Sunday, August 29, 2010

Saying Sundays: Inexpressible

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.

~Arthur Schopenhauer

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010


By the time this post goes live tomorrow, I will be getting ready to leave & go to Aunt Elaine's funeral. Just a very short 7 days ago, I buried Dad last Wednesday too.

I am exhausted & questioning a lot. Sometimes I just think that this cannot be real & I'll wake up any second. I'm in automatic mode that is for sure. Everything around me seems to be in slow motion, yet moving so incredibly way too fast.

I don't want to be around people, but yet, I don't want to be alone either. I want to push people away, but yet, I want to hold them close & am terrified of them leaving me. I am a rolling contradiction.

I am hurting so much & so deep that I don't even know if words exist to express how I feel. If I do ever find the words though, you'll be the first to know.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.
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Rest In Peace, Aunt Elaine

Aunt Elaine 2003
Aunt Elaine (1946-2010)
Picture Taken 12.27.2003
Today my mom's best friend of over 40 years, who I affectionately called Aunt Elaine, passed away this morning at 9:11 AM.

Still numb from losing dad merely 9 very short days ago, I truly cannot speak & am at a lost for words. I pray that I find the words soon.
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Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dad: Eight Days

Dear Dad,

It's been eight days since you left us & I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that you are gone.

It seems like something is terribly a miss, but I just can't think of what is out of place. Then like a nightmare, my stomach drops & I have to remind myself that you have passed away.

I keep waiting for my phone to ring & I so desperately want to hear your voice telling me something you want from the store or how you are doing playing The West. You so loved that game & were always so much more into it than I ever was, even though I am the one who got you into it in the first place.

I still have not cried, which is super strange for me. I know you always told me not to cry for you when die, but I know this isn't what you meant. Okay, so there have been a tear or two, but nothing to the extent that I so desperately need.

I just pray that when it finally happens that God makes sure I have the perfect people around me. He's done a great job so far making sure that I have just the right love & support, so I can't see why things would be different then.

The support & love others have shown me have been so amazing. In fact, it has been difficult to put into words, so for now, I won't try.

I am worried about everything, wondering if I'm doing things right or how you would have wanted them. I am still mad that you didn't put anything in writing like I begged you to. Since you didn't, I hope I am doing a decent job or partly anyway.

I am still so very numb & I am not looking forward to anything that is to follow...

Can this be for real?

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Sunday, August 15, 2010

Saying Sundays: A Great Man

A great man is one who leaves others at a loss after he is gone.

~Paul Valery

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Saturday, August 14, 2010


I would say that as I awoke this morning, this is the song that was playing as my alarm went off, which is all true - except the part of sleeping or waking up, as I should say.

Yes, losing my Dad yesterday is defiantly turning my world around & upside down.

Yes, in deed, I am aware now. And I am so thankful for the love of both my Fathers, in ways that you just cannot imagine.

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Update : Dad

Hello everyone, it's Stacey. I am posting for Shannon today as she really can't be here right now. She did ask me to post an entry, especially for those who have been following, thinking and praying for her father. At 10:11am this morning, her Dad, Rodney passed away. He was 65 years old. He had been fighting a significant infection and awaiting surgery. I would like to ask you to please pray for Shannon, her family and her father in this very difficult time. The loss of a parent is tough to bear and she will need the strength and support of those of us who care about her.
Most faithful God, lively is the courage of those who hope in You. Your servant Rodney suffered greatly, but placed his trust in Your mercy. Confident that the petition of those who mourn pierces the clouds and finds an answer, we beg You, give rest to Rodney. Do not remember his sins, but look upon his sufferings and grant him refreshment, light, and peace. Amen.

Rodney Lea Brown (1945-2010)

"We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord."
2 Corinthians 5:8

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

In The Woods

Dear Friends,

Even though I am tired beyond belief, I wanted to take time & write you an update. Yesterday, Dad got transferred to JHH. This move was much faster than expected, but I learned that they want to operate on him tomorrow, if everything aligns in the universe right. If for some reason they can't do it tomorrow, Monday is a must.

Even though he is sicker than he has ever been, they want to remove his defibrillator unit as fast as possible to remove the original source of the infection. We are hoping that it is just the unit that is infected & not his heart, but seeing that the infection has spread to his bloodstream, they are doubtful.

Sometime during the night his defibrillator fired 9 times, so they quickly moved him to the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) & put him on more meds to help his heart stay out of the pesky VT rhythms that is causing the defibrillator to go off.

The doctors have been very honest to both my dad & me, if he survives the surgery, the recovery will be long & difficult. It will be quite awhile before anybody can safely say his is out of the woods.

I'm holding up okay. Although I am exhausted & at times, frustrated & scared. For the majority of the time though - at least while I'm at the hospital - I am good, pulling strength from places even I didn't know existed.

I am so very thankful for your well wishes, prayers & encouragement through phone calls, e-mails. text, & even comments on my blog. They mean more than you will ever know.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Praying For Dad

Dear Friends,

I wanted to write you to touch base with you & let you know what is going on with my family. My dad, whose name is Rodney, is very sick. For weeks now, he has been fighting an infection at his pacemaker/defibrillator site that they have been trying to treat with antibiotics, in the hopes that they could prevent a very serious & dangerous surgery that may end his life or cause him to need emergency open heart surgery or, quite possibly both.

All attempts to prevent the surgery have failed & he was told today that the surgery is a must.

