Dear So & So: Being Enough

Dear So & So,

Our conversation yesterday left me with a lot to think about today. I don't know why I can't shake this feeling of being not good enough lately. All I try to do is to leave others in a better place than I found them. I try to love others to the best of my ability. I always try to make sure others know how thankful I am to have them in my life; never forgetting to tell them or show them just how much I love them.

Because tomorrow really is promised to no one.

I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but if I do, I will always wonder if I was enough.  Did I love enough? What did I leave behind? What is my legacy?  Did I do enough to make a difference in this world?

Ever since I could remember,  I have wanted to be a mom. Somehow, I feel inadequate without a child. Incomplete. Like there's a part of me missing. Deep down I know, I am not honoring who I'm supposed to be.

That is not to say that my sole purpose on this planet is to be a parent; it's not. However,  I cannot seem to quiet the desire in my heart that knows there is more to this life than I have been living.

I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes.  I have wished for do overs. As much as I try to live without them, I do have regrets.  There are things that I have wished I said, others that I have wished I had not spoken. And in most cases, I will not get a do over.

Yesterday,  I said I was mad at God, but today, after much thought,  I know that's not true.  What is true is I'm frustrated at life's circumstances. No one promised life was going to be easy,  but no one said it would be this hard either. I know I have made it through tougher times, but knowing that does not make this eaiser.

None of this is easy. I am not asking it to be easier. I just want to know that I will make it through this tough time, and I'm not on this journey alone.  I want what everyone wants... I want to know that I really do matter and,  in the end, that has to be enough.

Love,

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

All I Know

For whatever reason, I've been going back & rereading some old emails & text that I've written to others & others have written to me. I happen to stumble on this & I thought I would share it.

It's something I wrote Theresa FOREVER ago, or at least it seems that way. Well, when I think about it it is not so long ago after all. It was written & sent in the early early hours of the morning on August 13, 2010, before I knew how the day would forever change me.

It is freaky how I sent the email one minute shy of exactly 10 hours before my Dad died. Somehow, the words seem more true now than how they were intended to be received.

I've said it before - sometimes things have to fall apart so that we can rebuild differently & stronger than before. Bc even though it might have appeared that what we had was working for us, maybe it wasn't always the best for us.

You are a great person, mother & friend & you should never forget that. God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other.

Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on, even if it is not the best path or the right path for us in the long run. What is most important is what we lessons we learn & what we take away from the journey.

Wow. How could I know that only in a few short hours that I would so desperately need to hear my own advice, in my own words? And even still need to hear them now, months later?

Actually, if I am to be totally honest, I do remember writing it & I do remember why I wrote it to her, but it wasn't until I noticed that she didn't reply that I looked at the date & everything snapped back in place.

She didn't reply bc she didn't have time before my world came crashing down. All I recall, & I do so vaguely, is that about 12 hours after I wrote that email, sending those words of advice to her - she would sit next to me in a hospital cafeteria as I sit in shock & try to wrap my brain around the fact that I just watched my dad die.

Yes. "...God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other." And "Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on..."

However knowing that is true, I still find myself asking a ton of questions, even months later. I have no clue what path I am on. I have no clue what God has planned for me.

All I know is that He does have a path & plan for me. All I know is there is a reason for this all. All this loss, all this hurt.

All I know & all that I am certain of is that I loved so deeply that I am in such deep pain. After all, you cannot have one without the other. No matter how hard you may try.

Stream of Consciousness: On Overdrive & Hating It

It is a little past 1:30 in the morning & I can't sleep. My thoughts are swimming in my head so fast - it feels like tidal waves repeatably crashing upon the rocks & rushing the shore with no mercy in sight.

Just hours ago, I attended the viewing of a life long neighbor & family friend. She was always a good neighbor, but even a better friend.

Her daughter Sandy used to babysit me when I was little & we've been friends off & on throughout the years. Funny how people lose touch as time goes on. I hate that.

I'm six months along this strange journey that Sandy & her siblings are embarking on. I do not envy them. No one who has been here would.

I've been crying a lot tonight. It's just displaced grief that has surfaced. Untouched grief that is yet to be explored from Dad, Aunt Elaine, & even Mandy - I think.

