Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Better Way

Lately, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about a lot of things & reflecting on things of the past.

Perhaps it is bc of all the things my family of origin (my dad, my mom, & brother) have been through lately, or maybe it's bc of stuff that my family (as in my marriage & unity with Jacob) has experienced through recent struggles.

Or maybe it's because I recently celebrated the one year birthday of the beginning of this blog. And as a result, I've been going back rereading things & I'm also trying to revamp a better more useful system for my blog labels & such, for no other purpose than to make it better suited for my needs. Or maybe in a little over two months or so, I realize that Mandy will be gone for a year already. A date that is rapidly approaching whether I want it to or not.

Right now, I'm questioning so much. Reflecting on everything. Noticing things that I have never noticed before, even though there were things that were clearly in my face at the time. The clearest example of this is right here on this very blog.

I wrote this on 3.30.09 when I first got word of Mandy being in the hospital, & the very next entry I wrote is on 5.1.2009 eight days after she died. Not one word, not even a keystroke during the month of April. Have I always done this? Withdrew in difficult times?

The things that I saw & experienced during that month, I still have difficulty putting into words. In a lot of ways it's still fresh, still raw, still - in many ways - so wrong. There are many things, I wish I would have done different, things I wish I would have said. Things I will always regret.

Somewhere along the way I learned to hold things in, push it away, keep it without words until it made sense to me or I just couldn't keep it in any longer, whichever came first. And let me be the first to say, I truly hate that I learned to do that. Why? Bc I truly believe there are certain things that shouldn't be kept silent.

We are only as sick as our secrets. Secrets have power in the darkness. The only thing that make them powerless is by exposing them & bringing them to light. This I know. However, this is not easy to do. And I must admit I've been struggling with a lot of things lately.

There is so much I want to say right now. So many thoughts & feelings that I want to process. So much that I want to confess. Just purge it. Bring it into the light. Give it less power. But as much as I want this, I just can't. I'm not ready. I'm not ready - as honest as I have found myself to be on this journey to my more authentic self - to confess certain things on this very public blog. A blog that anyone & everyone can read.

In these recent months, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Written entries late at night or not when I wanted to all together. Told people, in person & not, things that I never thought I would say. Exposed the secrets & lies on my quest for the truth.

A million thoughts are in my head. I want to run. Hide. Pull away. Be left alone. It's what I do. It's all I know. However, I also know better. I know there is a better way. I just need the courage to pursue it.
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