Lent: Pushing Through

Today, Betsy would have been 52.  I spent most of the day thinking of her.  And wondering if I should go the Ash Wednesday services at Cedar Ridge.  It still baffles me that she's gone & I just can't imagine the service without her.  After all, she was the one who creatively planned the services for what seems like forever.

Turns out, because of pain, I didn't go. Oh, how I wish I would have. I keep mulling over the past few weeks in  my head, still finding it hard to believe that she's gone now.  Yet, there is an undeniable presence of her at church.  How can there not be? After all, she poured out her heart and soul there for years.

I've also been wondering what to do for Lent.  So I give up something or add something? I have decided that for Lent, I need to write more, especially on here.  For far too long, I have gotten away from blogging. And I secretly regret it.

I think of all the moments I have missed.  All the late nights spent not asleep writing stuff that no one will ever read. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I would start to write a post in my head, but never push through that feeling of vulnerability of being exposed on this very public blog to actually post something.

So, hear I go. Plunging back in. On purpose.  Pushing through all the uncomfortable spots for an important cause, as a friend often reminds me.  Oh, how I'm so grateful for her ever present gentle encouragement, often when I need it the most.

The truth is I've been doing some private writing, which has been therapeutic. And hard.  There have been many times where I have wondered why I keep pursuing a process that is so difficult.  Why is it that I want to work through stuff that I have crammed down for so long?

And yes, there have been many times where I want quit.  I've wanted to just stop dredging up the tough stuff that I've long since buried.  Still, time & again, I continue to plunge in, no matter how deep the waters get.

I wish I could say that these weeks have been easy.  They haven't.  I wish I could say that Jake & I have not struggled. We have. I wish that I could say that giving a voice to my thoughts and feelings came flowing out of me without much effort. It hasn't.

So here I go. I'm all in, whether I like it or not.. After all, I am fighting for an important cause. I'm fighting for me. And that's the most important cause of all.

Lent 2011: These Late Nights Are Killing Me (Day 8)

Dear T,

It's 4:30 AM & again, I can't sleep. I've been up all night or damn near it in pain. I think rain is near. Its either that or just the change in the weather in general.

Gosh, I can't wait for Wednesday. I am so very ready to tell you everything that I have been holding in. That's a good thing, I guess.

The funny thing about secrets & keeping them is they often hurt the one they are meant to protect. And they often gain power the longer we hold them in.

I'm working on letting things go for Lent. Or trying anyway. Nothing specific, just letting things go in general.

My computer hasn't worked right for days now. Something is wrong with the screen. I can tell you first hand that writing emails to you all via my cell phone is not at all fun, but at least it clears my head a bit, so I tolerate it.

Funny thing when you hugged me last night & said things will get better, I believed you. I know it will get better. It's just a matter of time really.

I have a funny feeling that after we talk & I tell you everything I will feel so much better. The crazy thing is that our friendship is so built on faith & honesty that it feels like lying by not being open & honest with you, which has seem to complicate things a bit.

Jake's alarm should be going off in a little while. Gosh, no one quite understands just how much I love him. He puts up with a lot stuff. Granted, I put up with a lot of stuff too, only in a different way.

I am so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. So I'm going to let go a bit & stop fighting myself, hoping that will lead to sleep.In the meantime, keep praying for me. In much need of prayers.

I love you.

Always,

Lent 2011: 2 AM Anxiety Freak Out (Day 3)

It's 2 AM & I can't sleep. Anxiety is getting the best of me.

In 11 days, I am going to friendnap Theresa & take her away out of state for the day. She has no clue where we are headed & I love it that way, so I'll leave where we are going a mystery on here too. At least for now. {:)

For hours now, I have felt nauseated. There is no doubt that I'm being triggered badly & I hate it. Really, really, really hate it.

About a day ago or so, I wrote her an e-mail. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate email & that it isn't my favorite choice of communication ever. There is some things that I need to share with her. These things are personal & private. Very personal & very private.

So There are things I need to share that - well, I'm scared to share. Afraid to say. As if they will be real when I speak them. Unable to try & convince myself that it didn't happen.

Not to me. Not again.

I feel as if I'm a child again keeping secrets. God, I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Literally.

Other then Jake, who only knows bc he is my husband (& well, how could he not know?), I have only told one other person & when that happened it slipped out - in some sort of anxiety-ridden frenzy that was induced by the life events which has occurred these last several months.