On top of all that mom has had some health concerns that are causing me to feel somewhat on edge. Nothing too serious, but compounded with everything else just make my brain go a little on overdrive. I hate overdrive.

I try to take some deep breaths, but that is little relief. It is hard to put a name to my feelings & thoughts. I hate that too. Honestly, that has been happening a lot lately, more often then not.

All I think to say is - I 'm scared. Scared of what I don't know & can't put a name to it. This has happened before. The most clear example of this I can recall is the evening after dad died.

He died on a Friday & by Saturday night, I sought refuge at Theresa's house & spent the night. I was hell bent on not changing any plans that were already set before my world came crashing down. So there I was. Something that probably saved my life & sanity, in more ways than one.

All I could say was I'm scared. She would ask what I was scared of & I would tell her I don't know, unable to put a name to it. Months later, here I sit with that same feeling & still at a loss of words as ever.

And I hate it.

Dad: Six Months Gone

Here I sit, in my church, before the srevice starts, & Johnny Cash's rendition of "Personal Jesus" plays.

How ironic. So very ironic. You would find this ironic if you knew him too. People used to call him Cowboy Cash, as he could always be found at the local tavern singing a Johnny Cash song or two on karaoke night.

My mind is a million & one miles away. Not exactly where it's supposed to be in church. Then again, maybe this is where exactly I'm supposed to be. Thoughts of my dad engulf ever crevass of my brain. And part of me hates that.

Every morning, as I awake & become aware of the world around me. The world feels unfilimar & something's a miss. Something's just not right.

Then I remember - Dad is gone.

And everyday I have to remind myself of that. Still. Secretly, in silience I am in pain. My heart is hurting. I so desprately want relief & wonder when it will come.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being alive. Not in a life vs. death sense, but rather a being alive vs. living sense.

Time has ticked on at a rapid pace. I cannot fathom that 6 months has passed when it seems like only weeks. Yet, there are periods that time seems to stand still. Or maybe it is me standing still.

Stuck.

Blogger's Block

Regardless of the relationship, there is a security that exists when your parents are alive. For me, I didn't even realize it existed until it wasn't there or to be more accurate - until Dad wasn't there.

It has been strange how time has moved on. So slowly, yet incredibly fast. I would have to say there are more good days then bad right at the moment; however, when they are bad they are really bad.

For whatever reason, on more mornings then not, I still find myself having to remember that Dad is gone. I wonder when the nightmares & strange dreams will stop. I have been told by those who have already walked the path of losing a parent that this is normal.

I am incredibly grateful for my friends, the selected few of which I can count on one hand who have consistently been there & been a great support. I truly don't know what I would do without them. And on the other hand I can count more friends who have helped me in their own way & in their own time - for them I am grateful too.

As if it is some type of writer's block, there is so much I want to say, but I just can't find the words to say them in. So much that I want to blog about, but I just either can't find the words or don't have the desire at the moment to blog about. Good stuff that has nothing to do with grief.

This is so not what I wanted my blog to be about. One death after another - a strange journey to live life while living through other's deaths. I used to love to write post, but now I struggle to do things I used to love. Everything is still to complicated.

Secretly, I wonder when these post will be more about life then death, but I know better than to try & force something than not to blog about where I truly am at in the moment. This is where I am in my journey & I just need to honor it & be here - not to push it away.

So, here it is, this strange blogger's block that I find myself in. Hoping that I once again will find myself again & a new normal, one post at a time.

Dear Dad: 2 Months Gone

{June 16, 2007}

Dear Dad,

It has been two months since you passed away. I still can't believe you are gone. It seems surreal. Time is moving so slow for me, but is flying by way too fast for me too. The world around me is spinning. I'm am slowly coming out of the shock & beginning to be able to feel again.

The majority of my friends don't understand - having never lost a parent. Before you were gone, I thought I understood when friends lost their mom or dad bc I've lost people who mean the world to me. I was wrong... so very, very wrong. Through everything that I have been through, this is absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt.

There are many friends that are not talking to me. It's like I have something they fear is contagious. Deep down, I understand... they just don't know what to say. I get it. It still hurts though. I am getting really tired of me reaching out & them not reaching back. For some, our friendship has forever altered - never to be the same.