However, right now, he is too sick for them to attempt the operation. Yesterday, he was rushed to the hospital, after being weak & very sick for days. He has a massive staph infection throughout his body caused by the initial infection they have been trying to battle. His blood pressure is extremely low. His liver & kidneys are malfunctioning. In addition, his blood is super thin & they are trying to thicken it so that when he is more stable, they can transport him to JHH for the operation.

I would be very thankful if you would keep my dad & my family in your thoughts & prayers.

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Monday, August 9, 2010

Update: Only Moments

If you have been following my blog, you may have read this a couple of days ago. Here is an update:

Finally, after days of being sick & not being able to get out of bed, we finally were able to get Dad to go to the hospital. I really don't know any details, just that he is there, which has to be a good thing bc he he has really had small amounts of liquid & food for days.

As for Aunt Elaine, she is home from the hospital & is resting comfortably. This is great news & I hope to get the chance to see her soon.

Thanks for all the prayers. I really appreciate them. More than you know.

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Sunday, August 8, 2010

Saying Sundays: Time

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back."

~Harvey MacKay

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Friday, August 6, 2010

Only Moments

Only moments ago, I found out that Aunt Elaine, who has been battling cancer, has been rushed to the hospital. I don't know the details, only that it is serious.

I have been wanting to write about her, & about what she means to me - to put it mildly, she means the world, but I've been at a loss for words, just trying to sort through things myself.

Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to share with you who she is, what she has meant to me, & the moments - & laughs, lots of them, that we share together.

For this moment though, I will pray. Won't you do the same?

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Stream of Consciousness: In the Midst

I want to run. Hide. Get away from it all.

Right now, there is so much great stuff going on, but so much not great stuff going on too. There is a huge pressure on me right now. I can't breathe or stand it another second.

I can feel myself pulling away & somehow, even though I don't want to & know I shouldn't, it feels like that is my only solution. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to trust you. Or anyone for that matter.

I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being hurt. Tired of things not working out. Tired of having to take & put up with other people's crap. And it's all crap. I must have a sign on me that says "Dump on me!" Don't you see it? It's there, it's got to be.

I want you to care. Why is it, that I feel so alone? I try to tell you how I feel & you yell at me. You are supposed to be my safe place to fall. I don't even think I know what it feels like to have one, really.

I should be used to this, right? You think after everything I would be. Wrong. You are oh-so-wrong. My dad is sick. My mom is sick. My Aunt is sick. I am sick.

All I want is to get away for two days. Get my head clear. Gain a little perspective. It should be easy, right? Wrong again. So very difficult to do if you have this wheelchair connected to you 24/7. No one gets it. Not even you.

So, I'll run. Till I find what I'm looking for & even I don't know what that is or where to look . I just know it's not here. In the midst of it all.

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I am all over the place lately, which is neither a good nor bad thing - just exhausting.

Problem is just like I'm all over the place, so is my head. Calming my body is one thing, calming my mind is a total different ball game. It is always easier said than done. Always.

I can't stop thinking about family & friends, both here & gone, that I miss. In fact, for whatever reason, huge tears cascade down my face as I'm writing this. And I'm not even sure I can tell you why.

I am so on overload.

I had a great weekend spending time with family & friends, some which I have not seen since our wedding 5 years & others even longer. It was amazing actually.

As crazy as it may seem, I miss the family I used to have. And I so desperately miss the family that I want to have, if that's even possible. That is the only want I know how to put it, & even that doesn't fit well.

In a couple of hours one of my best friends, Beth, is coming over & then all 4 of us, including Beth's husband, Will & Jake will meet for dinner. This is just what I need. Sometime with friends who we haven't see since the end of June, which has been way too long in my opinion.

So, hopefully, by tomorrow, I'll feel a little better. Not so overloaded. And more able to focus. One thing is for sure though - even now, I know I am loved & care for by people in my life, no matter how much I miss them.

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Monday, August 2, 2010

Update: On Dad

Here's the long a waited update on Dad. He went to see several doctors. His regular heart Dr., who I'll call Dr. R, has a long history with my family. He was my Granddad's Dr. & has been my dad's Dr. for many years. It goes without saying that my family has a long history with him.

The second Dr. is the Heart Dr. at JHH who has operated on dad's heart for the past 2 years years. I will call him Dr. H.

First, Dad had to see Dr. H, for a follow up after he was finished all antibiotics he was given. His chest was still a little swollen & red, but the Dr., who is hoping not to operate on dad's heart bc he has see his heart up close & personal & knows how risky this operation will be for him, said he wants to see him in a couple of weeks.

A couple of days after this visit, Dad told me his chest was more swollen & red. When I tried to get him to call the doctor - any heart doctor, either Dr. R. or Dr. H., Dad refused & said in a couple of days he had a appointment with Dr. R..

When he went to that appointment, Dr. R. said he wants Dad to make an appointment with Dr. H. again. When I asked dad about it, he said he wanted to wait a while, a few weeks & see what happens. Much to my protest, believe me.

That was last week.

Within, 24 hrs. Dad has been hit with his defibrillator twice, the last time less than two hrs ago. I just don't know anymore. And I'm completely frustrated. Beyond belief.

I fear my dad has given up on life. I know he is tired. I know he thinks has a burden & a bother. He's not. He is my dad. And I love him.

Please pray.

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Saying Sundays: Developing Courage

“You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

~ Epicurus
Greek philosopher,
BC 341-270
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