Hide & Seek

Recently, I read this post from MckMama's blog & I've been pondering somethings... Actually, I've been thinking about the same things she talks about in her post well before I had read it. It's a good read, with some really good points, so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. But only if you wish to do so. {:)

Living boldly is hard. Blogging boldly is even more difficult. Or is it the other way around? Some days I think it's both, or one over the other depending on the day. No matter how honest I am or how much I try to be authentic, sometimes I still find myself editing when I don't mean to or just automatically, which ever the case may be.

There are lots of times lately, say in the past year or so, that I find myself in a place that I do not ever wish I was in & I was (am) out of my comfort zone; however, I have grown from those places & learned from those places. Does it make it all worth it? Maybe, but at the time I'm in those places, I don't want to think of that.

Although, I must say, that since I started this blog, I do try to write from my heart as often as I can - with a bold honesty that, yes, sometimes takes me out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to pretend that I have it all together when I don't. That Jake & I aren't struggling when we are. That I am not upset or angry when I am, in fact, pissed. Who am I fooling? Certainly not myself. Certainly not God.

Being honest now, I must say that right this very moment - for days now, I have been pissed. That I'm not only just mad, but I'm pissed at God. Why? Well, for right now, that's going to have to stay between me & Him. Maybe there will come a time when I will share - maybe that time will never come.

This is nothing new. It has happened before. Many, many times. What is different now? Now, I am closer to God then I have ever been & my relationship with Him has never, ever been so real.

So real, in fact that it is hard to ignore Him & even more difficult to push him away. It's as if He is saying, "I'm here. Right here and I am not going anywhere, regardless if you are mad or not. Push all you want. I'll still be here." In fact, I know that's what He is saying.

So great - just great - I'm pissed & I have to deal with it too? Talk about living boldly. Now that's being honest. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to admit that I'm mad at God right at this moment, when I have done so in the past & I've not only done so, but I have done so rather loudly.

Maybe it's bc even when I'm mad, He continues to change me, give me gifts, & bless me in many ways. Or maybe it's bc of this journey I am on & that I am closer now then I have ever been. This time it's much more personal. This time, He is harder to ignore, harder to run from, harder to hide from... That no matter just how much I do run, the truth remains that I simply cannot hide.

I never could. Bc no matter where I try to hide, He is always seeking me.

Good Bye 2009 & Thanks For It All

In a couple of hours, 2009 will be a thing of the past. And I can't be more glad.

This year has been so difficult. It's not about the deaths or other losses I have had, how my husband & I struggled, the things that have gone unsaid or unwritten, but about all of it together.

Yes, this year has been difficult.

While I have had difficult times - years - before, 2009 is different. I am different. Even though I have struggled this year, I have also changed & grown more than any year that I can remember. My struggling & changing have gone hand & hand. There is no doubt that one has effected the other. How could it not?

Amongst other things, I have grown in my faith as a Christian. I have grown as a person & there is no doubt, I am better for it. I cannot, & will not, look back on this year & (as much as I may want to) wish that it would or could be forgotten.

It is through the difficult times of this year that I have not only grown, but grown closer to God. My faith has been tested & stretched. I have questioned, begged & pleaded, & prayed more than I have ever in the past. Likewise, it has been years since my faith has been tested like this. And I must say, my relationship with God has never been more real. More personal. More connected than ever before.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I would have said or done things differently? Do I wish that I could go back & re-do things again, changing the outcome? Yes... and no. Yes, don't we all wish we could do that to some degree & no, if I could change things, have a re-do, things would not be how they are now.

There is a reason for it all. Everything both good & bad has a purpose. I would like to think that the difficulties I have faced, the struggling I have endured, have a reason - a good one - for occurring; that life as I know it will be different than ever before. Be different in the new year to come.

So, I say Good Bye to this year & give thanks for it. For without this year & everything I encountered within it, I would not be just where I am & who I am today.

Living In The Truth

Authentic [aw-then-tik]: not false or copied; genuine; real.

