His Gift

I am trying to decompress.

Yesterday was rough. Very tough.

Dad is okay for now. His nearly 10 hour VT ablation, is over. He was the first one to go back for the day & the last one to go to recovery. Not wanting to lie, there were complications - the kind of complications & close calls that no one ever wants to hear.

Bc of the complications & the sheer stress placed on his heart, the doctors decided that they would not change his defibrillator. That would just have to wait for another day, hopefully in as little as a week or so. There is also talk of placing a different type of defibrillator in, one that would be better suited for dad's needs.

Even though he is still in the hospital right now, there is talk of releasing him tonight, which just seems crazy to me given all that has happened. Although I'm not certain, I am wondering if they are going to release him bc they know that there are plans for his return in very near future. And if there is no sign of trouble after they observe him, maybe it's okay, right? I wish I could be certain. The only thing that is for certain for now is that my dad & those who love him, have been given a gift.

Yesterday, hours before I was to leave for the hospital, I was unable to sleep. I had called it an early night & was startled awake by Pee Wee when he jumped of the bed. I had tried everything to go to sleep. At the time, I had only been asleep for almost two & a half hours.

I ended up calling Rachel & hung up when the alarm clock sounded that was intended to wake me. Conversations & phone calls like that are not strangers to either of us. I told her I was not worried about my dad. I did have some anxiety & concern, but I was not worried.

At some point in our conversation I said to her, "Regardless of the outcome, my Dad will be okay." I wasn't just saying that. I meant it. I mean it. I mean regardless. I can't explain things to where most people can understand. Does that mean I want him to die & if he does die, I won't be devastated - no, not at all. He is my father. He is my dad. No one in their right mind would willingly want that.

What that statement means is that perhaps more than ever, I realize that things in this universe is so much bigger than me. This isn't new. It always has been.

I was alone at the hospital for hours. For the majority of the day, there was calmness & certainty I felt. Even through knowledge of the complications. However, as the day went on, & hours ticked away, I became a little more frantic & frazzled.

And pissed. Yes, I was pissed. And even though I was angry, I was more hurt than anything. It wasn't the fact that I was at the hospital alone, by myself for the entire day... I knew Jake had to work. I was & still am perfectly fine with that.

What I'm not okay with - what doesn't sit right with me - is that he did not call, not even once, to see how I was, to see what was happening or for an update. And not only that, but when I called him to give him an update, he started ranting & raving about this & that pertaining to his day at work.

{Ummmm, Honey? I know I'm your go-to person. I know you got a lot going on. Your day is not going so great for you, but now... right now, I can't do this. I can't have you answer the phone & the very first words out of your mouth is a rant. Not, how are things going? Not how's your dad? Not how are you? What ever you need me to be, I can't. Not now. Really, it's not all about you.}

I have concluded - even through my anger & being hurt by his actions - that they're are just some things that he doesn't get. There are just things that he just can't do. Why? Bc much like I wrote about here, Jake just can't give me what he doesn't have. He just can't do better, bc he doesn't know better. He does stupid things sometimes, but so do I. Jake is human.

Still, as alone as I was, I wasn't. I had friends, phone calls, & text messages. And those calls & messages served a great purpose. In fact, I had one friend who just blew me out of the water with her words & support, but that is truly a story for another day.

Today, I am just so thankful. Filled with gratefulness. Appreciation. And in awe at the love, grace, mercy & embrace that God has chosen to gift to me.

100

100 things about me for the 100th post (in total randomness):

1. I cannot believe this is my 100th post!

2. I can talk to anybody & often do, even if they are a total stranger.

3. I have a great memory.

4. Over a year ago, maybe even two by now -I was in Coldstone Creamery & said to a lady in line, "Hey, I know you. Your name is Carrie & we went to elementary school together." I was right & it had been over 25 years since I saw her.

5. I hate green beans & will only eat them on very rare occasion. This is bc my mom had them all the time when I was a a kid & used to make me eat them.

