Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Secret

I often wonder how people do things. You know the people who seem to have it all together. I wish I knew their secret.

Believe it or not, I am not one of those people. Sure, there appears to be times when things are going great & life is just flowing along, but having it together? Now, that's a different story.

Don't get me wrong - life is good. It's just that there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get everything done that I need or want to get done.

I have this desire to get connected & stay connected. I am not sure who or what I want to connect to, but if I had to guess I think the answer would be to God & others around me. In that order.

While it very true that I always am connected, I don't always FEEL connected. Do you ever feel like that? It's as if I want to see the bigger picture, but can't.

And those people who have it all together... Well, I guess it is possible that they don't really have it all together. Maybe, just maybe - they are disconnected too.
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Another Award: How Fabulous!

I received another award! How awesome is that? It is nice to see that my blogging is being shared with people other than I know personally. And It's nice to know that those who follow me, read what I write & truly care. I would continue to write even if no one read my blog though. However, everyone who has a blog should have a following bc it just makes things more exciting, I suppose.

Anyway, Debby from Just Breathe gave me this award (Much Thanks!) and the conditions of the award is that I name 5 obsessions of mine & pass the award onto 5 people. So here it goes:

1. My camera & taking photos. I wasn't always good at taking photos, but I learned from my mistakes & improved on it. I currently feel naked though - my camera got mysteriously broken a couple of days ago so, I don't have one right at the moment. It's secretly driving me crazy!

2. My Nieces & Nephews. I love them. So very much. Really. They are my world. It started back when Christopher was born, 16 years ago. Then Devann came 3 years later. Now, I have more nieces & nephews than I can count! {:) One thing is for sure though, I don't know what I would do without them. And I can honestly say, they have saved my life many times throughout the years.

3. My Pets. I have a zoo. Remember? I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites (or is that just with kids?), but I love Pee Wee. He's playful, compassionate, a good cuddler, does lots of tricks -including take off my socks, & loves me unconditionally. No matter what.

4. Bottles. As in water bottles, drink bottles whatever. I love them, have too many of them; although ever since I moved on with Jake, I can't ever seem to find them. I am always thirsty & always have a bottle with water in it with me. It's just how I roll. {:) Literally (a little bit of wheelchair humor).

5. Stores. Not buying stuff, just looking around in them. Especially places like Rite Aid or grocery stores. I could spend hours in them. I think it comes from spending a lot of time in the car as a kid waiting while mom ran into places.

Now, for the 5 6 people to pass this award:

Em @ Glorify Him Withe Every Breath,Kate @ Called Out One,CC @ His Heart, Amy @ Inside Amy's World, Tarah @ Eyeglasses & Endzones, & Ellen @ To The Max.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Update: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Yesterday, my Dad had the heart surgery - an ablation - that he needed to stop his heart from going into VT. The doctors seem very pleased with the results. And I'll be happy if he never sees that rhythm again.

Believe it or not, he was doing so well they released him today. So Jake & I picked him up from the hospital & took him home tonight. Hopefully, he will continue getting better & continue to get the much needed rest he needs (truly believing that at home is where the real healing begins).

People ask me time & again, how I'm getting through this and the answer is always the same: with faith that things will turn out how they are meant to be. Now, I just need to continue having the same faith.

Dad will always be - well, Dad. He will make his own mind up about things, be stubborn, strong willed & a fighter no matter what. That can be both a good & bad thing.

He has made it all too painfully clear to me, by both his words & actions that he will continue to live as he always has, & no matter how bad it gets (& how much the doctors warn & I plea) he will continue to drink & smoke - much to my dismay & disappointment.

While I am overjoyed that he is feeling much better & came through this crisis, part of me is heartbroken too. I truly love my Dad & would love nothing more but to have him a part of my life for as long as God allows.

Ideally, I would love him to be a big part of my children's lives too. And since we have no children yet, I realize that this may be too much to ask & something that may never happen.