If it were up to me - no one would know. Hell, if it were up to me, it wouldn't have happened at all. The truth is I feel so much guilt & shame. I just want it to stop. I want to let it go.

I hate what my life has become.

I'm afraid if I speak out loud, it will change our friendship. I am afraid she won't love me anymore. Bc, let's face it - how in the world could anyone do that, right? I'm a little crazy. Or at least it feels that way.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing.

I have to let go. I have to let go of this. I can't hold onto it anymore. After all, I'm supposed to working on letting go of things for Lent. Right?

We will still be friends. She will still love me. I know this. How? Bc I know her. It's as simple as that. And she will - love me no matter what. She has told me so. And I believe her.

Even though I know that is the the truth, it doesn't feel true. Somewhere along the way, somethings happened to make the truth feel wrong. Lies that are embedded in my brain that I'm not even conscience of are influencing me & my behavior. Those lies need to go away. Go away now.

I need TPM. Seriously.

I am second guessing myself. And I need to stop. Why does every freaking thing need to be so complicated? Friendnapping was supposed to be fun. How did this happen?

I hold my head in my hands & know that it is only a matter of time. I just pray that the words will come when they are meant to come & they are received gently & met with love.

And in the end, I am, indeed, loved no matter what.

Lent 2011: Reflections of Ash Wednesday (Day 2)

Last night, I attended the most amazing Ash Wednesday service at church. It difficult to explain, if you didn't attend.

There was scripture, meditation, a lot of prayer, singing, harp playing. A lot of time to reflect. All which lasted only a short hour, but was amazing.

I cannot lie - as amazing that it was, it was difficult fro me. Everything is difficult it seems now. To focus on ashes, the whole purpose to realize that we were created in our human physical form, which will not last forever. From ashes we were created & to ashes we will return.

Somehow, death is different for me now & I can't explain it. Last night, I spent a lot of time thinking of Dad, myself, crying & remembering how it feels to breath & to not only do it, but do it deeply.

Patsy lead us in the amazing meditation. One that I wish I had a recording of it, so I could do it again. Truly amazing, especially for me. Historically, it is very difficult for me to relax, but last night, at least for a little while it wasn't. My guess is it has lots to do with trust & for whatever reason I was able to be in a place where I felt safe & loved.

I thought a lot about what to give up or add, for that matter, for Lent, something which I should have thought of before yesterday, but didn't. Last year I gave up avoidance, remember? Something that challenged me & change me in many ways. This year, the only thin g I could think of is to make a conscience effort to blog daily.

Then after reflection & much consideration & deep thought - it came to me. For Lent, I'm going to work on letting go. What that means exactly, well, I'm still trying to figure that out. Letting go of what I'm not sure, but I do hope by letting go that I find myself again.

Reflections of Lent

Avoidance.

We all do it. Some more than others. So when Lent rolled around & I gave it up.

So for 40 days, I did things I didn't want to do. Had conversations, wrote e-mails, completed task, got things in order I had be putting off.

Truth be told, I never expected it to be so damn difficult. And often found my myself asking "What the hell was I thinking?" Any change or, to be more exact, growth is difficult. At least it should be.

We are human. Flawed & beautiful. And our actions & reactions matter.

I will not lie. There are times when I wished that I could just forget about Lent & go on avoiding. It is so much easier to do that. More convenient. Less painful.

I had conversations with people that were difficult. Some didn't end well. And relationships were forever altered - both in good ways & not so good ways. At the very least, I know I stayed true to not only my word, but who I am.

I cannot say that I don't have regrets about the past weeks. I do. I regret not trusting myself enough to listen to my inner instincts. I now know that some things are better left unsaid. That sometimes that raw intense in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling means something.

But (yes, there is always a but) I do not regret what I know now bc of not listening to such a feeling. I now know that some people aren't who they say they are (a lesson that I have ever-so-painfully learned before & somehow keep forgetting).

That sometimes words are just words. And even though the intention behind it may be good, actions may not follow. And there are some who, believe it or not, just do not truly mean what they say.

I have also learned that sometimes you may find a friend (or two) in that person who you never got a chance to really know, even after years of sitting in front of them every Sunday. That some friends who love you do so unconditionally.