6. I love reading & often use it to escape.

7. I just finished a novel called The Lightning Thief. It is the first book in a series. It's a lot like Harry Potter, but it encompasses Greek mythology, instead of Magic. I know it's deemed as a kid's book, but I could not put it down. I read it in a day and a half. The movie of this book is coming out Presidents Day 2010.

8. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know when that is.

9. I am grateful that I like to (sometimes) read books that aren't really for adults. Sometimes, I just need a break from my very adult life.

10. My eyes are green.

11. I'm in love with people's eyes. They can tell you so much.

12. Sometimes I wish I had a sister.

13. I'm fat & I'm okay with that. Why aren't you?

14. I haven't had a hair cut since September of 2008, which is unheard of for me.

15. I need to update my profile picture, but haven't found a replacement picture for it (Note: Since this post is taking me forever to write I have found a new picture. What do ya think?).

16. I've been slowly withdrawing from my friends, & I'm not sure why.

17. I hate Barney.

18. I love Jesse, really I do. Lately, I've been wondering why he wasn't so damn LOUD in the store? What the hell was I thinking?

19. I am not a girly girl.

20. My favorite color is Purple. Although it has changed throughout the years. I also love Periwinkle, which was the color of my wedding. Periwinkle is also my mom's favorite color.

21. I have a scar in my back from when I was a kid & visiting my Mom Mum in VA & tried to climb a fence... Somebody really forgot to tell me I have CP. {:)

22. There are somethings I wish I could do over about my wedding.

23. Hell, there are things I wish I could do over. Period.

24. I hate hospitals.

25. I will however go to the hospital if it means seeing or spending time with someone I love. Even if it is to say goodbye.

26. I hate goodbyes.

26. I miss Mandy. More than anyone realizes.

27. I really was a "Poster Child." One day, I'll tell you about it. Maybe.

28. As a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. When I told my mom this (I think I was 3 or 4), she started to cry. I then asked, "Can I at least be an ice skater?"

29. The longest friendship I have is with Thea. We met when we were 2. Although I have to say there were years that we were apart in between there.

30. I met Jake in 1995. We were best friends. I liked him back then. He had no clue.

31. I asked him out on March of 2003. He tells me if I didn't ask him, he would have never asked me. Nice, Huh? {:)

32. I have loved Bonjovi since I was in the 5th grade. I will always love him.

33. I wasn't always the best picture taker. I got better over the years.

34. Even though I try to live my life with no regrets, I have many.

35. I wish I was disciplined enough to read the Bible from cover to cover.

36. Mathew 7:13-14 used to be my favorite passage. Now it's James 1:2-4, which is at the top of this blog.

37. My faith is more personal than my religion. And I think that's the way it should be.

38. I miss the churches I went to as a child, but they just don't fit with who I am now.

39. I am allergic to pork. I wasn't always. I miss bacon.

40. I was hospitalized once bc of it. Not fun.

41. Pork is in more things than you realize. Like gelatin (unless it's marked kosher). Gelatin is in every thing from dips to marshmallows. I miss s'mores.

42. I have a secret love affair with cheese.

43. One of my favorite cheeses is Brie. Brie taste different cold than it does warmed up, which is my favorite way to eat it.

44. While I do not hate it, American cheese is my least favorite. Now, Swiss on the other hand - I do not care for at all.

45. My father wanted to name me Nora Jean. I am so very thankful for my mother intervening.

46. I have had the names of my children picked out since I was little. They have not changed. People who know that often ask, "What about Jake, doesn't he get a say? To which I reply, "They get his last name." However, Jake tells me that he likes the names anyway. Maybe one day I'll get to share them with you. {:)

47. I have a beta fish that sits on my desk. His name is Aka, which is the word "red" in Japanese.

48. Pee Wee thinks he is a great mouse hunter. He's not... Most of the time.

49. The older I get, the less I want to deal with people. Really, life is not all about you.

50. If we were to get technical, life is all about Him. Then again, that is my option. It does not have to be yours.

51. I have friends & family with different beliefs than me. Some are even atheist. It's okay. I am still their friend & love them regardless. Always.

