Friday, May 21, 2010

On Fire

Sometime during the night - when my brain was halfway between sleep & conscientiousness - I have started this post a thousand times in my mind.

I was filled with dread & butterflies as I began to speak confessing a part of my past that I would rather forget. Funny thing though, no matter how much I try to cram things in the back of my brain & bury the thoughts & feelings that are just too difficult to handle, they are always there, lingering in the air like smoke from a candle whose light has been snuffed out.

In the earlier hours of the morning - this one in fact, as the tears fell at a rapid pace & my nose became stuffed again & again, I surrendered. With every fiber of my being, there is a part of me that knew this was coming.

I hate this - being vulnerable; I always have. It's no secret that I always second guess (a million times over) trusting someone, especially with something that is so carefully guarded within me. How can I not, having been burned before. Hell, sometimes I wasn't burned, I was set on fire.

You will not find the confession here, revealing a kept secret. I just can't bare it. It is simply to much to handle; Being so incredibly broken, I can't even entertain the thought of baring my soul. Not on this very public blog. Not yet. Maybe even not ever.

And that has to be enough for now.

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Thursday, May 20, 2010

In Focus

The truth is this - there are reasons that I have been MIA. Lots of them.

Have you ever had moments were something hits you & everything makes sense? I've been taking time off from blogging to refocus. Yes, there had been times where I desperately needed to blog. Just let it all out, but I resisted.

Sure, I've wanted to write things, catch up with what's been going on. But the truth is, I so desperately needed to reconnect. Reaching out to those I love & having them reach back.

My days missing have been filled with family & friends. Spending time with them & truly connecting with one another, having quality time & making it count. If it's one thing I have learned through loss & grieving it's there is no second chances. This is it. Make it count.

We've been spending time with old friends...

Ansley & Me April 2010 @WM
Ansley & Me, 4.11.2010

Reconnecting with those we haven't seen in forever...

Theresa & Me Mother's Day 2010 @WM
Me & Theresa, Mother's Day 2010

Making new friends...

Lisa S & Me 4.30.2010 @WM
My Friend, Lisa & Me, 4.30.2010

Helping coach Jason's T-Ball team...

T-Ball Jake & Jason - Cropped @WM
Jake & Jason 5.1.2010

And hanging out on the field...

Jason & Me 5.6.2010 @ WM
Jason & Me, 5.6.2010

Simply spending time with those whom we love...

Mom, Jake & Me Mothers Day 2010 @WM
Mom, Jake & Me, Mother's Day 2010

Bringing it all into focus - making it all crystal clear.

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