Stream of Consciousness: Still Praying

I'm thrilled to be blogging (on a regular basis) again.  I wonder what it will take to get to the point where I am blogging boldly again.

Jake is out of work again.  I know, on here, he never was employed after his layoff last August, but he was... I just never spoke about it publicly.  He had the most amazing job, which he loved.  Still praying that they find away to keep him.  He was in his sweet spot & I loved watching his passion emerge & for him to do what he was created to do. Still praying that something will come through. What?  I do not know.

There are a lot of things that I never speak about on here that I wish I could put words to... I just want the freedom to speak them out loud.  They are not secrets really, but they feel like they are. They are just things that I prefer not to share with everyone.

I have friends that are going through stuff.  I am worried about them.  I don't know the best way to help them, so I pray.  I'm praying a lot lately.  Grateful to have words to my prayers now.  I am glad I have friends that are there for me, even when I retreat. Or try to anyway.  Secretly, I wonder if I will ever be the same again.  

People ask, how can I still praise Him?  I don't know what to tell them, but the truth as I know it - how can I not praise Him? Especially in the storm?  And yes - we are in a storm.  One hell of a storm.   Still trying to trust Him fully.

I breathe deep & wonder when will our turn come?  I feel like it has been non-stop.  Ashamed to admit my faith has been shaken a time or two.  Have we not been faithful?  Does He not know my heart? When is enough just enough?

Still I pray.  I let my tears be my words when no words are to be found.  What else am I to do?  I have no clue.  So I do what I do when I don't know what to do.  In the middle of the storm - pray.

I pray. Still.

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

What's A Girl to Do?

So, I'm a little behind. On everything.

My blog. My life.

I spent the week feeling not so well do to med changes. My computer been acting crazy - sluggish, timing out, not loading right - just about everything that drives me crazy then some.

This week I'm going to try & catch up the best that I can. I have some post to finish, some post that beg to be written, there are pictures that need to attended it to badly & my Mom's 70th birthday is Friday, & her party is Saturday.

So for the next few days or so I'm going do some re-directing. Stacey did a post I want to share & I did some guest blogging for her. Stay tuned for that...

Things seem a little crazy at the moment. Emotionally, I have a million thoughts & things going on. I tried to call Stacey the last couple of days to talk to her, but I couldn't get a hold of her. Thea was away for her birthday & Beth is on vacation. What does a girl do when she can't access some of her best friends?

Go crazy & drive others there with her.

I just got things weighing heavy on my heart lately. Stuff I'll get through, I know. I just wanna talk it out with someone. Never underestimate the power of a friendly ear & a best friend.

Just A Little Venting

I will be the first to tell you - I am not perfect. Not by a long shot, just not at all.

I don't know it all or even pretend to know it all. I want certain things I can't have, some not right now, some not at all:

I want to have a family;
I want to have my friends here with me, instead of not.
I want to stop being tortured by Mandy's death &
I want answers damn it (don't I deserve that?);
I want to cure cancer;
I want to be able to freely admit - I am pissed & that isn't going away, not soon!
I want people to understand that feelings are not wrong, no matter what they are -
I want to believe what I know to be true.
I want to not worry about certain things;
I want to stop doubting;
I want to know that things are going to be okay;
I want a safe place to fall!

Wow, it's a short list, but that's a lot & at least it's truthful. And I know that I could go on longer, but don't have the time or the engery. Hey, if I can't vent, WTH is a blog good for anyway?