Over the past year, I have attempted to become more authentic. Something that I have craved to be well before this year. I have, as I always had, yearned to be a better person, to live in nothing but truth - to be the person I was meant to be, & fully embrace that change.

It has not been easy to except this journey I continue on, but nonetheless, I welcome it. Living in the truth, no matter what that truth is & no matter how much it hurts to face that truth sometimes is a daily struggle.

And living in the truth, striving to be authentic, has cost me greatly.

I have come to realize that even though I embrace the truth, others do not. This has cost me friendships, put a strain on some relationships, & caused me to question & see things differently than I ever had before.

Over time, I have rearranged my priorities & put myself before others. Something that I have NEVER done before. And, well, this hasn't sat well with some. As I think back, this blog was created as a direct result of me putting me on the top of my list. Remember?

Yes. Things are different. Things were not made to always stay the same. People were not made to stay the same either. And, as much as I hate to admit it, while I do have regrets, I am not sorry for how things are now.

I am a better person bc of my quest to be authentic. It is my journey - no one else's. The person that I am & who I continue to be is so much better than the person I ever dreamed of being.

So, yes, I'll continue on my way - being genuine, real, not false, bc in the end, the rewards are far more greater than I imagined.

New Look, Fresh Start

As some of you have noticed, my blog is sporting a new look. I thought it was time to get a re-do, to reflect a little touch of me, be a little more personal, & in a sense, mirror the changes that are not only occurring in my life, but within with me.

I searched forever, or what seemed like forever, for the a blog designer that seemed to be a fit for me, researched, contacted, & questioned several people, none of which seemed right for me. Except one.

I chose Jennisa from Once Upon a Blog Design Shoppe, & I couldn't be more elated with the result! She was very easy to talk to, patient & extremely accommodating. I knew nothing about what I wanted or didn't want, but she knew what questions to ask & how to turn my answers into something so beautiful that truly reflected me. Without question, I will return to her with all of my future designing needs. So, if you are looking for a blog makeover, make sure you stop by & give her a look.

Oh, and I must mention, she is so talented & a true joy to work with that she was on the news just yesterday. If you would like to see the piece that her local news ran, you can view it here.

It's funny how things wind up with perfect timing. How things that seem to be totally unrelated end up being connected in some way. There's nothing like getting a new look & fresh start both on the inside & out.

Big Changes!

This post is a bunch of mix & match thoughts. A little of everything!

Remember Stellan? Well, he finally went to Boston for that ablation. And I'm overjoyed to report, that it went GREAT. Read about it here. He & his family could still use prayers during his recovery. Again, I am in awe at what God can do.

In other news, this blog is going to be going through changes of its own. I am super excited & can't wait to see what's in store. You'll just have to wait & see with me. {:)

Also, for the last couple of days, I've been rethinking somethings. To be honest, I'm not done thinking things through. There have been some big changes in my life & the way I see things, which I will share in the coming days.

Tonight, I'm going to Mandy's house to have dinner with her mom. I'm super excited to get to see Momma Dawne, but it's bitter sweet - oh how I wish I was seeing Mandy too. I just miss her so much!

Jake has been working SO HARD, with long hours it is crazy. Then, on top of that, he has been working over mom's to help out, & helping with Dad & stuff. It's difficult to find time to spend together. I'm so proud of him though. He really does love his job & is a very hard worker.

The weather here is crazy & ever changing. It's been beautiful weather the past couple of days, but cold at times. Coupled with the fact that thanks to daylight savings time, it gets dark SO early - you got a picture of Maryland weather. Changes in the weather are always crazy for me as it makes me have to mange my pain better. However, the beautiful colors in the leaves make up for it all.

Enough randomness for now. What's changes are you facing? Do tell, I'm listening.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.

Frustration

That's what I have. Frustration. Lots of it.

Last night I attended a support group for physically disabled adults, which is so new it doesn't even have a name yet. Last nights topic: budget cuts. The easiest way to explain this is there are two programs:

DDA: Provides long term support services for the disabled. The waiting list is forever long (some wait 5 years or better) & priority is based on need. I'm on the crisis resolution list, which are the people who are next on the list to get services. I've been actively waiting for services for 3 years now.