52. I have a friend that was murdered in 2003. I often wonder if they ever caught the person(s) who killed him.

53. I have a brother in Heaven. His name is Brent.

54. My brother Damon has paranoid Schizophrenia. I love him dearly & I visit him often. He can't help the way he is anymore then I can help having CP. A disability is a disability. One day, I will tell you about him.

55. We have 2 mixed Cds I made of some of my favorite Christian music. That's all we listen too anymore.

56. My favorite time is when we are going to church & we are jamming out to those CDs. I spend a lot of time talking to God then.

57. I'm a night owl.

58. I wonder if this will change if we have children. I think it will for a while, but I will always be a night owl.

59. I know that if I didn't have Pee Wee, I would go insane. I am so glad I have him - even if he is "just a dog." (Note: I don't say that bc to me his not, but to others that's what he is.)

60. I will listen to just about any kind of music, except for rap. I just will never be into it.

61. I know a lot of sign language. I learned it years ago, before I ever dated Jake. Who knew that my future brother-in-law & his wife would both be deaf? God's funny like that.

62. I often wonder why sign language isn't considered to be another language like Spanish & French.

63. I used to go to a camp called Camp Greentop for Disabled children & adults. The last summer I attended was 2003. It is an awesome camp & I would highly recommend it. Some of the greatest people that I know on earth, I met from there.

64. Sometimes I toy with the idea of going back to camp, but I think I am just in a different place in my life now. Plus, now with all the budget cuts, there is no way I could swing it money wise.

65. I do not like dead things, such as dead fish, dead hermit crabs, dead mice. I know it happens... I just don't like seeing it. It creeps me out.

66. I miss Jakes maternal grand father. He died in July of 2005 We called him Grandpop. He lived here with Jake & his dad (& me when I moved in). He never left this house. Seriously - for eight years, except to go to his daughter's funeral in April of 2000.

67. I never knew Jake's mom. I saw her once when I was at college & Jake never introduced us though. I always have wished I knew her. And I always wished she was here now. I would have really loved her & in some strange way - I do.

68. I could spend hours in Barnes & Noble.

69. I miss walking.

70. We just found out tonight that our GPS was stolen from our car. The charger is gone, the mount & the unit, but they left the bag we stored it in. We can't believe nothing else was stolen. Jake said he must have left the door unlocked & not knew it while he was at his job (apparently, the lock is acting up). I am glad that they didn't take the nice bag we stored it in bc Mandy gave that to us for Christmas 2008. Three months after Christmas, she died. I would have been heartbroken, if they had taken it.

71. Even though we go to church every Sunday, sometimes, I miss it during the week. I miss the connection with people & the hugs. They are the only hugs I get all week.

72. I am an extrovert. Very outgoing. Often loud. Most of the time I don't mean to be. And if I'm nervous, I get loud without realizing it.

73. When I'm upset, I get quiet. When I got a lot going on, I withdraw.

74. Jake used to be my safe place to fall. He's not anymore. I don't have one. I miss him being it.

75. People are so used to me telling them that it will be okay. Sometimes, I need to hear that too.

76. I love water. I drink about 4-5 liters of it a day sometimes more.

77. I love swimming & can do great things in it - like handstands. Go figure.

78. When I was a a 6 year old child at Camp Greentop, they put HUGE blocks of ice in the pool & called it a Polar Bear swim. I was not amused. And said, "What are you insane? Don't you know kids with CP freeze up (as in their muscles tense, it's hard to move & quite pain full - at least for me) when they are cold!" And for those who know me in real life - yes, in many ways, I was the same at 6 as I am now.

79. I love crafts.

80. One of my good friends, Regine & I met at oil painting class at the local senior center. We were 8.

81. I used to be terrified of dogs. I got bit by one when I was a kid.

82. I am grateful I do not have that fear anymore. And so is Pee Wee.

83. Even though I've done it 3 times, I am afraid to fly.

84. I love to work with kids.

85. Tonight, I gave Pee Wee a new treat. It is a dried, smoked cow's nose... ewwww! It is bigger than his head. He has been chewing on it for 2 hrs now. It is supposed to be great for cleaning his teeth. And when he first saw it, he just looked at it & sniffed it, gave a little lick & looked at it again, then looked at me as if to say, "Thanks, Mom! But how do I eat this thing?"