I still find it difficult to talk to you. Not knowing what to say or how to say it. There was so much left unsaid. Stuff that needed to be said, more for my benefit then yours. I'm struggling to make sense of many the different sides of you. From the man you were to man you became. From the dad you once were & the dad you became to be. One man, broken & imperfect - just like us all.

I sat in your chair most of the day yesterday. My heart ached for you. Much like it does now. I am pissed at you too. Angry that you left me with so much to sort out, so many questions, & so much unfinished stuff.

It was you who laid in that bed as we begged you to go to the hospital. You knew this was the end & this is what you chose. By the time you were at the hospital, 5 days later you were gone. Even so, this leaves me struggling with much inside.

I want you back. I want you here. I want you to see my (non-existent) kids grow up. I want to say the things that you never let me say. Things that you never let me say bc you would utter, "Okay, Okay, I don't want to talk about it..."

Well, when Dad? When do you want to talk about it? Now? That is so unfair to me. So very unfair. I can't even talk to you now, unable to say what really needs to be said. Somewhere there is this little girl who still wants approval from Daddy. Wondering if she's doing everything okay. Not wanting to upset you.

When will I realize that stuff like that doesn't matter anymore? Nothing matters, not like that. I can't go back now. I never could.

So, I see Jake in flannel & he reminds me of you. I look at the stars & think of you. I look at Jupiter shinning bright in the sky, knowing that it will be gone in a little while - still there, but unable to be seen.

Just like you.

Love Always,

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM (Part 2)

How ironic it is that I am writing this post at about the same time that I wrote the first one - completely unplanned - I assure you.

So, as luck would have it (or maybe it wasn't luck after all), I really like my new doctor. She is very nice, understanding & patient, all things I was concerned about. And she is super supportive of me TTC, or doing whatever I feel comfortable with at the given time. In others words, what I want to do is up to me.

There are a few medical concerns though, but nothing that has to do with my Cerebral Palsy. And though I choose not to go into specifics at this time as to what they are, lets just say they are things that I'm not only aware of, but concerned with too. And there is no reason that as long as these concerns are managed, I wouldn't have a completely healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

However, she did mention my weight & suggested that I may consider gastric bypass considering my medical history & my lack of mobility. She made sure to tell me she's not a fan of suggesting it to her patients at all either.

I'm not quite sure what I think about her saying that in general, but it was clear it was only said as something to consider for the future & that it was not said out of any other context but a caring concern. I'm so not a fan of that either & I would never even consider that at all. So there is differences in opinion there.

She also gave me a referral to preconceptual counseling again, since it has been many years that I went for the same thing before, but she made sure to let me know that it was completely up to me if I wanted to go again.

I was glad given the circumstances of the day: new doctor, lots of pain due to the rain, nerves, & a cold room (which doesn't do well for my CP, as it causes me to be more spastic & have less of a range of motion), my appointment went as well as it did.

Reflecting on the visit I was pleased that it went the way it did, knowing that it could have went many other ways. Who wouldn't love a doctor whose patient, explains things, answers questions, & last advice for us in TTC is "Have fun trying."

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

Lost Without You

Dear Mandy,

Just a quick note before I go off to church. I've been up all night unable to stop thinking about you. I wish I had words to tell others how I feel, but I don't think they would understand even if I did.

Today, the tears flow freely, as they have for most of the night. This should make for an interesting church service. You know how I hate to cry in front of lots of people. I'll just have to suck it up & deal. I'll get over it. I just can't seem to want to inhibit tears as much as before. Either it's not wanting or not caring. Either way... who cares?

Gosh, I just seem so lost with you. How am I supposed to live without you here? For whatever reason these past days have been tough. And I don't want to act like nothing is wrong. I'm not depressed in general, just sad that you aren't here. And I don't need to get over it or just find something to fill my time or think happy thoughts.

Grief should not in anyway be dismissed or tossed aside, but acknowledged & validated.

But, hey, what do I know? It's not like I'm an expert or anything, just bc I've lost everybody under the sun & then some. Go figure.

Love You.

Your BFF & Beyond,

Just Because

It is March 13, Nearly 3 whole months after Christmas, yet our tree - which is fully decorated is still up. I ask Jake to take it down every couple of days, but it is not even on his list of things to do. I will gladly help, but I can't do it alone.