Rolling Access: Provides short term support to people while they are waiting to get DDA. Services not to exceed $3000 in a fiscal year & consider your self lucky if you get the full amount.

Things RA money has gotten me:

Someone to come in, knock down & reconstruct walls in my house, so that I can better access my bedroom with the wheelchair I'm sitting in - which is nothing like the one I had before it.

A grab bar so I can have better assistance in the bathroom, which allows me to get in a out of the shower independently & safely. Something I had to depend on someone else for until I got the bar.

An automatic door opener for the front door. This allows me to freely open and close the door independently & easily. This allows me to get out of my house swiftly in an emergency, & do other things (that people take for granted) like get the mail, walk the dog, go out on the porch & read, go to the van. You get the picture - it basically allows me access in & out of the house whenever I want. Another example of the services that other people who have the money do is they may choose to use it on respite care, like having aides come to the house or go to summer camp.

What's next on the list of things to get done for me? A door opener for the back door. These are not big things, but they are life changing. And they ARE big to me. They are not only big, they're HUGE.

My frustration? Budget cuts. Big changes. Changes that don't effect long term support people (who get a 2% decrease) in they're budget, at least not YET. Example: Someone that gets $10,000 a yr will be reduced only $200. While short term people (like Me) get NO MORE support. In less you count the ONE time in a LIFETIME support, not to exceed $3000. That means if you got a $250 grab bar, sorry about your luck.

Oh, and that waiting list - yeah, sorry about your luck on that too. We're not excepting new people this year.

These effects (plus other changes that re complicated & I won't go into for the sake of this blog & my sanity) take place Nov. 1st, only a few short weeks from now, which may allow me to get a door opener for the back door. The question still remains if that will be my lifetime assistance. I have no clue.

So, sorry this is long, but I had a lot to say. As I go about my day, I'll remember to breathe & try not to let frustration get the best of me. And I hope that as you go about your day, you don't take the slightest thing for granted.

On The Verge

Again, I find myself on the verge of change. Don't they say that nothing is constant but change? If they don't, they should. Whoever "they" is anyway.

On Monday nights, I take a class at my church on learning a very specific counseling technique based on prayer & living in the truth. It's difficult to explain in general, but I would be willing to talk to you about it if it intrigues you or if you desire to know more about it. Just e-mail me: you can find my email on the right side of the page.

I digress - bc of taking this class, I have a lot of old stuff stirred up, stuff that I believed that was done & dealt with. Although it will not be forced, I have opportunity to get counseling myself. The thing is that (eventually) it would require my to go to some VERY dark places; places that I would rather not be talked about.

Truthfully, it's not talking about them that bothers me, but I know that in order for this technique to work, I have to face raw, intense emotion that will be intensified to say the least. However, when it's over, I'll have a peace that I've never known. A true healing.

How do I know? Bc I know people that have done it & are better for it. I know that I eventually will do it, but I am scared. Scared of what? I don't know exactly. I've been having trouble naming what it is exactly. Maybe I'm scared of the unknown.

There is no doubt in my mind that God has brought me to this place on purpose. This is where I need to be. Now, I just have to be brave enough to take the plunge. I think I'll pray for the courage in the meantime.

Embracing Crazy

As I sit here, I have know idea what to write, but what I am certain of is that I need to write & that's all that matters.

Everything has been crazy here, not necessarily in a bad way, just crazy. It's been that way for days now, even weeks. Jake got a promotion at work, which is a blessing (no doubt); however it has lead us to a path of uncertainty financially. I will spare you the details, but it is complicated to say the least.

The unknown is always feared, however I have always tried to face it willingly & head on - always keeping the Faith. Noticed I said tried. I am not always a 100% successful at that, but if I was, I suppose I wouldn't be human.

In addition, Jake's brother & his wife (that live across the alley), have been having some personal family issues (that I will not be going into, except to say it is not marital) that have cause the whole family (us included) to be unsettled.

