I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest. In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:
"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
~ Psalm 4:8
I hate the nights the most.
Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.
Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'
All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now... Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me. It is many things.
I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.
I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming. I just don't know when. It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God... God is good & He makes beautiful things. He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.
He has great plans for me. Greater plans than what I think my life should be. He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration. Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts? I truly cannot answer that.
I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me.
So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest. Praying for understanding, peace & clarity. Just knowing, trusting that my life is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.