86. I've love Rosie O'Donnell & have met her. Twice. She even sent me tickets to her show once. I know some people do not like her. She has radical views & is outspoken. I don't care. To me, she is just a very real person who has a huge heart & is passionate. It makes me love her even more.

89. I love to sing & I used to be in Gifted & Talented choir in high school.

90. I used to be on Tech Crew too. I loved it. In fact, my Sr. year I was the Tech Director. I even used to climb the spiral stair case to the spot room. That made some people nervous & they didn't want me to do it. I didn't care. I did it anyway. A lot. In some strange way it made me feel normal - as in those with out CP - like the other kids & I loved it.

91. I am very stubborn.

92. I miss my Mom's mom. A lot. She died when I was 9.

93. When I was in third grade & at a new school, someone said that I stole some chalk. I did not. Ms. Chashen believed them. I got in trouble. I wonder who stole that chalk?

94. There is nothing that I tell people about Jake that I have not told him or would tell them in front of him. This is sometimes hard for people to understand. He's my husband. I am who I am. I will not hid how I feel or what I think from him. Good or bad.

95. My favorite season is Spring.

96. My Birthday is July 23rd. I share that birthday with my friend Thea, my niece Corrinne, my friend Travis, & several other people whom I have met, know & love.

97. Sometimes, even though I didn't have the greatest relationship historically, I miss living with my mom. For those of you who know the whole history, I know this statement is totally crazy. And to that I say, she is my mom & I love her deeply.

98. My favorite word is onomatopoeia.

99. Jake has never read this blog. He knows it exists. I've told him where to find it. I have even told him to read it. He never has. Sometimes, I wish he did. He says he'll read it when I post this post. And to tell you people out there in Blogland that he will. I don't think he will read it on his own, without prompting. We will see.

100. It has taken me 9 days to write this post & it's really hard to come up with 100 things to say at random - even if it is facts & thoughts about my life. This post will actually go live 11 days after I started it, which will be 8 days short of a year since I started this blog. It is one of the best things I could have ever done.

Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Wordless Wednesday: Sweet Dreams

May 1, 2008

Focus

December 30, 2008, 11 Months Old

This is Corrie. She is my friend Ansley's daughter. She turned 2 on Thursday. And yes, Corrie & Lisa were born only a day apart!

I am so excited to go to her party today! And even more excited to spend time with her, her parents & brother.

So, there is no long blog post for today. As my focus is turned to something better: spending time with those whom I love.

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

One Day, Two Parties!

My day was packed full of family & friends. Love & gratitude was over flowing.

I went to Christian's first birthday party today*. I am so smitten by him it's not funny. That boy just gets more beautiful every time I see him. I am so happy that his mother is still a part of my life & she has given me the opportunity to love her family.

After I left Stacey, I went to mom's annual Girl Gathering*. Where great homemade food is raved about, good conversations are had by all, some gifts are exchanged, among lots of laughs, especially if Aunt Elaine & I have something to do with it (we can just look at each other & without a word erupt in laughter). And after church tomorrow, it's back to mom's for more family fun.

* Pictures soon, I promise.

I don't know what it is, but I've been thinking a lot. Pondering many different things & trying to sort it all in my head. I find myself asking if tomorrow comes, will this person know how much I love them. I supposed this is bc I've been thinking & missing Mandy non-stop. Life is too short to not appreciate a love one now.

In addition, I'm trying to work through some personal things that I am just not ready to share at the moment. So much for blogging boldly. {:) Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'm still trying to figure things out in my head, before I pound it out here. And even though I've been blogging a couple months short of a year, I go back & forth sometimes about how much I want to share - a dilemma that I am sure all bloggers have at some point.

I also think I'm going to start something called "Saying Sunday". I have a strong desire to blog more then I have in the past & I'm finding that I really like that on Wordless Wednesdays bc they are a short picture post & don't require much time at all. Traditionally, I like to keep my Sundays focused on God & family, so I don't really desire to blog then. So, starting tomorrow, I will post a quote that I like or that has special meaning.