In a couple of hours, it is daylight savings time. We will lose an hour in the middle of the night. I feel I have lost a lot of things lately, time is only one aspect. I don't know why I am finding myself doing these Stream of Conscience post lately, or find myself in mixed moods, but maybe it is good not to question much - at least if I can't know the answers. It just might work well for me.

Beth's party was last night at church. I had a blast. Mostly I was found chatting & taking pictures, two roles I fall into easily. Hung out afterwards with some awesome people from church at a local restaurant. It was nice to connect with others with ease for once.

I - for whatever reason - am not sure why - I am not looking forward to going to church tomorrow. It is not bc of anyone in particular, just feel not into it. Strange thing is - I have a feeling I need to hear whatever the message is & there is an important farm meeting afterwards, which I have been looking forward to for weeks. It will be interesting to see what Beth does tomorrow, considering she is not on staff anymore. She will actually be able to stay for the whole service. Too cool. I'm pretty sure that's a first in the whole ten years & nine days that she was on staff.

Jake worked at a friend's house today. He is helping them with work in their house. Actually, both her & her husband are friends of our family. He was gone many hours, which does not bother me. What does bother me though is he didn't call once, not to check on me, but just bc. How come he doesn't call for anything when all I can do is think about him all day... missing him just bc... just bc I love him?

Go figure. And good night.

4:00 AM Ramblings

In a little over an hour the alarm is set to go off to wake Jake from his slumber. I wish it was me - sleeping beside him, but I know any attempt to sleep now is a useless effort.

God, that man doesn't know how lucky he has it. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. I admire his uncanny ability to not worry about things daily. I love the way he can be goofy & couldn't really care less who thought what of him. But on the other hand that can be as annoying as hell.

Here is yet another night's sleep unhad. My mind consumed with thoughts, unable to quiet. Perhaps it is bc I'm in pain. Or miss Mandy. Or I'm going to church this evening to attend a farewell-to-you-Beth-thanks-for-giving-us-your-all-as-an-employee-for-ten-years-but-we-are-really-glad-you-are-staying-with-are-church-as-a-community-member party. This in general is a great thing, but I pray that she makes a smooth transition into the next phase, whatever that may be for her. In a lot of ways, I'm so happy for her.

Mostly, I think it's Mandy though. Yesterday evening, which was just hours ago, was emotional. Like a crying like I can't breathe kind of emotional. I'm here to tell tell you nothing gets easier with time. Nothing. Especially, when & where questions exists.

I need a hug. A couple of days ago, I got really sick, but I feel better now. My body still aches though. And my sleep disturbed. Hell, who am I kidding? My sleep is always disturbed.

I can't wait for Spring. Although I think it's going to rain today. The pain in my hips is a better indacater then the word of any weather man. I should go now. And at least try to snuggle up to my sleeping husband while I still can.

Lent: Something Deeper (Day 1)

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent.

At first I couldn't decide what to give up for Lent. Facebook? Blogging? All other drinks, except for water? Some type of food? Some game I play? Texting? Or how about TV? Eating out? And the list goes on & on.

Something didn't sit right with me. I wanted something deeper. Something with more meaning. Something that would compliment this journey I have found myself on. This class I take on Monday nights at my church, has given me much to think about. And as a result, I've become more aware than ever before, especially when it comes to my thoughts, feelings & reactions. I see the world around me different than before.

Then it came to me. I had just wrote yesterday about being out of my comfort zone. So what if what I gave up is something not tangible, but something that would keep me out of my comfort zone. Something that would to encourage my growth, to further my journey. Something that will - no doubt - challenge me.

So I decided to give up a defense mechanism. Avoidance. Strange I know. I have decided to give up avoiding things, whatever those things are. So, basically, if I think about having to do something whether it be something like going somewhere unpleasant, doing something that I would rather not do, or telling something to whomever that I rather not tell, I must do it, regardless.