That even when I feel displaced, I not only have a place to be, but I'm right where I need to be. And, even more importantly, that even though I may feel disconnected, I am still very much connected & sometimes, just sometimes, those connections are deeper than I ever knew.

Just think... all of that bc I decided that it was time to stop avoiding life & just let it happen.

Lent: Knowing Now (Day 20)

For over a year now, I've have found myself on a journey that I've never expected to be on. A journey to be & live more authentically. And bc of this journey, I have had a closer relationship with God than I have ever known before. So, when Lent approached this year, there was never any question to whether or not I would give something up.

I have to tell you honestly, I haven't always observed Lent in the past. Some years I would & some I wouldn't. This year is different though. It didn't really seem like a difficult decision whether or not to observe Lent this time.

What was difficult was trying to figure out what to give up. I don't really know what made me give up my defense mechanism of avoidance, but when I chose to do so I knew it would change me. I knew it would be easy, & I knew it would keep me out of my comfort zone.

Not being easy is an understatement. Here I am exactly half way through Lent. And there are, in fact, days when I very much regret giving up avoidance. Not bc I want to avoid things, but bc sometimes it is just so hard. And yes, I still wonder - what the heck I was thinking?

About a week & a half ago now, I had a very difficult conversation with Patsy. The details are not really that important. What is important is that it is a conversation that was difficult. And it was one of those conversations that once you have it, there is no going back. Bc no matter if it was intended or not, it does change things.

If you go back & read some of my entries I made at the time, you will realize that this conversation left me with many thoughts & feelings that I struggled with for many days & nights. There were even gaps in my entries, which, again, is saying something.

At the time, I didn't want to have this conversation. I feared that just having it would change things somehow. In the past, when I shared with someone something that was on my heart, it has change things - sometimes for the better, but more often than not, it has changes things that were not for the better.

Right at the moment, I can't tell you if this conversation made things better or not. What I can tell you is that it has changed things. And, to be fair, I will say that part of me regrets having the conversation. So, in a way, my fear did come true.

I can't go back, I can't change things, but I can go on from here. In the time between then & now, I have talked to a few trusted few, processed some, & even had a TPM session about the matter. And I have to tell you, having done all that, I feel so much better.

And I can honestly say that if I would have never chose to give up avoidance, I may have never had that talk. If that conversation never occurred, I may never know now what I didn't know then. And although it is too early to tell the outcome, I do, indeed, know that everything happens for a reason.

And I can only go forward from here.

Lent: Exposed (Day 8)

Do you ever feel like you just want to slow down? That life goes by so fast & is way too complicated? That's how I feel at the moment.

Whatever happened to keeping things simple. Doing things bc you want to, not bc you have to. Taking the time to catch up with friends or make new ones bc you want to connect more, desiring nothing more than to connect to people on a deeper level.

Being truthful, honest & authentic to the core - stripping everything away & saying this is me. This is who I am. This is who God created me to be. Gone is the defense mechanisms, the walls, the hesitations, the lies that we hold in place to keep us safe. To be exposed.

Yes, I gave up avoidance for Lent. My attempt to be more authentic, more real. To embrace the growth & change that is happening within me. To continue on this journey I have found myself on. A very unexpected, unplanned journey to live as truthful & authentic as I can - no matter the cost.

Though unplanned - it is not unwanted. This journey is not easy &, at times, is scary as hell. I have to resist my urge to run. Hide. And Avoid. I would be lying if I told you there weren't times that I want to quit - throw in the towel - surrender. This is just too painful at times. To drag out in the open all the dirt, all the muck, the things hidden in the dark - crammed way in the back -hoping to be forgotten.

To be exposed. To be vulnerable. Risking it all for the sake of me. The me that I was always meant to be.

I am not alone on this journey but sometimes, I feel alone. Especially, when I am going through tough stuff that I'm keeping to myself, which is apparently a pattern me. Who knew?

So, silently I pray. Talk to Him. Hoping for something to make sense. Bc with Him, I am already vulnerable. Already exposed. Still I wonder, if that is enough.

Lent: Distractions (Day 5)

In church yesterday, I was distracted. Trying really hard to listen to the message, my mind raced. Not bc our Sr. Pastor, Matthew, couldn't keep my attention, but bc I just couldn't stop thinking about so many other things.