Meanwhile, I am still missing Mandy, & am well aware that her first birthday in Heaven is approaching at the end of the month. I am comforted by the fact that I will one day be reunited with her, but it does not make me miss her any less or not think of her several times a day - still.

There is a reason for it all. I may not know the reason, but I know there is one. And as much as I know that God has the Ultimate Plan, trusting in that plan is sometimes very difficult. The waiting & the wondering is also difficult; however, no one said it would be easy, & again I remember this.

So if I have to right now, I'll take it one day at a time, one hour, one minute, if need be. Embracing the craziness all the way.

Plans & Moving On

What a long day week. Our friend, Mike, whom I affectionately call Charlie (two names, one person), moved in his new apartment this week. For those who know him & his story (which is his story to tell, not mine), I truly hope this is the fresh new start he needs.

Being the good friends we are, we helped him move, assembled things, took him to stores, picked up things for him, put things away, ect... Often leaving his place in the late early hours of the night morning. Needless to say we are are all exhausted, but that's what friends do, right? Especially after over 22 years of friendship.

I feel as if I put my life on hold this week. Calls gone unanswered. Sleep unhad. Appointments not scheduled. The house not cleaned. Duties neglected. However, it was my choice to help him, & I have no regrets. Why should I? He certainly does quite enough for us & he does not have many he can truly depend on.

I have found myself reflecting a lot this week. Time & time again, I could not believe I was helping him move again. Into his own apartment. Alone. It just affirmed to me (yet again) - more than ever - that sometimes our plans are not, in deed, God's plans. No matter how right those plans seem to be at the time, He is the true Planner of it all.

And that may make all the difference in your world.

Figuring It Out

I've been trying to figure this blogging thing out some more. This whole world is rather new to me. I do not have a following, or even people that I know of anyway, who read these words regularly. I am not, by any means http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ And that is perfectly fine.

Again, this is for me, not anyone else. At least right now, that is how it is. I would like to do some stuff with my blog and learn some simple new things, such as how to put links in that are WORDS and not actual addresses until you click on the word.

I read a lot of blogs. Mostly ones that I stumble upon through links and happenstance. I see all these cool links, pictures, and tools for blogs that I have found are not so easy to figure out. Is there a do this, do that to your blog 101 class that I'm just not aware of? If so, I would really like to find it.

Sometimes nothing makes sense. Have you ever had one of those days? The kind of days where you're exhausted, but have done nothing. Are not feeling yourself, but can't put a finger on why you are feel this way? Where you aren't sad or depressed, but are not really happy, or even content either? Yes, it has been an ordinary-not-so-extraordinary day.

I just feel out of sorts today. Discontent, like I'm missing something, but I don't know what. It's as if my world is about to change or has already changed and I don't know it yet.

Timeline of Life

It seems like forever since I've written, maybe that is because it has been. This world around me is forever changing... Time moves on whether, I want it to or not. Since my last post, a lot has happened, some good some not so good. Here's a list:

May 10: Jake starts another job with the same company he's been working for, just a different position but with more pay.

May 13: Heather's maternal grand mom passed away.

May 14: Our fourth year wedding anniversary; took Jesse to the vet, got my wheelchair fixed, and went to pay my respects to Heather's family. All, and all just another ordinary day (and part of me believes that's why anniversaries should be, partly because that's what marriage and life is about).

May 15: Get a call from mom saying she is not feeling well, is very dizzy, and that her kitchen table is so messy that she is going to make homemade soup, despite the world spinning around her. Call and checked on her four times throughout the day and night, she does not remember me calling at all.

May 16: Attend Heather's Grandmom's funeral, but decide not to go to the cemetery because it has been raining and all I know my chair will get stuck in the mud.

Between funeral and wake, I call mom and stop by to pick something up from the porch. She is still not feeling well and is very dizzy.

About thirty minutes later, mom calls and ask if we could take her to Patient First (urgent care) after we get done eating. Before we are done, mom's neighbor Sue calls and says that an ambulance is taking mom to the hospital.

2 PM - We go to the hospital, and beat the ambulance there (I find out later that it was because they could not stabilize her for transport). When I talk to mom, she is slurring her words, vomiting and dizzy.