Speaking of tomorrow, church is early & sleep is calling.

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

All That Matters

Things have been nothing short of crazy; however, every once in a while - when I'm able to breathe again - I can see things differently.

God is amazing. He designed us to be complex, ever-changing beings, who have the ability to think for ourselves & love one another deeply, as long as we give ourselves permission to do so. That's the beautiful thing about free will, we are never forced to really do anything. It has always been a choice - our choice.

Remember this? Well, with hesitation & readiness, I took the plunge & went to my first session. It turned out well, & left me much to think about & reflect on. Was it scary & difficult, undoubtedly. The thing is that God made sure that I had the perfect person to go on this journey with me, which I believe is a true blessing & not an accident at all.

I see things differently now & I am surprised at how quickly I am able to see things that I've never saw before. This is just the beginning for me & I am positive that I'm on a journey of healing that I will continue on for the rest of my life.

Upon reflection, the song "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl is very fitting. Give it a listen (but first scroll to the bottom of this page & pause the other music). No, really. It will only take a minute - well, 4 minutes & 25 seconds to be exact, but listen anyway. Seriously.



I do, no doubt, have a purpose in not only my life, but in this world. I don't need to know what that purpose is, only that there is one. And I am loved. Even when I don't think I deserve to be. No matter what has happened or will happen, God loves me - even if I am imperfectly broken. And in the end, that's all that truly matters.

Love Transcends

Dear Mandy,

Today, would have been your 33rd birthday. It is very beautiful here. The sun is shining, the sky is oh-so-blue. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was Spring, instead of the cold, rainy Fall we've been having.

I don't know what it is like in Heaven, but I can imagine a beauty that well surpasses the one here on earth. Knowing how important birthday celebrations were to you, I hope you're having a HUGE party with your loved ones up there to celebrate your first birthday in Heaven.

Thank you for all the butterflies you have been sending me. I know they are from you, bc what happens with them never happened before you died. And it's not like I go looking for them. They just show up & often times circle my head at the times when I miss you the most.

I miss you so much it literally hurts at times. I can't wait till we are together again one day, but I know my work is just not finished yet. So will you "Save a Place For Me"? And until then keep watch over all of us?

I find it amazing how your love is so strong it transcends time & place. I feel it all the time. I love you too.

Forever & Always,

Dear God

Dear God,

I am so unworthy of your perfect love. Help me remember that I am perfect just as you have made me & everything happens in your time. Help me be more patient. I want to shut out this world & focus on you & only you. For you are the only one who truly matters.

Help me get connected & stay connected - to you and others who you placed in my life. Thank you for putting friends & the perfect people in my life at the perfect time. Help me trust them. And trust that all things work for good.

I choose you. I want to feel you - always; not only in good times, but in bad. I know that you are ALWAYS with me no matter what I face. I cannot do this without you. I need you and only you.

Love Always, Your Child,

Finding What Was Lost

The funny thing about loss is no matter how many times it occurs in my life, I never get used to it. There is nothing like loosing someone I deeply love and care about to make me reevaluate my life and look at life with fresh eyes, often more clearly than before.

The sad part is that in order to see things clearly, I must experience pain a deep - life altering way; in such a way that I never see things the same way again. Ever.

Time ticks on slowly and seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to night then back to days again. I miss many people...

Lynne my cousin who died of cancer in January of 2008 and Pete, a dear friend of nearly 20 years, who died as result of a heart attack January 5, 2009 mostly. I find myself missing them in different ways at different times, yet it really does not seem that different at all when I think about it. Because when all is stripped away, I still feel the same.

Seems that some people don't like the changes I've made in my life recently. I am more to myself, not spending hours on the computer or phone. I am centered on God, myself and my family - just as it should be. I am no longer putting others first if they are not on that list.

I'm not saying others are not on the list, just that they don't come first. This is a change is one that I needed to make for a long time and looking back, I should have made it a long time ago. I guess you can say it was through loss that I gained - gained deeper understanding, deeper love, deeper meaning in life.

It's as if through loss I have found it... found a better me. The me I was supposed to be all along.