Let me tell you - this will not be easy. At all. There is a lot of stuff I avoid, especially lately. All ready today I have:

Went back to bed after getting up early to talk to Jake (something I often avoid doing even though I need to sleep & lately I have been exhausted);

After he started to vent to me this morning & in turn started yelling at me about things that were out of my control, I told him (in a nice way) that things suck right now & there's little I can do about it, but yelling at me just wouldn't make things better (usually I would just let him go & not say anything right there in the moment);

In order to get ready for tonight's Ash Wednesday service tonight, I got a shower hours ago (normally I would wait like two hours before we were to leave);

Already I started to de-clutter things around me, something that I've been avoiding for way too long.

And finally, although I don't know why & it does seem strange, I sat down to write this post, something that I seemed to be putting off, so I sat down and began to type. Perhaps it has to do with accountability.

So, that's it. For the next 40 days - actually longer, but you are not supposed to count Sundays - I will do things I've been avoiding. Wish me luck as this will not be easy. Then again, the best rewards in life are never truly easy.

A Better Way

Lately, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about a lot of things & reflecting on things of the past.

Perhaps it is bc of all the things my family of origin (my dad, my mom, & brother) have been through lately, or maybe it's bc of stuff that my family (as in my marriage & unity with Jacob) has experienced through recent struggles.

Or maybe it's because I recently celebrated the one year birthday of the beginning of this blog. And as a result, I've been going back rereading things & I'm also trying to revamp a better more useful system for my blog labels & such, for no other purpose than to make it better suited for my needs. Or maybe in a little over two months or so, I realize that Mandy will be gone for a year already. A date that is rapidly approaching whether I want it to or not.

Right now, I'm questioning so much. Reflecting on everything. Noticing things that I have never noticed before, even though there were things that were clearly in my face at the time. The clearest example of this is right here on this very blog.

I wrote this on 3.30.09 when I first got word of Mandy being in the hospital, & the very next entry I wrote is on 5.1.2009 eight days after she died. Not one word, not even a keystroke during the month of April. Have I always done this? Withdrew in difficult times?

The things that I saw & experienced during that month, I still have difficulty putting into words. In a lot of ways it's still fresh, still raw, still - in many ways - so wrong. There are many things, I wish I would have done different, things I wish I would have said. Things I will always regret.

Somewhere along the way I learned to hold things in, push it away, keep it without words until it made sense to me or I just couldn't keep it in any longer, whichever came first. And let me be the first to say, I truly hate that I learned to do that. Why? Bc I truly believe there are certain things that shouldn't be kept silent.

We are only as sick as our secrets. Secrets have power in the darkness. The only thing that make them powerless is by exposing them & bringing them to light. This I know. However, this is not easy to do. And I must admit I've been struggling with a lot of things lately.

There is so much I want to say right now. So many thoughts & feelings that I want to process. So much that I want to confess. Just purge it. Bring it into the light. Give it less power. But as much as I want this, I just can't. I'm not ready. I'm not ready - as honest as I have found myself to be on this journey to my more authentic self - to confess certain things on this very public blog. A blog that anyone & everyone can read.

In these recent months, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Written entries late at night or not when I wanted to all together. Told people, in person & not, things that I never thought I would say. Exposed the secrets & lies on my quest for the truth.

A million thoughts are in my head. I want to run. Hide. Pull away. Be left alone. It's what I do. It's all I know. However, I also know better. I know there is a better way. I just need the courage to pursue it.

Waiting For Things To Fall

Am I missing something?

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I can't really say much more, partly bc I haven't figured it all out myself yet & partly bc I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what? Well, I can't really answer that either. If it's one thing I have learned is not every question has an answer that I have the privilege of knowing, & even if I do find the answer - I just may not like the answer.

When I married Jake (& really, if I'm to be honest - ever since I was little), I had big dreams of having a family. I still do. And it's no secret that we desperately want to be parents. We do not hide this fact, but there are times when we just don't go screaming it from the nearest rooftops either.

Marriage & life has not been easy for us at all. Truthfully, we have struggled more than most. I am not asking for things to be easy. I don't want that. I would never want that, unless that is in the plans for us.

It just seems that lately everything is coming at us all at once. We can't get a break to gather ourselves before we are thrown into another round of hardship. Trust me, if God wants my attention, He's got it.