Hours later they run a CAT scan, and it comes back clean, but they think she has had a stroke.

May 17: 1215 AM - Mom is safe in her hospital bed, on the heart unit and we finally come home for the night.

I return to the hospital in the morning and stay till late at night. Nothings new. It's Sunday. Hospitals do nothing on Sundays. Dizziness and vomiting continue. I inquire why mom's on the heart unit. They say it's because she has a heart memoir (which we've known for years) and memoirs can cause blood clots, which then can cause strokes.

May 18: Mom still dizzy, but is able to keep down food.

May 19: They run an MRI and discover that mom has had several mini strokes. They move he to the stroke unit.

May 20: Mom is released from hospital and told to follow up with her doctors. I meet with Mandy's mom and get pictures to do her memory boards from the memorial.

May 21: Start on the memory pieces for Mandy. Very worried about mom.

May 22: Scrapping the memory board, pull an all nighter.

May 23: Exactly one month after Mandy dies, I attend Mandy's memorial.

There is so much more stuff that has happened, but that timeline gives you an idea of it mostly. The bottom line is, there is a lot going on, as always.

I'm just doing what I've learned works for me. Keeping the faith, positive thoughts, and many prayers... Because, in the end, everything happens for a reason & the way it is supposed to be.

Spring Cleaning

I know it has been a while since my last post - it just so happens to be one month exact. It's funny how that happened by chance. Things have been wonderful but crazy here at the same time. It seems that as each day passes my life changes in some little way, which is not at all a bad thing.

Spring has arrived here in Maryland. The dogwood tree out my bedroom window is budding. The days are beautiful, with sun and blue skies, but it is still cold and chilly at times. Signs of change are among us. I must confess that as the world around me is changing, I am changing just as much - or even more - on the inside. I am not the same person I once was, even a few short months ago.

A few days ago, I was in a frenzy - a cleaning frenzy. I had had enough. It's all gone. All the clutter is sorted, purged or put in its proper place. Finally, my stuff and space is respected. It's all clean now, in my bedroom and office at least - afterall these are the parts of the house that I can control.

This is how it was meant to be - always. I have found that if I am a mess on the inside, my outer world reflects the same. I assume the oppisite is true as well.

I feel relaxed and at ease most of the time now. I cannot wait for our first official cookout, even if it's only for the family. Or to take the kids to the park. There's this park I like to go to. It is the only park that is 100% wheelchair accessible. I can even go up ON the play equipment power chair and all.

The whole playground has a ground made with recycable tires and they have two playareas: one for big kids and one for little kids. They have a awesome educational Nature Center and even accessible hiking trials.

I take my nieces and nephews there all the time because it is where I can fully interact with them and they love it there. In fact, they have already asked me weeks ago, despite the snow, when am I going to take them there.

One day, Jake and will take our children there too. One day.

Finding What Was Lost

The funny thing about loss is no matter how many times it occurs in my life, I never get used to it. There is nothing like loosing someone I deeply love and care about to make me reevaluate my life and look at life with fresh eyes, often more clearly than before.

The sad part is that in order to see things clearly, I must experience pain a deep - life altering way; in such a way that I never see things the same way again. Ever.

Time ticks on slowly and seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to night then back to days again. I miss many people...

Lynne my cousin who died of cancer in January of 2008 and Pete, a dear friend of nearly 20 years, who died as result of a heart attack January 5, 2009 mostly. I find myself missing them in different ways at different times, yet it really does not seem that different at all when I think about it. Because when all is stripped away, I still feel the same.

Seems that some people don't like the changes I've made in my life recently. I am more to myself, not spending hours on the computer or phone. I am centered on God, myself and my family - just as it should be. I am no longer putting others first if they are not on that list.

I'm not saying others are not on the list, just that they don't come first. This is a change is one that I needed to make for a long time and looking back, I should have made it a long time ago. I guess you can say it was through loss that I gained - gained deeper understanding, deeper love, deeper meaning in life.

It's as if through loss I have found it... found a better me. The me I was supposed to be all along.