this chair. Bc why wouldn't it be? Then you just wouldn't have to use the two good healthy legs that God gave you. You could zoom around all day long have races with your other wheelchair buddies bc, you know, that's what I do with my time. When I'm not sitting in some field trying to watch my nephews play soccer, and go it move, but... wait, call your friend over (you know the strong one, who uses his God given legs) bc your stuck in the mud bc the ground is soft from it raining 3 days before - & normally if you were walking you wouldn't notice, but the longer you sit in one spot, the deeper the chair sinks bc of the weight.

So keep looking. Seriously, take a good long look at what fun this chair is. Go ahead. Look. And while you're at it, take your freedom for granted. Bc, well... you know... there's nothing better to do.

A Storm's A Brewing

It's almost 2 AM & I can't sleep. I am in a lot pain. If my body is any indication, there is a storm heading our way.

So much pain that I'm not in my chair or on my computer while writing this, but instead in my bed & on my phone. Something I don't often I assure you.

Beside me Jake has been sleeping for hours. That man literally falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Having had problems sleeping most of my life, it is no secret that I envy him for just that alone.

I hate nights like this bc my mind is always thinking of things. There is no off switch. I have always been a worrier. Sometimes, I truly hate it... who in their right mind would actually likes to worry?

I am exhausted. So, I think I'll try & lay here & pray that I drift off soon.

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

Taking Hold

I am exhausted. It's a good exhausted though. My weekend was full of friends & family, & I wouldn't have it any other way. It was a non-stop celebration (birthdays, holiday gatherings, ect..).

Yesterday, after rushing to mom's so we could watch the Raven's game - I couldn't help it we are in the playoffs (we won by the way!) - while helping her bake cookies & other yummy food for dinner. My cousin, John & his family came over, as they do every year around this time.

I loved seeing them & wish that I could do it more during the year. I don't know what it is, but I just want to grab on to the family & friends that I have left & take hold. Time goes on, people grow up, life (& death) happens... way too fast in my opinion.

It might be bc 2009 was such a difficult year with all the losses I encountered, but I think it's more... I've had losses before - many, many, many of them - in a short period of time. This is something more. Something I just can't put my finger on.

Something unsettling. Something urgent.

I wish I could shake it, but I can't. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing exactly, only that it's difficult to identify & it seems to not be going away anytime soon. For whatever reason I have a feeling that it is not for me to know the answers.

So, again, as numerous times in the past, I wait. Taking in the world around me - grabbing hold tight. Knowing that I'm just along for the ride.

Before Tomorrow Comes

Thank God for Facebook. Seriously. Can I get an Amen? {:)

Every once in a while something will happen to make my day, week, even my whole month & just have me beaming from ear-to-ear.

Last night, I reconnected with a friend of mine that I had lost touch with long ago. Nine years have gone by since I saw or heard from her - we both had just lost each other's info, as happens sometime - all too often in fact.

I had searched for her many times, but could never find her. Imagine my surprise & delight when I logged on & saw a friend request waiting from her. She had only signed up on FB the day before.

We spent hours talking on the phone until after 3 AM. I can't wait to see her (& her daughter, who was as a infant last time I held her & is now 9 - 9!) but I know that will have to wait since they live in another state.

Sometimes, I just stand in awe at how things take place. To come back again, after so much time has passed, after people change & life happens. It is so nice to reconnect with someone whom often was thought about & you just want to say "Hey, remember that little thing you did for me way back then? Well, thanks bc it meant so much!"

Just imagine how different life would be if everyone took time right now to say to everyone just what they mean in there life today, before tomorrow comes. Bc in the end, it's the family, friendship &, most importantly the love that matters & tomorrow is promised to no one.