But for now, I will just give thanks. Thanks to my friends who are supportive & genuinely care, thanks for all the prayers, thanks for God for not only bringing me to this, but through it. And most of all, thanks to God again for letting me have more time with my dad - no matter how long that may be.
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Monday, August 17, 2009

Not Me Monday: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been forever (or it seems that way) since my last post. I have not been busy focusing on family. No, Not Me!

Friday morning, my dad did did not call 911, get rushed to the hospital with a rapid heart rate and extreme difficulty breathing. Which resulted in Jake & me rushing to Dad's local hospital. No, Not Me!

After several doses of medicine to slow his 145+ (at rest) heartbeat failed & wondering why his pacemaker/defibrillator was not shocking him back into normal sinus rhythm, the doctors did not decide to Life Flight him to another hospital. And I didn't take pictures of it bc I thought when he was feeling better, Dad might like to see them. No, Not Me!

When we arrived at the second hospital, we were not told that the doctors shocked my dad's heart back to normal rhythm & that he would need a procedure called an ablation so that this pesky rhythm that baffles the pacemaker into not firing (or it's firing has no effects on) does not occur again. No, Not Dad!

Dad did not also have a bunch of other breathing issues like COPD (for one) & an infection on top of everything else, which has not been getting better day by day. And he was not in (& still is) in heart failure. No, Not Dad!

They did not almost release him today, without an ablation & say he could go home (much to our family's dismay). So, that Jake could call out of work yet again, so that he could take him home - only to find that they are going to keep him & do the procedure in a couple of days (Praise Him). No, Not them!

I have not stayed grounded with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I have not done remarkably well through this whole ordeal (so I've been told) - keeping the faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to be according to His Plan. No, Not Me!

Oh, and I'm not asking for you to please send up a prayer on Dad's behalf, if you are so inclined to do so. No, Not Me!

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Void

I thought about doing a wordless Wednesday today then decided not to. There will other Wordless days I'm sure. There are are just days when words just need not to be - well, wordless.

We don't have kids yet. Only pets. Lots of them. A dog, a parrot, several hermit crabs, multiple freshwater fish & even a beta fish. And those are just ours. Jake's dad, whom we live with, has is own dog, a a parakeet that gets neglected & even a goldfish that belong to my nephews who live across the ally.

Something has been bothering me. A lot. I have been reading a bunch of other people's blogs following some, passing by others. The thing that is irking me is that I am really lost sometimes at what to post a picture of and what not to. I don't know how I feel about publishing pictures of other people's children (OPC) like my nieces or nephews for example.

And yes, I know that I posted pictures of Lisa, but I did that bc of the circumstances. In my eyes, prayer is always an exception. It's almost as if I don't have the right. I am not there parent. I'm their aunt. They are not mine. I am always, it seems like that anyway, reminding myself that. And I have plenty of pictures of them. Trust me. I live with my camera.

So, I must confess I don't want to post all kinds of picture of my pets. I would love to post pictures of children. My children. And so it irks me yes. It irks me that I only have pets. No children yet. Don't get me wrong. I love Pee Wee, I love Jesse & all my other pets.

They are like my childen, expecially Pee Wee. With that being said, I've learned that pets can't take the place of the need to nurture. They fill a void, yes, but the desire & longing for a child nothing can replace that. Nothing. Trust me, I've tried.

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Monday, August 10, 2009

Not Me Monday: Reflecting

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has NOT been forever since my last "Not Me" post. Unless you count this. No, Not Me!

I have not been neglecting things in my life, or at least felt that way this week. I do not wish I could be cloned sometimes so that things get done. I have not let calls go unanswered from certain (nameless) people, hoping & praying that whatever they needed would wait. And most certainly did not feel guilty about it. No, Not Me!

I do not think at times that I should be a better daughter, wife, sister, aunt & friend, even when I feel that there just is no more for me to give. Bc I've given all of me. Even more of me than I truly could not give, bc there is just none left. No, Not Me!