The Begining of Forever

I am so undoubtedly in love with my husband. I really am.

I have known Jake since 1995, we met at community college. He was one of my best guy friends. We did a lot together - running Disabled Students Association together, both being extremely active on all the clubs on campus, going on leadership retreats etc... I was so smitten by him then it was insane, enough to drive a person crazy if she let it.

He had no clue. The only that knew the total truth was my best friend, Thea. One day, well - several days actually -I confessed my love for him and told her one day I would marry him. Not wanting to risk the great friendship we had, I stayed silent and he remained clueless.

Then in 1999, I graduated and moved on to a University to pursue my next degree. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I had, I might not have the degrees I do now.

See, the college I was at was, to say the least, warm and fuzzy, but it was on the brink of changing - combining with two other area community colleges to become one college that had many campuses. I had numerous meaningful relationships from there and I feared that if I didn't make a clean break, I would never be able to leave. So I left, leaving everything and everyone behind.

Years later, in 2003, I became a student recruiter for my university and had returned to the very college I had run from four years before. To my surprise (and delight), Jake was still there, so we chatted and I mentioned we should get together. We had exchanged numbers, and I didn't bother to tell him that I still had his number in my address book at home.

Over the next couple of weeks we talked a lot on the phone, which I find ironic now because Jake HATES talking on the phone. We would talk for hours, even falling asleep on each other many nights.

Finally, we went out on March 16, 2003, the day before St. Patrick's Day. We went to see the movie "Bringing Down the House" staring Queen Latifa and Steve Martin at The Avenue. Afterwards we ate dinner at Red Brick Station then went to look around and chat at Barnes and Noble.

I was so giddy. I so loved his eyes. He has a funny thing he does with eyes and eyebrows, some would call it a quirk. I have always loved that about him. Of course, I have always been an eye person, ever since I can remember. And I truly believe, as cliche as it is, that the eyes are the windows of the soul.

Sometime during the evening, I had decided to risk it all. What did I have to lose? Nothing. So right there, in the Barnes and Noble Cafe, I asked him out. He said yes. We kissed and i told him. "I've waited eight years for that kiss." That was the beginning of forever.

You know what's funny about all of this? On one of our phone conversation before that night, I remember telling him that it was strange that over the last few weeks four guys had asked me out and I had turned them all down.

I know what you are thinking, I turned them down because I wanted to be with Jake. Wrong. You couldn't be more wrong. Strangely enough, this occurred in the weeks prior of reconnecting with him. I turned them all down because I didn't fore see my relationship or friendship with them turning into something more. And I so desperately wanted more.

For once, I was happy in my life, content where I was knowing that I was where I was supposed to be. Months prior, I had had enough. Enough of everything. Feeling like I wasn't enough, depressed because I was alone, disconnected from life, being distant from friends, and just hating life. Enough was enough, finally. Coming to that point was difficult but very needed. That's where faith came in.

My faith has been interesting to say the least. There have been many battles throughout my years with God. I love Him so much, yet there were many times when I hated Him. Believe it or not, it is during these times of hatred, discontent and questioning that my faith grew the most. I am a firm believer that prayer does not change God, it changes you. So I did what I had always done, prayed. This time was different though. I surrendered.

"Okay God. You know me, and you know what is best for me. You know and see the ultimate plan for my life, and I know it differs from my plan. I know that You have someone for me to be with and I trust You. I trust that You will send him to me in Your time, not mine. You are one in control, so I am handing it to You. I surrender my all."

Jake is not perfect. Not anywhere near perfect. There are times when he is very much a boy in a man's body; however, I have heard that he's not the only husband with that problem. We fight and disagree, but in the end, we love each other. We have had our struggles, and yes, I wish that he would get would get his act together, for the sake of the family we want. I must say though - I am not perfect either nor have I ever claimed to be.

Relationships - all of them - take work from both parties, it's very difficult to salvage a relationship that is one sided. Believe me. I've have tried. Jake loves me no matter what I've been through, where I came from, no matter how sick I get, how much I weigh or what I look like. Here is the most important though - he loves me no matter how broken I feel. How broken I am. He loves me, for me.