What the heck was I thinking giving up avoidance for Lent? This is a lot more challenging than I thought. And out of my comfort zone I certainly am. Really, I should have thought this through more. It's no wonder I am distracted. I can't avoid anything. Darn it. I have to do things, deal with thoughts & feelings I would rather not & have conversations I have been dodging. Not to mention, life is a little crazy to say the least.

In case you are wondering, Dad did fine - thankfully so - with his heart surgery on this past Friday. It was his second heart surgery in 7 days. He is home now & hopefully taking it as easy as he can. Again, I found myself alone at the hospital, which I am okay with, as always.

The funny thing is though I am never alone. God, for many reasons (I think), made sure of that. He's funny that way. {:) For whatever reason, if for no other reason then to have a distraction while dad was in surgery & I needed to just talk to someone about my dad & anything & everything but my dad.

So, unexpectly, I found myself on the phone with my friend Beth. I so love her. We get each other on so many levels. And there is something to be said of true friendship that is nothing but authentic. She has given me much more than she will ever know.

Over six years ago, on my first day at my church, she is the first person who came up to me & introduced herself. She works at the church, but she's one of those people who loves her job - gives way too much of herself - often going far beyond the call of duty - & doesn't know how to be anything but genuine. Truly, we were destined to be friends. And trust me, there are not many who I say that about.

Perhaps that is why I was a little distracted yesterday. It was the day that the church announced that - after 10 years of service - Beth was leaving her job, even though her official last day is a few weeks from now.

The good thing is she's leaving her job, but not the church. And even if she were to leave the church, I don't have any worries bc we would still be friends anyway {:). I just wouldn't get one of her great hugs every Sunday (I shudder at the thought). Her hugs, are often one of things I look forward to every week.

The thing is, as hard as this may be for her, it's a good thing. She's leaving to pursue other aspects of her life. And bc I know Beth, she will have no problem staying active in the church - just as a member, that's all. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. This was so not an easy decision for her. And as her friend, I am excited to see where her path leads her now.

Being her friend, I couldn't help but share in joys & sorrows, shedding many tears right along with her. Knowing what a difficult day that it would be & that her birthday is next Sunday, I did what I do best & made her something. It turned out awesome & says volumes. I guess in a sense I used it as a form of distraction. It was as much for her as it was for me.

Maybe not all distractions are a bad thing after all.

Lent: Something Deeper (Day 1)

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent.

At first I couldn't decide what to give up for Lent. Facebook? Blogging? All other drinks, except for water? Some type of food? Some game I play? Texting? Or how about TV? Eating out? And the list goes on & on.

Something didn't sit right with me. I wanted something deeper. Something with more meaning. Something that would compliment this journey I have found myself on. This class I take on Monday nights at my church, has given me much to think about. And as a result, I've become more aware than ever before, especially when it comes to my thoughts, feelings & reactions. I see the world around me different than before.

Then it came to me. I had just wrote yesterday about being out of my comfort zone. So what if what I gave up is something not tangible, but something that would keep me out of my comfort zone. Something that would to encourage my growth, to further my journey. Something that will - no doubt - challenge me.

So I decided to give up a defense mechanism. Avoidance. Strange I know. I have decided to give up avoiding things, whatever those things are. So, basically, if I think about having to do something whether it be something like going somewhere unpleasant, doing something that I would rather not do, or telling something to whomever that I rather not tell, I must do it, regardless.

Let me tell you - this will not be easy. At all. There is a lot of stuff I avoid, especially lately. All ready today I have:

Went back to bed after getting up early to talk to Jake (something I often avoid doing even though I need to sleep & lately I have been exhausted);

After he started to vent to me this morning & in turn started yelling at me about things that were out of my control, I told him (in a nice way) that things suck right now & there's little I can do about it, but yelling at me just wouldn't make things better (usually I would just let him go & not say anything right there in the moment);

In order to get ready for tonight's Ash Wednesday service tonight, I got a shower hours ago (normally I would wait like two hours before we were to leave);

Already I started to de-clutter things around me, something that I've been avoiding for way too long.

And finally, although I don't know why & it does seem strange, I sat down to write this post, something that I seemed to be putting off, so I sat down and began to type. Perhaps it has to do with accountability.

So, that's it. For the next 40 days - actually longer, but you are not supposed to count Sundays - I will do things I've been avoiding. Wish me luck as this will not be easy. Then again, the best rewards in life are never truly easy.