I do not still think of Mandy, everyday, every night, sometimes over & over, still disbelieving that she is truly gone. Even though I was there. I saw it. With my own eyes. I do not think that the silence of her voice, not hearing her stories is - well, deafing. No, Not Me.

I do not have doubts, & fears about the future. Regrets about the past. And sometimes wish I could have a re-do - take 2, even though what ever I have been though has made me who I am. No, Not me!

I am not human, after all. No, Not Me!

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Sunday, August 9, 2009

Plans & Moving On

What a long day week. Our friend, Mike, whom I affectionately call Charlie (two names, one person), moved in his new apartment this week. For those who know him & his story (which is his story to tell, not mine), I truly hope this is the fresh new start he needs.

Being the good friends we are, we helped him move, assembled things, took him to stores, picked up things for him, put things away, ect... Often leaving his place in the late early hours of the night morning. Needless to say we are are all exhausted, but that's what friends do, right? Especially after over 22 years of friendship.

I feel as if I put my life on hold this week. Calls gone unanswered. Sleep unhad. Appointments not scheduled. The house not cleaned. Duties neglected. However, it was my choice to help him, & I have no regrets. Why should I? He certainly does quite enough for us & he does not have many he can truly depend on.

I have found myself reflecting a lot this week. Time & time again, I could not believe I was helping him move again. Into his own apartment. Alone. It just affirmed to me (yet again) - more than ever - that sometimes our plans are not, in deed, God's plans. No matter how right those plans seem to be at the time, He is the true Planner of it all.

And that may make all the difference in your world.
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Thursday, August 6, 2009

Blog Hop: More About Me

So I was reading this blog, which I love & today Lynnentte suggested a "getting to know you a blog hop," so even though I did this entry only a short bit ago, I decided to do another one, and just hop along.

1. My mom & I haven't always got along, to say the least; however, I have ALWAYS loved her regardless, which is hard for people to understand. Now that I don't live at home, we have a better relationship. Here's a picture taken of us years ago. It is one of her favorites & I love it too.

November 1, 2001

2. I'm my mom's only child, but not my dad's. Both my brothers are older than me, 10 & 8 years to be exact. As a kid, Idolized them. As an adult, I see them as who they are.

3. I am a photo fanatic & pretty much carry a camera with me everywhere. Seriously. I've even figured out how to safely attach my camera to my wheelchair.

4. I am a scrapbooker. I love doing projects all the time. However, I never seem to complete projects for myself, only for others. Hmmm, I never realized that before. I'll have to psychoanalyze that later.

5. I truly miss walking. Especially when that walking allowed me to go into any one's house & be a part of family and friend's functions more.

6. I'm a person, who will give people the benefit of the doubt a little too often.

7. I always try to see the good in people, even when they don't deserve it.

8. I am good at reading people. Sometimes too good.

9. I'm far from perfect. I make lots of mistakes. Sometimes there are things I wish I never did or never happened; however, there is a reason for everything & if things didn't happen the way they did - I would not be who I am today.

10. I have learned that sometimes when you wish for things & get your wish (or not), sometimes that isn't a good thing, but that has never stopped be from wishing. The same can be said about praying.

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Update: Stellan

I am over joyed to say that Stellan got released from the hospital yesterday. As the Lord would have it, he never went to Boston. It has been a long road, for MckMama & her family with lots of prayers a long the way. Stellan in SVT free, on a new drug plan that is actually working for him & they figured some things out along the way, such as Stellan metabolizes drugs differently than other little boys.

I think this entry will tell you some of where this journey has taken Stellan's family... And it's one of my favorite entries. This is also a great (& truthful) entry. All this is to say - beyond a doubt - that prayer works, & God can do not only good things but Great things. Just take a look:
From this:

To this:

Yes, He is Great, indeed.

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