I try really hard to all the time be thankful for the blessings we do have, especially in difficult times. It is thanks to my FIL & my mom that we have most of our blessings. Well, really my blessings are from God in the form of FIL & my mom. Without them, I don't know what we would do.

Here's the thing though - I am tired. I'm exhausted. I can't keep putting out fires or waiting for the other shoe to drop, always trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make sure we make it through. I am tired of just getting by.

I want things for us. Our own family. Our own place. Our own peace of mind at the end of the night. I know this may be a lot to ask, but still I have to ask. I would be crazy not too.

So, here I am. As always, I'm waiting. Waiting for things to fall...waiting for things to fall into place. Still... still giving thanks for it all.

Enough Questions

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

I wonder that all the time. Am I doing enough as a wife? Am I doing enough as a daughter? Or a sister? Or friend? Often times I wonder if I'm doing enough as a Christian. I must confess that what ever the version of the question is the core remains the same. Am I really doing enough?

Having lost so much in life has given me a unique outlook. I am in no way naive or in anyway sheltered. I am a person who feels deeply & thinks (& rethinks) often. Although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, I often find myself wondering if I were gone tomorrow would this be enough? Would my life matter? What would my legacy be?

Jacob & I have been married for 4 years & 8 months exactly today... Sometimes, I am tortured by the fact that we don't have children yet. It bothers me. And I know that it bothers Jacob. I know that things will happen in time, to be more specific God's time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less or the aching subside.

As much as I love the people in my life who have their own children & am so very grateful that they allow me to love their children as if they are my own, there is always a reminder that I am still childless. At the end of the day, they get the the kisses, the snuggles, the tucking in for the night's sleep (hopefully), ect...

Most of the time I don't let it bother me. I tend to look on the positive side rather than the negative. It's not what I don't have as much as it is what I do have. However, every once in a while, I'm blindsided & the tears flow freely like the dam burst & I'm exposed.

Like on this past Christmas morning when FIL allowed my nephews & niece open gifts before I was even told they were here. I couldn't control myself & I lost it. I remained unusually quiet, as huge tears fell with each blink, my face turned some shade of red (I'm sure) & my nose became instantly stuffy. As FIL said he was sorry & just simply said:

"It's just that we don't have any children to watch on Christmas morning..."

So forgive me if it bothers you that I'm riddled with huge questions. The questions are always there - just bc I choose not to focus on them all the time doesn't mean they don't exists. And at the days end I just hope that who I am & what I've done is enough... for now.

Taking Hold

I am exhausted. It's a good exhausted though. My weekend was full of friends & family, & I wouldn't have it any other way. It was a non-stop celebration (birthdays, holiday gatherings, ect..).

Yesterday, after rushing to mom's so we could watch the Raven's game - I couldn't help it we are in the playoffs (we won by the way!) - while helping her bake cookies & other yummy food for dinner. My cousin, John & his family came over, as they do every year around this time.

I loved seeing them & wish that I could do it more during the year. I don't know what it is, but I just want to grab on to the family & friends that I have left & take hold. Time goes on, people grow up, life (& death) happens... way too fast in my opinion.

It might be bc 2009 was such a difficult year with all the losses I encountered, but I think it's more... I've had losses before - many, many, many of them - in a short period of time. This is something more. Something I just can't put my finger on.

Something unsettling. Something urgent.

I wish I could shake it, but I can't. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing exactly, only that it's difficult to identify & it seems to not be going away anytime soon. For whatever reason I have a feeling that it is not for me to know the answers.

So, again, as numerous times in the past, I wait. Taking in the world around me - grabbing hold tight. Knowing that I'm just along for the ride.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I can honestly say there was a point when I didn't know just how this Christmas was going to turn out or, just simply put, how on earth would I make it through after having such a tough year - having lost so much.

I made it through though.

How? Well, it was easy wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Sure, there were parts that were tough. A lot of tears shed, but that's not at all a bad thing, its all part of being human. And my thoughts were bombarded with thoughts of loved ones who were no longer here & the remnants of Christmas past.

Here's the thing about the past though: it's a great place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

So, I visit, & I am thankful - no matter how much bad stuff happens - for all the good stuff that has happened this year, choosing to focus on my blessings.

Reminding myself not what I have lost, but what I have & have gained this year. And that's made all the difference in the world.